"AUGH! SO BORED!" Lynn Jr groaned as she slouched on the couch. The rest of the family had to go somewhere, and she was left home with the twins and Lincoln who wasn't in the living room with the rest of them.
"LYNN! Stop complaining, and don't forget your posture. I'm sure you can find something else to do." Lola reminded her older sister as she continued to have a tea party with herself and a bored Lana.
"Lola, the reason I'm doing this is because Lisa isn't here to work the machine. That and there's no mud outside." Lana admitted.
"Zero! Zero!"
"Wait, you hear that?" Lynn Jr asked, sitting up in her seat. The twins looked up from their tea party and listened closely.
"Hey, where is Lincoln?" Lana noticed.
Immediately, all of them had the same terrible thought. They all rose up and ran up the stairs. Spotting Lisa's room opened, they looked inside, terrified of what Lincoln was viewing.
"WHY ARE YOU BUYING CLOTHES AT THE SOUP STORE?!" Alternate Lincoln screamed into his phone.
"F*** YOU!" Clyde screamed back.
Lincoln looked back at his sisters, utterly confused. "...What are you guys watching?"
Lynn looked back at Lola and Lana. "That's not what we usually watch."
"Pushing past that," Lola said, pushing past Lynn Jr. "Lincoln, are you alright? You know, since this kinda reminds you of...well…"
Lincoln shrugged. "It's cool, you guys. As long as we don't mention...THAT."
"Agreed."
Lana then noticed Lincoln's hands on the machine's console. "Hey Lincoln, you sure you should messing around with the machine like that?"
The other two noticed what Lana noticed.
"Yeah, Lisa won't like it if you break it." Lynn Jr advised.
Lincoln waved them off. "Guys, have you ever seen the set up for this? Lisa probably just wiped all possibilities of...THAT... off viewing. Basically, she left everything else the same. I mean, look at this."
The white haired boy quickly pressed a few buttons, and the screen showed a sort of directory.
1: Warning Do Not Revisit
2: Star Wars
3: Pirate of the Caribbean
4: Food Wars
5: The Doctor
6: DOUBLE MEGA WARNING DO NOT REVISIT
"What the heck are all these?" Lincoln asked, pointing to the directory.
"First one, we don't talk about it." Lynn Jr began.
"Oh, Star Wars was the one where you were a cool space monk with a laser sword and an alien monk teacher!" Lana interjected.
"Pirate is where I'm a pirate?" Lincoln guessed.
Lynn smirked. "Most stylish pirate I've ever seen.
"Food Wars is where you became a chef that managed to make Lord Tetherby submit by sheer deliciousness." Lola mentioned
"Okay… Is that why Dad has been asking me to help out with dinner more often?"
Lynn Jr looked contemplative for a moment. "Probably."
Lana looked at the last one. "And Doctor…"
Lana sniffled. "I still cry about it sometimes."
"I know." Lola said, offering Lana a tissue. "That was just a beautiful moment…"
Lincoln looked at his three sisters starting to get teary eyed. "How about I go ahead and look for a new universe to watch?"
"...Yeah, that would be cool."
"Alright, give me a second...And done." Lincoln said as he manipulated the controls, the screen changing to another scene.
"Intruder Alert! A RED Spy is in the base!" A lady's voice announced through the PA system while alarms ran throughout the room.
"Turn it down! TURN IT DOWN!" Lola shouted as Lincoln scrambled for the volume.
A man looked up at the three lit signs among the vast majority of unlit ones. He was dressed like a soldier that came out of World War Two. His coat was a bright blue, with the patches on his arm looking like rockets. His pants and boots were a dull brown, looking beat and worn, yet still functional. His belt had two pounchs on both sides of his hips, and two grenades were strapped on the strap that ran across his body. Finally, his old time helmet sat so low that his eyes were covered.
"...It's a 10 by 10 field of signs that light up." Lincoln observed.
"That has got to be the weirdest set-up for an alarm system I've ever seen." Lola commented.
Lana looked at the helmet the man was wearing. "Can he even see that high up?"
"So is this one me?" Lincoln questioned, slightly dreading the answer.
