AN: This chapter was painful to write. I mean it, I had a lot of problems. But thanks to my absolutely lovely beta, I got through it. It was writing the characters in this situation that I found very difficult, and it was with her guidance that I was able to get it done. Enjoy~
Aruiteku Together Forever – Chapter Sixteen
Sousuke sat up on the bed, Kaname resting with her back against his chest, settled between his legs. When she had collapsed, Sousuke had gotten up immediately, despite the burning he felt across his back from the movements. He couldn't even remember what it was he had said into the line before hanging the phone up. Then he used the last bit of strength had to pull her onto the bed the way they were now, and was leaning forward, using her for support to stay upright. His arms were wrapped around her waist and his chin rested on her shoulder so he could keep an eye on her face.
He was afraid. He did not like not knowing what was wrong, not when she had gotten a call from the doctor and then had that kind of a reaction. He was terrified. He knew her mother had died of cancer, though she had been quite a bit older than Kaname was now, but still, could it have been hereditary? He desperately wanted her to answer, he needed to know what was wrong, but he was scared to ask, and he wasn't even sure she would hear him anyways with the state she was in.
After what seemed like forever to him, though had only been a few minutes, she spoke up and put an end to his fears. "Sousuke," she whined, sounding helpless, "I'm pregnant." Sousuke blinked rapidly for a few moments, digesting her words. He stayed silent for a long time, not even moving. As the clock ticked down the minutes, she grew nervous. Just what was he thinking, anyways? Finally, her patience snapped, and she turned and yelled at him, voicing her frustrations.
"What are you thinking, Sousuke?! What do you think we can do about this? I'm seventeen! I'm not ready for this, are you?! I don't even know what I want from life yet, or if I'll even ever be allowed to have a life again! And like hell if I'm going to raise a child on a military base!" she panted for air, glaring at him with tears streaming down her face.
Sousuke stared at her, his mind racing. What did he think about this? What could be done? What could he do? What should they do? Kaname trembled in his lap and shook her head roughly, more thoughts tearing at her. "What kind of a life could we give a kid anyways? You nearly died, Sousuke! People are constantly trying to capture me, you're always getting shot at, there aren't any guarantees in our life, now are there?! The only thing we can be sure of is that our kid will have one fucked up existence! I don't want that, do you?!"
He came to a decision. He looked her in the eyes, his expression intense. "I'll end it."
She felt like she had just been sucker-punched. The statement seemed to come completely out of left-field. End it? End what? "Sousuke, just, just what are you saying? You'll end it, what?"
"Before this baby is born," he pressed a tentative hand to her stomach, his touch showing the nervousness his voice did not. "I'll end it. I'll end the danger. I'll make sure this world is a safe place for us to raise this child, to give it a life neither of us were allowed to lead."
Kaname stared at him, her own hands moving to her stomach as his words sank in. "We, we're," she paused for a moment, covering his hand with her own, "we're keeping the baby?"
Sousuke closed his eyes and took a deep breath, organizing his thoughts before answering. "Kaname, I, I don't know what being a father is like. I don't know what to expect, or what to do, but…," he took another breath of air and opened his eyes to look into her own. "I'm scared, Kaname. I am, this happened so suddenly, and I'm so unsure but, well. The baby, this, it's a part of you," he raised his free hand to cup her cheek gently and brush away her tears with his thumb. "You know I would go through hell to protect you, Kaname. All of you – this child included. I want to do my best by you, and it, Kaname. Please," his eyes pleaded with hers to give him this chance.
She stared at him in wonder, somehow feeling better at his words. She was still unsure, though she was more hopeful than she had been just moments earlier. He noted her hesitance and sighed, closing his eyes again as he chose his next words carefully. "Ultimately, it's your decision, of course, Kaname. It's your body, and I would not want you to do anything that would make you uncomfortable, upset, nothing like that," he took in a deep breath and wondered just how he could say what it was he felt.
Kaname nodded in agreement, but she sat back, drawing her knees up to her chest and resting her chin on them, thinking. Sousuke lowered himself back onto the bed, unable to sit up any longer, though he made sure he could keep his eyes on her. "Sousuke, how are you going to end it? You're injured, the Arbalest is destroyed, Amalgam is far stronger than Mithril and you don't even know where they are," she decided not to mention the Arm Slave that was in production, just for him. She had no idea when it would be finished anyway; she would not be going in to work on it with Sousuke here like this, unable to care for himself.
