AN: Thank you all so much for the reviews!
We are silent until we reach the hotel room. Well at least I am. He has tried several times to explain himself or to apologize but I silenced him not wanting to hear it before we got back to the room. It's better to just get it all out with interruption and it's better for him that I have time to calm down. We finally enter the hotel room and each go to our respective sides.
"DiNozzo" is shamefaced and quiet, but before he can open his mouth his phone goes.
"Sorry boss", he says quietly and answers.
"Hey Aunt Beatrice", he says, and I can hear a woman crying in the background profusely thanking him. "Hey not a problem", he continues, "Look Aunt Beatrice right now isn't a good time, can I call you back?" The woman continues to talk. "Yeah, no, well I know they didn't do it." A pause, "I'm sure they are good boys. " She continues. "No Mary didn't deserve that." Another pause. "Yeah, okay, uh huh. Look Aunt Beatrice, you just keep them away from the police okay? Make sure the four of them talk to no one, don't let them post nothing on the internet on myspace, facebook, you just tell them to put nothing in writing." Screaming this time, but this one garners a smile from DiNozzo, "Ha yeah I forgot that saying." She keeps going on. "Dinner? I'm not sure what I'm doing right now. Yeah that is my favorite, but no, I don't think I'm going to be able to make it, I got keep on this okay?" I hear more talking on that end. "Aunt Beatrice, are you with Simona right now?" A pause. "Okay good, she'll tell you everything, you do what she says, and Aunt Beatrice, you make sure your sons mind you, I know that Carmine and Jamie are bit too old", and DiNozzo takes a seat on the bed, "But you an Italian momma no?" He smiles again and there is more talking on this lady, he mouths "Sorry boss" to me.
You know you would think it would loose meaning after the hundredth time in one day but each time I feel a pang for him because it is heartfelt and because he is genuine.
"Alright, alright", he says, "Yeah I love you too, I'll call you soon, okay? Ciao."
He puts the phone down on his dresser.
"I'm sorry about that boss", he says, "She's their mom and she's pretty shaken up over the whole thing. She had no idea what was going on passed what happened to Mary. She's devastated."
I come and take a seat on the opposing bed and look at him.
"What was the saying", I ask.
"Huh?"
"The saying you had forgotten?"
"Oh heh", he scratches the back of his head, classic embarrassed DiNozzo, "Sicilians never put things in writing."
"You mean other than immunity papers?", I say icily, "So, what are you doing next?"
He looks up at me, "I", he stutters, "Well, I want to figure this out. If my aunt is alive, I want to find her, and I want to know what happened."
"I have Abby doing that right", I say back.
His jaw drops slightly and looks at me in the eye. Let it never be said that DiNozzo is a coward.
"You had no right to do that", he says quietly, "This is my problem. This is my family, I'll handle it."
I do not respond and let him sweat a bit.
"Boss", he says tiredly, "I don't need everyone knowing my business. I trusted you."
That almost hurts, and he can be as angry as he wants, but I will do what is best for him.
"DiNozzo", I say with the Italian pronunciation, and damn does his head shoot up to attention, "You are part of my family, and whether or not you like it, I will not let you take the fall for something that isn't your fault. You must realize that this isn't over. That chicanery you pulled back there, to be honest DiNozzo, was the stupidest thing you've ever done."
He looks confused.
"Boss", he says, "I thought it was pretty good considering…"
"It wasn't pretty good I say", looming over him, I grab his face and force him to look at me, "It was brilliant."
I let the words sink in for a minute, but I do not let go.
The only way to get through to DiNozzo is physically, and the only possible way to compliment him and make sure that he understands your intentions is to somehow be hurting him so he can't blow it off. DiNozzo responds tactilely, it's a simple as that.
I finally let him go and resume sitting on my bed so we are parallel to each other.
"I don't understand", he said.
"What you did", I said, "Was brilliant, even your father thought so."
"He stayed", Tony perks up.
"Throughout all of it", I say.
"What did he say", Tony asks like a dog begging for water.
"Tony", I say dangerously, "Not now."
He nods and accepts that.
"Now listen to me", I say, "It was stupid because now there are no other suspects. They did it DiNozzo and now the police can't touch them. Who is it do you think they are going to go after next?"
