Honeyleaf and Poppyspots joined the nursery that night.
The next morning, I was sulking a little bit when I returned from the morning hunting patrol. Ashfur, his paws muddy from the border patrol, noticed my low spirits and came over to me. "Hollythorn, is something the matter?"
I shook my head, looking away from him. "No, everything is fine Ashfur."
"Are you sure?" He asked, sounding deeply worried.
I looked at him, forcing myself to look cheerful. "Do you want to go hunt?" I still wasn't tired from earlier, and maybe the exercise could work off some of my sudden kit-centric thoughts.
Ashfur silently followed me out into the forest. We tried to hunt for a while. I was so distracted that I missed two birds and a vole. I felt my fur fluff out in anger as the vole disappeared under some gorse. I snarled, "Foxdung!"
I felt a nudge of my shoulder, and found myself looking into Ashfur's worried blue eyes a moment later. He invited, "You can tell me, Hollythorn. I want you to."
His worried eyes and inviting voice ripped down my secretive barrier. "It's just that… It feels like everyone but me will be having kits soon." I knew that was not true. There were only two queens, but they were my friends. It really hit home to realize that my kits- whenever I may have some- would not grow up as denmates of my friend's kits.
His eyes lit up, and he purred, "We could have some! I've always wanted kits. I have to see Ferncloud have hers. And even Cloudtail and Squirrelflight…" His voice trailed off as he drifted into memories.
It was painful to hear how happy he was. I shifted uncertainly, "I don't know. I mean, maybe we better wait a couple of seasons…"
His head snapped up, and his blazing blue oceans started to drown me. "Why? I am not as young a cat as you are, Hollythorn. What if I don't have a few seasons left?" Desperation and panic gripped him; I could hear it in his voice. I could see it in his eyes.
It startled me to consider the idea of him dying. I never asked for him, and some part of me would always hate him, but he was still mine. He was my Ashfur, and he was all I really had. I didn't want to see the day he joined Starclan. Still, that didn't exactly change my mind. He was a strong, experienced warrior. He was a fighter on par with Lionblaze! He would live to see eldership!
"I don't think that I am ready for that yet." I argued, sounding more defiant than anything.
His dark half took over. His eyes clouded lifelessly and he snarled, flexing his claws. He had changed. He was not himself anymore. "No!" He wailed. "What if something happens to me? What if I die? My blood will never live. Our blood will never become."
A gnawing worry started to eat at my gut. I lowered my ears timidly. "Ashfur, you're scaring me." It was true, too. My heart was thudding painfully against my chest. I had never seen him so worked up before, which was really saying something.
Ashfur pressed his cheek against mine, and I flinched but didn't move away. He purred quietly, tenderly, "I love you, Hollythorn. Don't be frightened."
I purred back, rubbing my head against his neck. "I love you too, Ashfur. I would do anything for you, except I-"
Ashfur narrowed his eyes, the fierce mistrust in them shocking me into silence. His sinister snarl made me shiver. "Prove it."
The dead tone of his voice made m fur stand on end. My instincts kicked in on full alert, and I just knew that I was in danger. My paws started to itch anxiously, begging me to make my decision. The simplest and most primal of all instincts. Fight or flight. I needed to turn on him, or I needed to run back to the camp.
Ashfur took my motionlessness in the wrong mind-set. He padded behind me, brushing his shoulder against my flank. His teeth pinched my scruff firmly and I felt my muscles freeze up one by one. I was literally paralyzed by sheet, absolute terror.
Ashfur purred and commenced the breeding. I couldn't struggle against him, or attempt to flee. I couldn't yowl for help. Ashfur's very presence was too powerful for me to defy. He has his claws sunk deeply into my heart, and he owned my very soul. I belonged to Ashfur. I was powerless against him.
My mind was devastated by horror, and my spirit was broken too.
A quarter moon passed quickly. I had become Ashfur's puppet. When he wanted to hunt we hunted. When he wanted to sit and talk, I answered. Even after this long, I was in shock over what had happened. I didn't tell anyone, not even Honeyleaf yet. I was not ready to talk about it. For now, this dark secret was mine along to suffer.
On this chilly morning, I lay in the center of the camp when a sharp pain rippled through my stomach. I jerked and stood up, whimpering at the shocking throb in my gut. Fear washed through me. It couldn't be! Not after just the one time?
I padded into the medicine cat's den and found Jaywing sorting herbs. He asked, "What do you need, Hollythorn?"
I shuffled my paws a little. "My stomach muscles hurt."
He flicked his tail towards a spare nest of moss. "Well lay down so I can see what you did."
I glared at him. Why did he assume I had caused this? With a sigh, I lay down and nervously flexed my paws. Jaywing sat beside me and lifted a paw, gently starting to prod my belly. After a few seconds his sightless gray-blue eyes narrowed into concentrated slits.
"You're not cramping. Nothing is torn…" I could tell he was thinking hard now. A spasm gripped me again and I squeaked. Jaywing removed his pad a moment later and his face brightened immensely. "Hollythorn! You're pregnant!"
Before I could say or do anything he darted into the deeper regions of the den. A few moments later he returned, dropping some leaves at me. "These will stop the pains. How far along are you?"
I tried not to wince. "A quarter moon today."
Jaywing purred, nudging me heartily. "I'm going to be an uncle twice over!" I could see plain joy shining in his eyes. I knew I had to play along. It was going to be expected of me to be happy.
"Yes, isn't it just wonderful?" I asked with forced-optimism that seemed to tear my throat apart. Jaywing nodded with enthusiasm.
I left to find Ashfur. He had gotten what he wanted. All it costed was my body and my sanity. I hoped it was worth it to him. I hoped me could look me in the eye and honestly feel no regret.
At least then, one of us could.
After I told Ashfur the news, I sought out Honeyleaf. I had wanted to keep the happenings under wraps a little longer, but she instantly noticed the change in me. I suppose, having gone through it herself, that was expected.
Honeyleaf and I agreed to be supportive of one another, and look after each other's kits. She told me that she was working on getting over what Pouncefoot did, with Birchfall's help, and told me that I would move past my own experience.
I admitted to her that I didn't feel particularly like I had been attacked. Ashfur was my mate, and every warrior should have the chance to have kits. I was as okay with it as I possibly could be.
That same night, I lay with Ashfur in the den for the final time before moving to the nursery. He was curled up against me, his strong, warm body making my own feel sweaty. It was a hot night, with his breath dripping down my neck.
My hollow eyes looked out into the camp, and I had never before felt so cold.
A/N: I'm terribly sorry with the lapse in time between the last update and this one. I've been fighting against depression, and it tends to distract a person from focusing long enough to write a whole chapter.