Disclaimer: I do not own Legion or All That.
No, I don't have a thing about flamers. I just thought this up because I was bored.
Zoom in on a red skinned guy with a beehive wig and a green blouse with no pants.
"Oh hello, ladies! It's me, international pop deva Red Beaver, and my little companion Spot the Weenie Dog."
Holds up a festering, rabid dog.
"And now, it's time for Tenzil Kem's Vital Information For Your Everyday Life."
Cut to Tenzil sitting at a news desk.
"Hello, all you grandmas out there."
"I'm 24!" The offscreen voice yelled.
"You're also ugly! Now get over here and start working on this script for the Watchmen remake!"
"I don't wanna!"
Tenzil flips the guy off.
"Now, I'd like to get serious for a moment, and discuss with a problem that has been plaguing mankind for centuries. Flamers."
"Descended from a race of giant flame spewing Hawaiian hissing cockroaches, flamers take on the appearance of either overweight, acne-riddled, balding, middle-aged men, or that of twenty-five year old, Sweeney Todd shirt wearing, mustachioed former cheerleaders. They have nothing better to do than make fun of everything that is posted on the internet. They make they're petty insults sound smart, but really, they do it so their Cheeto-fed life can seem bigger and better than the rest of us. Even though they are allergic to sunlight, never sleep, and bleed a corrosive acid from their eyes every time they are turned on by House/Daffy Duck slash, most of which they write themselves. It's sad really, since all they do is ruin the hobbies the rest of us like to persue."
"When dealing with flamers, I like to think of 25 different insults to deal with them. Here's the list."
Cut to Red Beaver standing next to a screen like Vanna White.
1. Looks like someone's stepdad had boundary issues.
2. The only thing funnier than you typing that is you thinking I'm gonna care.
3. Your mother.
4. Yeah, that's great. How bout you go over there and be you, I'll stay here and be me, and we can go on with our lives. Oh, that's right, you don't have one.
5. Let me pretend I care. ...Okay, I'm done.
6. Wow, you actually thought that out. I didn't know assholes took so long to think about how they're going to make shit.
7. Rosie O'Donnell rip off, much?
8. I can't hold it against you. I mean, it's not my fault you're on the rag.
9. I'm betting you spoke that out in a British accent while you were typing it, didn't you?
10. Geez, you french your sister with that mouth?
11. Now do Howard Stern.
12. How marvelously asinine. You have a talent for abusing the human language that is, and can only be, exceeded by the negative number that is your IQ.
13. McCarthy must be turning in his grave.
14. Way to kick the First Amendment in the family jewels.
15. Tell me, by any chance, do you have a life? You do? Than stay out of mine.
16. Don't you have better things to do than acting like the neighborhood spastic?
17. Hear that? It's me not caring.
18. My grandma could type better insults from the nursing home.
19. Yes and I'm sure this is why your parents put the internet connection in their basement. So you could be wasting your time doing this instead of getting a job like the rest of us.
20. What garbage disposal were you spawned in and why should I care?
21. Way to ruin the internet for the rest of us.
22. That's what she said.
23. You live in a fantasy world, don't you?
24. I've read better insults on the bathroom walls at Disneyworld.
"And, my personal favorite."
25. ...
"Just ignore them. Our attention is their lifeblood. Failure to notice their existence is like kryptonite. But it's okay to get a few jabs in before failing to recognize their ability to exist. This was proven in a government research station in Omaha, Nebraska. They aren't worth the time, the patience, or the DNA. I'm Tenzil Kem, you stay classy, internet."
"This has been Tenzil Kem With Vital Information For Your Everyday Life."