Sousuke fisted his hands in the sheets, glaring up at the ceiling. "I'll find a way, Kaname. I don't care what I have to do to get the job done, I'll do it. Even if I have to hunt them down, even if I have to become the person I used to be, I'll do it. I want to. You should not have to worry about whether or not you can live your life. It was selfish of me to take you here like this, instead of concentrating on ending the problem. I'll take care of that. I promise."
She stared at him in shock. She had never once thought he was being selfish, it always felt like he was sacrificing everything to help her. Yet here was, giving her more promises, more sacrifices, and blaming himself for needing to. Kaname trembled and unfolded her limbs from their position, stretching and laying out on the bed beside him. It was obvious his mind was made up, and he was even more stubborn than she was. It would be senseless to argue with him now. All she could do was try to convince him to be as careful about it as possible.
Even though it was supposed to be a secret even from him, she decided that now she would tell him about the ARX-8, "Sousuke? I, uh, there's something I should probably tell you, then, if you've made up your mind," he blinked and nodded his head slowly, wondering what she had to say. "You know how I've been helping the R&D department with something? Ah, well, I've been working with them on an AS. It's completely tailored to you, Sousuke. Al has kept track of all of your battles and helped design it to suit your fighting style, and I've been developing something that will help you a lot, I hope."
Sousuke sat up, wincing in pain, then stared down at her. An AS designed for him? That was absurd, although with everything he had been through the past year and a half he could certainly believe it. Still, though, it seemed ridiculous. Why would Mithril spend their resources to create something for just one of their pilots, especially when it had been in production while he was still the only one that could pilot the Arbalest? It seemed so very… inefficient.
Kaname rolled onto her back and looked up at the ceiling. "I know it sounds crazy, Sousuke, I thought the same thing. Do you remember saving a girl near Khabarovsk, just before being assigned the mission to guard me?" he looked thoughtful for a moment, trying to remember, and then he nodded. "Well, that girl was a Whispered, too. When she came around after the drugs got out of her system and she got over the psychological damage, she said she wanted to design something for you, as a thank you. That's what this AS is.
"She's been using Al to help with the designs and the architecture for the lambda driver. She created a really powerful system too, although we're still in the process of fitting it together so it's not so awkward. And as for me, well, I've been designing something that cancels out the lambda driver. With it, Sousuke, your battles against Amalgam will be based on skill with an AS, not 'magic,' as you called it," she smiled at him, hoping he would like it.
He looked down at her, the possibilities running through his mind. To be able to fight normally again would be a blessing. Not needing to worry about the enemy's lambda driver capabilities would surely give him the upper hand. Whenever he faced Amalgam, they always used that system far more than their personal skill. If it came down to it, he would win undoubtedly without that aggravating feature. He had been piloting Arm Slaves for eight years and always against the odds. That was always how he fought, too. If he assumed the worst he was cautious and conservative, allowing him to last far longer than most would.
Sousuke found that he felt more relaxed. The idea of having such a weapon available to him in the future appealed greatly to him. He lowered himself back on the bed once more, and sighed with relief when he found a position that did not press against too many of his wounds. "I am not getting up again today," he muttered. Kaname smiled sadly and reached out to touch his face gently and apologetically. It had been her fault that he kept hurting himself that day, when he really should have been able to just rest in peace and quiet.
She sighed and snuggled against him, careful not to press against him too roughly again. He wrapped his arms around her and held her close anyways, breathing in the familiar and comforting scent of her shampoo, having missed it since she had not used it at the hospital. "Hmm, Sousuke?"
"Yeah?"
Kaname fidgeted nervously for a moment until she heard him suck in his breath from her rubbing against an injury. She stopped immediately and tilted her head up to look at him sheepishly, "Sorry."
He grunted in response, waiting for her to say whatever it was that she had to say. When she stayed silent for a while longer, he spoke up, "Kaname?"
She sighed and rested her forehead on his chest carefully, "We should talk more about this."
It took him a moment to realize what she meant, and he nodded in agreement, "Yeah. I just don't know…, where do we go from here?" he sighed, kissing the top of her head.
"I don't know Sousuke, oh god, I don't know. What will my father think? And, and if we go back to school, what about our classmates? And schoolwork? What am I going to do about all of that?" she began sobbing again, her worries crashing down on her. Sousuke rubbed her back gently, holding her close while she cried. "They'll think I'm some kind slut, and, and, Sousuke, what am I going to do?"
