Alright folks...it is on to senior year. I feel refreshed and ready to write a rewarding chapter. (That's what a pedicure and day with the girls can do for you.) Enjoy and get ready for drama...and hopefully some laughs too!
Juilliard Year 4 (Part 1)
I struggled up the stairs of my apartment building backwards, while my arms threatened to slip from the mint green dresser I carried up two flights. I could see the top of Marissa's blond head peeping over the extremely heavy piece of furniture she convinced me into helping her carry.
"Yeah...Kels Bells..you can do it...only one more flight to go."
Of course Marissa did not sound winded at all...I mean this was the yoga-wonder girl who would manage to look graceful while tripping over her own feet.
"Dresser...not...worth...d-dieing over." I managed to breath out.
I heard Marissa's lyrical laughter...oh, yes that was just the sound I wanted to hear while I was sweating my body weight and carrying a dresser I was willing to bet was heavier than me. (Sarcasm alert!)
"Almost there Kels...have I mentioned that I love you?"
I grimaced as I felt yet another step behind me.
"I...must...love...you...too...cause...this...dresser...is...frickin heavy." I whispered.
Praise the Lord, my foot met flat ground. Marissa and I gently set the dresser down on the floor for a moment. I looked over at Marissa, not a hair was out of place and there was not one ounce of sweat on her white tank top. Me on the other hand...I looked like I had just gotten out of the shower. (A smelly shower.)
"Riss...please tell me, because I don't understand why this green dresser was such a mandatory purchase?"
Marissa smiled her most winning smile.
"Simple, I needed a dresser and I like the color green. It's so pretty, like an...easter egg."
Okay, I shouldn't have asked. I mean what was I expecting her to say..."this dresser might someday save my life?" We continued to SLIDE (thank God) the dresser into Marissa's bedroom. As Marissa fawned and I fumed over the new piece of furniture, there was a knock on the door. I looked over at Riss to see if she was going to feel inclined to answer, but she was gazing lovingly at her giant easter egg dresser. I rubbed my sweaty palms on my shorts and went to answer the door. And of course who was there but the last person I wanted to have see me sweaty and smelly.
"Hey Kels...um...did you just get out of the shower." Ryan asked, looking confused.
Please may this be a bad dream and I will wake up soon. I closed my eyes willing either Ryan to come back in an hour or my clothes and body to be magically clean. I opened my blue eyes...nope, didn't work, Ryan still stood confused in my doorway...and I still smelled.
I smiled an embarrassed smile at Ryan.
"I just helped Riss move the giant easter egg into the apartment." I said as way of explanation.
Ryan looked even more lost.
"Giant easter egg?"
Marissa walked over to the doorway.
"Hey Riss, why don't you show Ryan your new easter egg dresser while I hop in the shower. I will be ready to work on the musical in a few."
With my parting remarks, I sprinted to the sanctuary of my bathroom. I took the fastest shower of my life and then wrapped my favorite purple towel around my clean body and threw on my shower-fogged glasses. As I walked out of the bathroom I overheard Ryan say my name. (Now before I tell you this next part, I challenge any of you not to eavesdrop a little when you hear the man you love say your name.) I tiptoed barefoot across the hallway towards Marissa's room, attempting to step over the squeaky floorboards. I stood with my back to the wall outside of Marissa's doorway, water unceremoniously dripping from my long curling hair.
"Exactly how long is it going to take you to figure out your feelings Ryan, it's been over six months...oooo...you had better not be leading her on. I mean I think you are great and all, but if you are leading her on-"
Ryan cut off Marissa's super-speed ramble. And I held my breath as those all too familiar butterflies started moving about wildly.
"Riss, I promise I am not leading her on. It's just...complicated, okay?"
My heart sunk. Heat rushed to my face as I strained to hear Marissa's next super-speed ramble.
"Complicated! Complicated? God, I am so sick of hearing the word complicated, that was all Kelsi said all summer long. What is so complicated about this...I'll tell you what...NOTHING! There is nothing complicated about Kelsi being in love with you and you loving her right back!"
Wait...wait...wait...please tell me Marissa did not just tell Ryan that I loved him...Oh, God...Oh, God...what was he saying, how was he responding.
Silence, and then Ryan's hushed voice.
"Kelsi loves me?"
Thanks bunches Marissa...I am so never singing the platypus song for her again and I am selling the easter egg dresser on craigslist. And then I heard Marissa.
"Of course she loves you...but you already know that. Just like you already know that you love her too. God, if you could just watch the two of you...see yourselves the way I see you together. You are always finding excuses to touch one another, to be together at least twice every day. Heck, you are practically our third roommate. And how many girls have you dated in your going on four years of college? I'll tell you...NONE! And has Kelsi dated...NO! And you know why...because you two are denial dating each other. Ooo...that was good, "denial dating. Now why don't you put both Kelsi and yourself out of misery and admit your feelings for her. I'll let you in on a pretty obvious secret...she's not going to reject you."
I stood frozen outside of the doorway. Everything Marissa said was the truth. I had been wearing my heart on my sleeve since...since forever, and Ryan wasn't accepting it. I thought this was enough, but it wasn't. I deserved more and I wanted more. I deserved someone who wasn't afraid to take a chance, someone who wasn't afraid to say they loved me.
I started to walk back to my room in a daze, just as Ryan was walking out of Marissa's room. We stood frozen, staring at one another. His skin had lost most of it's color and his eyes looked like they were ready to burst into tears. It was obvious he was effected by Marissa's speech.
"Kels..." He whispered.
I looked at the man I loved, took a deep breath and for the first time in my life demanded something of him.
"Tell me." I said, sounding stronger than I felt.
He seemed to knew exactly what I was talking about.
"Kelsi...I.."
He looked at me, showing me what I wanted with every part of his body but I needed, no,I deserved the words.
