Title: "Layers of a Lie"
Series: In the Arms of the Wicked, Part 16/?
Characters:Megan/Larry, David, OFC, Liz, Charlie/Colby, Don, Alan.
Rating: M.
Spoilers: None.
Warnings: Mention of rape.
Summary:Megan tries to keep her secrets. David can't hide his from his family.
Disclaimer: I don't own anything except my OCs.
Beta: Thanks to my amazing beta.
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In the Arms of the Wicked
Part 16: "Layers of a Lie"
"Are you happy, Larry?"
"If you mean that I have current access to a transcendent feeling of self-satisfaction and achievement on the breakfast I made, yes."
Megan kept running a dry cloth over the edges of a mug as Larry carefully did the dishes. Alan had gone back to the table after they had insisted on taking care of things in the kitchen. "What about the other meaning? Just sheer… joy?"
She heard her lover sigh and couldn't help letting herself smile. No matter how hard it was.
"Yeah… Most definitely."
"Hmm… I'm glad one of us is getting something positive from all this." Because there's no way I could… The silence that followed made her mind stop from happy, automatic mode. Her fingers trembled as she kept drying the dishes, her mind got cloudy and unfocused…
Larry touched her hand.
She stopped.
"Megan."
She didn't move. Her speeding breaths were difficult to handle, as well as the hard pounding of her heart. But slowly, the warmth of skin on skin soothed her nerves. The soft caress of Larry's hand on hers created a little light in between the flashes of ideas that darkened her thoughts.
"I'm…"
"You're not alone."
"I know that."
"Are you sure?"
Such question made by a loved one triggered something inside Megan's heart – something she consciously avoided running into. Out of breath, she turned to Larry and stared at his worried eyes.
Self-preservation mechanisms are healthy. As least, mine is.
"Do you want to talk about it?"
Please, don't make me go to that corner of my head. Let me control it and bury it where it belongs. "Not at the moment, but maybe someday," she muttered, wishing that they never came. "You're very sweet, Larry."
From the way he was looking back at her, Megan was sure that he hadn't missed the existence of a deeper issue hidden behind her words. She tried to ignore it and focus on something only a little bit less painful, a truth that overlapped with her personal demons. As the heard the laughs of people in the dining room, keeping that one to herself turned out to be impossible.
"This is a complete fake," she suddenly stated. Larry remained in silence. "No one around that table is okay. None of them. We all keep telling each other that we're fine, we keep showing off smiles and nice gestures, but we know that they'll never be enough to make things go back to what they were."
"That takes time…"
"Yeah, but this is… This is… I thought I was fine with it, but I'm not. I hate it when people pretend things are okay and they're obviously not." There, I said it. Damn it. After speaking her mind, Megan didn't want to continue with the conversation; she knew that she was doing that same thing herself, hiding behind a silly smile and hoping it'd make everything better. Silently, she went back to drying the dishes, wishing Larry would drop the subject.
The moment passed quickly, not giving her enough time to recover. When Alan came in and asked them how things were going, she lost control over herself and the mug she was taking care of slipped from her hands. It crashed on the floor, mirroring the way Megan's mind tried to turn memories into pieces.
"Oh, my God, Megan," Alan asked, as he started to collect the bigger pieces of the broken mug. He threw them to the trash. "Are you okay?"
"Yeah, yeah… I'm just… kind of clumsy, that's all. I'm so sorry," she excused herself, as she ran her fingers over her eyes, trying to hide the signs of her sudden nervous breakdown and to make the urge to cry go away. Alan's hand was soon on her shoulder.
"Don't worry about it. But are you sure you're fine? Why don't you sit down?"
She used all her energy to fake a smile when she uncovered her face. "You know what? Maybe I should… All these images of us together again and smiling were a bit too overwhelming, I guess."
"Here…" Alan pointed a little chair in the corner of the kitchen for her to sit down. Then he went to grab a broom and a dustpan.
"I can do it, Alan, if you don't mind," Larry suddenly said, pointing at the destroyed mug that lay on the floor.
Alan looked at him and then at Megan. From her little corner, she sensed that he had understood that they wanted to be alone. "Sure," he said, but when he was gone, Megan felt again the pressure of revealing the secrets she fervently tried to keep.
She remained on that chair, observing the way her hands still trembled, expecting Larry to keep asking questions. Curiosity was one of his most valuable characteristics. But he just did what he'd told Alan. He picked up the pieces of the mug and threw them to the garbage. Only then, he spoke again. He stood holding the broom and the dustpan in the middle of the kitchen and asked, "Do you have any idea why I offered to make this breakfast?"
Afraid and a little bit embarrassed, Megan shook her head.