"I didn't kill anyone Gibbs", Tony replies flatly.
"They don't have to charge you for murder" I say, "They can charge for a million other things, like being an accomplice or obstructing justice, or perjury."
"I didn't lie", Tony spits out dangerously.
"You do realize that if they find anything that was said today to be contradictory they will push for perjury right? It doesn't matter if you thought it was truthful at the time."
Tony hangs head.
"The reason I called the team is because I am not letting you take the fall for this. And DiNozzo", I get closer so our knees are touching and pull his tie so his face up close to mine. "You are not investigating this."
He pushes back and stands.
"What?", he yells arms widespread.
I jump up immediately to counter his anger. I need to grab control of this very quickly before he decides that he can defy me too.
"Anything you touch DiNozzo is going to be thrown out, do you understand that? They will accuse you of planting evidence."
"I have to talk to Elena" he finally says, "She knows something, she's the one who got me up here. I can talk to her."
"Tomorrow", I say, "Tonight, tonight we keep it low. We don't want to attract any more attention, do you understand me?"
He looks at me and I can see him considering sneaking out, or just outright leaving. Well now it's time to make a point.
"You got something to say", I yell at him.
His dirty look doesn't leave. I get close to his ear and whisper.
"You wipe that damn look off your face."
He sighs and looks at me again. He knows that this is a game I play with others. Which is unfortunate because if I have to bring this to the next level in order to ground him I will.
"Boss", he says looking at me, "You don't scare me."
And that's the truth. I could never scare Shannon or Kelly either. Everyone else however is not immune. The people that really know me know that I could never hurt them.
So fine, the fear isn't the way to go, especially considering he would take a beating and still do whatever the hell he wanted. So I'll resort to other methods.
DiNozzo is good at handling my anger, so it's time to switch tactics. This is low, but I will protect him no matter what it costs. Tony was neglected as a child, and so all I have to do is simply stop talking before he'll get nervous.
I grab the TV remote and turn on the news. I turn my back to him and start undressing out of my funeral garb. I change into a pair of jeans and a new shirt and then go into the bathroom. I'll stay in here for seven minutes and then come out and see if this attitude problem of his has disappeared by then.
Everyone can be broken, even the strong willed like DiNozzo. But what I'm about to do? I hate mind games, I don't play mind games and I don't allow myself to be the recipient of them, however these are special circumstances and I damn know well DiNozzo is a force of nature to be reckoned with, and the only way to meet him is to screw with him a little. I'm trying to save his career so I figure these are really special circumstances. NCIS cannot have its agents defending and getting suspects off especially those when the victim is a senator's daughter. Especially when it embarrasses our sister agency the FBI. Especially when the crime is this heinous. Especially when the evidence but all counts makes them guilty of something.
I leave the bathroom and then go and lay down on the bed intent on watching TV until he talks. I give it another twenty minutes. Out of the corner of my eye I can see him sitting incredulously. In two minutes he'll react with his first defense mechanism, anger. He'll be pleading soon enough, and then he'll promise he won't leave this room, because honestly? I need him to promise me because like Fornell said, when he's good, he's good, but when he's bad, he's better.
"Are you actually mad at me", he says finally after not being able to take it.
Three minutes. I was off by one.
"Because you can't be mad at me", he says arms widespread.
I say nothing.
"You bugged me", he shouts, "You fucking put a bug on me! Did I stay mad? No! I let it go!"
I change the channel for my response.
"You called the team behind my back when you knew, you knew it would upset me. I trusted you Gibbs and you threw it in my face!"
Next channel.
"Do you understand what they are going to think", he screams, "They are going to find out everything in my past. Ziva already thinks I'm spoiled as all hell, McGee thinks I'm some common privileged idiot, and Ducky and Abby, they have no idea about this world. I don't need them being proved right! They are going to take on look at my family, where I came from, and they are going to throw that in my face for the rest of my career with them. And you knew that!"
I put the volume up.
"Oh fuck you Gibbs", he screams, "You don't have any right to be angry! I should be angry! In case you haven't noticed this hasn't been exactly easy on me! You said you had my six."
I do have your six, that's why I'm doing this whether or not you can see it now.