"Nah." Lynn Jr responded. "He doesn't have your dentistry."
"Oh thank you." Lincoln groused.
"A RED Spy is in the base!?" He shouted. As the alarms continued to sound, he quickly ran over to the armory, where a multitude of weapons awaited him. Quickly looking through the selection, he grabbed a shotgun and loaded it with shells. He grabbed a few extra and put them in his pouch before running out of the room.
"Protect the briefcase!" The PA system screamed at the Soldier as he ran down the stairs to the intelligence room.
"We need to protect the briefcase!" He said as he stumbled a bit on the bottom, his hand coming up to steady his helmet, before continuing on his way.
"Boy, this guy seems a few short of a dozen eggs." Lana couldn't help snickering.
Lola scoffed. "I wouldn't even hire him to protect my jeep."
As he entered into the hallway that would lead him to the entrance to the intelligence room, someone called out to him.
"Hey, a little help here! I forgot the passcode!" Bobby Santiago called out to his comrade, looking more like he was ready to play baseball in his blue uniform rather than to fend off possibly armed intruders. The Latino had been futilely pulling on the door.
"Hey, there's Bobby!" Lynn Jr exclaimed.
"I can already feel my eardrums vibrate." Lana groaned, having the misfortune to be near Lori when he got to be near her 'Boo-boo bear.'
"Though what is he wearing?" Lincoln asked as he looked at the alternate Bobby's state of dress. "If I had to deal with armed intruders, I would something other than a baseball uniform."
"I can already hear Lori telling Booby that he makes anything look good." Lana complained.
"Stand back, son!" The Soldier said, pushing Bobby out of the way, and looking at the passcode device. The device itself looked relatively new, except the 1 looked incredibly smudged.
"One, one, one. Uh...ONE!" Upon entering the code, both the Soldier and Bobby smirked when they heard the sound that the code had been accepted.
"Ew…" Lola shivered.
"What's wrong?" Lincoln asked, looking back at the little pink pageant contestant.
"Well, for the one to get that faded, they would have to press it over and over, and get their natural oils all over and just… EWW!" Lola shivered and looked away.
"Better question, 1-1-1-1? That's the same number an idiot would have on his locker combo!" Lynn Jr shook her head. "What OS with these people?"
"Alright, let's go!" Bobby said, pulling out a baseball bat.
"INCOMING!"
The two turned around, to see a giant bald man with the physique of a bear, clad in their team colors, and wielding a massive minigun, charging right at them.
"...Can someone really get that strong enough to lug around something like that?" Lana asked, her eyes opened wide.
Lincoln shrugged. "We might need to ask Lisa about that one."
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
The three crashed through the door, pieces of woods and glass flying everywhere. The force of the Heavy's charge was so great, all three stumbled all the way to the table where the intelligence briefcase was.
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHey, it's still here!" Bobby exclaimed, patting the clearly undisturbed briefcase.
"My intelligence." The Soldier got up, hugged the briefcase, before putting it back down.
The Heavy smiled. "Oh, alright then!"
"Why are these idiots celebrating? They haven't even found the intruder yet!" Lola groaned, her face in her palms.
"These guys kinda stink at their jobs, don't they?" Lynn Jr remarked.
"Ahem."
All three turned around to see someone else come into the room. He was a moderately tall and thin man, dressed in the finest blue suit. Whatever else that could have been gleaned from his appearance was stymied by the blue baklava he was wearing.
He also happened to be carrying a body on his shoulder.
"Gentlemen."
"Oh thank you!" Lola cried out in relief and with a hint of a blush. "Someone who looks like he knows what he's doing!"
"...It is the suit, isn't it? Lincoln asked.
"Yes it is." Lola confirmed.
"Why would you want to wear a suit to a gunfight?" Lana asked, genuinely confused about the newcomer's choice of attire.
A small jingle sounded as the screen changed, displaying a title.
'Meet The Spy'
"...Is this normal?" Lincoln asked.
Lynn Jr shook her head. "Not really."
"I see that the briefcase is safe." The now identified spy said, shifting the body on his shoulder to a more comfortable position as he came closer to the group.
