Enjoy

Sins of the Father

Chapter 11

Christian, You ARE the Father

Christian's POV

I spend all morning in my apartment consuming the updated background check I had Welch do on Leila along with a bottle of bourbon.

Jesus, what a mess her life was.

In and out of emergency rooms for various physical injuries and one previous drug overdose that may have been an attempted suicide. All while caring for a young boy. I'm surprised he wasn't taken away from her. I don't know if I want to be happy or sad he slipped through the cracks.

There is a record of her giving birth to a him at the county hospital but no follow up visits.

There is no medical record for the boy at all. I hope she went to free clinics for his care. Usually those places don't keep computerized records. I would hate to think that he's been growing up from birth until now without all the necessary checkups. I throw the file down on the sofa next to me and wonder over to the windows, looking out over the Manhattan skyline city.

It doesn't escape me that Ana is right across the city but she may as well still be on the other side of the country for all the good its doing me.

I know she hasn't returned to her apartment. She's probably staying with that Barrington fucker that's been after her since the day he almost ran her over with his car.

When I saw the pictures of that shit, I nearly hopped a plane to come drag her back to Seattle. Good thing cooler heads prevailed. I wasn't in the right headspace to see her back then. Hell, I barely got myself in the right headspace to see her yesterday.

If I didn't spend the time before I left in the playroom working out some pent up energy, I wouldn't have been able to deal with that shit she and her boss sprung on me.

A fucking son. My namesake, no less.

Not only is he possibly mine, but he is with Ana right now. The fact that she is taking care of him is the only thing that's keeping me sane. I couldn't imagine finding this shit out and have him be with anyone else while we confirm his paternity. Especially Leila.

Fucking Leila. I can't believe she would keep this shit from me.

Maybe she didn't tell me because he's not mine.

But Fuck, the timeline matches up.

Leila would have been pregnant about the time she began stalking Ana.

Images of her flash in my mind. How distraught she was. How desperate to be dominated so that she wouldn't have to be in control anymore. I thought it was all because she'd lost that asshole she'd fallen in love with. Could it have been because of the pregnancy and she was scared to tell anyone.

I bathed her. I fed her. I took care of her. She never said a fucking word.

Goddamnit, why didn't she say anything?

I called Flynn last night and chewed him a new ass asking if he knew about this shit. I know all too well about patient/ client confidentiality, but if that asshole sat on this shit for five fucking years and didn't say a word to be, I was going to kill him. Good thing for him he told me that once she was admitted to the psych facility for her three-day hold, she was no longer under his care.

Of course, the asshole wanted to counsel me on the possibility of this boy being my son.

"Christian, being a father isn't in any man's nature. It is a behavior that is learned. It's on the job training through repeated trial and error."

"Yeah for normal men maybe. But this is me you're talking to. How can I be a father to this kid, John? I'm too fucked up. You already know this. All I'm going to do is fuck him up. Kids need love. I am incapable of that. How can I be a father when I can't even fucking love? I don't know how to be a goddamn father "

"I hate to break it to you, Christian, but no one knows how. We just get in there and do the best we can. If what you're telling me about this child is true then he has a hell of an uphill battle he's facing. He has a lot to overcome, but the one thing he has in his favor right now is you."

"How could I be in his favor, John? I am fucked up."

"Who better to relate to him than you? You are not only his father, who he will look to for guidance, but you know firsthand of the issues he faces from all he's been through. Imagine how different things would have been for you if you had a person like you in your life. Your family loves you, but they can't relate to you on a level that you need. Grace and Carrick couldn't relate to you on a level you needed growing up. It left you feeling inadequate. If you are this child's father, your role is clear. You just need to step into it. And trust yourself. Because you are normal, Christian. Your sex life doesn't define the man you are. Neither should your first four years of life. And you are far more capable then you realize."

"What if I fuck it up?"

"No doubt you will. More than once. But so does every other daddy."

"I'm not a fucking daddy."

"Tell me that after you first see him."

"Seeing him won't change a damn thing."

He laughs.

"Keep in touch."

"Fuck you, John,"

"Sir," Taylor interrupts my thoughts. "We need to leave for your lab appointment."

"Thanks, Taylor," I tell him looking at the time on my phone. "Bourbon won't have any bearings on the paternity results, will it?"

"No, Sir," Taylor assures me. "I'm sure if it did there would be a lot of drunk men lined up to take them."

I roll my eyes at him. Before going to freshen up and brush my teeth.

"Let's get it over with it," I tell him.

We make the drive over to the diagnostic lab my lawyers agreed would be sufficient enough to do the test.

I don't know why I had to come all the way down here for a goddamn cheek swab. You'd think they could do this shit as part of some home service.

