Chapter 6

Shepard's eyes blurred as she recapped a sharpie and tossed it across the desk. She'd gotten back from a meeting and sat down to review only a couple of the potential crewmen's files. She'd gone over Anchor's file. Everything looked in order. If he kept in line with his history, he'd be a good shipman. There was something about it though, she couldn't quite put her finger on. Some of the records seemed a little too glowing, and there had been a lot of administrative positions over the years. Admiral Hackett said Anchor had connection.

She tucked a paper list of names into a desk drawer and stood. She'd gone through so many personnel files they were melding together. The ones the Alliance recommended weren't impressing her. She needed to stretch outside the files coming across her desk. Maybe she needed to do some of her own digging. Admiral Hackett had said she could assemble her own crew.

She rubbed her eyes with the back of her hand then turned the desk's terminal off. She flicked off the desk light and the room fell into darkness except for the dim lamp on her nightstand. She moved to her bed. The door buzzed.

Shepard looked back at the front door. It could be Liara again. It had been weeks since Shepard had seen her and Tali at that dextran fusion place. They still needed to try Angelo's sometime. It was pretty late though and Liara was so busy. Still, she had dropped by before unexpectedly. Shepard opened the door.

"Kaidan?"

He brushed past her into her room. "Sorry, Shepard. Just need to get out of the hallway."

Shepard frowned and turned to face him. "You shouldn't be here, Kaidan."

"I know."

She hit the door's close button. It slid shut behind her.

"I wanted to see you," he said.

"All right, you see me," Shepard put her arms out, "but you shouldn't be here. If you know that—"

"I leave in the morning," he said. "I know you're leaving too. Soon. I'm not sure when we'll see each other again. Maybe a long time, maybe years." He concentrated on his boots then looked up. "I can go though. I don't want to put you in a bad spot."

"No." Shepard sighed. "I didn't know you were shipping out."

"Only to Prague for now, my students are there, but when the relays are back there's a longer assignment. I don't know what, but we might miss each other before I go. It could be a long time."

Shepard nodded absently. The door behind her was closed. She knew that. Still, it felt wide open and exposing.

"No one knows I'm here. I didn't see anyone in the hall."

"You're aware that Admiral Hackett stays in the hall one section over?"

Kaidan's face blanched, but it passed. "No. I didn't know."

"Maybe you should have messaged me. I could have met you in public somewhere."

"That would be better?"

Shepard put her hands on her hips and drummed her fingers in thought. A public sighting would probably only flame the rumor's cinders.

"Well, maybe not," Shepard conceded, "but being seen here has a hell of a lot more implications, Kaidan."

He shifted on his feet then sighed. He took a step forward. "I'll go."

"Wait." Shepard put a palm against his chest.

He stopped. She snatched her hand back. It had been reflexive like grabbing at a falling pot of boiling water, a good way to get burned.

"You're already here," she said. "The chance of someone seeing you leave now is probably the same as leaving later. So, stay."

"I won't stay long. I didn't want to go without seeing you. You're still my friend. We went through a lot together. You don't just let people like that go without saying goodbye."

"All right. You've convinced me. I'll hang up with security."

"Gee, thanks. You're such a generous hostess."

"Ha, ha." Shepard brushed past him but not too close. She stepped down into the living room and turned on an end table's lamp. She gestured to the couch.

"Take a seat, Major."

"See, that generous hostess again."

He came down the steps and sat on the far couch.

"Hell, yeah, I'm generous," Shepard said. "It's the middle of the night. You're not aware of conventional visiting hours? You're way passed the cut off."

"Didn't see it posted anywhere. Your own fault if there's confusion."

"You need visiting etiquette posted, huh? Want some signs up as a reminder to keep your boots off the table and use coasters for cold drinks?"

He looked down at his boots. "They're clean. Besides, I don't have anything cold to forget to put on a coaster."

"Are you asking me for a beer?"

"A generous hostess would already have asked. You need more practice."

"I'll have to get my visiting hours posted first."

She walked up the steps to the fridge.

"You don't really have to get me one." He twisted back to look at her.

"Did you bring your ID?" Shepard pulled two bottles out. She strolled down and handed him one. "Here you go. On the house."

She clanked her bottle against his.

"On the house, eh?" He twisted off the cap and took a drink. "Even after I missed happy hour? I take back what I said about your hostess skills."

"Phew." She came around him and sat in the same corner on the other couch. "Could have lost ten minutes of REM worrying about that."

"Ten minutes? That shouldn't be worth more than five. You're more sensitive about your hostess skills than I thought. Good thing I apologized."

"Did you apologize? I don't think that counts as an apology."

"I said I took it back. Redacted it."

"Well, good enough, I guess."

They perched on the edge of the couches. Kaidan gave a wide look around the room and took another drink.

"Swanky, Shepard."

"See what celebrity buys."

"Didn't buy a large flat screen TV with it though. Guess celebrity can't buy everything."

"I have a large flat screen window." Shepard motioned in front of her. "Why do I need a TV?"

