The ceiling blurred as my eyes stopped focusing on it because it found it useless to do so since I have been staring at it for awhile. I kept staring at it anyway with my eyes out of focus. I didn't sleep well again and the dark shadows under my eyes were looking ridiculous. I looked to my left and let my eyes go into focus again to read the time. It was time to get up and get ready for work. My body agreed with my mind and wanted to stay in bed for the day, maybe for the week. It was also much more stubborn that it took effort to just sit up in bed. Just the thought of getting out of bed and dragging myself to work and to force smiles to everyone made my heart drop into my stomach causing my stomach to go into a knot. Not only was my body so stubborn, it was also very convincing and soon I fell back down with a sigh. My body was right. I could not go to work today.

I guess this is what missing someone felt like. I haven't felt like this in so long since my ex boyfriend in my late teens. No wonder I stayed away from serious relationships for years because this hurt so much. All I could do was think about what Tom is doing, thinking or feeling. What could he be doing right now? Could he be lying down in bed like I am, and thinking that maybe he should say something to me? Or maybe just thinking about me? Or was he out filming and having fun with the crew with no thoughts about me? I squeezed my eyes shut and rolled to my side. I should not think about that. Of course he is thinking about me.

Maybe.

A small chance.

A very, very minute chance.

My heart started sinking again. I was kidding myself. He was not thinking about me. Absolutely no chance. I was the only one here that was doing the missing and miserably thinking. He was probably out there enjoying his fame and job being all happy and excited about everything, which he deserves, no doubt. And here I was moping and work was not helping with the oppressed state because everyone thought we were still happily together and that I remembered every moment with him.

I assume I can finally accept the fact that I have fallen for Tom without having to regain those memories I had with him. It was no use now that I have feelings for him because without those memories, I was not going to be with him and I highly doubt that if I were to get those memories back, I still won't have a chance to be with him either.

It has been just over a week since Tom and I stopped talking and I was angry at myself for not getting over this stupid attachment I had over him. I just wanted all the feelings and thoughts to disappear so I can get along with my life. People say that love and affection is the greatest thing in life but they obviously are liars. Only lucky people feel that it is great and I'm obviously not one of those lucky people.

I rolled over and dialled my work's number and called in sick. I felt a weight off my shoulders. I get to mope with freedom in the comfort of my own home.

My nap was ruined by the ringing of my phone. I had ignored the first few times it rang but this person obviously really desperately needed to contact me. I half opened my eyes and absently stared at my wardrobe while waiting for the ringing to stop. My eyes hurt from too much sleep yet it was still groggy and wanted more sleep. The ringing stopped and I closed my eyes to return back to the nap that I really did not need but it helped when knowing that the day would just be spent moping and nothing better. However the ringing started again and it was hurting my head. I froze when I grabbed the phone to see who was calling, much to my surprise, it was Tom.

My mind immediately flourished with hopeful thoughts and wishes that he probably is calling to say that everything was okay and that he would be coming to mine with lunch. I half rolled my tired eyes at that thought.

That was extremely highly unlikely.

"Hi," I did not know how else to greet someone that you like but they hate you in return.

"You're not at work today?" I think he probably could not think of a better way to greet me as well.

"Yeah, I'm sick," I had no idea why I told him I was sick; he would not care about the reason behind not going to work. My stomach twisted at the thought that I lied to him again. "Actually, I'm not sick. I just told work I was sick. I wanted to spend the day in bed."

I heard a short chuckle over the phone. "Right, I just got a call from your work because your boss wanted to schedule an interview with me and she told me to tell you that she hopes you got well soon. I was baffled for a moment."

"Oh, right."

"Yeah, well… I will let you go."

No, don't get off the phone yet, I wanted to tell him. "I remembered something else the other day. About you."

"Hmm?"

"A memory with you in it, that's what I meant to say," I frowned at my illiteracy.

"What happened in that memory?"

"Well, you sort of told me bedtime stories on nights I couldn't sleep and the specific memory I had was when you told me about when you first met me. So, I sort of know how we first met but I don't remember it. It's funny," I forced out a laugh.

