More angst in this as well folks! sorry!

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I hurt myself today

To see if I still feel

I focus on the pain

The only thing that real

I stared out the window as the rain lashed angrily against the glass. The weather had been awful for the past week and it had matched my foul mood perfectly. I leant my head against the surface, letting the cold glass sooth my fevered skin. I had drank almost a full bottle of Jack Daniels last night and I was feeling it today. I had been in the bathroom since eleven, throwing up all the alcohol I had consumed in the past few days. I felt like shit but I couldn't summon the energy to actually care. Life wasn't worth it right now.

I could hear my cell phone ringing in the next room but I didn't move to answer it. I already knew who was calling me. It was the same person who had been calling me every hour on the hour for the past week. He seemed to be getting about as much sleep as I was, I thought ruefully. I was exhausted. I had spent every night for the past week drinking my weight in liquor in an attempt to stop the dreams but it was impossible. As soon as my eyes closed I could see the huge silver wolf, howling desperately to the moon as it's familiar dark eyes stared at me sorrowfully. I had seen the wolf the night after he had told me the ridiculous stories, outside my kitchen window in the woods. It had been there at ten pm that night and it was still there when I came back at one pm the next day. It had scared me. Terrified me actually and not for the obvious reasons. The wolf's eyes, so dark, were his eyes. And that would mean he was telling me the truth. That would mean I kicked out the most important thing in my life and called him a liar and a crack pot while he was telling me the truth.

But then I would remind myself that people did not turn into giant silver wolves. I would tell myself to put down the bottle, because it was obviously the alcohol that had this effect on me. But instead I would pick up another bottle and try to drown the sight of the wolf out.

Even now, sitting here sober, I could not imagine the wolf was real. I was grasping at straws; so desperate to have Paul back that I was willing to imagine a giant wolf to justify seeing him again. It was insane. It just wasn't like me.

A knock at the front door made me jump and I sighed, closing my eyes. It was Mark. It had to be. He was the only person who had been here for the past week. I coughed as I headed for the door, feeling the tell tale tickle in the back of my throat. I was coming down with the cold. It was bound to happen when I spent so much of my time at the open window, allowing myself to get soaked with rain and then dried by the wind. I sighed and made a note to send Mark out to get me chamomile later.

The person on the other side of the door was not what I was expecting and I went to slam the door in his face but he caught it easily, holding it open.

"Abby, listen to me. Please."

He stepped inside, shaking the water out of his dark hair and smiling at me. I continued to glare at him, wishing that I had just stayed in my room.

"What do you want, Jared?"

"I want you to wise up and listen to Paul." Straight to the point. I would be amused if this wasn't so not funny.

"I want a boyfriend who doesn't make up the most ridiculous lies." I fired back. "I mean, really. Did you hear what he said?"

"He's telling you the truth." I scoffed at him and crossed my arms over my chest. I didn't want to deal with this right now. I had a gig that night and I wanted to have a hot shower and at least four cups of coffee before I headed out.

"Sure, and haven't you heard? I'm the wicked witch of the east. Dracula showed up and this thing sort of ignited in me and brought out my witchy genes."

"Stop being such a bitch." Jared growled. I rolled my eyes pointedly and pointed to the door.

"You don't want to hear it, then piss off. I didn't ask you to come in."

"No, but my best friend is seriously hurting because of you." I laughed bitterly. "I'm serious. You have no idea what he's going through and worse, you don't care. You won't even give him the benefit of doubt…"

"Are you for real? If he had shown up and said he was on drugs, I would have given him the benefit of the doubt. If had been in some sort of legal trouble; if he'd been involved with someone else… I could have handled any of that. But to lie to me like that? I mean, Jesus. Werewolves don't exist outside of Hollywood and fairytales, Jared. I can't go out with a guy who's that delusional."

There was silence before he shook his head sadly.

"He can prove it, you know."

His words lingered with me while I dressed for the gig. The black dress wasn't something I usually went for but after the shit week I had had I was in the mood to get drunk and work out my frustrations on Alex. He had bought me the dress last year, during one of our 'on' periods and I had never worn it. I knew he would look once and know that it was a sign.

My make up was heavy to mask the sickly look of my skin and there was nothing I could do to mask the lankness of my hair. I looked awful and I felt worse but Mark had insisted that we not cancel any more gigs so I was being forced to act as though nothing was wrong.

He can prove it, you know. How? How could he possibly prove he was a wolf? And why the hell was I even considering asking him to?

I groaned out loud as I packed my bag. I had yet to admit to myself fully how much I missed him. He was usually here when I was getting ready for a gig, sitting in the corner and making dirty remarks as I dressed. I could almost feel his hand caressing the length of my spine as I thought of the way he touched me; careful as if I was something breakable.

I felt the tears well up again as I thought of his smile; that happy grin that lit up his entire face and made him appear so carefree and relaxed. God I missed him. I missed him so much.