"Safe and sound, mm-hmm." The Soldier patted the briefcase.
"Yeah, it is!" Bobby confirmed.
"Tell me, did anyone happen to kill a RED spy on the way here?" The BLU Spy asked. Everyone's enthusiasm immediately dried up.
"...No?" The BLU spy asked, looking faux surprised.
"Then we still have a problem." With that, the BLU Spy dumped the body onto the table on top of the briefcase. There wasn't really anything about the man himself that stood out. He looked to be an outdoorsman, with a brown vest, a blue button shirt, worn and durable looking jeans and brown boots.
What did stand out was the butterfly knife sticking out of his back.
Everyone's eyes bugged.
"That got heavy real quick." Lincoln remarked.
"And a knife." The Soldier commented dully.
"Oh no need to worry, hermano." Bobby said as he plucked the knife from the corpse's back and spinning it around his hand. " I've taken care of dozens of them. Them dime-a-dozen back-stabbing, fancy suit wearing scumbags."
Then the dull edge of the knife and handle accidentally closed on his finger.
"OW!" Bobby dropped the knife and looked at the wound. "No offense."
"...I know that this is supposed to be an alternate version of Bobby, but doesn't this one seem a little…" Lola paused for a moment, trying to think of the best word.
"Jerkish?"
"Arrogant?"
"Loud mouth?"
"Well, they do all fit." Lola nodded.
"Hmm." The BLU Spy said, picking the knife up and deftly flipping it close before handing Bobby the knife back. "If you managed to kill them, then I assure they are nothing like me…"
The BLU Spy walked past Bobby, peering through the glass windows and into the control room next door. "And nothing like the man that is in this building!"
"You know, you almost sound like you got a crush on that guy." Bobby commented, with the Soldier and Heavy chuckling a bit.
"No…" The BLU Spy said as he walked towards the table, pulling out a manila envelope. "That would be YOUR SISTER!"
Lincoln blinked. "Wait, what?"
The others leaned over to look at him.
With that, he slammed the envelope down, the force dislodging several photos from it. On the pictures, an older version of Ronnie Anne and a man in a fine red suit and balaclava were clearly going on a date. The man's slightly bad teeth quickly gave away who the man was.
"Lincoln and Ronnie, sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G!" Lola and Lana sang while Lynn Jr grinned wolfishly at Lincoln.
"So when can we expect the wedding, Lincoln?" Lynn Jr asked.
Lincoln sighed. "I'm not going to repeat myself again."
"..."
"I mean it!"
On the other photos, the subjects in question were engaged in activities slightly more...racier.
"HEY!" Lola complained as she and Lana had their eyes covered by Lynn Jr and Lincoln.
"Man, this is starting to get really old…" Lana grumbled, unsure why their older siblings kept doing this.
Lynn Jr and Lincoln looked at each other.
'Nailed it.'
"Wh-I-Eh-" Bobby sputtered in shock, looking over the photos with wide eyes and a hanging jaw.
"Indeed," All three looked up at the BLU Spy. "And now he's here to f*** us! So listen up, Robert."
He turned away, pulling out a cigarette case. "Or adult entertainment starring your sister will be the second worst thing that happened to you today."
"...What was the point of this?" Lana asked.
Lynn Jr scoffed. "Hello, Ronnie is dating an enemy."
"Well, did he have to do with others around?" Lincoln responded.
Bobby glared at the BLU Spy before quickly gathering up the photos.
"Oh!"
Bobby looked up from his gathering and to the side. The Heavy had a couple of the photos in his hand, showing one of them to the Soldier, who had audibly reacted. Bobby saw red.
"GIMME THAT!" He roared, practically ripping the photos out of the hands of his teammates. The BLU Spy lit his cigarette and took a drag on it, blowing smoke out of his mouth.
Lincoln frowned. "Well, that's rude."
"The Spy has already breached our defenses…"
"Wait, what's going on?" Lola asked as the screen began to switch to another scene.
"Must be one of the features." Lana said.
Footsteps echoed throughout the hall as Spy!Lincoln ran down it. Flattening himself against a wall, he checked his revolver before looking around the corner. There, he saw an BLU Engineer putting the final touches on his Level 3 turret, the long minigun barrels and multi-rocket launcher promising death should Lincoln not be careful.
