Author's Note: Glad to see I haven't scared off my audience with my long absence. Not glad to know that I lost at least one audience member because they were homophobic. To clarify, yes, Rogers is in fact gay, I just really didn't think I had to outright state it. As a writer, it is my job to convey a story and something I was told in high school was to Show, Not Tell when necessary.
And if you decide to stop reading this story just because I happen to have a gay character in the story, then you are just shooting yourself in the foot. I doubt I will change your mindset and I hope you will in your own time, but I'm sorry that you decided to give up on a story for a rather petty reason. I really hope you change your mind and finish this story regardless of your stance on LBGTQ people.
Also, thank you everyone else for their reviews. I don't like Karmi that much, either, AngetianPrincess18, and I hope she improves as a character. I just didn't feel satisfied with Hiro punching her because A) she didn't know the whole story and B) it was a bit of an overreaction. I wanted to show Hiro getting agitated during a panic attack as a way to remind myself and the viewers that he still isn't getting much better at the moment. And I don't want to write a Revenge Fic about Karmi, either, since it really wasn't worth it.
Kagome11, don't worry, I'll be taking care of that soon. I think Karmi definitely has some standards. Example from the short, Baymax and Hiro: Hiro being fed food by Baymax like a baby? She pulls out her camera and takes a picture. Hiro choking on said food because Baymax wasn't careful? She immediately stops, lowers her phone and looks concerned. I think she definitely isn't a sadist, but she definitely isn't a saint either.
Whoops, sorry jettmanas, hope I didn't spoil any twists since it was a big deal on Tumblr. Be sure to watch the episode, it was pretty good. Thanks for your critiques as always. Part of the issue is that Hiro really isn't talking about it in the first place. He's not really comfortable talking about it yet and wants to do so when he feels like he's ready. Yeah, I definitely hope that they reveal Go Go and Wasabi's real names in the series officially. I think they confirmed that Honey Lemon isn't a nickname, but I'm not sure.
Sorry for the long AN, onto the story!
(0-0)
He wanted to run. He wanted to run as far away as he could. Why did he think he could handle this? There was no escaping the pain and fear and frustration. He was supposed to be in control, so why did he just lost it?
Hiro pelted down the hallways, biting down the bile in his mouth and the screams in his throat. He needed to get away, there were too many reminders. He tried to handle the problem, but just one mention of –
BeepBeepBeepBeepBeepBeep!
– him, just one, sent him into another spiral. He wasn't going to get better, Hiro just knew it.
What was wrong with him?
He stopped to collect his breath, numbly aware of the tears rolling down his face. Hiro coughed and tried to breathe in and out, but it only made more tears flow. He could hear his heart rattling in his chest, he had to calm himself down.
Happy thoughts. Think happy thoughts. F-Fred's Brotillion. Aunt Cass got the money for the new coffee machine and then the party ended up being in the Lucky Cat. What else? Mochi clapping. Man, I want to hug that little guy.
His breath finally started to slow, but his train of thought continued.
Trying on Wasabi's suit and stopping Noodle Burger Boy. Wasabi looked so proud and happy that we were working together. Did Honey Lemon take a picture of us? I can't remember…she said I was cute in the outfit…
He rested a hand on a nearby chair and nearly focused all his weight on it.
Any time that Go Go smiled. She really needs to do that more often. And when Baymax was rebuilt –
Hiro stopped. Baymax being rebuilt. Tadashi being alive. Two people he cared about gone in an instant and back just as quickly, like they were pulling a prank on him. What was the difference? Baymax never told him about his Healthcare chip in the glove back in the portal dimension. Why? Was it meant to be a surprise?
Was everyone out against him for a laugh?! Was every bad thing that he or someone else connected to him just a case of someone wanting to be amused for a moment?
Or was it some form of karma? Callaghan started this to get his daughter back at the cost of Tadashi and Baymax, but he's stuck in prison for the rest of his life. Hiro wanted closure and was starting to get it until recently. Everything he wasn't able to say to Tadashi out of pride or fear was flung back in his face like an accusation. Every passing moment that he tried to move on now felt hollow and pointless. What was the point in mourning someone if they weren't dead? What was the point in closing wounds if they would just be opened up again?
His hand brushed against clutter; nuts and bolts and crumpled paper. Hiro looked up and paused. So this was where he was? What better place to run off to when the world was too much than a place you were comfortable in?
He waited for the dreaded iciness to return, to remind him that he was treading on more painful reminders, but it didn't come to him. Because this was his lab as much as it was – or still is – Tadashi's.