"Because I've learned that sometimes the illusion of a happy ending can help initiate the actual healing."
His words were full of truth, and they always came up when Megan less expected it. What he had said was one of the few things she really believed in; it was one of the reasons why she had left home at the age of sixteen. It felt so good that he was the one to make her remember it.
"Is that the real reason why you've been different during the last few days?" Larry continued.
She looked up for a moment and then returned to staring at her trembling hands. As much as she thanked her lover for making her feel better, she bit her lip and preferred not to say another word. She didn't need Larry to see the scars the past had left on her soul; and most of all, she didn't want him to become the person to carry the weight for her.
XxX
The table still smelled of coffee and cookies when Alan came back and sat at the head of it. "So, what did I miss?"
"Liz was telling us all about the lilies David bought for her," Colby said with a teasing tone of voice.
"Yeah… white and pink… Very nice," Charlie continued, raising his eyebrows suggestively.
It is funny how we can cope like this, with bonding and jokes, and yet know that everything is a giant mess. Uncomfortable, David rested his head on his palm. He had to go with the flow. "Guys, it's impossible with you."
"She was the one who started it."
Looking amused, Liz ran her hands over her dark hair. It seemed that she was talking to herself when she said, "The lilies were pretty. What can I do but praise them? They were the only presents I got from…"
She didn't continue the sentence. David saw the way her face turned into sadness and regret of what she had just said. In the meantime, Charlie and Colby fixed their eyes on the table. It looked like they were apologizing for not visiting her frequently enough at the hospital. She had only been there for a few days, but…
"Don't worry about it, guys. You were busy." Liz's eyes were sweet but David could see disappointment in the way she rested both her hands on the table, beside her mug.
"Still, that's not an excuse," Colby stated. "I'm so sorry, Liz… You, too, Alan."
David remembered that Colby hadn't visited Alan either. Considering that Charlie was his lover, it could be worse than Liz's case, but then again, the agent and the mathematician weren't exactly a happy couple those days.
"It's okay, we weren't there for long," Alan said, patting Colby's shoulder.
"I went to your room a couple of times, but you were asleep," David muttered, with a shy smile on his face. He felt Alan's hand on his shoulder, too. Then he tried to get up, but he accidentally dropped one of the spoons that lay beside his mug. He leaned to catch it, and the sight of something happening under the table caught his attention – Charlie and Colby were holding hands.
They're lucky. If I could just… If she hadn't… I have to meet Jay.
"Guys, sharing this moment with you has been amazing… After all that's happened, it's good to know that we have each other…" Words rolled out of his tongue as he saw Charlie and Colby's faces, knowing that they were holding hands under the table.
"That sounds like you're leaving," Alan pointed out.
"I am…"
"No…" Charlie whispered.
With a disappointed look, Colby raised his hand. "C'mon, man, stay for a little while longer… Enjoy some more of Larry's show as our cook and host…"
Some of the images of Larry in his mad scientist costume had David laughing. "That's a very good offer, but if I'm not wrong, you should go back to work, just like me."
Charlie's face lit up. "That's true! For a moment, I had forgotten about it!" He ran one hand over his chin. "Do you think Don and Carl had a positive interview?"
That's certainly not the reason why he left. I should check on what he went to do. "I don't know, we'll have to wait and see what he tells us."
In that moment, the apartment's door was open. "Hey, guys," Don said, looking tired and playing with his car keys.
"Donnie, you're back," Alan greeted him.
Obviously pleased to see his brother, Charlie got up from the table and went towards him. "We were just talking about you. How was your interview with Carl?" He guided Don back to the table again.
"It was okay… Nothing big, really. He wanted to talk about Farrow, that's all."
"David told me that Ian and that guy are in Arizona right now. Is that true?" Liz asked, folding her arms. When David nodded, she continued, "What does that face of yours mean? Should I be worried?"
"Probably," Don said.
"More like a lot." Colby's eyes sparkled as he spoke. "I wasn't there during the interview the two of them had, but I've been told it was scary enough to have the entire floor talking about it."
Liz seemed to be very impressed. "Really? Wow."
"So… yeah, I'm going to go, now," David suddenly said, smiling.
"Could you give me a ride home? I need to take my stuff, and…"
"Yeah, don't worry about it. Let's go," he responded.
"Thanks."
"We should go to the FBI, too. There's a lot of work there waiting for us," Don explained. "Hey, Larry!" He grabbed a couple of the mugs that were still on the table, got up and walked towards the kitchen. "I'm going to help him out a bit, just in case… I'll see you at work, guys!"
"All right, Don!" Charlie called.
