Disclaimer: I don't not own Stargate Atlantis or any of it's characters. Do you THINK I would be here If I did?! So I do not in any way shape or form own any of the plot or the characters. They belong to whoever owns 'em. I just took the general idea for a test jaunt. So, don't sue me...not that it would be beneficial, as I am a poor university student, yadda yadda yadda.

Warnings: This is a Mckay and Sheppard slash story (Eventually). Thus, eventually the rating will more then likely change from Teen to Mature. It's angst, and seems like a death fic at the moment. Believe me people, it is not, so just bare with me here. Blame the rabid plot bunnies. Spoilers are considered fair game up to the end of the Season Three, and while this story doesn't really have a set place in the storyline, just consider it occurring at a time when Elizabeth was still on Atlantis, and Carson either didn't die, or this is his clone. (I usually just repress the fact that he died anyway! Heh!)

Authors Note: Please read and review. I am excited to see what you all think. I am open to comments, advice, and constructive criticism.

Those Were Not His Hands

Chapter Five – Almost Human Again

...Back in the Present

He was almost surprised to find neither Carson, nor Elizabeth waiting for him in his rooms. Despite Major Lorne's message, he'd come in half expecting to find both of them staked out on his desk chairs, worried, there to comfort and to question. There to demand explanations, answers....to ask the why's and the how's that he hadn't even begun to fathom answers for. 'Thank god for small favours.' He sighed gratefully, leaning back against the door in relief as the privacy lock clicked on behind him.

He needed time to focus, to center himself. The thought in itself was nearly laughable. How in the hell was he supposed to center himself when it felt like part of him had been ripped out and left bleeding on that geyser field. In fact, he was quite sure that nothing in his life had ever hurt this much. It felt as if someone had torn open his chest and scooped out his innards, piercing his heart and twisting the knife through it in the process. He was aware of each and every breath he took because he felt like he was inhaling glass shards. Just as he was aware that each day he was going to face from now on was going to seem bleak and empty without him. As Rodney might say, it was simply a scientific fact.

Yet, life went on and so did he. So, he had to focus, and center himself. Because if he didn't have this, if he didn't have Atlantis, this position, and these people...well then he wouldn't know what to do with himself. And it would really be all over.

Moving with forced purpose, he rummaged around in his desk drawer until he found his spare headset, fastening it around his ear; he listened to the general station chatter as he untied his boots. Kicking them off, he noted that like in the hallways and corridors, even the radio seemed too quiet for a regular Atlantis evening. Not that this evening was anything close to regular...But still, it was eerie, it made the situation worse. More real.

He paused in the act of taking off his shirt as Telya's soft voice came over their private channel. "John, if you receive this message please respond." He could almost picture her expression; her voice was strong again, composed. He almost hated her for it.

Sighing deeply, he shucked off the rest of his shirt, letting it fall atop his filthy combat boots before responding. "Sheppard here." He replied, gratified to find his voice strong and surprisingly steady to his own ears. That was something at least.

"John, I am glad to hear your voice." She responded after a rather pregnant pause. "We have been worried about you." She continued, her voice still the same infuriatingly soft and gentle tone, the same she used to calm a frightened villager or comfort one of her people's own children. But he didn't want to hear it. He didn't want her pity or her grief, he had far too much of his own.

"Telya, I was just in the middle something. Can I get back to you..later?" He asked, his words coming out far more stern then he had intended, his tone nearly making him wince. But regardless, Telya took it all in stride, and he could nearly picture her patient expression.

"Of course John, I understand. Elizabeth wished me to tell you that she requests to speak to you.. tomorrow, the time is for you to decide. Telya out." She finished, the sound of another voice, their words too muffled to identify rising in question in the background just as the connection broke off.

He shook his head in self disgust; he must have really worried them to have both Major Lorne and Telya on the look out for him. Elizabeth had obviously enlisted them both, and god knows who else in order to get the message to him. Any other day he would have been worried about having pissed Elizabeth off. But not today. Today he figured the universe owed him a break.

Soon after that thought he quickly rid himself of the rest of his clothes, practically falling into the shower, eager to be rid of the scent of burning, to wipe away the ash, dirt, and blood from his skin and his hair. He wanted to feel human again. He wanted it to be like it was before, to have those precious seconds of time return so he could finally do right by Rodney and right by himself. But most of all, he just wanted Mckay back. And somehow, in the grand scheme of things, he would have thought that the price of a single man, even one as great and as significant as Rodney wasn't really too much to ask..

He keyed the spray for as hot and as searing as he could stand; leaning against the cool metallic wall, his head drooped below his upraised hands as he watched his skin turn an irritated shade of red, the color somehow seeming all too appropriate. And as steam from the shower enveloped the room, shielding him from the rest of the world in a sheen of thick moisture, he didn't stop the tears.. And for the first time in many years, he allowed them to come. But as the first few renegade drops fell, mingling with the beads of water on his cheeks he promised himself that it was going to be the last time..

A/N: Sorry for the short chapter this time around. It was merely a transitional chapter that didn't seem to fit in with the last chapter, nor the chapter to come!