"Christian Grey. Here for my appointment," I tell the nurse at the desk.

"Christian," I hear Ana's, voice behind me and I turn around.

"Ana, what are you doing here?"

"Paternity test," she says.

They scheduled them at same time.

"You have got to be fucking kidding me," I yell at her, raking my hand through my hair. Its only then do I notice the little hand in hers. I follow the arm attached to the hand, craning my neck, trying to see who it belongs to but he is tucked safely behind her.

He comes out for just a peek under the protective wing of her arm. He sees me eyeing him so he ducks behind her again.

Clearly wanting nothing to do with me, I go and find a chair to sit in.

Ana checks him in then leads him over to a chair a little ways away from mine. He sits still easily enough, but there isn't much to distract us being the only ones here. Ana is doing her best to act normal for the boy, but she is nervous. I can tell by the way she's gnawing at her bottom lip.

Apparently, me being here at the same time is a surprise to her as well.

I feel little eyes on me and I glance up only to scare him. I watch as he shrinks close to Ana. I try not to look at him so that he can look back at me but I can't help myself.

Every time I feel his eyes bearing into me, I look up. And every time I look up, he shrinks closer to Ana.

In the little glances I get of him, I can see why she thinks the way she does because fuck me, she wasn't kidding. He is every bit my twin.

I am doing my best not to freak out right here in this damn waiting room.

It's not every day a man gets to see a living version of himself at age 5. Shit, if Grace was here right now, she'd probably have a heart attack from joy.

I feel his eyes on me again. He is starting to get bored which is making him bolder in his staring.

Think Grey. Think.

I pull out my iPad and search the internet.

What the hell was I into at his age?

I type in construction trucks for kids and come across something called Mighty Machines.

Perfect. This was the type of shit Elliot and I used to watch as little kids.

I que a video and turn up the volume just in time for a huge dump truck to come zooming past the scene, blowing its horn.

The sound gets his attention and he is all ears listening to the engines and activity of all the trucks in the construction site.

Now that I got his attention, I fake interest in what's happening in the screen. I even go so far as to laugh which shocks the shit out of Ana. I want to roll my eyes at her but that would be counterproductive right now.

I don't know why getting this kid's attention is so important to me, but damnit it is. I know very well, I could just go over to him. But that would only prove to scare him.

The way he is clinging to Ana lets me know he is pretty scared enough as it is. I don't know if it's me or being in this lab that's got him so timid, but I don't want to add to it, that's for fucking sure.

His interest is completely peaked now. I could just walk over there with the iPad, but I want him to come over here on his own.

Why the fuck do I care so much about this boy trusting me enough to walk over here to me is confusing the hell out of me, but it's what I want.

So, I continue to laugh at this fucking video like it's going out of style.

I feel his eyes on me again. I hold the iPad up to him, showing him the screen, but he can't see it from where he sits.

"You want to go see it," Ana asks him and he nods. "It's okay. Go on. He'll let you watch it."

With gentle prodding from Ana, he gets up out of his seat. I can see how thin he is. Much too thin for his age. Fuck, he wasn't getting enough food.

Ana is feeding him now. You know that she is.

He comes halfway to me then stops, he takes a step back and I realize that the intensity of what I was thinking must show on my face, so I smile. I smile so fucking wide it hurts. These aren't muscles I use very often.

He closes the distance it takes to reach out a hand and grab the iPad from me before running back to Ana with it.

She does her best to hide her laugh as he settles himself back down next to her to watch it.

Well played.

I actually find myself feeling proud of him before I shake that shit off. He's not mine to be proud of. Just because he looks like me doesn't mean shit.

Fuck this shit. I have better things to do then play around with some boy.

Just when I 'm done thinking that thought, he smiles over at me.

Something he saw made him laugh and he looked up at me like he thought I would laugh too if I'd seen it. The walls are starting to close in on me in the large waiting room. Its suddenly too big for me and the five-year-old ghost version of me I'm clearly sharing an experience with.

Jesus, it's like I've time travelled and I'm looking at myself sitting next to a younger Grace. I need to get out of here before I lose my shit.

"Christian Grey," my name is finally called and thank fuck it's just in time. I rush through the door to the back of the lab, breathing easier from the respite for the moment.

Twenty minutes later, my mouth has been thoroughly swabbed and I've been given my copy of all the bullshit paperwork they made me sign. I walk right back into the waiting room and right into Ana.

"Hey," she says. "How did it go?"

"Not too bad," I tell her. "As well as could be expected. The results will be in about two business days from now."

My eyes fall on the chair that sits the boy, still playing with my iPad. She follows my stare.

