Chapter 29
"So, Earth's relay is nearly complete?" General Taurin leaned back on the couch in Shepard's room.
"The Arcturus relays are ongoing too. It'll be several months before the relays between Earth and Palavan are restored for the return trip."
"So much has happened. All that time, like primitives, we were just guessing at the outcome. The energy wave came through. Saw the geth ships go offline, drift, no answer. We knew something had happened. Trying to repair our ship from that Cerberus base attack was chaotic. Miracle we made it to a planet and lived."
Shepard put her elbow on the back of the couch and rested her temple against her fist. She stared at the wall. It had been a while since the geth crossed her mind. It was a relief and swell of guilt all at once.
"The geth," Shepard said suddenly. "They were all destroyed by the burst."
"All of them?" Taurin said. "You mean it? All the geth with the Migrant Fleet?"
"Yes. Every last geth."
"If the communication is down in most systems, how can we know?"
Shepard pressed her temple harder against her fist. She could say ships that came to Earth brought word, which was true, but they could have only come from nearby star systems. They couldn't say they knew about the other side of the galaxy. No one could, except for her.
"I activated the crucible. Virtual life was destroyed," Shepard said finally.
Taurin sat quietly holding her eyes. "You were on the crucible? Truly?"
"Yes."
Taurin seemed to be processing it.
"It must be a lot to have seen," he said. "I still … I can't believe it. Were there others on the crucible?"
"Some others, yes. But they died. The Illusive Man …"
"He was there? So, he turned in the end. Joined us against the reapers?"
Shepard paused thinking and then said slowly, "In the end … ultimately."
Shepard could see Anderson's eyes as the Illusive Man shot himself. Yes, in the end, he made the right choice or had wanted to. He'd been indoctrinated, but he'd also been right. What he wanted, what Saren wanted, those things had been possible. But, there were no take backs, only going forward on the decisions you'd already made.
"It must be difficult," Taurin said quietly.
"No, no." Shepard straightened up on the couch and made her voice sound more sure. "It happened. I don't deny …"
She stopped. She was denying it though.
"I …"
Taurin waved it off. "I understand. I can't imagine it. The things you see at war, you either bury or come to terms with it. It can take a while deciding which way lets you forward. For me, I couldn't move forward until the past wasn't holding me back." He cleared his throat. "But, that's me. We, soldiers, go through a lot, Commander."
"Yes," Shepard tried to smile, but for a moment in front of her, she could only see the crucible's ramps splitting three ways. Three choices but only one chance to make one choice.
X
Shepard walked softly up behind Joker. He flinched and glanced back at her.
"Geezz, Commander! Sneaking up on your pilot with brittle bones. Seeing how many you can break with a good scare?"
"Joker." Shepard squatted down.
The quiet hum of engines filled the cockpit. Michael was gone. It was night shift, he was probably sleeping. Joker caught her hunching down and swiveled his seat to face her.
"What's up, Commander?"
"I want to talk to you."
Joker rested his head back against the headrest and looked off.
"Sneaking up on me wasn't satisfying enough?"
"Hey."
Shepard waited until Joker's hooded eyes met hers. He had a pressed smile.
"Fine," he sighed.
"I want to tell you what happened on the crucible."
Joker blinked at her. His eyes narrowed on her, and he pushed up on the armrests to get higher in his chair. His eyes scanned around them.
"What do you mean?"
"On the crucible, the Illusive Man shot himself. Anderson was shot. He died as we watched the citadel open for the crucible."
Joker fidgeted in his chair. "Why are you telling me this?"
"After the crucible connected to the citadel, nothing happened. I was dying. Thought I was dying." Shepard looked down. She saw her hand pulling away from her side covered in blood. She looked back up at Joker. "I was given a choice. I could do nothing. Or I could act, but I had to decide. The catalyst talked to me."
"The catalyst talked?"
"It was an entity itself stretching back before the reapers. Before the cycles."
"Shepard." Joker leaned an elbow on the armrest and rubbed the back of a finger against his lips. "I don't … Why are you telling me this? I've never heard this before."
"Because I've never told it before."
Joker dropped his hand and looked her in the face finally. His mouth tightened.
"Okay," he said.
Shepard held a breath for a moment then continued. "The catalyst let me decide. There were choices. Impossible choices. Things you wouldn't think possible. Some of the choices promised a better future, but maybe a worse one. I don't know. I'll never know. Because I didn't choose those options."
Shepard licked her lips and met Joker's eye. "I chose a different option. To destroy synthetic life – the reapers, the geth … EDI. I saved all organic life at the cost of every synthetic life."
Joker's face watched her fixed and unblinking.
Shepard swallowed. "I knew what would happen. It wasn't a surprise, and I knew it would sweep the galaxy, touch everything. I made the choice for everyone. A choice to obliterate one form of life to save my own."
Joker rubbed his chin with a face flat and unreadable. They held each other's eyes in silence for a time. Shepard stood up. She gave a quick nod, turned, and strode down the gangway.