Hiro took a deep breath and wiped his face of any tears that hadn't dried. He wasn't going to get passed this by avoiding the issue. What was it about all this that scared him the most? It didn't take long for Hiro to find the answer, and he knew what he was going to talk about in his next counseling session.
(0-0)
"It's good to see you again, Hiro," Rogers greeted the boy as he was led into the office, "I hope you're doing alright."
"Not really," Hiro shook his head, "I'm taking the medicine and all…but the days I forget to take them are just awful."
"You could make reminders for yourself or have your robot, Baymax do that for you."
"I can't always depend on Baymax to do stuff for me," Hiro said, "I'll put a reminder on my phone."
"Alright. I'm sorry you've been having these attacks, Hiro."
"It's fine," Hiro lied and he knew that Rogers knew, "There's something else I wanted to talk about…I wanted to talk about…the night the fire happened."
Rogers nodded, but his face was neutral. Hiro couldn't tell if he was for or against the idea.
Maybe it's just part of his job. Like waiting for me to want to talk about it. He thought.
Hiro took a deep breath and let out a hollow chuckle instead, "It's really funny. I was so focused on what happened that night I forgot about everything else that happened earlier. I know I was working all night on the microbots and Aunt Cass insisted I finish in the morning, but I stayed up anyways and finished up under an hour. Then I was dragged off to bed and all I could think was how nervous I was feeling about it, and I still don't know how I fell asleep, because the next thing I knew, I was yawning and getting up and it felt like I did get some sleep because I just felt better."
Hiro took another deep breath and continued.
"I didn't eat much that day because I was so excited and nervous and Aunt Cass kept telling me to eat and even piled stuff onto my plate that I liked. Fried eggs, sausages, pears and plums and grapes. I still didn't eat it, because I don't think I had any appetite. I couldn't really focus on anything, except for this wrestling match with Tada –"
Another deep breath.
With Tadashi. I mean, I've sparred with him to pass the time when I was still in high school, because we both took self-defense classes."
"You said you took them to deal with bullies?" Rogers interrupted.
Hiro nodded, "Yeah, and no one really bothered me when I got in high school. It was different, though, because it was just tussling. Like grapples and wet-willies and noggies. Then, he just started tickling me and said he wouldn't stop if I didn't say 'Uncle'."
He grinned, "I don't remember the last time I did that with him, probably when I was ten."
The same time I stopped having Shiro sleep in my bed. I can't believe how much I missed that dusty ol' bunny. He thought.
"It wasn't really far from my house – the college, I mean – so, we just called the others over and had them help us get them to the showcase on time. It took us at least half an hour since we were going slow and then I saw how much tech there was being shown and I felt…nervous. I hadn't been challenged mentally for a long time and for the first time, I was feeling scared. What if I didn't get accepted? What then? And the others just knew how much it was worrying me and were just telling me I could do it, because I really wanted to go."
"You're blessed with good friends, Hiro," Rogers smiled.
Hiro smiled back, "I know."
A pause.
"I thought I wasn't going to get in after the first few seconds of my presentation. But I looked at Tadashi and he mouthed 'Breathe' and the rest of the presentation went well. In the end, a huge crowd had formed, and they were all cheering. For me."
Hiro chuckled, "For. Me. I never knew how good it felt to have people you never knew just looking so excited and amazed at what you can do. The rest of it was just a blur…"
Except for a few things like Krei and…Callaghan… Hiro couldn't bring himself to say this out loud. He was afraid of telling his therapist of secrets that the man shouldn't be in the know of, for his own safety.
"Aunt Cass promised to celebrate and that dinner was on her and that was the first time I realized how hungry I was. Tadashi and I just stayed behind to talk a little bit, and I just thought that nothing could have ruined that moment."
His tone became darker and he fought at the iciness in his heart. He would be in control this time. He would be master of himself, "And I guess you know Finagle's Law; if something bad is going to happen, it will. So, we saw smoke rising from the Expo Hall and we just ran towards it. People were running out…flames were starting to build…we didn't know what had happened. And then someone tells us that…Callaghan was still in there…and then Tadashi starts heading into the building…"
Hiro felt his head become numb, like it was getting detached from the rest of his body.
"I grab his hand to stop him. And then…" Hiro's lip trembled, "he looked me right in the eyes and…" He stopped for a moment, before continuing, "And…he just said 'Callaghan's in there. Someone has to help!'" Hiro started chuckling quietly. Rogers flinched as the chuckling grew louder and more hysterical before Hiro was laughing in a tremendous voice, his face streaked with tears.