"Tell me you love me Ryan, because.." A sob escaped my chest, "because I love you."
Ryan was openly crying now.
"Kelsi, I-I...can't."
He started to move towards me.
"Get out." I was amazed to hear the words come out of my mouth.
And then he left. Just like that, he just...left. I saw Marissa come out of her room, a worried expression on her face. My best friend caught me in her arms as I collapsed into sobs.
Months passed and I did not see or talk to Ryan. He tried to call, but I couldn't answer the phone. He stopped by, and I would have Marissa make excuses for me. She didn't agree with my tactics, but she supported me. I took different routes to and and from classes and did everything within my power to avoid him. I was basically a robot. My mom, knowing the situation even came up to New York for Thanksgiving and Christmas, so that I wouldn't have to face Ryan back home. Like Marissa, she didn't agree with my tactics, but as she so aptly stated to me one evening on the phone, "A mother loves her child, even when she doesn't agree with her decisions." Gabby and Taylor came to visit, hoping to rejuvenate my spirit. It was nice to see them, but I couldn't just act like everything was okay in my world, because it wasn't. I lived in my robotic state until January.
There wasn't something magical that occurred in January, my heart just healed a little bit. And, well, I guess I was ready to experience life again. I was slowly able to laugh and enjoy myself again.
It was a Sunday in April when I saw Annie again. (Do you remember hearing about Annie, she was Ryan's girlfriend in high school.) Marissa and I had gone to the Red Steps to get tickets to a show on Broadway. We were waiting in line with the hope of seeing Wicked. I heard someone call my name, as I looked over I saw a familiar set of friendly eyes and a short cap of ebony hair. Annie...Ryan's Annie was in New York.
"Hi, Annie. Wow, this is a surprise, what are you doing in New York?"
Please don't say you are here for Ryan...Please don't say you are here for Ryan...The litany repeated over and over again in my head.
"Oh, I just transferred to NYU."
My skin had paled considerably and Marissa was wearing a look somewhere between confusion and concern. Marissa came to my rescue.
"Hi, I'm Marissa...Kelsi's roommate. Oh...crap, Kels..I forgot something at home. Do you mind if we skip Wicked?"
My grateful eyes met Marissa's understanding ones.
"No...that's fine...um, well, bye Annie."
I tried not to run from the beautiful waving girl as I hastened my goodbye.
Marissa pulled my behind a building as soon as we reached our first intersection.
"Okay Kelsi, spill...who was that and why did all of the color leave your face the moment you saw her?"
I looked at Riss...alarm taking over my expression.
"That was Annie, Ryan's ex-girlfriend."
A look of dawning fell upon Marissa's features. She then gave me a searching gaze.
"And what are you going to do now." She said.
I looked at my best friend, the girl who had become my sister. A slow and confidant smile slid across my features.
"I am going to go and get Ryan."
Marissa laughed and grabbed be in a huge spinning hug.
"That's my girl...I knew it was just a matter of time." Marissa said laughing.
Seeing Annie made me realize that I wasn't ready to give up on Ryan. And I certainly wasn't going to give up without a fight. Marissa went back to our apartment as I headed down the busy streets towards Ryan's apartment. Before I was ready, my feet found themselves outside Ryan's apartment. I took deep breathes and worked on convincing myself that I could do this. Just then, my phone rang. I looked at my caller ID and saw Marissa's smiling face.
"Riss?" I said
Marissa cut right to the chase.
"You are totally standing outside his apartment right now aren't you?" (Scary how well she knows me, right?)
My mouth dropped open, was she spying on me?
"I'm working on it!" I said forcibly.
Marissa's tone matched my own.
"Stop working and start moving...please."
My hand reached for the doorknob. I took a deep breath.
"I'm going in." And at that I hung up the phone.
Before I lost my momentum, I sprinted up the steps and knocked on Ryan's door.
And then I prayed he wasn't home, this was a mistake...oh god, I wasn't ready. And then the door opened, and there he was. He was perfect.
"Kelsi."
There was surprise in his voice. Surprise and something else too, I couldn't place what it was.
"Hi Ryan." God I missed him.
It was like he read my mind.
"I missed you Kels...so much. I have been trying to reach you."
Surprise brightened my features.
"Still? I mean I know you were calling back in...um..well, before."
Ryan reached for me and tentatively enveloped me in a hug. My arms naturally found their way around Ryan's waist.
"I have never stopped trying to reach you Kels...never. I have so much to say to you." Ryan whispered into my hair.
Bliss, this was what bliss felt like. My heart was beating, I felt warm all over and the pleasant flutter of butterflies resided within me.
"I've missed you too Ryan." I said against his chest.
Ryan's hands combed the hair that was tumbling down my back under my hat.
"We need to talk." He said, "can I come over tonight?"
I leaned back in his arms and looked at him, love flowing from my eyes to his.
"Sure, how about you join Riss and I for movie night, we can talk after."
He leaned down and I felt his lips gently graze my cheek.
"I'd like that, can we watch...Sabrina?
I started to laugh.
"Are you going to run out of my room again?" I asked in a teasing voice.
Ryan looked at me with regret, remembering the night so long ago in my dorm room.
"I don't plan on ever running from you again."
He looked at me with eyes full of promise.
"Then I will see you tonight...seven work for you?" I knew I was wearing the dumbest grin.
"Kels, I haven't spoken to you since September, I will see you at five."
I could hardly contain my excitement.
"Five it is...see you then Mr. Evans."
I slowly turned around and walked out of his apartment building. I couldn't help feeling that tonight was going to be the night that changed everything.
Wow...the writing monster just took over my body. My dinner is sitting on the coffee table cold...from over an hour ago. So, I am off for a late (cold) dinner and bed. Goodnight!