"That's good, you're slowly getting there."

I smiled and thanked him. His voice had a slight joy in it.

"Well, you should tell me the memories you remember so I can keep track of how well you're going. I mean, after all, I am supposed to look after you."

My smile stretched wider. "Well, I hope from now on it would be more frequent."

"I hope so too."

That phone call gave me only a pint of hope but nonetheless brightened my day and soon after I left the bed.

I started roaming around and finding things to do like the laundry or the dishes and surely there were heaps of dirty laundry and unclean dishes. My week of negativity and laziness did add up to the mess in my home.

During the process of cleaning my apartment, it cleared my mind from the weight and dreading feelings of how my life was falling apart and was replaced with few theories of getting over these foolish obstacles.

One theory had started to make me feel ecstatic with beginning to get over my problems. I was so ecstatic that the dirty dishes were poorly placed in the dishwasher which did not give any space for the other dirty dishes that were still lying around the kitchen when usually a lot could fit inside. I chose not to bother and carelessly put the dishwashing tablet before starting the machine to start washing. I hurried to the lounge room where my laptop was placed.

I wanted to find out possible ways to accelerate the process of entirely recovering my memories. I have heard that some patients of amnesia recovered every single memory in such a short time and I was interested in how they did that. I was curious on what they did in order to be normal again and have everything in their lives look and feel familiar again. Surely their procedures might not work with me but it would not hurt if I tried them. All this time I just researched on doctor's recommendation on what patients should do and most of them just recommended being patient and living the daily routines that the patient had been doing before their memory loss. I have been doing all that and there were no changes. Maybe I'm exaggerating because, yes, I did gain a few memories in a short time but still that was no change in the love aspect. I was indeed hoping that memories of my current lifestyle would come back to me but I was also hoping more in remembering about this love I had with Tom.

After searching tens of websites about other patient's experiences, my back was hunched which started to cause my muscles to ache in the unnatural position. Some patients reported that some emotions, say, fear, caused them to regain some memories regarding that emotion which seems pretty logical. However, I did not feel love with Tom so I could not feel that in order to regain the memories. Maybe there were other emotions I felt with him that might help but how could I know?

On the other hand there was one patient's experience that caught my attention. This particular patient reported that they went skydiving and the thrill of that experience caused all the memories that they have lost to return to them as soon as the experience ended. The patient's assumption was that a dangerous, scary and thrilling experience must have caused the brain to react in some way resulting in unlocking the memories that were lost within. Certainly it did sound very illogical and an extremely rare case but I saw hope in that.

So far I have been living my life as normally as I could. I have been going to work and working like I usually did and before that I had Tom sleeping over at times and always being with me. We even kissed and acted like lovers when I lied that I remembered him and that did not help unlock the memories. The emotions I have tried to feel too, but the closest to love is lust and I feel that towards Tom and I even started accept that. It only means that I should just probably try doing something scary and thrilling. What could fit into that category? Loads, I bet. I just needed to settle on something that I know I can do. Skydiving was just way out of my comfort zone.

I rested my back onto the sofa I was sitting on and started to ponder.

"Something dangerous," I muttered. "Dangerous means stupid and stupid is what I do exceptionally well with alcohol involved."

I did not want to be intoxicated to do something dangerous. With only a few minutes of pondering all I could think about was bungee jumping and riding on the scariest rollercoaster. If those do not work then I could just think of something scarier and more dangerous.

Forgive me for the tardiness. You know how you know where the story is going but just can't seem to write it up in between? I just struggled with that with this chapter.

There is not much going on in this one and I apologise. I'll be going on a holiday for 2 months next week and I won't be able to update till December unless I miraculously get bored and write up something during the vacation and if I use my friend's laptop because I don't own one. In saying that, I will try very hard to fit in more writing and update within the week.

Thank you for the lovely reviews and constant reminders to update soon (they literally cause me to go into writing mode and write a few paragraphs each time).

Enjoy

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