"Hiro," Magnus spoke quietly. Hiro didn't seem to hear him and slunk into the seat more deeply, still laughing as tears began to run down his face. Without a second thought, Magnus got up from his chair and moved over to Hiro's place, helping him up and wrapping his arms around the boy with the practiced air of someone used to comforting a child.
Hiro simply threw his arms around Rogers' neck and sobbed louder. Several minutes passed, only Hiro's sobbing filling the room with sound.
"Shh," Rogers said softly, "Let it out, Hiro. Let it out."
"I…I just…" Hiro tried again, "WHY am I still upset over this?! He's ALIVE! I should be HAPPY! ELATED! Callaghan's in jail, I'm not gonna try hurting myself, I'm not even pushing everyone away! WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!"
"Nothing is wrong with you, Hiro," Rogers started to rub his back, "You're stronger than you think. You have friends and family who love you more than anything in the world. This is just –"
"Just what?!" Hiro spat bitterly, "Is this 'normal in the healing process?' Is it 'natural' that I'm feeling all this stuff again?!"
"Tell me what you're feeling, Hiro," Rogers encouraged, "Are you sad, because it means that Tadashi never left, but he just wasn't with you and your family? Are you mad that he's alive? Are you afraid that you'll lose him?"
"I don't know…" Hiro muttered, "He's back. My big brother, my best friend, my hero…he's alive…I wanted him back. I wanted him to be with me and Aunt Cass and Mochi and Go Go and Fred and Honey Lemon and Wasabi and Baymax and go to college with him. I wanted to take classes with him again. I wanted to spend more time with him. I wanted…"
He paused, sniffling and coughing for a moment.
"…I wanted him to watch me do all those amazing things he hoped I would do. But then, I think of how he just…just threw his life away. He looked me in the eye and then ran into a burning building!"
Hiro stopped and took a deep breath, "I guess I'm…mad that he did something that stupid and even more mad because he always got mad when I do something reckless and thoughtless, so I guess that makes him a hypocrite. I'm…scared that I'm going to wake up and see that his side of the room is still bare and the only other person that would be there is Baymax and that God is just screwing with me again."
Hiro shuddered, but he pressed his face into Rogers' shoulder and continued.
"…I'm hurt."
"About what, Hiro?" Rogers asked quietly.
"I'm…hurt…that Tadashi's back, and it feels like all of those days hurting and not eating or sleeping was for nothing. I'm hurt that the first thing he did wasn't apologize and just wanting to pretend that he didn't almost die three months ago. And…"
Silence.
"Let it out, Hiro, this is a safe place."
The next words were barely a whisper.
"Why did he choose him over me?"
"Callaghan, you mean?"
"…why? What made him special enough to do something that stupid?"
"Maybe you should try seeing things from his perspective, Hiro. How would you feel if it was you in the building and Tadashi ran inside to try and rescue you?"
"I'd be scared and angry because if Tadashi died with me, then Aunt Cass would be all alone!" Hiro snapped. "Yeah, I wouldn't want to die like that, but I'd feel worse if Tadashi also died and it was my fault!"
"Why do you keep thinking back to that night, Hiro? Do you think you could have stopped him?"
"The first month after it happened," Hiro paused, as if trying to collect his thoughts, "I barely slept at all, because I kept watching it happen over and over again…have you ever lost anyone before?"
Hiro felt Rogers stiften slightly.
"My father," he said quietly. Hiro went rigid. Rogers continued, "When I was 12. We had a huge fight one morning…and I told him that I wished he was dead. I don't remember what the fight was about, all I know was that it was something stupid. But, just once, I wanted to win an argument against him, and so I said the worst thing I could think of. And then, I walked out the door and went to the bus stop. He went to work. Then, around noon, I get called to the principal's office and he told me that my father was in a terrible car accident."
Hiro looked at him with wide eyes, his mouth gaping open.
Rogers smiled ruefully, "Two things from that day haunted me for the next ten years. The last words I said to him, and the last time I saw his face. He looked like I ripped his heart right from his chest and was on the verge of tears. By the time I had gotten to school, I already wanted to take them back. And then I found out that I couldn't do that. Every night, I wanted to see him one more time and tell him I was sorry and that I loved him."
"How did the pain stop?" Hiro asked quietly.