Lana's eyes grew wide. "Woah…"
Lola looked at her twin weirdly. "Lana, you know that thing is designed to kill, right?"
Lana nodded. "Doesn't stop it from being cool."
Spy!Lincoln didn't looked intimidated in the slightest, simply pulling out a square device. Flipping the device on, he checked the corner again, before throwing it and moving forward. The device sailed through the air, before attaching itself to the machine immediately began to fizzle and shake. Before the BLU Engineer could react, the machine exploded, metal flying everywhere and forcing him to cover his face.
"SENTRY DOWN!" He shouted.
Lana sniffled. "Farewell, sweet machine."
As he lowered his hand, he spotted Spy!Lincoln coming towards him. Gasping, the BLU Engineer tried to draw his own pistol. Spy!Lincoln fired first.
BANG!
"Thank goodness for the censor." Lincoln remarked. "That...would have gotten messy."
"You see what he's done to our colleagues…" The BLU Spy gestured to the dead man.
The outdoorsman had his eye to the scope of a sniper rifle, the barrel barely extending past the boarded up window of the tower he was in. Just as he found his target and was about to pull the trigger, a floorboard behind him creaked. The now identified Sniper turned around, and saw Spy!Lincoln behind him, his knife ready to plunge itself into flesh.
The BLU Sniper tried to bring his gun around, but Spy!Lincoln jumped forward, grabbing the sniper rifle. The two struggled for a bit over control, before Spy!Lincoln kicked the BLU Sniper in the chest. The man crashed into the boarded window, splintering the boards but stopping him from falling out. Ripping himself out, the BLU Sniper grabbed a machete nearby.
"RARGH!" He roared, swinging wildly at Spy!Lincoln. The white haired man in a suit didn't lose his composure, calmly side stepping the panicked swings. When the BLU Sniper overextended, rushing forward and slashing at Lincoln's torso, he sidestepped again, his knife lashed out like a viper.
The BLU Sniper felt his cheek, a small cut that drew blood.
The BLU Sniper rushed again, but Spy!Lincoln was ready. The BLU Sniper swung, the machete meeting nothing but air. The knife flashed again, slashing through the Sniper's chest, before planting itself in the middle of the man's back.
"RARGH!" The BLU Sniper screamed, disappearing over the nearby railing. Spy!Lincoln watched dispassionately, wiping imaginary blood on his jacket.
"Lincoln…" Lynn Jr blinked. "You're a stone cold killer in this one…"
Lincoln could only nod his head.
"And worst of all, he could be anyone of us!" The BLU Spy warned, his eyes looking everywhere.
"RAUS, RAUS!" A bespectacled man in doctor clothing swung his bonesaw at Spy!Lincoln, his expression looking a bit too bloodthirsty. As the mad doctor thrust his weapon at Lincoln, he sidestepped before grabbing the limb with his arm. Like a boa constrictor, Lincoln wrapped his arm around the Doctor's, bending it a bit and making the man drop his saw.
Then Lincoln pulled out a cigarette case and pressed a button on it. Before the Doctor's eyes, Lincoln's form was shrouded in smoke. As the smoke cleared up, the Doctor's eyes grew wide as he saw a perfect reflection of his own face sans glasses staring back at him.
"Nein…"
That was his last words as the disguised Lincoln karate chopped him on the neck. As the dead Doctor fell to the ground, his glasses flew up in the air. Lincoln caught them and placed them on his 'face' before walking out of the room, nary a glance to the body behind him.
Lana stared at the screen. "There's my nightmares for the next few days."
"He could be in this very room! He could be YOU! He could be ME! HE COULD EVEN BE-"
Whatever the spy was going to say was cut off by the Soldier's shotgun.
"OH MY GOD!" Lynn Jr screamed.
"OH MAN! I think I saw a bit of eyeball there!" Lana said.
"EW EW EW EW!" Lola shook her head, her eyes shut completely closed.
"Woah…" Lincoln dumbly said.
"WHOA, WHOA, WHOA!" Bobby screamed, photos innocent and risque flying into the air.