He let her cry on him for some time, not really sure of how to respond. He did not know the answers to her questions. What would Shunya think? Would he be willing to continue accepting Sousuke if he knew Kaname was pregnant? Would their classmates shun her? Seventeen, in high school, and expecting, she was sure to be laughed at and mocked by some at least. Inaba would certainly rub it in her face. Assuming, of course, they even could return to Jindai.
A thought crossed his mind, although he did not know if he should voice it at that time. He thought maybe it would help ease her mind, but was going about it like this the right way? What was the right way? No one had ever talked about it with him before, but surely there was something more appropriate than just saying it. He sighed, running his hands through her hair, unsure of himself. Kaname pulled back and swiped at her face, muttering under her breath. "God, Sousuke, you must be so sick of me by now."
"Sick of you? Why would I be?" he blinked, confused. She was making no sense to him.
She rubbed her eyes and groaned, "Ugh, look at me! I keep crying at everything! I'm stronger than this!"
"Kaname… You've been going through so much, and you've had no real break. Of course you're getting upset, when," his throat tightened against his next words, and he forced them out, "when was the last time you were really happy?"
Her arms dropped and she rolled onto her back. She stared up at the ceiling while she thought about his question, and realized that it had been quite awhile, "Before we had to leave. I guess, well, I guess it's been hard to be happy when everything I thought I was just," she blew at her bangs, her face melancholic.
Sousuke understood just what it was. He knew she was unhappy there, at Merida Island Base. Of course she would rather be back in Tokyo, back at Jindai, back in time when everything at been normal, even if only on the outside. She had been happy living that lie, that she was a normal student, that she could have a normal life. He wanted to bring that all back to her. If only he knew how.
She leapt off the bed and ran to the bathroom. Sousuke sighed, although at least now he knew why she was throwing up. That did not mean he liked it, since it just added to her misery, and he could do nothing for her. Several minutes passed before she came out, glaring at her feet as she trudged back to the bed. "I guess I should go see Peggy again, huh?"
He blinked and looked up at her curious. "Do you need to, does something not feel right?"
Kaname shook her head and sat down on the edge of the bed beside him, lacing her fingers through his messy hair. "No, everything's fine. It's just, well, if we're going to keep the child, there are things that need to be taken care of. Ultrasounds, vitamins, regular exams, I'm probably going to have to set up a lot of appointments with her."
"Is it that complicated?"
She giggled at his confusion and nodded. "Yeah, Sousuke, it's that complicated. There's a lot that goes into carrying a child you know!" at least his innocence in the matter gave it some humor. She smiled at him, trailing her fingers down his face softly. The tender look he gave her melted her heart and she sighed, shoulders sagging. There was still so much to fret over, so many things to work through, but seeing the look on his face as he thought about their unborn child made her believe the decision to keep the baby was the right one. How could it be wrong when it made him feel so good?
Sousuke tilted his face into her touch, a soft smile on his lips. At first he had been embarrassed at his ignorance on the subject, but she had immediately soothed him with her actions. He really did not know just what went into carrying a child, but he was more than willing to find out. Kaname's stress, her fears, those had pushed his happiness to the side, but after she had come and started talking about it like that, with acceptance, he was able to let himself enjoy the news.
It was daunting, yes, he had no idea what being a father meant. He had none, Majhid and Kalinin did not count as models of what he should be like as a father, he felt. They were the kind of men that knew how to deal with a person like him, their treatment of him the only thing he could look on as fatherly influence. Raising a child in normal society was another matter entirely. He was still learning himself, how would he teach a child? That was, of course, where Kaname would come in, but he did not want to give his kid strange ideas simply because he did not know better.
Still, though, he was looking forward to it. He was looking forward to being part of a family, having a child and if he was lucky perhaps Kaname would agree to be his wife. It excited him. He never had family before. The closest anyone had come to family, besides Kaname herself, had not been anywhere near conventional. It almost felt as though he were becoming a normal person himself. He would also be somewhat eccentric by society's terms, but that was all right. He would always have blood stained on his hands, the past was something impossible to erase, but he would work through that.
Although…
"Kaname, come here," he had his arms open to her and a vulnerable expression on his face. He had seemed so happy and content just a moment ago, Kaname's eyes flashed with worry. She crawled into his hold, feeling his arms squeeze her tight and he took in a deep breath as though trying to calm himself.
