Chapter 27

"This is good news, Shepard," Councilor Tevos said.

Shepard stood in the quantum entanglement field. The four councilors spread out before her as flickering holographs. General Taurin bowed and stepped back out of the field.

"Thanks, General," Shepard said.

A brief nod and he left out through the war room. There was a lot of catching up for him to do and some of that no doubt included sleep.

"Spectre." Councilor Mason's lips were drawn tight. "This news about Anchor is very upsetting."

"That is System Alliance business, Mason," Sparatus said.

"I know." Mason turned on him. "Admiral Wilson will be very upset about this. To have Anchor handcuffed under watch. It seems extreme, Shepard."

Sparatus snorted and turned leaving the quantum field. Ish followed suit.

Councilor Tevos hesitated. "This is certainly a serious internal matters for the Alliance, Councilor Mason. We understand this is the only method to communicate with Commander Shepard for many weeks."

"Four weeks," Councilor Mason said.

"The Council will permit the Systems Alliance to use the transmitter for communicating with Commander Shepard until she reaches regular comm space."

Councilor Mason raised his eyebrows with a growing smile. "Thank you, Councilor. This is a generous suggestion. The Alliance will be selective in using it I will make sure. This is a serious matter to resolve, Shepard."

Tevos bowed her head at them and receded from the feed. Mason was the only one left.

"I will inform Alliance leadership. This matter can be dealt with quietly and privately. Admiral Wilson will no doubt want to speak with you."

"I understand," Shepard said resignedly. "Thank you, Councilor."

"Thank you, Shepard. Saving Taurin and his men will be welcome news to the turiens. The retrieval of the Mass Effect shard alone is a hug victory. Well done, Spectre."

Shepard tripped as she backed off the QEC platform. She never thought she'd hear that from a Councilor. Maybe there was hope, but then she thought darkly of Admiral Wilson. That was going to be a lot less warming.

X

"Much better, Shepard."

Dr. Chakwas thumbed through the brain scan reports on her Omni-Tool. The headaches and dizziness had subsided. Whatever she'd started by using her biotics, it was finally settling down. Her legs were finally healed and steady again too.

Shepard crossed her ankles as they hung off the metal table. "I think you were on to something about the more sleep, minimizing light, and activity."

Dr. Chakwas set the datapad down on the counter and walked back to her desk. "Guess that's why they graduated me from medical school."

Shepard sat silently watching the back of Dr. Chakwas's head as she brought up her terminal's holoscreen and flipped through image reports. They hadn't talked much since the day Shepard stormed into the med bay for medicine. She could charge head first into battle head held high, but returning to the med bay after their last encounter, had made her put drag her feet. Finally, she hopped off the bed and walked over to the desk.

"I'm sorry," she said simply coming around the front of the desk. "You've been doing a lot for me. I was off base steamrolling you like that."

Dr. Chakwas met Shepard's eye. She stood up from her chair and pulled Shepard into a hug. Shepard's spine straightened rigidly. Hesitantly, she gave Dr. Chakwas's back a pat. It was strange. Since her parents died on Mindoir, she'd lived a mostly untethered life in the military. She rarely hugged anyone her whole life until these last few years. Certainly, for most people, it was just a part of life, the meaning very small.

Dr. Chakwas pulled away and patted Shepard's shoulder. "I didn't learn that at medical school, but I think it's important nonetheless. I know you're going through a hard time."

Shepard frowned. "No, I'm fine. Really."

Dr. Chakwas nodded slowly. "Okay, Shepard. You need someone to talk to someone though, I'm here."

Shepard backed up with a weak smile. "My biotics will be sorted out. Miranda'll know what to do."

Dr. Chakwas held her eye with a flat expression. Shepard turned and took a step.

"Kaidan's headaches get bad."

Shepard paused.

"Spent a lot of time with him. Here. Doing for him what I did for you. Same meds, same advice."

Shepard turned slowly.

"On our ten month return cruise, not much I could do for him then. Supplies were thin, but it wouldn't have mattered. What makes you sick can go deeper than flesh and blood."

Their eyes met. The air balled up in her throat. It felt like breathing water. She'd gotten up too fast or taken the pills too close together maybe.