"He wanted to wait and have his test after he gave it back to you," she explains. "He was afraid you wouldn't know to get it back from the desk nurse."

I had forgotten all about the damn thing.

"He can keep it."

"No, Christian. Let him give it back to you. It's important to him," she tells me. I look at her. "Go on. He's waiting for you."

I shake my head to myself for needing Ana to gently prod me this time. What a pair me and this kid will make if he's mine.

Get it together Grey. You've brought down the most cutthroat of businessmen. Surely you can engage with a five-year-old boy whose more scared of you than you are of him.

That's what tell myself but all that shit goes right out the window when I get close to him.

"Christian," I call his name a bit too sternly, only because it sounds weird saying my own damn name to someone else.

He looks up at me with fear in his eyes. He is a second away from bolting to Ana but I quickly change my approach, giving him the smile I gave before. This smile always warmed Ana up to me, for completely different reasons, of course but I hope it works to warm him to me as well. Shit, I haven't used it since she left.

He waves a hand hello to me. I guess me smiling at him like an idiot makes him feel a little better about me.

"Can I sit down," I ask him and he nods his head.

Not much of a talker. Neither was I at his age. But mine came from being traumatized. Shit, is he traumatized.

Being this close I finally get a chance to study him, but I do so discreetly.

He looks at me and I realize I'm also being studied. I'm sure he can see our resemblance. His gray eyes widened at me in awe.

"You my Daddy," he asked in a small voice.

I breathe a sigh of relief when I hear it. Thanking God, he's not that traumatized. But I can see fading bruises on his arms that look like fingers and my blood is boiling over. I do my damndest not to show it. I don't want to frighten him as he looks at me.

Those are my mother's eyes staring at me. The only thing she ever gave me.

His copper colored hair is a little too long on top of his head and it's in an unruly mess. My hair.

His little hands. His nose. The way that his forehead is furrowed now that he's thinking. All mine. I gave them to him, along with his fucked up start in life.

I wasn't there to protect him from whoever gave him those bruises. That's a mistake that ends today.

"Yes, Christian. I am your Daddy," I tell him.

I don't need two days to tell me. I already know he's mine. He's mine and no one else will ever lay a hand on him again. Never will he go hungry. Never will he be afraid. He will be cared for.

I still don't know if I can love him, but he will have love. He'll have Grace and Carrick, Mia and Elliot, they will give him the love that I can't and I will care for him.

"Kay," he says and my forced smile becomes all too genuine. I am amused at that little phrase.

He's not at all surprised by my admission. He must be a smart kid because I think he figured this shit out long before I did.

Ana on the other hand looks like she's about to faint.

I'm sure my 180 has her head spinning. It took her calling me three times on the phone last night to get me to even promise to come down here to take the test today. Now, here I am after less than an hour of seeing him, I'm telling him I'm his daddy.

His Daddy. FUCK.

"Mommy said you were nicest to her. Not like the other daddies," he says. I am completely caught off guard. What the fuck does he mean other daddies?

"Um, Christian, they are waiting for us inside," Ana tells him. She looks at me to see if I'm okay. It's clear to her I'm not but there isn't much we can say about it right now. "Give him back his iPad."

He hands it to me. My fingers brush up against his when I take it from him and I feel a jolt of familiarity from it.

"Does it hurt," he asks me of the test.

"No," I whisper before I find my voice. "It's just a little piece of cotton on the inside of your cheek."

I almost want to tell Ana to forget the whole thing. No need to put him through it, but legally we need to have this done.

"You promise?"

"I promise."

"Kay," he says, getting up to take Ana's hand.

"We need to talk," I whisper to her, rising up out of my seat.

"I know," she says, walking away.

They make it to the door when Christian pulls away from her to come back to where I'm still standing.

I bend down to meet him.

For an instant, panic sets in. The vulnerable position I'm now in gives him total access to my chest should he decide to run into me. Luckily, he stops short, keeping a safe distance away.

"Hunt said real daddies are nice," he tells me.

I look up at Ana, not at all pleased that this Hunter Barrington fucker is spending time with my son.

Smile Grey. Smile.

"Well, Hunt is right. Real daddies are nice," I tell him.

I hold out my fist to him. Getting what I mean, he immediately daps it with his own. He opens his hand with a little explosion noise that I wasn't expecting, but I'll be sure to remember to do it next time.

I watch as he runs back to Ana who, like me is wondering what the fuck just happened to me in this past hour.

I can't begin to figure it out. But I need to call that asshole of a therapist of mine and ask him how the fuck did he know it would only take me looking at Christian to feel like his daddy.

Author's Note:

Oh I wish it could stay sunshine and lollipops for our little guy. But at least now all the players are in the game for him.

Thank you for reading and reviewing.