A/N: I did increase the rating of this chapter for some sensual, but not overly descriptive, scenes.
"Oh my God, Bella," Edward whispers again. His breath hitches as he utters these words, and his trembling body crumples against me. We fall back into bed, clutching each other, and Edward buries his head against my shoulder.
After a while he quiets, except for an occasional quivering breath. I try to just be with him, to savor this moment, to silence the screaming questions in my head. But they prove louder than my patience.
"Edward," I begin hesitantly, "I know this is a lot to absorb..."
A soft chuckle. "You could say that again..."
I smile weakly despite the nerves firing in every region of my body, making me jittery. Words are fighting their way out of my mouth, but I force myself to wait a few moments, giving him the chance to speak if he wants. But Edward remains quiet, breathing against my shoulder, clutching my body to him as if clinging to a life preserver.
"We should talk to Carlisle. If this is...not what you want, then maybe...I don't know, maybe we could try..." The words suddenly stop coming, catching on my tongue. "To change you back." I freeze and wait for his answer.
His words are swift, urgent, spoken without a moment's hesitation. "No, I don't want that Bella." He lifts his head from my shoulder and peers intently into my face. I feel exposed, laid completely bare.
"You don't?" I venture.
"No." He seems baffled. "Do you?" Worry lines bridge the space between his eyebrows.
"Edward, I want us to be together. That's all I've ever wanted."
"We are together."
"I know..." I can't meet the intensity of his gaze. He's burning holes in me.
"Then what is there to question?" he says gently, pulling me on to my side so that we lay facing each other. "Bella, what's wrong?"
I take a deep breath. "I just thought, that maybe you would miss being a vampire. Miss the strength, the speed..."
He cuts me off. "Bella, none of that matters. None of that has ever mattered. You, you, are everything to me."
"But you were so quiet, after you realized..."
"I know, I'm sorry, it was a lot to take in." He pulls me to him, pressing his lips to my forehead. "But I'm happy, Bella, so happy." A soft laugh bubbles out of Edward's chest, blowing strands of hair away from my forehead. "I told you once that if there were any way to become human for you, I would do it."
He pulls back slightly to look at me, and there is no trace of doubt in his emerald eyes. I believe him.
"So much seems possible now," he says with awe. "There is so much I want to give you. I want to really be with you, with nothing between us. No danger, no fear of hurting you. I want to let all of that go..."
He slides his hand down over my hip, then moves back up along my back and into my hair. "I could so easily fall into you. I want to. All I want is you."
"I want you, too." I whisper.
"You don't regret what's happened?" He loosens his hold on my body slightly, unsure. "This didn't exactly go as we planned."
"No regrets." I don't let him put any distance between us as I wrap my arms more firmly around his neck. "I want you to be able to let go, too."
I press my lips to his, and he immediately deepens the kiss, slowly touching his tongue to mine. A shock courses through me, and I grip him. This is so new, not the feelings running through me at his kiss, but the way he's kissing me. My breath grows more ragged as his tongue explores mine, tentative at first, but then overcome. He moans, and I feel the desire course through us like electricity. I press my hips against him, and to my astonishment, he meets them impatiently, his defenses so easily overwhelmed.
"God, Bella." He moves his mouth to my neck." I want..."
"Hmm?" The word sounds more like a moan than speech.
"I want...to really make love to you."
His words send my heart soaring. Our lovemaking since the night of the wedding has been wonderful--shy, passionate as we've learned each other's bodies and our own, but somewhat muted, less inhibited as I know we both want. Edward still doesn't completely trust himself to keep me safe, although I have never felt more secure than when he touches me. Making love to him is like losing and completing myself at the same time, but Edward holds back; afraid if he loses himself for one moment, he will hurt me. During our honeymoon, on one of those nights where the closeness of the air makes it difficult to breathe, with a thunderstorm rumbling through the mountains surrounding our cabin, he had let go. But after coming apart inside me, he had said it was "too good," as if he didn't deserve that much release. Since then, he has been more content to focus on me, only occasionally letting me explore his body the way he endlessly craves exploring mine.
I gently roll Edward on to his back and leave a trail of kisses from his neck to his stomach, lifting the bottom hem of his t-shirt to press my lips to the groove below his hip bones. He is so warm, so soft, and the sounds escaping his mouth, my whispered name on his lips send amazing shivers through my body. So strange that I shiver now, now that all cold is gone, and there is only warm, glowing fire between us.
"Bella...wait."
Edward reaches for my face, and I crawl back up to him on trembling limbs. The urgency between us begins to dissipate with the look of slight concern on his face.
"Are you alright?"
"Yes, I'm more than alright. The feel of you..." He brushes my tangled hair from my face. "I'm just..." His head falls back on the pillow. "Still a little dizzy, that's all." His crooked smile doesn't quite reach his eyes.
I take a breath to call for Carlisle, but Edward stops me with fingers pressed to my lips.
"Wait, not yet."
"Edward..." I warn, "You're a little more breakable, now. We should take it slow. I shouldn't have rushed you like that."
"Love, I don't think you were the only one rushing."
"True," I smile, "Those pesky human hormones, always making trouble."
Edward softly laughs. "They're impatient, aren't they."
"We should still call..." I can't shake my worry.
"I know," he says, "go ahead."
Days pass, and they are days filled with more discovery than I thought possible within a typical human existence.
Edward is fascinated by the world around him as if it is brand new. His senses lack the sharpness he's used to, but Edward seems to love these softer edges. He says the world is no longer overbearing, no longer constantly bombarding his eyes and ears with information. Other voices are gone from his head and have been replaced with a very human ability to be able to tell, but not actually know, what someone is thinking. Smell no longer drives a constant thirst, and he buries his nose in my hair at every possible moment, happy to just breathe me in. Just me. No other desires churning beneath the surface.
And taste. Taste is like an undiscovered country. The Cullen kitchen has never seen such action, as I've been cooking for Edward nearly every day of his recovery.
Carlisle thinks his recovery will take time. He says Edward's body is brand new in some ways. Tissue is regenerating and healing, which requires energy that saps Edward's strength. He's up and walking now but is still weak. One of our evening rituals is to take a walk to the river behind the house and back. Riveting, I know, but it slowly marks his progress. We wrap ourselves in the quilt I brought from my old home and set out into the evening, pressing against each other to stay warm in the fall chill. Each evening, he leans on me a little less and we meander through the darkness, relishing in the person by our side. All barriers gone.
Edward and I are happy, but life is not entirely at peace in the Cullen household, or at least, not all members of the Cullen family are feeling exactly peaceful. Despite their shared relief that Edward is recovering, tension runs high among Edward's siblings, particularly between Rosalie and Alice. Unspoken words teeter on the edge of every conversation, and no one seems to want to be the first to speak, especially in Edward's presence for fear of upsetting him before he's fully recovered. Despite his still heightened perception of his family's thoughts, Edward pretends to be oblivious, and I don't have the heart to broach the subject with him. I know he wants to pretend our world is normal, to give me my normal human life.
Buthe must be thinking what everyone else is. What no one will say.
Our lives are not normal. My blood can potentially turn vampires back to their human selves, and I live in a house with six vampires, one of which has never been quiet about her desire for a human existence. Our family faces a choice, a choice they never expected to make, yet I feel as if we're standing at a precipice where decisions must be made. And made soon because our lives never remain normal for long.