"OH!" The Heavy gasped, his dumbstruck expression frozen.
"What? It was obvious!" The soldier defended himself as he cocked his shotgun, the spent shell ejecting out of the gun and onto the floor. "He was the RED Spy!"
The soldier came closer to the corpse of the BLU Spy.
"Watch, he'll turn RED any second…"
A few seconds passed, and the soldier nudged the dead BLU Spy's foot with the barrel of his shotgun.
"Any second now…"
The pool of blood was getting bigger.
"SEE, RED!" The BLU Soldier exclaimed, before taking a second look. "Wait no, that's blood…"
"Like I said, would trust him to guard my jeep." Lola remarked fully, her eyes now wide.
"Wait, why is Bobby hanging back like that?" Lincoln noticed.
Bobby hung back, looking around the room. The BLU Heavy looked at the BLU soldier.
"So...We still have problem?"
Then Bobby slowly began to walk forward, his gaze set on the two men who had their backs to them.
Lincoln's jaw dropped.
"No…"
He pulled out the butterfly knife then deftly unfolded it to reveal the still bloody blade as Bobby's form became engulfed in smoke.
"...What did that me do with that Bobby?" Lincoln weakly asked.
"Whatever happened," Lynn Jr said as she patted Lincoln on the shoulder. "You can't let her see this one."
"Yep." "Lori is going to kill you if she finds out."
"Big problem."
"Alright, who's ready to go find this spy?"
Spy!Lincoln appeared behind them.
"Right behind you."
The two men could only gasp as the knife descended upon their unprotected backs.
The four siblings hugged and closed their eyes, grimacing as they heard the screams of pain and suffering. Finally, the screams pettered to a stop. The four opened their eyes, and Lynn Jr and the twins looked at Lincoln.
"Lincoln… This you is cold." Lynn Jr said.
"You think I don't know that?" Lincoln grimaced.
As Spy!Lincoln was done with the two men, he walked over to the intelligence briefcase, grabbed it and was about to leave the room. He happened to look down and see the multitude of racy photos of him and Ronnie Anne. He then spotted one photo. With two deft brushes of his hand, the racy photos were swept to the sides, allowing him to pick up the photo he wanted.
The photo showed him and Ronnie Anne walking on the street, their backs turned to the the photographer and their hands intertwined. The sun was setting in front of them, and they didn't care. They smiled at each other, clearly lost in their own world.
Spy!Lincoln's dispassionate demeanor melted away.
"Ah… ma petit chou-fleur." Lincoln sighed happily, slipping the photo inside his suit jacket before walking out of the room, intelligence briefcase in hand.
"That's… kinda romantic." Lynn Jr admitted, not completely sure how to feel about the whole context.
"What does that 'ma petit chou-fleur' even mean?" Lana asked.
"Considering it's French, it's probably something romantic." Lola sighed.
A subtitle popped up.
(My little cauliflower.)
"...The French are weird." Lincoln commented. No one felt like arguing.
Just then, the front door opened and the four could hear the rest of their sisters come in with their parents.
"Well, I'm gonna check out what they've been doing." Lynn Jr declared as she got up and walked out, the twins following after. Lincoln was left in the room alone, before he turned off the machine and walked downstairs.
He saw everyone in the room, before feeling someone hug from behind.
"GEEZ! Lucy!" Lincoln forced his racing heart to calm down. "Don't do that!"
"Sorry." The goth said, starting to let go.
"I mean stop surprising me. I didn't mean stop hugging me."
"..."
Lincoln turned around and hugged Lucy back.
"Lincoln?"
"Lucy...I saw it too."
Lincoln felt Lucy freeze.
"I promise you, I'll never be him. I won't leave you alone."
Lucy hugged him back with all the strength an eight year old could muster. Lincoln soon felt other people encircle and hug him as well. Lincoln bore it all silently.
Meanwhile, Lynn Jr and the twins looked at each other.
"Okay, is there something we're missing?" Lola asked rhetorically.
Authors Note:
Wow, even on a subject that I do like, it felt like a chore writing this up. Probably thinking about taking a break. Probably after the next one.