I dropped onto the bed, curling up into myself, and let the tears fall. I cried so hard that my entire body shook with sobs but I couldn't stop myself. I didn't know how to halt the tears or how to even slow them down. I was stupid for numbing the pain with alcohol. I should have cried it all out as soon as it happened and then I would be fine now. Yeah, Abby, keep telling yourself that.

I missed him so much! How had he become so essential to my happiness and well being in less than four months? Why the hell did I feel like I was missing part of myself?

A loud rap at the door pulled me out of my thoughts and I growled slightly, curling up into myself further. I didn't want to see anyone or talk to anyone. I wanted to lie her and wallow for at least an hour.

"Abby, open the damn door." Mark's voice bellowed through the apartment and I sighed. Why was he so damn insistent that we play tonight? At Jared's bar of all places. I froze, half sitting and half laying, as I realised exactly what he was up to. He had invited Paul to the damn gig. I knew he had.

"Is he coming to the gig?" I asked as soon as I opened the door. I felt Mark's eyes move over me quickly, taking in the tight black dress and heels. He shook his head and sighed.

"How should I know?" He snapped. "You had better get changed. I'm not letting you go to some sleazy bar dressed like that. And wash your face."

Mark was convinced I was bringing the pain on myself. He had come over the night I called him and held me while I sobbed but after that he had taken to trying to convince me to talk to Paul. He had finally told me to grow up yesterday when he caught me drinking vodka and Coke from a plastic bottle. I knew he had my best interests at heart but as my best friend, shouldn't he be on my side? Of course, I hadn't told him the whole story. I had told him Paul was doing something illegal and dangerous. I hadn't mentioned the wolves and I wasn't entirely sure why.

"I like this dress." I replied stubbornly. He narrowed his eyes at me and shook his head.

"Abby, go and put on jeans. Seriously. We're already late and I'm really not in the mood."

I rolled my eyes at him and stormed back towards my bedroom, slamming the door behind me. The tears were gone now, replaced by more anger. He had managed to turn Mark against me, Mark who had stood by me through every break up I had ever gone through. Mark had even taken my side against Alex, and he was his best friend at the time! How had Paul managed to win over the one person who was always on my side?

I growled as I flung my dress across the room, pulling on a pair of tight black jeans. And who the hell was Mark to tell me how to dress? I could wear whatever the hell I wanted. If I wanted to wear a black dress I could. I almost reached for the buttons of my jeans but pulled back, sighing. I knew Mark was looking out for me. He didn't want anything bad to happen to me, and Alex was classed in the 'bad for Abby' category. I pulled a vest over my upper body and grabbed my bag. I didn't bother to fix my hair or my make up, instead choosing to stand and glare at Mark as he spoke into his cell phone. He nodded at me and I threw my leather jacket over my arm, switching the lights off as he led the way out the door.

--

The bar was crowded by the time we got there, loud voices filled with laughter spilling out onto the street. I followed closely behind Mark, ready to make a run for it at the first sight of any tall, muscular, copper skinned men. Or women, for that matter. He had already sent Jared to talk to me, what was stopping him sending Emily or Kim? Would I listen to them, I wondered. If he had sent Kim, would I have paid more attention to her than I had to Jared? Maybe I was already prejudiced against him since he looked so much like Paul. They could have been brothers. It was hard to look at him and not see him.

I shook my head and silently ordered myself not to think about him tonight. I was going to get drunk, do my set and then find a way to sneak out with Alex and actually feel something other than this intense fucking pain in my gut. Then in the morning I would get up, shake myself and get on with my life.

"Hey there." Alex's breath hit against the side of my neck as he approached me at the bar and I frowned. Six months ago, Alex's breath on my neck would have made me melt into a puddle. Now it made me feel uncomfortable. It wasn't hot enough. His voice wasn't husky enough and he smelled of expensive cologne that made me gag slightly. I definitely preferred…. No, I wouldn't think of him.

"Guess Mark's been keeping you on a pretty tight leash." I teased Alex as I forced the thoughts out of my mind. He shrugged and lifted his beer bottle to his lips with a smirk. I studied him as he drank, wondering silently if I could actually do this. Could I sleep with him, the way I had when every other relationship had ended? It felt different this time. I had lost so much more than usual and I didn't know if it would be healed by a quick fuck. He would feel different from Paul. His hands wouldn't be as hot on my skin and his mouth wouldn't be as soft, as careful. For all the times I had had sex with Alex over the years, he had never made me feel the way Paul could when he touched me.

I growled inwardly again and turned away from Alex, looking behind the bar for someone other than Jared. There was someone at the end of the bar, serving a group of people, and I realised belatedly, with a jolt in my stomach, that it was Paul. His hair was tied up in a ponytail and he was wearing the same uniform as Jared. He turned away from the group he was serving and looked straight at me, dark eyes sad and scared. I was frozen on the spot. I could hear Alex's voice but I couldn't take in anything he was saying. Paul moved slowly towards the bar towards me and I panicked. I couldn't deal with this right now. I needed to get away.

