Disclaimer: I do not own Legion of Super-Heroes.
Inspired by Saturday Night Live and an episode of CatDog.
I should probaly get shot for this.
"And now, for a special edition of Vital Information, here's Tenzil Kem, singing, the Thanksgiving Song!"
The spotlight moves onto Tenzil, who's sitting on a stool with a guitar. He starts strumming it.
Oh Thanks-Giving, why do you come once a year?
Because we all have to deal with our fears…
Of the horror that comes this time of the season.
So I better start listing the reasons,
Of why some people have misgivings,
About dear, sweet, old, Thanks-Giving!
You get up at five in the morning
And you feel like you're in mourning.
Because you know that pretty soon,
You might as well be dead by noon.
You get dragged into that jungle called a kitchen,
She says she's working, but all your mom does is the bitchin'.
You mash the potatoes, you cream the corn,
And to take your mind off it, you think about porn.
You get too preoccupied baking the buns…
Whoops! Now the stuffing's overdone.
All of a sudden, the ground starts to shake.
And then they all come, fast as a 'quake.
Your family is here, for the holidays.
And you pray to God that it'll be the end of days.
And that's a few of the reasons why we have misgivings,
About dear, old, sweet, Thanks-Giving!
Your Uncles are annoying, your aunts are worse.
And you watch as your parents mutter and curse.
But with the grandparents, you don't know what to do.
Because the smell like crap, and think it's 1942.
And everyone thinks you're the one,
Who tried to get it on with your aunt, the nun.
And then you pre-heat the oven and shove the turkey in,
But when it's done it looks like it came out of the laundry bin.
The cranberries are spoiled, the corn bread is rotten.
And then you realize that the yams are forgotten.
You run into the kitchen, fast as a whip,
But they've been eaten by your diabetic Uncle Pip.
He's down on the floor, ho-ing and heaving,
And your reverend cousin thinks that he's possessed by demons.
We now know that there are now plenty of misgivings,
About rotten, old, stupid, Thanks-Giving!
Your snooty Aunt Betty smears on her lipstick,
As she asks you why your dad is such a dipstick.
He doesn't get paid enough at work,
So every other day you're forced to eat day-old Mu-Shu Pork.
Your cousin Jean asks why she wasted her life,
Marrying her husband Arnold, who plays the fife.
He thinks that he's the most talented than all the muckity-mucks.
But to put it to you plainly, he sucks.
Your uncle Jim is so busy shoveling down turkey,
He doesn't notice he swallowed his house key.
You mom ask your sister-in-law if she'd like to try her pie.
But all that gets her is a knife in the thigh.
You think that things have gone too far.
But really, for the course it's now par.
'Cuz now Grandpa's accusing Uncle Gar,
That he tried to run him down with his new Cadillac car
You think that it's now gotten worse,
And you better be calling for a hearse.
But then they break out the brandy, the schnapps, and the beer.
And now everyone's sitting pretty and clear.
Now everyone's tired, fat, and lazy,
And my vision has started getting hazy.
But I hope you have no more misgivings,
About dear, sweet, old, Thanks-Giving!
"What? Where's that guy who usually yells at me?"
In another part of the studio, the offscreen guy is bleeding from the ears and looking as if he just died from a heart attack. Which he did.
"Well, that's that. If you'll excuse me, I have to go figure out what my little brother Timmy just stuck inside his ear. Happy Holidays! Now where's my-"
BONG!
Tenzil is on the ground, a big lump on his head. Ebony Dent is standing over him with his guitar in her hands.
"Me and Moron? I'm going to enjoy this."
"W-who are you?'
"It's me, Ebony Dent. But you can call me... El Kabong."
BONG!
"This has been Tenzil Kem, with a Thanksgiving special of vital importance."