*WARNING*

This chapter makes references to a miscarriage and suicide attempt. If you are sensible to this themes please do not read.

Coming Home

Chapter Ten: The Letter

"Peeta:

I don't know how many times I have started writing this letter. I have the floor full of crumpled sheets of paper. I didn't even know how to address you. I tried with "My love" and "My Peeta", but it didn't seem right after everything that has happened. So I settled for simply, "Peeta". You'll ask why I came back now, after so much time, and what I was doing. The answer is that I could not keep waiting while there was a minimal possibility of being able to amend my mistakes with you. I know that it is not fair for you, that I suddenly appear out of nowhere, when you have already been able to move on with your life, and that you have other priorities and responsibilities. But I can't keep on living with the burden of never having told you the truth of why I hurt you the way I did, and to ask for your forgiveness. And if there is in your heart the smallest of chance, I would like to be able to at least be friends again, because you don't know how much I missed you, because above everything, you were always my best friend."

I felt my eyes watering, so I took a long breath to compose myself and continue reading the long letter.

"Five years ago, I made a huge mistake, one that cost me much more than you could imagine; one that marked my life forever. You know that from the beginning of our relationship, there were people against it, and they were set on taking me out of your life by any means. Two days after Prom, I was confronted with a story that I didn't know how to handle. It was something so terrible that it destroyed me inside, and I knew that it would destroy you too. So I made the terrible mistake of not trusting you, of not telling you what was really happening. If I had done the right thing, maybe at that moment, the whole truth would have been discovered quickly, and it would have saved us years of suffering. But I wasn't mature or brave enough to face it, and in my stupid mind, I decided to lie to you too, because I thought it would hurt you less to not find out about the horrible things they told me, because the person who told me those things, meant the world to you, and I could never forgive myself that because of me you got to hate the woman who gave you life. She might have hated me, but you were precious to her, and she adored you with all her being. I never understood why she couldn't stand me, I did everything I could to try to earn her affection and sympathy, but it seemed that the more I tried, the more she hated me.

That night, after you drop me at my house, she appeared at my door, and handed me a sealed envelope from a laboratory. When I opened it I could not understand what it said. It was a paternity test that established that Graham Mellark, your father, was my true biological father. I threw the papers to your mother, and I told her that she was sick just to imply that you and I could ever be related. But she insisted that it was true, that my mother had wanted to interfere between her and her husband even knowing that she was pregnant, and she only ran away with my father because of the shame that her parents had disowned her because she had gotten pregnant on purpose with a married man, so that he would leave his wife. I couldn't believe what she was saying, and I kicked her out of my uncle's house. That night I went to Haymitch's bar. He was drunk, as always, but I asked him if the story of my mother and your father was true, and he confirmed it to me. He even told me about the rumors that the baby my mother was expecting was your father's; I felt my heart ripped apart, but that day I understood her hatred towards me. Because of my mother. Because she knew I was the daughter of the woman who, eighteen years prior, rivaled her for your father's affection. She was never the most affectionate mother with me, my dad was the one who always spoiled me. And I always heard the rumors that my mother had only married my father out of obligation, but I never thought that she would have been capable to attribute to him the daughter of another man. Even my features are so similar to my father's that I would never have believed it, but then I remembered your grandma Mags. And I saw a lot of pain in your mother's face. She really thought it was true, and she just wanted to protect you. That's why she asked me, she begged me not to tell you. Because she couldn't bear the thought of seeing her son destroyed, thinking he had slept with his own sister. And neither could I. That would be a burden that I would carry alone. So, with my heart broken in a million pieces, I did as she asked, and dumped you with a silly excuse. But you didn't give up on me; you never accepted or believed what I told you. So I had no choice but to make you hate me, to force you to get away from me. I was so selfish in my attempt to make you believe I didn't love you, that I almost cost Gale his relationship with Madge. I would not have forgiven myself if Gale lost the love of his life because of me. But she finally understood, although reluctantly; she never approved what we did. She said you deserved to know the truth, but it was not her decision to make. Now, I know I should have listened to her. I felt devastated, seeing you every day in the school corridors, doing your best to ignore my existence. And at the time, I thought that it was the best, but the pain and disappointment in your eyes every time our glances met felt like a stab in the heart. I cried every night for you. My uncle Haymitch didn't understand why we had broken up; I never told him what was happening. To think that he would also despise me if he found out about my mother's alleged deceit, then I would be completely alone, I was terrified."