"Gibbs", he yells, "You can't be mad at me, that's not fair! This is not how it works."
His phone rings and he hurls it across the room watching it smash into a bunch of pieces. He stomps into the bathroom and slams the door.
Well that's progress. The problem here is that no one ever showed DiNozzo how to cry, and he has no refuge for his emotions. He won't release all of his anxiety by crying so he'll do it in anger.
I hear glass shatter in the bathroom, but I leave it for now. I need him calm and ready to move forward and if beating up something accomplishes that then so be it.
One day I'll teach him how to cry, but today is not that day.
And another day I'll sit down and talk to him and make him clearly understand that he is not his family, and that the qualities that he does share with his family are not things to be ashamed of. This isn't the first time he's been embarrassed by them or rather for them with me present. It started in the car when he was talking to Dominic on speakerphone. He is incredibly protective of them and anything that he feels could remotely resemble a slight he becomes infuriated.
At work he doesn't speak of them, and in his personal life the most of a story I can get out of him are those surrounding his father. He does not discuss family, because he cannot handle any kind of scrutiny regarding them. Or perhaps it is because he cannot have them in his life because he has buried them in his mind.
I first learned he spoke Italian on an undercover assignment. It was myself, Tony and three mobsters. The leader of the group said something in Italian and before I know it Tony had thrown me to the floor as gunfire erupted.
I chewed him out something nasty that day. I could for not the life of me understand why he wouldn't have told me he spoke Italian. I just yelled and yelled, and yet he said nothing. I demanded that if he ever left out such a capability like that again that I would fire him. It is only now that I understand how touchy it is for him.
When he enters the room he picks up the pieces of his phone and starts to reconstruct them on the hotel desk. His anger has however dissipated. He turns around to face me.
"Gibbs", he says, "Please."
I say nothing. We're almost there DiNozzo.
"I'm sorry", he whispers.
I turn the TV off.
"You're sorry what", I say icily without looking at him.
He flounders for a bit too long. I jump up and get right in his face.
"You're sorry what", I shout.
"Sir", he yells back, back straightening, "I'm sorry sir!"
"Get on the ground", I yell, "Now!"
He questions it with his eyes but does so.
"Do pushups", I say.
"How many sir", he asks.
"Until I tell you to stop."
"Sir, yes sir" he says with a tad of attitude.
I grab his hair and pull his head up.
"I'm sorry what was that", I yell right in his face.
"Sir yes sir", he repeats back respectfully.
"That's what I thought you said", I and release him.
"Down", I yell, and he complies.
"Up", I yell right back, and he corresponds.
"Down!" Back down, "Hold it!"
DiNozzo should be able to keep this up for a little longer until it starts affect him. Ten minutes into it I begin to see strain.
"Up! Down! Up! Down! Up! Hold it!"
I get on the floor right into his face.
"Why are we doing this DiNozzo", I yell at his face.
I can see he is contemplating telling me to screw myself, but he holds his tongue.
"Because I'm a bad person", he asks.
"Down!"
He groans but complies.
"Hold it!"
"Why are we here DiNozzo?"
"Because I took the car under your nose" he says.
"Up! Because you lied DiNozzo."
"No sir", he yells, "I did not lie to you!"
I go on a knee and hold him by his sweaty hair, "Yes, yes you did! You played me DiNozzo! You took part of our relationship and you threw it in my face so you could do something that I told you specifically not to do!"
"They're my family sir", he yells back. I let go of him.
"Down!"
He's sweating profusely now, but he won't give in, it's a competition now.
"Hold it!"
"You lied", I yell back, "Up!"
"No sir", he yells back, "I didn't lie! I am not a liar! I am not my father! I don't lie!"
And now we are getting somewhere.
"You tricked me", I yell, "Down and hold it!"
He groans but complies.
"Tricking people, or making people believe a falsity is lying!"
"I am not a liar" he screams.
"I am not a liar, what? And up!"
"I am not a liar sir!"
"So what would you call it DiNozzo, and hold it!"
He's in between from going up to all the way back down and I know he must be smarting now.
"You bugged me sir", he grits out.
I grab his face and make him look at me again.
"You clearly cannot be trusted!"
"They're my family!"
"What?"
"They're my family sir!"
