The air around me was still and almost hard for me to breathe probably because I was holding my breath while trying not to look desperate. It was like the air particles just stopped its freedom of movement and was stuck to my skin causing my skin to heat up. I ignored it all and watched Tom intently as he moved his gaze from his cup to the floor. He was gently biting his lips briefly and frowning before looking back at my direction and not meeting my eyes.

I looked down and fiddled with my ring while attempting to look relaxed. "It is kind of stupid now that I think about it," I started to say.

"It is," he replied quickly.

"Yeah, it has been two weeks since we got back anyway and I'm just feeling all this rage about everything about not remembering because there are all these blanks in my memory that has come about in my life. I'm just playing along with everything and pretending that I am okay with how my life is at the moment but I just don't know how my life led up to this. It's like walking into the cinemas late and the movie has already started and you're trying hard to understand the storyline. You ask people and they just explain it briefly and expect you to just sit there anyway and enjoy the movie. I don't know how I'm an editor for that company because I just don't know the gist of everything yet, I don't know why I'm living here because it's cold all the time when I love the sun and I don't know about you. There's something there but then my brain kicks into overdrive and says that it's all wrong and it's not worth it."

He just sat there and watched me with no obvious expression on his face.

I tried to relax my shoulders realising that I was tensing up. "Sorry, I wasn't actually planning to be deep about all of that."

He responded with a sigh as he looked away with a frown forming slowly. He relaxed a little before he looked back at me, "Let me think about it."

I wanted to sit back and try to make more conversation with him to break the tension between us but judging from Tom swiftly getting out of his seat and pouring out the untouched orange juice into the sink, I decided that maybe it was best to take my leave. I straightened my back to give me that boost of confidence before getting up, "Okay, well let me know."

I hated tensions and the awkward ones were the worst of them. If I could run out of here, I definitely would have but to look like it never had an effect on me, I chose fast pace walking.

"I didn't mean it in a bad way," he said but did not make any effort to approach me instead stood still while I approached the door.

"I know," maybe I should have slowed down with my pace, so it was subtler. I gave him a quick smile to reassure him and myself that it was okay before leaving.

I spent the rest of the day subconsciously forming my hands into a fist or occasionally frowning at myself while performing mundane tasks. My house was a mess which was quite similar to my mind. I figured that if I cleaned my home then maybe my mind might settle down and I'll be able to figure out what I was thinking or feeling. I was never this messy with my home – at least that was how I remembered myself to be. My hands kept forming into a fist because there was something inside me that just kept telling me to try harder. Maybe I should have stayed back and try to break that tension. After all, I was the one that caused all this. I was the one that kept pushing back everything and not wanting my memories back. I paused at that thought. I didn't want my memories back?

I leaned onto the dining table with a blank gaze. I was in denial this whole time. This whole time I just pretended to want to gain my memories only because I felt so lost with myself and in this world that I don't feel familiar with. I was trying to make my place in this world because that me before the accident had her life together but at the same time I felt like that life wasn't for me. Yes, it was my goal to move abroad and work here but this life wasn't what I planned. Dating a movie star? I don't want that. Now the public is trying to find out what is happening between us. Being an editor for this magazine? I didn't want that either. I have no idea what I am doing there. People offer to help and it's great but at the end of the day everything I do still feels foreign. It was like going to an Australian themed bar overseas and even though it does seem like it, it is still foreign and fake. Everything in my life feels fake.

I couldn't move from the realisation that I was kidding myself this entire time. I did not even know I was in denial. This whole time it was just camouflaged under all this stress of wanting to get my memories back because that was what everyone wanted. They wanted the best for me. But what is the best for me? It was lingering subtly under all the confused thoughts and rollercoaster of emotions with Tom. Tom being the distraction because he was all around me. He was always with me with one mission on his mind, to get his lover back. I didn't focus on myself even though I was pushing him away because I knew he'd always be back.

It was all a game that I subconsciously played because of the fear that my conscious self was going to discover that it has been denial all along. Denial was playing a big part of why I was such a confusing and irritating human being. Who in their right minds would even do this? I'm sure if someone that was not stupid would have worked so hard to retrieve their memories back to get back to that life that is continuing around them. To stop from being stagnant in their lives.

Here I am, stagnant. Not moving. Frozen. On an everlasting pause. And not seriously doing something about it. All this time I was dragging Tom around in hope that maybe all my thoughts and feelings about this would fade away and just like in the movies everything will just click back into its place. It wasn't happening like that though.

Just like that, with all the thoughts flooding through my mind, I couldn't take it anymore. I crouched down to the floor and brought my knees to my chest and started to cry. It was small ripples of emotions at first but gradually became bigger and my body started to feel the full swing of the ripples. There I was under the dining table hysterically crying because I did not know what to do anymore.

Several minutes passed and I forced myself to stop the crying. I needed to get back to cleaning and I needed to stop all these emotions. It was too much and my chest felt like it had been shot by bullets of despair. I needed to get on with my life and deal with the denial in a proper way. I had no idea how but I had to ignore it and try this time. I had to try and be serious about it all. This life could be something so much better than how I have perceived it.

I started to crawl out of my hiding place and attempted to get onto my feet when another wave of emotions hit me. It hit my already sore torso and the tears started to roll down, more calmly this time. I slowly laid down on my side and stared out the window above the sink and let the emotions take over me.