"Sousuke, what's wrong?" she could not keep the fear from her voice. Had he changed his mind for some reason? Just when she had accepted the idea and come to terms with it? He had seemed so adamant about it, and now this, she was concerned.
"Do you," he coughed nervously, unsure of how to say it, "do you think that I'm, I, I don't know – worthy? – of being a father?"
She pulled back to look at his face, wondering just what he was thinking. "Sousuke, just where did this come from?"
He took in a deep breath, wondering if he should say it all. What would she think of him? Certainly she deserved to know, though. He should have said something sooner, he realized. It was unfair to dump the truth about him, his past, to her, when in this position. Better to do it now, though, while things could still change if she wanted them to. The thought pained him, and he was afraid. Afraid of losing her.
He realized just then that he was not quite ready to explain his past in depth. It was odd to him, now that he thought about it. It had never really bothered him before, but for some reason, the idea of talking about it made him wary. Instead, he decided to speak in broad terms. "I've done a lot of terrible things in my life. I can honestly say that I've never even considered them all that bad until now, and I'm not sure if that makes me even more of an awful person or," he sighed and shook his head.
Kaname placed a gentle hand on his face and smiled reassuringly to him. "Sousuke, your life forced you to do all kinds of things just to survive, right? You can't blame yourself for the things that you grew up learning."
"You don't understand Kaname. I've killed over a hundred people. Not all of them were guilty, either. Not all of them had done anything, not all of them could do anything more. I've killed people as they retreated; I've killed raw recruits that had yet to see combat; I've killed prisoners, people bound and completely incapable of doing anything to stop it," he flinched when Kaname shifted away from him, his eyes downcast and voice soft and mournful as he added the last. "I'm not a good person… am I?"
He sighed when Kaname didn't answer him, squeezing his eyes shut against the pain. Would he lose her because of what he was, even if he was different now? Was he even really all that different now? If he were put into the situations he had been in those days, would he not still do the same thing, to ensure survival and efficiency? Although in those days, would he ever have been capable of feeling the way he did now? Fear was something he had forgotten about entirely until meeting Kaname. She was the only one who could make him feel it, and it was always when he thought he might lose her.
"That, that's not who I am anymore, not exactly. The person I was back then… I don't think I could have ever felt this way. I never thought I ever would, not until I met you, Kaname. You've changed me. You've made me feel things I never knew a person could feel, you made me feel things I never thought I would again. The things you've taught me, too. How to operate in normal society," he sighed again. "I suppose that's just it, though. Normal society, that's not a place I ever thought I would belong, or would even want to belong to. Can I, now?
"For me, killing was a way of life; it was very literally 'kill or be killed.' It wasn't that I enjoyed it; it just had to be done. But, to the average person, to you, what does that kind of a past say about me? Am I monster? I never thought I was, but maybe I am. Certainly, if you picked a person off the streets of Tokyo, and told them my history, they would say I'm one. That I would be unable to function as a normal person, because, truly, what kind of a 'normal' person deals with situations in the ways I always have?
"I've been trying to learn, though. I know I still have some problems, I know there's still so much I don't understand, but I've been trying, really, really hard Kaname," he fought the urge to roll away from her. Her silence, her stillness, it was unnerving. She must have been thinking he was such a terrible person. He wouldn't blame her. "I'm sorry, Kaname. Perhaps, perhaps I should have said nothing. I just felt, I felt as though you needed to know. I do not want to keep anything from you, especially not," his voice choked, "not now. With this, I just, you had to know. But I'm not like that anymore, Kaname, because of you, so, please-!"
Kaname wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him, cutting him off. After a few minutes, she pulled back and gave him a sad smile, stroking his face, "Sousuke, you're no monster. It's like you said, that was all stuff you just had to do. And you've been getting so much better in Tokyo, you really have. Honestly, Sousuke, I can't think of a person anymore worthy than you to be a father. You're really so gentle, kind, caring, attentive, patient, understanding, protective, and, really, the list goes on. Everything it takes to be a parent, you have.
"I'm the one that should be worried, really. I get angry quickly, I jump to conclusions, I'm violent," she sighed and shook her head. Sousuke pulled her back into his arms, holding her tightly and pressing his face into her hair.
