VI.

"This kid," Barney declared, "is not your… uh…"

"Aunt's grandson," Robin finished.

"Hey, wait, I thought he was your second something…"

"It's the same thing," she quickly protested, looking away and silently admitting it was a mistake.

"No, no it's not!" He realized that he was on to something. "If this kid's grandmother was your aunt, then his mother would be your first cousin, and you so totally said second!"

"That," Robin insisted, "was an accident."

"Mu— er, my very, very dear and revered Aunt Robin, can I have a snack?" the kid said, pulling on Robin's sleeve.

Barney was suddenly even more confused. "Why does he keep saying 'muh' and then calling you Aunt Robin?"
"Er, no reason." She suddenly seemed even more uncomfortable.

"Yeah, like that's an excuse." There was an awkward silence. "So, why are you here, again?"
She sighed. "The network I was working for broke down worse than the US economy a couple years back. And then my flat set on fire."

"Ah, global warming," Barney absently responded. Then he remembered that he was in an argument.

It turned out he would be for the next several minutes.

VII.

Robin left for the store after about half an hour, leaving the kid with Barney. He figured she had intended to ask if the two of them could stay with him, but forgotten. Presumably, he thought, she was incapacitated by my awesomeness.

Then he remembered the last time she was incapacitated by his awesomeness, and just felt miserable.

Bobby was just standing around awkwardly in the doorway, not sure where he was supposed to be. "Um, er, may I please have a snack, sir?"

Barney snapped out of his internal thoughts. "Sir? Sir? You are not allowed to call me sir. That epithet died out with Barnabus Stinson in 1780."

"Well, then, what do I call you? Mummy said—"

"Wait, wait. Mummy?" Barney was instantly worried. "Forget about me correcting you, who's Mummy?"

"Erm, oh, great, I still don't know what to say. If I say 'yes', then Mummy'll be angry because I'm not supposed to tell you that she's not Aunt Robin. But if I say no…"

Barney was going through severe emotional turmoil, but managed to keep cool. "Um, call her Mummy."

Okay, he squeaked a bit; not that cool.
"Why? And what do I get to call you?" Bobby had somehow managed to get actually inside the apartment and was sitting on a couch, nervously picking at the shiny silver cushions.

"Well, did your mom say anything about that?" he asked, digging for information.

"Yeah, I think she did. She said I had to call you Uncle Barney, because calling you anything else would be so…. see… su… uh… I know this one… wait for it…." He furrowed his eyebrows together very hard, trying to think. "Uh…"

Suddenly, the pieces all came together. "I feel suicidal," Barney muttered as he began to collapse.

"Yeah, that's it!" Bobby said as the man fainted. "Suicidal!"

VIII.

"Oh, dear," Lily said.

"Oh, dear? Oh, dear? Lily, this is an 'oh, dear' moment like Ted moving to New Jersey a couple years ago was a 'darn, there goes another great bro' period. This is a 'what the totally-not-awesome hell will I do?' moment. And they let you teach kindergarteners…" He shook his head, then frowned. "Wait, how the hell can I be sarcastic? I'm a father! A motherfucking father! I can't do this! Doctor Phil says so!" Barney fell back onto the couch and stared, horrified, at the ceiling.

Lily sighed. "Well, Barney, I guess for you there's a bright side."

"Really?" He quickly straightened up to hear this. "Tell me that it is so!"

"Well," Lily explained, "since you're still a complete sleazebag with very few emotional connections to anyone at all, you can probably convince her to go back to Ireland—"

"England," Barney corrected.

"—England – but you can convince her to go back, take the child with her, and probably never see her again. Ted and Marshall and I would seriously hate this, of course, because we'd really love to catch up with Robin more than she's let us over the past couple years, but if you did it, it would be the best possible thing for you." She threw her hands into the air. "After all, we both know that that thing you had for her five years ago was totally just a phase, and it's not like in some cheap, clichéd way, you're still totally in love with her."

Upon hearing this, Barney collapsed back onto the couch and tears began to form in his eyes. Lily gaped.

"Oh, god, you are still totally in love with her, aren't you?"

"Of course not!" he insisted. "I…. uh… I'm just… er… You are disrupting my complete, total awesomeness! Leave, you vile woman! Shoo! Shoo!"

Like a kind woman, Lily left and closed the door behind her.

And then Barney cried. It wasn't like he could violate the Bro Code more at this point.