All night I stayed up, worrying about Ashfur. I lay in the middle of the camp, and no cat dared to tell me to go to my nest. Lionfang had sat with me for a while, until he left to go hunting with Cinderfur.

Ashfur had passed out, apparently, shortly after the patrol left. Brambleclaw and Thornclaw had to carry him back to the camp after Leafpool stabilized him. The day soon crept into sunhigh, and finally I was approached by one of my Clanmates. Mouseclaw dropped a vole in front of me and lay down beside me, warming my cold body with his own.

"You need to eat, Hollythorn." he reminded me. After a few seconds I tore into the prey, but I didn't talk to him. The memory of our heartbreaking conversation was still fresh in my mind. He purred suddenly, "Ashfur will be fine. Why don't you come to the den? You haven't slept in two days."

He was right. The night previous to this had been my vigil. My body hurt because it was so exhausted. I glared at him and hissed accusingly, "Why do you pretend to care so much, Mouseclaw?"

Resent and confusion struggled for dominance in my heart. Mouseclaw looked like he had been bitten. He growled, "How many times do I have to try and tell you? How many ways will I have to say it?"

I turned away from him and bounced to my paws, starting to stalk away from him. He pounded after me, wailing, "I do care about you, Hollythorn. I want to be close to you!"

I froze and glanced at him bitterly from over my shoulder. He glared right back and added sadly, "Every time I try, you just push me away."

There was something about the depth of hurt, and regret, and longing in his eyes that winded me with shock. How was it possible? How could he care so very passionately about me when I never let him? Was that love?

I didn't know what it was, but the thorny barrier I had built around my heart was suddenly stomped down. The coldness I held him in melted away. I turned back to face him and sighed deeply. "I'm sorry, Mouseclaw. Everything is just so insane."

I shook my head, and he braved his way closer to me. He purred and licked my ears. I allowed a small smile to spread across my muzzle. It was at that very moment that Ashfur limped out of the den. He froze when he saw us.

I pulled away from Mouseclaw and cheered, "You're okay!" Lifting my tail I bounced over to him and reached forward to touch his nose with my own. I was stung when he turned his head away from me and took a few steps back. He growled angrily, "What are you doing with him?"

I narrowed my eyes, tired of the suspicion. "He was just talking to me, Ashfur."

The large gray tom snorted. "Not from what I saw. Isn't it me that you love?" His body went rigid with fury and his eyes flashed. I suddenly felt like being so close to him was a very dangerous thing- though I stood my ground. Ashfur's voice became an eerie, shiver-worthy, whisper, "Oh, that's right."

The bite in his words actually forced me to flinch. He started walking away from me. I padded after him and demanded, "Wait!"

Ashfur whirled around on me so quickly that my fur fluffed in surprise and I shrank back, fearing he would strike at me. The genuine hate in his voice turned my blood to ice when he quietly warned, "Hollythorn, stay away from me." Turning around, he darted swiftly through the thorn barrier and into the forest.

Mouseclaw raced over to me and meowed desperately, "I didn't mean to make him upset with you!"

I flicked him with my tail. "It's okay, it wasn't your fault." He nodded miserably as I padded out of the camp. I asked Spiderleg, "Which way did he go?" Spiderleg nodded to the east- WindClan's border. Was he revisiting the scene of the battle?

I raced after his scent, following it closely through the slush of the thawing snow. I reached the stream, which was flowing dangerously fast after all this melted snow, and peered down the bank. Ashfur stood on the edge, looking into the icy black water.

I cautiously made my way towards him and asked, "Ashfur, what are you doing?"

He continued to gaze into the water, and he sighed. "I wonder what it feels like."

I took one step closer. "Like what feels like?"

He tilted his head, and his voice was both mystical, and coldly distant. "To drown. To have water fill your lungs and cut off your breath while you're still alive."

Panic thrilled through me when I realized what he was talking about. He was going to kill himself. Because of me, Ashfur was going to jump into the creek. ThunderClan cats can't swim!

"No, Ashfur!" I wailed. "Don't do it. Please, come to me."

He snapped his head to the side, and I flinched when I looked into his eyes. They blazed with a frightening disgust that made my skin crawl. I could tell immediately that this was not my Ashfur. The one I have grown to know could never look so full of loathing.

He demanded, his voice devoid of all emotion, "Then tell me you love me, Hollythorn! I told you I would die for you. I love you." He growled the next sentence one word at a time, dragging out it's meaning for greater emphasis. "I love you to death."

His voice, his actions, finally unveiled that cryptic undercurrent I had previously been unable to understand. He loved me too much. He loved me more then the entire world. He would rather die then see me with Mouseclaw.

I finally understood just how lost Ashfur was.

The smoky gray tom whispered accusingly, "Don't you love me, too?"

His words chilled me to my very spine. I felt frozen with terror and I swear my heart stopped.

"Say it!" Ashfur wailed.

I winced and stuttered, "I- I…"

I lost my voice. That's that I did. My silence said it all. A dark understanding fluttered across his face and he crouched, determined and ready to fling himself into the water.

I realized he was less then a heartbeat away from a horrible end, and I knew it was my fault. I had to stop him.

I hate you, Ashfur! I hate you!

Why do you do these things to me?

I never wanted to play your game.

I lurched forward and balanced precariously on the slippery pebbles. I nudged him back just in time so that we weren't both knocked right into the fast water.

I wailed desperately, "I love you, Ashfur. Please, I love you! I could never live without you. Don't leave me all alone."

The words slipped out of my mouth with such force, such emotion, I wasn't even sure myself if it was a lie. That was what scared me the most.

Ashfur grabbed my scruff and tugged me away from the dangerous water's edge. He purred, and then licked at my face. I trembled against him as I realize how close one of us, both of us, had just come to drowning.

Ashfur locked eyes with me, and I found myself completely pinned under his hungry blue stare. "Hollythorn, tell me how much you love me."

I swallowed hard, "More then life itself."

His eyes sparkled, and a smile spread across his face. How was it possible for any cat to look so sinister, and so happy, at the exact same time? He asked me, "Do you remember the day I said I would kill for you?"

Mouseclaw sprang to mind and my knees felt weak. It was all I could do to whisper, "I remember."

His eyes narrowed and he growled quietly, "I didn't mean that furball, Mouseclaw. If I wanted him gone, you and I both know he'd already be dead."

Both relief and suspicion flooded through me. My common sense screamed for me not to, but I had to know. "Who did you mean?" I asked him.

He turned away from me for a second, his gaze looking up towards Silverpelt. "Hollythorn, if I can't have you-"

His passionate, cruel eyes flickered back to mine and the other half of his sentence made my mind start to crack. I knew right then that he was on the border of insanity and determined to drag me across with him.

His muzzle pressed against my ear and he whispered, "-then nobody will."