"It hasn't, Hiro," Rogers sighed, "I just learned to bear it on my shoulders better. I never stopped hurting, but after the first year, I swore I wouldn't let it destroy me. So, I kept on living. I dedicated almost everything I did in honoring his memory, showing him that I could be a good man. Every good thing that happened to me or a friend helped. The day my mother planted day lilies in the garden, because my father always loved seeing them bloom in the springtime and the fall. When I got my first dog when I moved out of the house."
He looked down at his left hand, at the gold ring shining back at him, and smiled.
"The day I met my husband, and the day we brought home Julie when she was 10 years old.
Neither of them spoke for a minute. Hiro pulled away from the embrace and sat back down on the sofa.
"I'm sorry," Hiro muttered, "That was a personal question. I shouldn't have asked it."
"I had every right to not answer or elaborate on it, Hiro," Rogers said solemnly.
"It's still none of my business to tell anyone else," Hiro said.
"I'd appreciate it if you didn't. The same reason I don't talk about my other appointments. People that come to see me for other reasons, I mean. It's also unethical on my part to discuss our meetings with anyone else without your consent."
"I know," Hiro nodded. He wiped a forgotten tear off his face, "What are you really saying here? That I just accept my brother's back and not wonder why?"
"No," Rogers shook his head, "You have been given a gift. A gift that many people can only dream of. Do you still love your brother?"
"Of course, I do!" Hiro stared at him incredulously.
"Would you like to see him and talk about what you just said to me with him?"
"When…when I'm ready," Hiro said hesitantly.
"Let me just say that I'm not encouraging you to overdo it. Take it one step at a time. If you can be in the same room as your brother, let him know that he's still holding a place in your heart."
"So…don't lose the opportunity I got? But don't force it?" Hiro asked. "How?"
"Start with something small," Rogers suggested, "Take a moment each day to look at him and smile his way. Send him a text about your day. Tell him you love him. Because you never know when you'll lose this chance."
Hiro nodded slowly, a flicker of hope coming over his eyes. He whispered, almost to himself, "I think I can do that."
"Remember, Hiro," Rogers said, "You don't have to force yourself into doing something you don't want to do."
"…but I might not get this chance again. And it's not going to fix itself by just ignoring the problem," Hiro concluded, "Thanks."
(0-0)
"Is he here?" Hiro asked Fred quietly.
Fred nodded.
"Okay," Hiro took a deep breath, "Just wait outside, just in case, okay?"
"I can do that," Fred smiled and opened the door into the lab. Tadashi and Hiro's lab. Hiro could see him looking over the room, muttering half-heartedly over the state it was in. Hiro rolled his eyes. Wasabi would be happy to have someone agree with him. It was getting a little messy.
"Hey," Hiro called out.
Tadashi flinched and slowly looked up with fearful eyes.
Hiro flashed a small smile and held out his fist.
"Fist Bump?" Tadashi asked, his eyes lighting up with hope.
Hiro dropped his hand and rushed into Tadashi, hugging him tightly. When Tadashi wrapped his arms around Hiro, there was the sense of some great weight being lifted off both their shoulders. Hiro ignored the iciness in his heart and fought it down, tightening his hold on his brother.
At this very moment, Hiro was just glad he wasn't dreaming.
(0-0)
Author's Note: I'm not done with this story. Just at least one more chapter and an epilogue and I'm done. I hope to get those done before Countdown to Catastrophe.
Also wanted to confess something. Rogers' story was based on similar stories I have stumbled upon online, where the last words said were regretful. I do NOT want people thinking that I am exploiting someone else's pain, because I think it's really heartbreaking.
This story was written because the typical plotline of Tadashi being alive was typically lackluster and too sweet without considering consequences. It also dishonors the film's message about grief and healing. I wanted to take this story idea, tear it apart, and put it back together because this kind of scenario is truly a gift that many would sell their soul for. I'd give to see my old dog again, because I miss my little sister – yes, I consider my dog my little sister – and the day she was put down hurt. And when my mom wanted to get a new dog, it was because she couldn't stand the thought of having to change her daily schedule so much, since it revolved a good deal around our dog.
I love our new dog like a part of the family and I don't see her as a replacement. It doesn't mean I don't miss my old dog, though.
I had to figure out how to bring about a happy ending for this fic because there are frankly too many Big Hero 6 fics that have the Hamadas going through shit. And I wanted to handle it as properly as I could.
To anyone who still felt offended by my explanation for Rogers' story, I am deeply sorry for that and meant no ill will. This is not meant to be a story to offend.
Thanks for reading!