Disclaimer: I do not own Legion of Super-Heroes or All That!
It's been a while, hasn't it? I think I'm a little rusty. Living in the City is a song from Sonic R.
And I would just like to dedicate this to Avearia for my prize on DA, and for LadyProtecta for her Brainy/Vi fanart for my Christmas Track List. Girls, everyone, enjoy.
"Last issue, Tenzil fought off hordes of cannibal soccer moms. But now he's back. And now, it's Tenzil Kem With Vital Information For Your Everyday Life."
Tenzil is sitting in a rocking chair and knitting a sweater. He looks like Whistler's Mother.
"Hello dearies. It's me, Mo-I mean, Tenzil."
"Boo! Boo! Hiss! I hope you close a car door on your hand!" the off-screen voice yells. "Likewise, freak! Now cram a bastard in it, squirrel, and get over here and joust with this chainsaw wielding maniac!" "I don't wanna!"
"Sorry Bubba."
The chainsaw wielding maniac lowered his chainsaw in sadness.
"Unn." He said, and left the studio. Tenzil put down the knitting needles.
"Don't try sticking your tongue inside a wall socket to see if it gets a charge. It may be fun, but the hard part? Getting it back out."
"Monkey see, monkey do. Monkey eat, monkey poo."
"Never spit in another man's eggs. Spit in his face!"
"Living in the city. You know you have to survive. Living in the city. You've got to keep that dream alive. Living in the city. Where everything is free, can't you see? Yeah, they says it's free, then explain why I spent all night in the county jail next to some pyromaniac for walking off with a car they 'say' is free. "
"My dad got employee of the month last week. What's his job? Village idiot."
"Everyone remembers how the wicked witch of the west melted when she got water thrown on her. I tried that on Cosmic Boy and I got put on suspension."
"Everyone's seen the way Cosmic Boy and Ebony Dent hate one another. The truth? They're knockin' headboards."
Meanwhile, in Legion HQ, Ebony and Lightning Lad are watching Tenzil in Garth's room. They've just heard that last bit.
"Me? And Moron?" She turns sickly green, and clutches at her stomach.
"Are you-" Garth can't finish because...
"BLECH!"
"You got it all over my red carpet!"
And outside, Saturn Girl fainted.
Back at the studio, Tenzil pulled out a fan letter, and…
"And we have plenty of information from reader #L1701E. Let's see…"
Tenzil cleared his throat and read down the list.
"Before the Crisis on Infinite Earths, Invisible Kid liked girls. After Zero Hour, he liked guys. MAKE UP YOUR MIND ALREADY!"
"It's not okay to douse your teacher in dog food and unleash starving Dobermans on her. Even if she did destroy your childhood, held you back three years, and turned your best friend into a quivering shell of a man. But the bitch got what was coming to her!"
"Never disturb Timber Wolf while he's baking. Just ask any of the guys he buried behind Legion HQ."
"Phantom Girl still looks good for a big girl. Yes, yes she does readers. But you didn't hear it from me."
"Extra! Extra!"
Tenzil is handed a memo by a stagehand.
"Hmm. What's this? Grandma got run over by a reindeer, walking home from our house Christmas Eve. I did not know that. Wait, what? She was run over?! I'm coming Granny!"
Tenzil leaves the studio and runs to a snowy driveway, where he helps up his poor old grandmother. She's got skid marks and hoof-prints on her back. Next to her is a cup that was once filled with eggnog, and a container for her medication.
"Granny! WHY?! WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO OLD PEOPLE?!"
"T-Tenzil...?"
"Granny? Granny! I gotcha Granny!"
He hoists her onto his back.
"Oh thank you Tenzil. You always were such a sweet boy."
"It's gonna be okay Granny. Trust me. I'm a senator."
"Oh I do trust Tenzil. Which is why you probably had a good reason for calling that Phantom Girl fat."
"Ratings, Granny."
"But what'll happen if those two boys who like her find out?"
"Nah. They're too busy trying to kill one another to notice."
"I see. NOW!"
Something invisible throws Tenzil into the ground. He looks up, and it's…
"Jo? Brin?"
Granny takes off her wig and clothes to reveal it's really Timber Wolf. Standing next to him is Ultra Boy.
"You didn't learn the last time, did you?" Timber Wolf asks.
"Remember this?" Ultra Boy takes out the same bat Tinya used on him in the chapter he insulted her in. They gang up on him.
"W-wait. You two are always fighting over who gets to do it with Tinya! How can you be-?"
"Tinya is a grown woman and she can decide for herself who she wants to date." Jo explains.
"Until then, there's nothing to stop us from beating down whatever trash mouths off about her." Brin states.
"Eep."
"Mr. Nah?" Brin asks.
"After you, Mr. Londo."
"This has been Tenzil Kem with vital information for your everyday life."
Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!