"Hey, we're up." Mark grabbed my arm and led me away from the bar, shooting a significant look at Paul. I glanced over my shoulder and caught his eye again. He looked so sad. I felt the tears well up again and had to force myself to face forward. I couldn't just take one look into his eyes and suddenly decide that it was all okay. It didn't work like that. I was mad at him, for God's sake. The sight of his sad eyes shouldn't have this effect.

I let Alex pull me onto the stage and for one spiteful second, I consider kissing him. I knew Paul would see and I wanted him to suffer like I'd been suffering. I accepted the microphone and cleared my throat, glancing at Alex. He was my cue tonight and he nodded once for me to start. I opened my mouth and began to sing softly. Tonight's set was filled with sad songs. It was cathartic, singing my heart out in front of him… and his entire group of friends. I could make them out in the corner, a group of insanely tall, dark men and a few smaller women. Their eyes were trained on me as I sang and I fought the urge to scowl at them. I could feel Paul's gaze too, burning a hole through my skin. I finally closed my eyes and concentrated on singing, on getting my point across the way I knew best.

What have I become? My sweetest friend

Everyone I know goes away in the end

And you could have it all

My empire of dirt

I will let you down

I will make you hurt

Alex strummed his guitar softly, and it was only the sound of that that kept me going when I opened my eyes again. Paul stood at the end of the bar, staring directly at me. His hands were convulsing around a napkin as he watched and Jared stood behind him, watching carefully. Maybe Paul was in as bad a state as I was, I mused as I sang.

If I could start again, a million miles away

I would keep myself

I would find a way

I forced myself to remember that werewolves don't exist. That no matter how sad Paul looked right now, it was nothing compared to what I've felt for the past week. I let Mark speak to the crowd instead of me. I couldn't have said anything anyway. I was too busy watching Paul. He was ignoring the customers at the bar. He was ignoring whatever Jared was furiously whispering in his ear. He wasn't paying attention to anything other than me and it was unnerving.

I tore my gaze away from him and smiled at the crowd, hoping I looked convincing. Alex was beside me again, smirking at me knowingly and I returned the look, knowing that Paul could see me. A few more songs and I could get out of here. It was the only thought that kept me going for the next forty minutes.

By the time I climbed off the stage I was exhausted. I wanted to crawl into bed and sleep for a month. I followed Mark towards the bar, ensuring that I kept my eyes on the people around the bar rather than the people behind it.

"Hey Abby." I looked up and saw Kim' friendly face and I inwardly groaned. I didn't have the energy to deal with this right now.

"Hey Kim." I replied flatly. She winced slightly before regaining her sunny smile.

"You were fantastic up there." Kim told me. She was fiddling with her hands and I smiled bitterly. So they had decided to send her up against her will. It was nice to know.

"Thanks Kim. I have to go." I motioned towards Alex, who was standing behind her with an impatient look on his face. "But it was nice talking to you."

She looked surprised when I moved around her and accepted Alex's offered hand. We were almost out the door when Mark caught up to us.

"Don't do something you'll regret Abby." He told me softly, glaring at Alex. "I can't stop you but think about it. It ain't Alex you want."

I ignored him and pulled Alex out to the street. He was cackling softly behind me as we headed for his car. I was almost inside when I heard the door of the bar slam open. Paul strode towards us, an angry look on his face as he glared at Alex.

"You even think about touching her and I'll break every bone in your body." He growled. I shivered at the intensity of the words and looked at Alex for a reaction. He had that insane smirk on his face that he got sometimes when he was drunk and feeling invincible and I winced slightly as his hand came up to caress my neck. Like before, I didn't feel as good as it used to. I caught myself staring wistfully at Paul's hand, wishing that it was his hand stroking my skin.

"I'm already touching her." Alex goaded. I pulled myself out of the way just in time to see Paul dive at Alex, his hand curled into a fist that connected with Alex's nose twice. Suddenly Alex was on the ground, clutching his nose as blood slipped through his fingers onto the ground below him. Paul stood over him, his back to me. I watched him as he tried to still the shudders running through him, wondering if I should reach out a hand.

He turned to look at me slowly, his eyes downcast and I felt a little bit of my resolve slipping. He looked like a wounded puppy. Like I had kicked him when he was hurt. I felt myself shaking as I stared up at him, my gaze as steady as I could make it.

"Abby." I closed my eyes at the sound of my name and prayed for strength as his voice washed over me.

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The song belongs to Nine Inch Nails but the Johnny Cash version is the one i'm using. Let me all know what you think! Oh, Momentarily Infinite: Anaise is pronounced 'aah-ney'.