"That you do." He stood up staring at it. "Pretty amazing actually. Not a lot of windows like this in barracks."

"Celebrity, like I said."

"Probably doesn't get bioticball though."

He bent and paused with his bottle hovering over the coffee table. He turned looking over the end table and then back to the coffee table.

"Shepard! You don't even have any coasters."

"Oh." She took a swig. It was good. Everything felt right - the beer, everything. "I may have put the cart before the horse on that one."

"Cart before the horse?" He smirked. "Think how many generations of humans have said that. How many more generations will?"

"Still works."

"Well, yeah, it makes sense if you know what a horse is. Have you even seen a horse?"

"I was born on a colony. It's not like I never spent any time on Earth. Alliance's Historic Headquarters are here, you ass."

"You didn't answer the question."

"Fine." She put her beer on the table. "I've seen pictures."

"Pictures? Oh." Kaidan set his beer down next to hers. "Sitting with a horse expert the whole time."

"Damn right. Over my lifetime, I've probably seen five different pictures of horses and, after you leave, I'm gonna look up five more. Then I can say I've seen ten."

"Wow. Slow down." Kaidan put his palms up. "I see I've touched on something there."

"So, I take it you've seen horses?"

"Sure, lots of time, even ridden. But I grew up on Earth, lived on property, so really not that impressive coming from me."

Shepard stood up. "I think I'll stick to fish."

She rounded the opposite side of the coffee table and walked up to the window. Kaidan came up beside her.

"Kaidan, I'm impressed." She glanced over at him. "You actually looked for a coaster."

"Well, you may be an excellent hostess, but I'm an excellent guest."

"An excellent guest would have brought a house warming gift."

"Coasters," they said in unison.

Kaidan smiled over at her holding her gaze for a moment before turning to the window. In the room's dimness, the night sky stretched out before of them. There wasn't a moon tonight or not one in the part of the sky they could see.

Kaidan sighed and folded her arms. "Reminds me of the observation deck on the Normandy. Stars are just further away."

"A lot of things are further away than on the Normandy."

Kaidan glanced sideways at her. Shepard looked away.

"What's this mission in Prague?" she asked.

"Special ops securing the reaper tech being scavenged by roving interest groups. I'm more concerned about the Terra Firma activity though. The attacks are up. It's becoming more organized. They've been targeting the dextran factories, alien refuge shelters, assassinated or tried to assassinate who know how many. You heard about the turien delegation in Prague?"

Shepard nodded. "Poisoned, right?'

"Yeah, some new poison, works on every species we've seen. Seen it used orally and injected. The ones that lived had horrible amnesic hangovers, probably got less of a dose. Haven't been able to identify it yet."

"They'd didn't find the assassins?"

"For the Prague delegates? No, it was only one person. Some assassin Terra Firma's been contracting with. Damn good with biotics too. Killed an asari matriarch a couple months back. Caught her in the embassy garden."

"So, you're going to find this assassin in Prague?"

"Who knows where the assassin is now? Probably already left Europe. No, I'm more interested in the rumors coming out of Prague. Terra Firma's got some end game up their sleeve, an attack of some sort. With the relay's coming back up, their isolationist agenda's on a time table - smother the aliens and keep the relays offline."

"If that's true, why'd they stop targeting spacecrafts?"

"There's a leader now, someone organizing them, someone with a bigger vision. That's who I care about. There's not much intelligence on it. Worth digging into anyway."

"Sounds like you might get to use a gun."

"Maybe, but they keep pretty low profile. Probably think no one's paying much attention."

"I love giving wake up calls."

"Exactly." He looked sideways at her. "What about you though? They're sending you back out on the Normandy?"

"Word's already on the street, huh?"

"You think my source of information is the street?"

"Alliance News Network then? I hope it hasn't gotten that far," Shepard said. "I've been looking at personnel files. Except for my XO, Anchor, the admiral has me assembling my own crew."

"He knows you have instinct for putting together a good team."

"Yeah, well, I never went off files and words before. I met people, just ran into so many by happenstance."

"Fate?"

"Fate. Hmm, think there is such a thing?"

"I don't know. I don't know that there isn't."

"You come and joke with me then philosophize. You are a good guest or at least an interesting one."

"See."

They almost touched standing side by side facing out the window. Who had been the one to drift closer, Shepard wasn't sure. She should probably step away, but he was looking out the window. He didn't seem to be paying attention to it. It was fine, and there was still space between them.

"What's your assignment?" he asked. "If you can say."

"Something deep space. The Normandy's being retrofitted for it. Read something about Elliom in Hackett's back and forth with Parliament, and he mentioned some Mass Effect Shard in the Sol relay that's cracked. But I don't know, haven't gotten the rundown. Could do with the rogue mercs tapping our ships. Probably something just to keep lawlessness from taking advantage of the solar system while the powers out."

"Elliom?" he asked frowning into the window then shrugged. He looked back at her. "You don't have to retire the armor then?"

"Never. I mean, hell, I hope not. Something tells me though, I'll be using more words than bullets to solve problems."