"Down!" A grunt of relief.
"Up!"
He pushes himself up and I can see he is agony now. I stand up and start pacing from where he is.
"You disobeyed a direct order!"
"I didn't have a choice sir!"
"You always have a choice! Down! Your choice included defending murderers!"
"They didn't kill anyone sir!"
"Up! You put yourself in the line of fire! Down! Where is your sense of self? Up! It's not always about other people DiNozzo, sometimes you need to protect yourself. Down! These people have done nothing for you, they left you, they scorned you, and some of them beat you, and you are going to just stand up and proclaim their innocence? Up!"
Suddenly he looks really tired.
I get on my knee again and lift his face up to see me.
"You are not touching this case", I say to him.
He is silent.
"You are not touching this case" I say a bit louder.
I get right close to his ear.
"I'm sorry are we having a communication problem here DiNozzo", I ask coldly.
"I'm sorry", he whispers, "But they're my family. I can't do nothing."
"Down!" I can't help but enjoy the wince as he goes back down. I stand up again.
"How sorry" I yell. "Up!"
"Really sorry", he says back.
"Really sorry", I question him, "That's the best you can do? You deceived me! You disobeyed a direct order, but hell, at least you're really sorry! Down!"
"It's the right thing to do", he grunts.
"Up! And what was that DiNozzo?"
"It's the right thing to do sir!"
"Down! Oh really? How do you figure that?"
"It's what you would do sir!"
"Hold it in the middle! You want me in your future Tony?"
"Sir yes sir", he grunts out sweat pouring down his face.
"Then you never ever deceive or lie to me again. You understand me?"
"Sir yes sir!"
"Up!"
"You understand me?" I yell louder.
"Sir yes sir!" he shouts back louder.
"Down! What are you not going to do?"
"Lie!"
"What?"
"Lie sir!"
"Up! What aren't you going to do?"
"I won't lie sir!"
"Down! Again!"
"I will not lie sir!"
"Up!"
"I will not lie sir!"
"Down!"
"I will not lie sir!"
"Up!"
"I will not lie sir!"
His voice is breaking and I can tell he is exhausted.
"You are reckless! Down!"
"I will not lie sir!"
"Up! You don't give a shit about yourself. Down!"
"I will not lie sir!"
"Up! I need you to give a damn about yourself!"
"I will not lie sir!"
"Down! You are insecure!"
"I will not lie sir!"
"Up! You will do anything to please anyone! Give a damn about yourself!"
"I will not lie sir!"
"Down! You are on my team because you are intelligent."
"I will not lie sir!"
"Up and hold it!"
I get down real nice and close.
"You will not lie to me!"
"I will not lie sir", he screams louder than before.
"You have worth! Down!" I stand back up.
"I will not lie sir!"
"No! Up!"
"I have worth sir!"
"You will not lie to me! Down!"
"I have worth sir!"
"You will not trick me! Up!"
He is flat out panting and groaning and making no attempt to hide his discomfort.
"I have worth sir!"
"You disagree with me, you tell me, down!"
"I have worth sir!"
"Up! You are not going to let yourself take the fall for this! You are going to defend yourself if they ask!"
"I have worth sir!"
"You are going to do this my way now. Down!"
"I have worth sir!"
"You have nothing to be ashamed of. Up and hold it!"
"I have worth sir", he shrieks.
"Your family's sins are not yours!"
"I have worth sir!"
"You will not lie to me!"
I get back down on my knee.
"I have worth sir!"
"You will not lie to me!"
"I have worth sir!"
"You are not an acceptable casualty!"
"I have worth sir!"
"Saving them at all costs is not an option!"
"I have worth sir!"
His arms are shaking holding himself for so long, but I ignore it. I grab his face one more time.
"Down!"
He goes down, but I keep holding on his face forcing him to look at me.
"You are not nothing! Up!"
"I have worth!"
"Down! You have worth!"
"I have worth sir!" His face is red and almost hysterical.
"You have worth! Up!"
"I have worth sir!"
I let go of his face but I stay on my knee and in his space.
"What was that DiNozzo? Down!"
He looks like he is in excruciating pain but he complies nonetheless.
"I have worth sir!"
"Up! I can't hear you!"
"I have worth sir!"
