Can't Stop the Rain

It was more than a trance, it was more than numbness, this was…nothing.

I had awoken from my dead-like state when Charlie had tried to send me back to Jacksonville, but in some ways I wish I hadn't.

These days, I went to school and work, but I wasn't living. I had to try my hardest to answer people, Charlie, especially. And though I tried to make my voice sound somewhat alive, I don't think I was fooling anyone.

How, how am I supposed to feel
When everything's surrounding me
It's nothing but a fake disguise

I drifted through my days under a constant mask, hiding the fact that I was fighting unimaginable pain every minute.

Even right now as, Charlie once again attempted to talk to me. "How was school today, Bells?" He looked at my face, searching for something, though I didn't know what it was, or have the energy to figure it out.

"Fine, nothing really happened." Not that I would notice even if it did.

"Oh, OK." At least Charlie knew that he shouldn't push for more information.

I cleared the table, and after doing the dishes, traipsed slowly up the stairs. I knew I couldn't put off the inevitable for long, but I tried my best to delay it.

I showered and got dressed, then crawled under the covers of my bed.

The deep curtain of despair fell once again as I lay curled into a tight ball. The walls I kept up constantly during the day fell away and I allowed my heart to become submerged in the bitter sweet memories of Him.

The mask I wore daily slipped and the torturous pain that it could never fully conceal broke across my face, twisting my features and making my head pound.

I was sure there was only so much of this I could take, the anguish that was in a constant war with my missing heart made it almost impossible to breathe, ripped my chest open and filled me with a pain so fierce that it was all I could do not to scream.

I don't know,
I don't know where I belong
It's time for me to carry on
I'll say goodbye

The morning came abruptly, along with the now certain scream that awoke me from the more concentrated version of the nightmare I was living day in, day out.

I took me longer in the mornings now; I simply had to lie in my bed, gathering what was left of my broken strength to make it through the day.

I felt no impulse to get up anymore; the only reason I did was for Charlie. I lived in my numbness, allowing nothing to break through. I had not felt any emotion even close to happiness in such a long time that I had almost forgotten what it felt like completely.

And now that my reason for living had gone, I didn't know where I belonged in the world. It was strange to me now that I had once lived life not knowing what was in my future. I had gone from day to day not thinking about my life or what I wanted to do in it. And then, then I found my future, in the form of Him, only to have it ripped from me when every thing seemed so right. And now I was back to stage one, not knowing where I was going or what the future held.

Once I had gathered as much of my shattered courage as possible, I knew it was time to start the day, for Charlie's sake. Once I had stopped dwelling on the memories, it didn't take me long. I almost had it perfected now; I was able to push them back and lock them up in the back of my mind, in a space that they rarely escaped.

I sighed, sat up, and put my hands over my face. It was time to say goodbye to the pain inducing memories.

I can't stop the rain from fallin'
I'm drownin in these tears I cry
Since you left without a warning
I face the dawn with sleepless eyes
No I can't go on
When clouds are pushin' down on me, boy
I can't stop, I can't stop the rain
From fallin

Once again I passed through the day trapped in my state of numbness. It wouldn't allow anything but trivia to settle in my mind. Breakfast with Charlie was silent, as usual, though I didn't miss the glances that he threw my way as I chewed slowly on my cereal, not tasting it, just eating it, anything to keep Charlie from trying to send me away again.

There was only one thing now that I could feel anything for - the rain. I had to be glad for the rain, as strange as it seemed. Even to my closed down mind, there was no part of me now that pined for the sun, because I pined for one thing, one person only, but I couldn't think about that now, not yet. I had to keep those memories sealed away in my mind for a few more hours.

I drowned in tears each night, I couldn't afford anymore today. I hardly slept nowadays. I wore myself out when my tears ran dry at night and then screamed myself awake in the early hours.

In truth, I wished it would rain everyday. I knew it couldn't bring anything back; He didn't want to come back. And yet, I knew I would stay here in this green, alien town, because it was only here that I could be sure my love was real and that was something I had to know, even if I never saw him again, even if he didn't want me, I had to know that. And so I wouldn't stop the rain, even if I wanted to, I couldn't and wouldn't.

So, tell me where I went wrong
I'm stuck inside a dream long gone
It's hard to reveal the truth

Once again, I lay with my bed cover cocooned around me as the memories crashed down on me. The worst one hit me first, guaranteeing tonight would be ten times worse than the night before.

The forest trail just in front of my house, green and enclosed, quiet and secluded. Him, standing tall and beautiful, with hard, clear topaz eyes.

His voice, telling me he didn't want me, wiping away all the promises he had ever made to me, except one – 'It will be as if I'd never existed`.

What a stupid, ridiculous promise to make! As if I could ever forget him! I knew it was my fault for what happened at my birthday party. My stupid, clumsy nature had driven my reason for living from my arms, from my life. And with him, he had taken any chance of the future I had dreamed of, the future that meant I would never have to leave him or him me.

Yet, even as I thought of this, I knew it was only half the reason. He had realised what I knew all along, that he was too good for me.

I could have told him that from day one, but I had honestly began to believe that it didn't matter to him, that he loved me regardless, and then, he had spoken those horrible words. My chest tore open once more and my night of hell started again.

Your love,
Is nothing but a bitter taste
It's better if I walk away,
Away from you

And then, the other memories came. The ones that had once brought me joy now stung like a bad taste in my mouth. The whispered promises He made had been wiped away as soon as he spoke those words in the forest.

I had to stop this.

I had to stop coming back to these every night, I had to lock them away and carry on. The nightmares were harder, and even after all this time I didn't know how to cope with them. I knew I should stop looking, stop searching for what wasn't there, but I couldn't.

I knew it would be better for everyone else, if not, for me, if I could at least start to feel something other than pain again, if I let the memory of him take a backseat. But I couldn't stop the fact that it was always there, always present, always hurting me but in the background.

But, as hard as I tried to let go of the pain, I knew, with a ferocity that overwhelmed me to the core that I couldn't walk away from Him.

I can't stop the rain from fallin'
I'm drownin in these tears I cry
Since you left without a warning
I face the dawn with sleepless eyes
No I can't go on
When clouds are pushin' down on me, boy
I can't stop, I can't stop the rain
From fallin

I was drowning again, gasping again, hurting again.

"Come back to me"

Was my last thought as despair crashed down on me for the hundredth night.

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