"I suppose we're both under-qualified, then, in various aspects to be parents. That's all right. We'll be doing this together, and haven't we learned that we can accomplish anything so long as we're together?" he tilted her head up to kiss her, running his hands along her sides, untying the knot holding her yukata shut and slipping his hands under the fabric to caress her skin. She moaned into his mouth and leaned into the touch, sighing happily as he slipped the cotton off her shoulders.
He trailed his hands along her body, wishing he could do more. As it was, moving so much and constantly pressing her against his injuries was proving to be extremely painful. He stopped and relaxed his hold on her regretfully, pulling back with a groan. "Sousuke, are you all right?"
"I'll be fine. I just need to stay still for some time," he eyed her naked body before him and sighed once more. He brought his gaze up to meet her eyes and smiled softly, "Thank you, Kaname. I love you."
"I love you too," she smiled and leaned forward, kissing him on the forehead. "No more feeling insecure, all right, you idiot? That's my job, I'll do your worrying for you, got it?"
Sousuke smiled at her and nodded, "Understood."
Grinning, Kaname sat up and kissed him again, "Good. Now get some sleep."
"Understood."
It had been a week before Sousuke was able to take care of himself, and another week still before Kaname was willing to leave him alone to work. They had not told anyone the news, not wanting to say something until the first trimester was over, which, oddly enough they found, would be around Christmas. Another three weeks and Sousuke was pushing his body to its limits again, preparing for another round of brutal reconditioning that was scheduled to begin yet another week later.
A few days before his training would begin, Kaname had her second appointment with Peggy scheduled. The woman had asked to be stationed on Merida; they could find someone else for the Tuatha de Danaan, for a year's time so she could work with Kaname. Even though they had their hopes about returning to Japan before, she had taken that time in case they could not. It would be easier to say she could return to her position than to need to request more time.
She had offered to stay since Kaname was already comfortable with her, which was important. Mithril had no obstetricians, either, and she felt that since she already knew the girl she would do far better by her. Many of the doctors there were far too used to dealing with soldiers, and would probably not give Kaname the support and advice she would need, nor would they make sure to brush up on their knowledge in the matter, which could make them miss something.
Sousuke went with her to this appointment, and his eagerness to go was endearing to Kaname. The look in his eyes and the tone in his voice when he asked about it made her think he was prepared to beg if she said 'no,' not that she would. It was hard not to laugh at him though, his expression reminding her of a puppy begging for attention – and that was probably the most absurd part of it. Sousuke with puppy dog eyes? She giggled at the memory, earning her an odd look from him as they walked down the hall to Peggy's office.
"Is everything all right, Kaname?"
She covered her mouth, still laughing, "Everything's just great Sousuke. I was just thinking about something is all." He nodded, turning his attention forward though he slipped his hand from hers so he could wrap it around her waist instead. He leaned down to kiss her awkwardly above her ear while still walking, making her giggle more. "You're so sweet," she smiled up at him.
Sousuke returned the smile, and then stopped before their destination, knocking on the door with his free hand. Kaname wriggled out of his hold, grabbing his hand again, and walked in first after being welcomed in, tugging him into the room. Peggy looked up at the two with a grin, "It's nice to see you again Sergeant."
He nodded respectfully, "Yes, it's nice to see you as well, like this."
She nodded with understanding, and showed them into the exam room she had set up. Sousuke watched absolutely everything with keen interest. Kaname smiled at him, the way he watched her so tenderly making her melt. He listened intently to everything said, answering and asking questions in earnest. Peggy was intrigued by his reactions, having never seen him so, well, human seemed the only way to describe it. He was normally so robotic, especially in dealing with his injuries, or those of his teammates, and now she could see just what it was that had attracted Kaname to the young man.
"I think you're both going to enjoy this next part," Peggy said with a smile. She did an ultrasound as well as measured the baby's heartbeat. Sousuke sat on the edge of his seat, completely enraptured by the images and flickering on the monitors. Kaname bit her lower lip to stop herself from crying. She had an ultrasound a month ago, when she was just over six weeks, though it was not as though seeing one then could prepare her for seeing another. The heartbeat was new to her though, since they had been unable to catch it in the last one.
Timidly, she turned her eyes from the screens to look at Sousuke's reaction. She lost her battle against the tears. Everything would be all right. This was definitely the right decision. She knew that to be the absolute truth now, and smiled warmly at Sousuke, who was completely oblivious to anything but what the monitors were showing at that moment.