"What?"
"I have worth sir!"
I stop yelling.
"What won't you do?"
"I won't lie sir", he shrieks.
"And?"
"I have worth sir!"
"Take a breather."
He collapses onto his back breathing heavily. I run my hand through his hair and pat him.
"It's alright DiNozzo", I say gently, "It's over now. Everything is going to be alright."
I stop stroking him and get up.
"On your feet."
He is gulping for air like a fish out of water, but he stands up.
"Sit down" I bark at him.
He is immediately complaisant and sits onto the bed.
I pull the chair from the hotel desk and get right into his personal space. I nudge one of my knees in between his and position myself right near his ear.
"You do nothing without my express permission", I say slowly, "Do you understand me?"
"Yeah boss" he says quietly.
"I'm sorry what was that DiNozzo", I push.
"Yes sir, sorry sir."
"As of this moment Ziva, Mcgee and Abby are all coming to New York to assist. We will take care of this. You want to work this? You do it with me. You run everything by me. You do nothing without my say so. You rely on me. And so help me God you will not sacrifice yourself for some lowlifes."
"Yes sir", he says, "Nothing without your say so."
"You do not leave my side", I concede. "You understand me?"
He nods.
"What?"
"Sir yes sir."
"You are not allowed to speak Italian in my presence either."
He pulls back to look at me.
"Boss, what?"
I rearrange us so we are back to our original positioning. DiNozzo is much more honest when he isn't looking at the person. He can't watch my reaction and he can't see my eyes, so he has no idea how to play it out, he has no other choice than to be honest.
"I came here to support you DiNozzo", I say, "Not to let you manipulate me into hearing what you deem to be acceptable. I don't care about your family problems, I care about you, and if you ever put me in the dark again you will live to regret it, are you understanding me here?"
"Boss", he says uncomfortably, "My father, what he was saying it had nothing to do with you. He was mad at me, and I didn't want you to have to get caught up in the middle of it."
"You" I scream and I see him flinch, "Do not keep out of the loop. Are we understanding each other here? You do not intentionally blind me, I don't care what the hell your reasoning is. You're keeping me from the truth is a degree of lying. We are a team DiNozzo, you play by the team's rules. This is non negotiable."
"Okay", he says quietly. I come back into his focus.
"I'm sorry maybe you didn't get the point, do you need to do some more?"
"No sir", he says straightening up, "Sorry sir! No blindsiding you sir!"
"And speaking of language", I say, "I hear you curse again-"
Something is wrong. Tony is shaking.
"Tony", I prod.
"I have to go to the bathroom", he says like he's scared to death.
I get out of his space immediately, and wave my hand to the bathroom. He rushes off, and even though I expect it, I still wince when the door locks.
I haven't yet heard the entire story but the little I do know is that one day Tony was being punished, and he had to go to the bathroom. Whoever was hitting him as a child at that point didn't take too kindly to it and didn't allow him to go. From what I deducted he became so nervous that he just went. His keeper took even worse to that, which apparently led to one of the worst beatings of his life.
I only have this information because he told me once during a punishment session after he had flipped out that I wouldn't let him go to the bathroom. He had started hyperventilating until I let him go to the bathroom. When he returned I had exacted answers, and he delivered, afraid that I would just drop him completely for insubordination or believe that he was just trying to get out of it.
That was closest I have ever come to getting a glimpse into his more darker memories, and that was the closest I have ever come to seeing him cry. Anyway, from that point on I was sensitive to that fact and whenever said he had to go to the bathroom I just let him. It's not worth anymore psychological scarring. I do hate that punishing him creates that mindset but with DiNozzo sometimes you don't' have any other choice. You have to constantly challenge him.
I don't actually think he even has to go, in the sense of the word, when goes into the bathroom, it's just more of a psychological urge that something is terribly wrong and that it could get so much worse. I don't care though. He needs the time, and I will always give it to him. It's not right to torture people like that, because if I were to prevent him, it would be torture.
When he returns he is back to looking shamed.
"DiNozzo", I say, "Come here."
He steps forward, and I meet him the other step. I pull him into an embrace. He stiffens like I expect him, and he doesn't return the hug, but he sure as hell does listen to me.