"If it wasn't for all of this, everything's that's happened, what would you really want, Shepard?"

Shepard froze to her core. Her heart pound in ears as she stared at Dr. Chakwas.

Dr. Chakwas's brow creased. "All right, Shepard?"

Shepard forced a nod and stumbled backward to the door. She spun around, her breathing fast and sharp.

"Come talk to me if you need anything," Dr. Chakwas said.

Shepard bolted through the door. She brushed past some crewmen and saluted back with a snap as she rushed to the elevator. She wrapped her arms around her middle watching the numbers tick down before the doors slid open. She bolted inside and jammed the button for her cabin.

Her face burned as she tumbled through the cabin's sliding doors pressing the back of her hand to her mouth. Her teeth cut into her knuckles as her lips pulled back, and she hunched over. The doors clicked shut behind her. She dropped to the floor. She scooted back against the wall and wrapped her arms around her legs. She buried her face in her knees and focus on breathing. Her ribs constricted forcing each breath to be shallower and faster. Her breathing hitched. Damnit, no - she felt it, the wet stickiness against her face. Damp fabric stuck to her knee, and she lifted her head with a ragged gasp. Damnit, this wasn't happening. She ground an arm across her face and smothered the serration of each breath in an elbow. She sniffed. Her nose was even running, damnit.

"What would you want, Shepard, if not for all of this?"

She shuddered, and her face fell back onto the damp patch on her knees. Her lips drew back, teeth pressing into her knees, mouth-breathing wet drags of air. She squeezed her eyes shut against it, but she could already see it rising up around her - the fireplace dancing the room in flames, skycars passing outside the blinds, the citadel's lights faded into night cycle, and Kaidan. They'd dragged the couch up to the fireplace in Anderson's apartment, the last time she'd been there, the last time she'd ever be there.

"What would you want, Shepard, if not for all of this?"

She lay on the couch, head resting on his lap, and looked up with a quirked eyebrow. "All of what?"

"The war, all this death, always on the verge of losing everything."

Shepard gave a slight shrug resting against his legs and looked back at the fire. "I suppose I always thought I'd have what everyone has." A smile lifted the corners of her mouth, and she glanced up at him again. "You know, 'The Life,' the white picket fence. Find someone to come home to who's wearing an apron and pulling meatloaf out of the oven as our 2.5 kids knock over lamps getting to the dinner table."

"An apron and meatloaf? I'm not making meatloaf."

"You, huh?" Shepard smirked up at him.

He bit his bottom lip with a frown. Shepard felt a sharp pang as he looked away.

"Maybe I shouldn't – I just thought …" he said.

"No, it's you." Shepard shot out and grabbed his hand by her shoulder. "I'd want it to be you." She interlaced their fingers, and he looked down at her with a soft look but no smile.

"What about you? What would you want if not for all this?"

"Me?" He shifted against the couch. The firelight rippled across his features and caught in his eyes as they drifted to the moving flames. "Just normal things. Things like this."

"So, in other words, you don't know what you'd want."

"What?" He frowned down on her. "Why'd you think that?"

"You're so vague. I at least had a storyline going, even if you protested wearing an apron and baking meatloaf."

A grin tugged at his lips. He sighed and slouched back more on the couch. "Fine. You know what I'd want? I want moments like this, but I'd want them all with you. I'd want a house on the Pacific. I'd want to finish dinner and drink wine on our veranda overlooking the ocean. Then we'd roll up our pant legs and walk in the sand by the surf. Everything would be red from the sunset, and I'd hold your hand. Our feet would be cold and our faces chapped from the wind, and I'd kiss you and tell you I love you like I would every day. I'd tell it to you feeling lucky knowing I'd say it on the next day and the day after that, not just because it's the last thing I want to have said to you."

Shepard's eyes darted away. She swallowed dryly, and her voice was a little raspy until she cleared it. "Pretty tame fantasy there, Kaidan. Just hand holding and kissing, huh?"

"Oh." His smile turned up softly on his lips, and he brushed down pieces of hair by her face with his free hand. "Didn't know you wanted the director's cut."

"I don't want the censored edition."