Five minutes later, David had already taken Liz's things and was helping her get in the car. When he sat beside her, in the driver's seat, he followed her eyes and found Charlie and Colby talking at the building's door.
"What do you think they're telling each other?" she asked, her eyes fixed on them as the edges of her lips slowly curved upwards.
David tried to figure it out. "Reading lips isn't my thing, but… maybe they're arranging a date?"
"That'd be good for them. You know, find time to talk more and get things going." She turned to him, still smiling, and he turned on the engine. It was time to take her home.
Liz's apartment was nice and very well lighted. Organized, comfy, minimalistic but warm. It was like fresh air, nothing like Amita's apartment. There would be no horrible surprises here.
He helped her carry her stuff and put it in place. He had to fight with her a little bit to make her get in the bed and rest for a while. David even took the liberty of making some tea and turning the TV on for her.
"You're the greatest," she told him, in between sips as she lay in between the sheets.
From the door, he watched her flip the channels. "Will you call me if you need anything?"
"Of course. Especially if I need more lilies."
"I put them on fresh water again, they're in the kitchen. Are you ever going to stop?"
"It's not like I have joke material on you around every day."
"Ha… Well, enjoy it until it gets old." His voice had sounded so pleased that for a moment, he got scared. "I'll see you later."
She waved the remote control at him. "See you, Sinclair!"
Leaving that apartment felt like something natural and good. Liz was a really good friend. She deserved to have someone by her side the entire day, and David would gladly be the one to accompany her, but he also had to take care of other things, like keeping his job and meeting his sister.
Calmer than a few days ago, he worked with Don most of the day. He couldn't find a way to figure out what Don had been doing that morning during breakfast. He also promised himself that he'd keep an eye on him, just to be sure.
Megan acted strange the entire afternoon. She looked pale, tired, and kept drinking more and more coffee, even when Don advised her against it. Her attitude was one David could easily recognize – the attitude of someone who was holding herself together and trying not to bother others. Neither he nor Don dared to ask what was going on with Megan, though. With Carl following their footsteps, it wasn't the best option.
At six o'clock, just before leaving, he watched Charlie and Colby talk to each other in the war room in a sweet way again. They're probably coming up with the details of their date. He could also see Larry in the break room; he looked worried about something; David assumed the reason was Megan.
"I'm going home, Don. Call me if anything happens," he told his boss before leaving the building.
On the way home, David realized that there was so much he had to do to welcome his sister properly. He made a stop and bought lemons, meat, vegetables and even a couple of plants to bring life to his apartment. He got the feeling that an empty, sad place would make questions pop into Jay's head, and that was the last thing he wanted. It wasn't the right time to talk about the rape yet; he couldn't even bear his friends knowing about it.
In his apartment, he took care of dinner and tidied up every room the best he could. Finding the place where he'd kept some of his most interesting clothes triggered a memory. The building-man stripper clothes… Maybe after all this mess is over, Charlie and Colby will make a good use of them.
Memories didn't stop there. One thing led to another, and all of a sudden he was hearing his sister's laughs, her voice, as they played games when he was a little boy. Maybe she was ten years older than him, but that had never stopped her from being there for David. Drowning in their old days was a good way to wait for her. By the time she rang the bell, everything was pretty much ready for her.
"Jay, how are you?" he greeted her after he opened the door. They gave each other a warm hug. They hadn't seen each other in a long time.
"I'm great, actually."
He took in the beauty of her curvy body and the strong spirit he knew she had. "I can tell. You look stunning. Isn't Marlon worried about all those men staring at you when you walk down the streets of L.A.?"
"Oh, you're too sweet. But my husband knows I'm his and his only. I know how to keep my man happy." She gave David her widest smile, and he couldn't help but seeing flashes of her wedding.
"Come in, please." It was fine. Everything was fine. He'd tell her about his doubts without going into details or reasons. She'd help him. That would be it. Jay didn't need to know the truth.
"You know, this place looks a lot better than when I first visited it," she said, looking around the apartment and sitting on the counter. "I'll take my lemonade, thanks."
"All right," Doing his best to hide his melancholic mood, David patted her shoulder and went to get the lemonade he had made for her.
"So, everything's cool? Your FBI work, your personal life? Any lady I should worry about for corrupting my little brother?" Smirking, she sat at the counter.
"Corrupting your little brother, the FBI agent."
"Hey, women love men in uniforms and suits. When I was younger, I would have said 'Yuck' if any of my friends considered you cute, but now I can see your charming side. Plus, your smile's a killer."
He smiled, offering her a glass of lemonade. "It runs in the family," he told her, making her giggle. "I bet Michael's got it, too."