"It's okay. We're wrapping this up, just come sit down and we'll be done."
I let him go and he returns to his spot on the bed. I sit back on the chair, but this time I stay in his sight. The point has been made.
"As I was saying", I say, "No more cursing."
"Hey boss", he says with some levity, "That's different. That's how people talk up here."
He's embarrassed, like he usually is, but he isn't calming like he usually does. His eyes are nervous and left leg is twitchy. The events of the day must be catching up to him.
"I don't care", I shoot back ignoring it, "You sound like an unsophisticated punk. You went to school, you're educated, you work for me and you will not represent yourself in anyway that doesn't reflect those attributes. You're too smart for that."
I have no doubt that he has no intention of keeping this rule, and he knows that I don't really expect him too, but it also reaffirms his status and worth on my team.
"Yes boss", he says trying to hide a smile.
And now for the finale.
I push him down onto the bed and lean down real close to him. I ignore his gasp, and put my hand right next to his head. I practically laying on top of him barely supporting my weight on my hand, but I don't care. I can see it's bothering him perhaps too much so I'm going to make this quick. His breathing has increased ever so slightly, and his eyes are shooting back and forth. Time to wrap this up.
"If you ever, ever, pull something like you did with that car, you and I are going into the ring until I beat it out of you. You are excellent at inveigling and deceiving, but you don't do it to me. You hate liars? So do I. You do it again, and you the two of us go to the mats. Am I making myself clear here?."
He nods, and I get off of him. He stays down on the couch for a bit and then runs his hands through his hair. I realize that it might be difficult for him to save face, so I go to the bathroom to take a shower and give him some space.
He took that well, so I'll give a little.
"Hey DiNozzo", I say in a neutral tone, "Look you want to keep on this case tonight right?"
He eyes me but doesn't get up from laying down on the bed.
"Yeah", he says tiredly.
"Alright", I say, "Why don't you call your aunt back and tell her that we'll make dinner, and then when we're there we can get some questions answered."
His face lights up.
"Yeah, you mean it?"
"Yeah", I respond and grab a towel.
"Hey Gibbs", he says, "What time is everyone expecting to be in New York, cause I'll just invite them along too."
"Maybe you should check with your aunt before you invite more people."
"Nah", he says, "She'll have enough, trust me. There'll be plenty of people over there anyway."
"Around eight", I respond.
"Okay I'll tell her to hold dinner until then", he says, "Boss, you've never had food as good as this, promise."
I smile, "Yeah okay, we'll see DiNozzo."
His face isn't laughing, "No Gibbs, it's really good."
Okay apparently food jokes are off limits.
"Yeah", I say as a peace offering, "I'm looking forward to it."
He sits up and smiles.
"Okay cool."
I make a mental note of telling everyone that they need to love whatever is being prepared.
NCISNCIS
I open the door and a bright flash goes off. When my sight returns I see Abby standing there with a camera.
"Gibbs", she cries, "This is going to be awesome!"
I nod my hello to McGee, and Ziva.
"Excuse me boss", McGee says, "I really have to go, someone wouldn't pull over."
"I wasn't not going to break my record", Ziva says, "Because someone couldn't hold their bladder."
"Well I held it", I hear McGee's indignant yelp from the bathroom, "If I have bladder problems in my future, I'm going to blame you."
"It's true" Abby says, "That can cause major bladder problems."
"I'm going to cause major problems" I grunt, "When McGee is finished we are going to eat."
"Oh", Abby says, "Chinese, like real Chinese!"
Great another one with a New York obsession.
"Real Chinese" I say tiredly, "Comes from China."
"Gibbs", Abby pouts, "We're in New York! Even McGee is excited about seeing the big apple, although it's not really an apple, it's more like a big-"
"Look", I say, "This is not a vacation. You hear that McBladder?"
"Yes sir", he yells from the bathroom. "Not a vacation."
"DiNozzo", I say, "Is royally screwed if we do not solve this."
"Where is Tony", Ziva questions.
"We'll meet him shortly", I respond. "And Ziva, how good is your Italian?"
"Ottimo", she responds, "Much better than my English. But Gibbs, I am going to require food if we are going to clean DiNozzo."
"Clear" I say absently, "And as for dinner, how do you all feel about Italian?"