I closed my eyes remembering those dark days. How confused I was when she dumped me saying that she wasn't ready for a long term commitment, the betrayal of seeing her kissing Gale, how much hatred I felt for him, because, although she was the one hurting me, I could never feel anything else but love for her. And that was what ate my guts; that no matter how much I wanted or tried, I couldn't hate her or take her out of my system. That's why I took her out of all my contacts, changed my number and blocked her from my social networks. Because if I kept having contact with her, I would never be able to move on. In the end it was useless, because, although I started dating again, in four years I was never able to commit into a serious relationship with any other girl, settling for just hooking up occasionally. And I met some really nice girls who really liked me, like Cressida and even Glimmer. But Katniss was always in the back of my mind, and I felt pathetic every day for not being able to forget her. But now, reading this, this could change everything. So I sank further in my couch and continued.

"I fled to France as soon as summer ended. The weeks before my trip, I hadn't been feeling good, but I attributed it to the stress I was in, the anxiety for the trip and especially the pain of thinking that you despised me for what I did to you. But that day everything exploded. I had horrible cramps during the flight, and I felt nauseated and dizzy. I thought it was the nerves and the sadness, but when I arrived, I had a severe hemorrhage at the airport and I passed out. They rushed me to a hospital in Paris, when I woke up hours later, they told me that I had suffer a miscarriage. My world collapsed completely in that moment. I didn't even know that I was pregnant."

I felt a punch in my guts. Although Gale had already told me about the pregnancy, reading it from her own hand made it real. I frowned my eyes and took deep breaths trying to control myself, but when I opened them, the tears began to flow uncontrollably at the loss of the baby, my baby, our baby.

"Gale stood by my side for a few days. It took a lot of work, but I managed to convince him to go to London —I wasn't going to cost him the chance to achieve his dreams— so I told him that the hospital contacted Haymitch and he was going to come for me. The next day, I left the hospital decided to forget everything, and arrived to the apartment my scholarship provided. There I met my roommate, Johanna Mason. She was a sophomore from Panem's District Seven. For several weeks I managed to build walls around me so nothing could affect me. I wanted to forget everything and start a new life, but a severe depression made me lose my mind. Although I never knew I was pregnant until I had the miscarriage, I felt robbed. And, while it is true that I felt some relief knowing that you would never know that you would have a child born of incest, having lost the last piece that I have left from you destroyed me. I would have loved that baby with every fiber of my being, no matter how it had been conceived. Because, moral or not, what we did was an act of pure love, not just teenage lust. But I wasn't strong enough, and I lost it. I didn't want to live anymore, and I took an overdose of antidepressants. If Jo hadn't found me when she did, right now I would be dead."

"No!" I shouted without being able to control myself anymore. I got up abruptly from the sofa and began to walk like crazy all over the room, holding my hair and shaking my head in negation. "No Katniss no!"

How could she have ever thought that she was guilty of the loss of our baby, when the stress that she had endured completely alone for three months was surely what caused the miscarriage! Now I could never forgive my mother, the Cartwrights or anyone else who had anything to do with this. They were the real culprits of the loss of the baby. If Katniss had been successful in her attempt to take her own life, I would not have been able to stand it. I would be mad, right now. At that moment, more than ever, I was determined to reopen the criminal case along with Gale. I was going to take this to the ultimate consequences.

"Peeta, are you okay?" My sister's sweet and worried voice was heard from the landing of the stairs. I lowered my head and sighed. I didn't want Prim to see me like that. So I tried my best to compose myself.

"I'm sorry I woke you up little one, I'm fine, just a little startled, don't worry, it's nothing, go back to bed." I said looking at her.

"You're reading the letter, right?"

I didn't answer. Prim was definitely no longer a little girl.

"You know I'm here for you, anything you need. I love you bro-dad."

She always managed to make me smile, no matter how bad I felt. My sister was really the most pure beacon of light. So I went up the stairs to meet her and we melt in a hug.

"I love you too squirt." I said kissing her head. "Thanks for being you. Go back to sleep. I'll be fine."

She nodded and went back to her room. When I heard her door close, I walked to the kitchen, took a bottle of water and sat on a stool to continue reading.