She forced a smile and tried to pull it wider as he looked down at her. His eyes studied hers with a growing grin. He smoothed the hair from her temple behind her ear and then drew his arm to the back of the couch.

"All right." The grin grew wider. "After the credits, if you're still watching and you're over seventeen or with an adult guardian – the sunset fade over the ocean. We tear off all our clothes –"

"I want to tear yours off."

"Okay," he allowed with a smirk down at her and nodded. "You tear my clothes off. Buttons spray everywhere. It sends some seagulls off squawking. Then, we run into the surf. We swim out. I splash you with my biotics, and you dunk me with yours. And, since this is supposed to be real events, you dunk me a little too thoroughly. I stumble out of the water choking and gagging up water. You feel kinda bad and come rushing over kicking water around your legs. I'd have really swallowed water, don't get me wrong, but maybe I was exaggerating a little. You'd come over a little guilty, and I'd catch you."

"Now's the racy part." Shepard grinned. "Please continue."

"But, we're cold. It's the Pacific, the sun's down. We race each back to the house following the footprints we left an hour earlier."

"Teasing your audience." Shepard clicked her tongue. "At least say we didn't put our clothes back on."

"Of course not. We never liked those clothes anyway, and mine are shredded. We leave them to the seagulls."

"Please tell me there's a seagull that shows up later with your underwear around its neck."

"It's your underwear, and the seagull's wearing it."

"Spoilers."

"You asked."

"Okay. Unpause. Naked, running back to the house …"

"Right. We're cold and sticky from the sea salt. We tumble into the shower and turn it up as hot as we can stand until it burns our skin."

"That the only heat being turned up?"

Kaidan chuckled and dropped his hand to her hair again. "Then, we make love."

"Finally. Not nearly graphic enough for all the buildup, but I see you're going more for decorum than gratuitous spectacle."

He rested his arm across the back of the couch and shrugged.

"Maybe I'll get into the specific later. Easier if you can visualize them."

"Oh. So, a live action performance?"

"Right, and I'll need a volunteer from the audience."

"I didn't realize there was going to be an audience. This is kinkier than I thought."

"Just you, me, and the seagull wearing your underwear."

"Ooh. You are a deviant." Shepard gazed up at him. "What then? Fade to black as we break out the shampoo and luffa? Too boring for broadcast."

The grin was soft, and he lifted his fingers out from hers and touched the side of her face. His eyes followed his thumb as it ran over her cheekbone, and his smile tightened deeper into his cheeks. His eyes moved to hers.

"We'd fall into bed then. Our bed. The one we've slept in too many nights to count. Our skin's warm and pink from the shower, and we'd leave the window open. I'd listen to your breathing as it slowed and deepened smelling the shampoo in your damp hair. The cool ocean air would stir the curtains in the moonlight, and I'd watch the breeze move stray hairs across your forehead. And I'd think, I'm the luckiest man alive."

The lump rose in her throat again, and she turned her face back to the fire. She focused on her breathing, interlocking her hands across her middle, and stared into the flames.

"I would have liked that," she said.

Her hand strayed to her pocket with a wet exhale. She paused and ripped her hand away. She flew to her feet, heart pounding, and pressed her lips so tight they hurt. Deep, clenching breaths tightened her jaw, and she finally jammed shaky fingers into her pocket and dug around in the lining. She drew out the button. She squeezed her palm around it and twisted her head looking over the room. Anywhere here, and she'd just find it again.

She punched opened the cabin door and burst onto the elevator landing. She twisted around before her eyes fell to the grate below her feet. Machinery and darkness churned below the metal grid. She fell to her knees and pressed the button to a slot in the grate. Mechanical systems hummed in her ears under the slow whoosh of the ship's FLT. Shepard closed her eyes, taking a deep breath, and opened her fingers. The button twanged, metal hitting metal, and ricocheted into the depths.

Shepard shoved herself up on wobbly arms. She checked her breath, turning to the wall, and pressing her forehead against its cool surface. She glanced at the cabin door to the side. No, she didn't want to go back in there. Not for a while. She'd come back when she was so tired she had to crawl to the door. She punched the elevator button and tugged on her uniform straightening her spine. She had things to get done rather than just wallowing here over memories.