"I don't know which you're faster on the draw with."

"You should see me draw both at the same time."

"I have."

"Just checking. Seeing if you remember."

"I remember." He caught her eye.

The quiet stretched between them. The pale lamp light lit one side of his face as he searched her eyes. She turned away.

"They'll be a lot of problems to resolve. I won't run out anytime soon," she said.

"I suppose there will be a lot to smooth out," he said.

"I suppose so." Shepard swallowed. "You know, before winning the war, a lot of things were said - agreements, promises, understandings. They offered things that maybe they shouldn't have. Now, it's reality." Kaidan watched her, hadn't looked away. "So, that's what I'll do. I don't want to be too involved, that's for the politicians, but I'll straighten things out where I can. Without the war, none of these pacts would have happened, even with me saying the exact same thing. We came together for the war, but now we've won, and it's a different place."

Kaidan seemed to consider it and looked back out the window. "It's a lofty task. I don't know if anyone can do, but if anyone can, it's you, Shepard."

"We'll see."

Kaidan looked away from the window. "I should go, Shepard. I don't want to keep you up."

Shepard nodded with a tight smile. He moved past her, and she followed him up the living room steps. They neared the door, and his steps slowed. He spun around.

"Look, Shepard. I—I don't know what to say. All I know is that we won this war, but for me, it feels like we lost. We're alive, standing, but that's not enough anymore. I don't want to just be alive to breathe and go through the motions. I want you, Shepard. I've always wanted you."

"Kaidan …"

"I know, I know, but I wanted you to know that. That's how I feel."

"That may change."

"I don't think so, Shepard."

"Kaidan, there's too much invested in the Alliance, what we do, who we are."

"What about what's invested in us?"

"Kaidan. I know you mean what you're saying, but trust me, you'll regret it. You've done too much to get where you are. I've heard you talk about the biotics program, your students. A few more years, there'll probably be another promotion. Maybe sooner. Don't do anything stupid. I don't want to live with that, and I won't accept it. Give it time. After a while you'll be relieved you stayed the course. This path was always your future, your dream." He didn't say anything as he held her eyes. She sighed. "When you were a kid on Jump Zero, imagine how you'd see yourself now - all the good you've done, all the good you will do, everything you've worked so hard for and to become. Don't give that up, you'd regret it. I'd regret it."

Kaidan stepped closer. "I don't know, Shepard. I understand what you're staying, and it makes sense. But at the same time … I don't know. But, I'll step aside. I don't want to cause any problems." He reached out and touched her face. Then he leaned in and kissed her.

This kiss was light and soft, a breath of oxygen to air-starved lips. She could smell him, hear each breath across her cheek, feel the warm off his skin. So near after all this time, it ignited a flash fire combusting out of her chest. Flames raced through her veins. All those months in the hospital thinking he was gone, and he was here now holding her face. The pulse under his skin, flush of warmth from his fingertips, taste of his breath – it sent her spinning. All her senses and scattered thoughts boiled with the relief of his thumb caressing her cheek. He was here.

He pulled away, and their lips broke. Gravity lurched up her throat tearing through her chest as he drew back. Missing him had left an emptiness. It fell over her again like a shadow. Her hands flashed up and caught his face. Their eyes locked. She drew him back with her fingertips, and the hollowness in his eyes kindled. He searched her eyes almost frantically as she leaned in and kissed him.

It was strong and fierce. Her fingertips dug into the curve of his jaw, and as his mouth opened to her, she surged against him. Breathless and dizzy, she smelled him, tasted him, felt the grain of his jaw under her chin. His fingers slid through her hair tightening in the strands above her neck. A drumming in her ears drowned away the feverish hitch in each breath. Her fingers trailed down his neck, and he shivered. A smile split her lips as she pressed tighter against him. Each breath burned faster and stronger as his chest labored against hers. Her fingertips traced the button at his collar and released it. She fumbled with the next kissing him harder and deeper. He grabbed the back of her hands, broke the kiss.

"No. I – I should leave."

Heat flashed in her chest. "You kissed me."

"I know," he said. He lowered her hands and stepped back. "I probably shouldn't have. I'm sorry."

"You're already here."

"I can't. It wouldn't change anything, and I don't think my heart could take it. Bye, Shepard."

He reached forward and touched her face lightly. He smiled weakly then backed up and turned to the door. Shepard couldn't move. The door slid open, and he leaned out looking both directions before turning back to her.

"Kaidan ..."

"Be careful out there, Shepard."

He left. The doors slid shut. She stared at it. And maybe for the first time, she hated him. Her bones chilled deep. She'd been fine an hour ago, getting better. Well, maybe not better, but better than this. Anything was better than this.

She shuffled down to the coffee table and snatched up his partial bottle of beer. She threw her head back taking two prolonged gulps to finish it and stared down at it in her hand. Her fist clenched around it, and she hurled it across the room at the recycler. It boomed against the wall, ricocheting, and skipped across the linoleum. She sank to the floor by the sofa as a heaviness fell over her. She looked up at the stars. For the first time, she even hated them.