"I spent eighteen months in a mental hospital in Paris" —another punch in the gut— "I almost lost my scholarship, but Johanna was very supportive, and she helped me to keep it. She and her boyfriend Cato never left me alone. They even sat down in the computer to write Haymitch in my name, so he would never know what had happened. They are two characters, they fight all the time, but they love each other fiercely, even with his powerful family's disapproval. When I left the hospital, I returned to the apartment and to school, and tried to get back on track with my classes. The timing couldn't have being better, because Gale came to Paris during Spring Break looking for me. He spent two years without any knowledge from me. But I still didn't tell him. After he left, I tried to know about you, but you had changed your number and blocked me from all your accounts. So Jo made some inquiries and we learned that you had gone to study art at Capitol University. She located some friends she had there and she told me that, according to them, you were dating a girl named Glimmer. I tried to feel happy that you were doing what you loved, but it broke my heart to know that you were moving on, and had forgotten me, even though I thought it was the right thing. So I tried to do the same, went out with a guy a few times, but I just couldn't, it never felt right. About a year and a half ago, I received a call from Gale. He told me that he had started working with you father, and that he wanted to talk with me. I panicked, but he gave Graham the phone before I could say anything. He said that he had discovered the real reason why I dumped you. He told me that everything had been a big lie, and that his wife had also been deceived, although that didn't excuse her actions. He was really mad at her for what she did. And he tried to convince that you never stopped loving me, and that if you were dating someone, I was probably a just a fling or an attempt to move on. But Jo found out with her friends at CU that you were still dating the same girl, so we thought it was pretty serious. Two weeks later, Haymitch wrote to me with the news of your parent's horrible accident, and I flew home to try and see you, because, despite everything, I'm still in love with you, I never stopped. And I saw you. You were with her, at the funeral. At that moment I understood that I had lost you, and it was not fair for me to disrupt your already shattered world. So I went back to Paris and had a little relapse in my depression. That's why I missed Gale's wedding."

"It was her at my parents funeral! It was actually her!" I thought covering my mouth trying to keep the sobs, I didn't want to wake up Prim again, but this was too much. While I was at the Capitol, living the college life, fooling around with girls, partying and trying to move on with my life, she was going through hell. And she did it just to spare me of all of it. I always thought that I loved her with all my heart. But her love for me was beyond that.

There was still a last paragraph.

"Peeta, I know I have no right to ask you this, that you had move along with your life, and that with everything that happened with your parents, you have new responsibilities and priorities, but I would really like to speak to you, face to face. There are things that had happen, and I don't want you to have a bad impression about it. And if there's is a little chance, I'd really like to have at least my best friend back, because I don't want to live without you in my life anymore, and I'll take whatever you are willing to give me. As I said before, I never stop loving you. And very deep inside my heart, I have a little hope that your father was right, and that you didn't stop loving me too.

Please call me.

Yours always,

Katniss"

I crumpled the piece in paper in my fist. I felt like a wretch for even thinking about having something to claim her, She suffered so much, and all alone because of the vultures that surrounded me. Whatever she had done to get ahead, I have no right to claim her. She deserves all the happiness of the world, and if she had found someone else that helped her out of her sadness, I could do nothing more but be grateful to whoever he is, even if it meant having to give her up permanently.

"But she says she's still in love with me...what would that mean?"

There was only one way to find out and end all our doubts once and for all. I took my cell phone and decided to write her a message. It was already late and I did not dare to call her.

"Hey Kat! It's me. Sorry it took me so long. I just read the letter. I can't believe everything you went through because of me, my heart is broken. I'm sorry for not trusting you and for having mistreated you the other day. You didn't deserve that. Please, just tell me when and where you can see me, and I'll be there to listen to you. Dad was right, I've never stop loving you too, but we are not teenagers anymore, we have both changed, and after everything that has happened, we need to talk with honesty. No more secrets. Hope to hear from you soon.

Peeta"

I hit the send button and waited. Thirty seconds later she replied.

"Oh God! I'm so happy you answered. I was losing hope. Tomorrow afternoon, after you get out of work, meet me at our place. And I promise to tell you everything you want to know. Katniss."

I smiled through my tearstained face. Our place, the lake.

"I'll be there at two o clock. See you there. 'Night Kat."

"Night Peeta."

I went upstairs to my room, got into the shower and, just like the night my parents died, I finally let myself to cry.

xxxxxxx

Hi! First of all, I'd like to thank TheMockingjaySerpent for betaing this chapter. Thanks for your kind words of encouragement.

Well, now we know Katniss misadventures during the 5 years they've been apart. Please let me know your thoughts.

See you next chapter.

XOXO

Lizzyvb