"He's already breaking hearts at school, can you believe it? The other day he missed a couple of his classes and one girl came to 'bring him his homework.' Yeah, right. Came to drool over my handsome kid."
"You're so overprotective."
"Thank God he's only thirteen. It feels like yesterday when I was at the hospital and I all I could think about was pushing." She took a deep breath. "I don't even want to imagine what it'd be like when he really outgrows us."
"It's going to get tough. Especially for a crazy, loving mommy like you."
"You have no idea how much I wish you were wrong…" Her eyes fixed on something that was behind David; when he turned around, he saw a picture of him and his sisters. One of them was certainly missed. "Have you known anything about Linda lately?" Jay asked, pointing at them.
"Not really. I tried to call her a couple of times, but she never answered."
"She doesn't want to talk to me either."
"He must keep her busy." He tried to control his sudden anger by going to get more ice-cubes. "I still don't understand. She could make do so much better."
"Well, she apparently loves him."
"He's a thirty-year-old, irresponsible punk. Do you want me to go on?"
"It's her decision, her life. There's nothing you or me can do. C'mon, David, we've tried to make her come to her senses, and it didn't work. Maybe she needs to figure things out on her own. Sometimes that's all it takes."
The truth of her speech had a weird effect on David. On one hand, he didn't understand why Linda would want to work on her issues by herself. On the other, he could see that in certain cases, it was absolutely necessary to shut one self out from the world. Not talking about being raped was his most immediate example.
"Are you all right?"
Jay's eyes on his startled him. For a moment, he'd lost contact with the room and with her. It had all been a messy blur until she'd raised her voice. "Yeah, don't worry about it. I'm fine." He turned around, looking for something to do, whatever it was, even if he knew it'd be useless.
"There ain't nothing you can hide from me, brother."
"Jay."
"Don't lie to me. Tell me what's going on."
He turned to her, looked into her eyes and couldn't stand the though of her being disappointed of him. Fear had made this a perfect time for lame excuses. "I… I wouldn't know where to start…"
"Start from whatever you feel comfortable with. I knew that there was something going on with you when you called me yesterday. Your voice wasn't the same as usual." She entwined her fingers. "Marlon's taking care of Michael, so there's no rush. I'm here for you tonight, and you can be sure that there's nothing you can not tell me."
It was too late. David had known that this moment would come, because Jay always could persuade him to open up. Of course, he kept telling himself it wasn't like that, but once again this inevitable moment came – the one in which he basically told her everything.
His mind scared him. If he knew all these things, had he been subconsciously trying to find someone to talk about his problem?
He had no time to continue trying to figure out the reasons. Jay was staring back at him and he had this urge to say it, to let the weight of it slip from his shoulders and get at least one bit of honesty on the matter.
So he did it. In a desperate tale, David summarized the main facts of the issues that hunted him. He told Jay about the rape in an implied way; then he mentioned the paternity test and the child Amita was carrying.
"No… No." Her body seemed to be lifeless, languid and completely out of energy. "Oh, my God. Dear Lord."
"I'm okay. I mean, it's great, but I'm not that bad, either."
Apparently, she didn't buy it. David didn't know if it was for good or for . "Jeez, are you listening to your own words? You're lying to yourself!"
"How can you know that? You're not in my head."
"No, I'm not, but I am your sister and I've always been there for you. So I'm sorry, but I have a word or two on this!" she yelled, waving her hands furiously as her face went from terrified to angry. "You need to go to therapy, talk to someone, make a decision on the kid that woman is going to have, do something about this – not just pretending everything's okay!"
"Why? Just because Megan offered me some sessions with her? Because Don wants me to do my job, but he's as stressed out because of this as me? No. I'll do it when I'm ready, just like I will decide what the hell I'll do about that child when the paternity test is done!"
"It's not that simple and you know it! It's going to end up hurting you even more! Why do you keep…!" Her own crying stopped her from continuing, and she became silent.
David watched her trying to calm herself and thought how badly the conversation had gone. But when she walked to the other side of the counter, towards him, he understood that she was apologizing.
"I just… I don't know what to do."
Well, there's two of us. Overwhelmed, David muttered, "You can't do anything," and reached for her, guiding her into a soft hug.
"I love you," she whispered against his chest.
"Me, too." David could feel her whole body trembling and her thick hair tickling his face.
He forgot about all his expectations on this reunion. They made no sense. Looking around the dining room, he saw too it all too tidy, and then over calculated, and finally, it was scary – layer over layer, hiding a deeper lie.
He observed the two empty plates on the table, the glasses and the forks and knives ready to be used. After his confession, there would be finally a sign of honesty around the place…
Dinner would remain untouched.
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