Disclaimer:I don't not own Stargate Atlantis or any of it's characters. Do you THINK I would be here If I did?! So I do not in any way shape or form own any of the plot or the characters. They belong to whoever owns 'em. I just took the general idea for a test jaunt. So, don't sue me...not that it would be beneficial, as I am a poor university student, yadda yadda yadda.

Authors Note: Please read and review. I am excited to see what you all think. I am open to comments, advice, and constructive criticism. I want to thank all my reviews for following this story thus far. Expect two or three more chapters and then I am going to wrap it up, this story is almost at a close.

Those Were Not His Hands

Chapter Seven – 'It makes me wonder if Angels cry..'

In reality it hadn't taken long to boot up his laptop and stick in the UBS drive. But it had felt like an age had passed him by as he silently cursed the hour glass that turned mockingly, end over end on his screen, finally unable to contain himself any longer he swore as his trembling fingers dropped the UBS drive again and again before he finally forced it into the slot on the side.

A small video file addressed to him was the only document the device contained, quickly double clicking it, he brought it up to full screen, his heart thudding in his chest as Rodney's image blinked into existence. There was no date stamp, so he had no idea when the video had actually been made, but as evidenced from the messy clutter in the background it was obvious that it had been filmed in his quarters.

The camera wavered a bit as the scientist reached forward to adjust it. He was dressed in his science expedition tans and blues, the same ones he had been in when they had crossed the Stargate into Atlantis, years ago now. In true Rodney style, he had notes, he was nervous and uncomfortable, his broad shoulders hunched in slightly as he ran a distracted hand through his hair, making it stand up in the odd tuft light brown tuft all over his head. But as always, there was that spark of determination under it all; strength that came from the knowledge that he could accomplish nearly anything he set his mind too. In all, it was Rodney. Pure and simple, even shifting in his seat, his neck flushing uncomfortably and his bright blue eyes darting from the camera to a point somewhere across the room, and back again.. it was their Rodney.. his Rodney.

Clearing his throat, he leaned over the table before looking up into the camera steadily. "This is a private message for Lieutenant-Colonel John Sheppard." He began, pausing for a moment to glance down at his notes, sighing deeply as he pushed them away in frustration, the slack of cue cards slumping over silently, nearly obscuring a coil of wire beside it on the desk.

"Sheppard...John. If you are watching this, well it is obvious that I am...I am de-..well no longer here at any rate." Mckay posed, stumbling slightly over the first few words, but gaining confidence as he continued, his bright blue eyes determined, looking briefly at something off-screen before focusing on the camera once more.

"And..I just wanted to say that whatever happened...whatever happened to cause Carson to give this video to you, it wasn't your fault. You of all people know that I am sometimes not the most observant of people when it actually comes to...well actually reading people..But I think...I mean I hope that I got to know you well enough to know that regardless of how it happened, you are probably blaming yourself. But don't.... Please, don't." He asked, his eyes searching, piercing, looking directly at him.

It was almost as if Rodney was right there and actually looking at him from behind the screen. His breathing, which had turned ragged, hitched in grief again as he sat frozen...only able to watch the screen. "Whatever happened, it wasn't your fault John." He insisted firmly, his arms crossing in front of him again, adding solid to his determined demeanour.

A pause played out as Rodney suddenly looked up, his gaze focusing over the camera to where the door to his quarters would have roughly been as the unmistakable chime of his door echoed throughout the small room. A few unintelligible words fell from his lips he reached forward, his flaring blue eyes clearly annoyed at the interruption as he briefly fumbled with the camera before the screen went dark.

The clip continued a few long seconds later, relieving his growing fear that Rodney had stopped there. For some reason, seeing him so alive and so full of life wasn't as bad as he had feared it would be. In fact, it relieved him, with his body slowly unclenching the vice around his heart a few notches as the picture focused on Rodney's desk chair again. The angle was different this time, and it was clear that this video was being continued on a different day, or at least a number of hours later. The light this time was more artificial, the windows in the background displaying the Atlantian night sky instead of the early afternoon from before.

This time he was dressed in his BDU's, looking as if he had just returned from a mission, the sight of him made him lean on closer to the screen, inspecting the man closely, unable to stop himself from trying to determine which one. The man had obviously attempted to clean up a bit before switching on the camera, but a streak of red clay-like dirt still smudged the right side of his face, but his continued on either uncaring of it, or simply happily oblivious to it. It was very Rodney.

"Look Sheppard." He began abruptly, his voice taking on that determined tone he often reserved for those times where they were all near death, in an impossible situation, with little hope for success just before he went pulled a miracle out of his ass and saved them all. "We both know that neither of us are good at this kind of stuff. At feelings and all that....But something's just need to be said. And for some reason I never got around to telling you this when I had the chance to before. You know...when it really counted. And I am sorry if that makes me a coward..." He said quietly, not quite able to meet the camera's gaze as he finished the thought.

No Rodney..you were not a coward. You were never a coward. And it was true, throughout the years Rodney had displayed incredible courage, against such fears, enemies, and situations that would have taken the very heart from him, from anyone. And despite his posturing and ever present vocalizations of his fear, Rodney has always come through for them, and for him.

"You were..well I wanted to thank you for everything. The team nights. Hell, even for just having me on the team..." He emphasized, a grin on his lips as he shook his head, clearly caught up in a fond memory. "But, I also for the other things, the beers, the pier, the movies, and you know, everything else. We were good weren't we?" He remarked thoughtfully, twirling a cue card in his hands idly, before it flipped away, fluttering out into empty space of out of sight as he cleared his throat quietly.

Yes Rodney, we were good. He thought silently, unable to stop a smile from forming on his own lips. Rodney tended to have that affect on everyone.

"Don't..don't tell. Ah hell." He muttered twitching in his seat, looking as if he was itching to pace the room, having second thoughts about what he was trying to say. It was almost painful to watch. "You know I suck at all this emotional, mushy stuff...Hell, I may not want to admit it to myself, but I do. But regardless I wanted to say..that is I wanted to tell you." He began, trailing off again, crossing and uncrossing his arms restlessly over his chest, fidgeting like he always did when he was deeply uncomfortable or when something was bothering him.

"Christ, I am technically dead if you are watching this, and I still can't say it..." He cursed, knuckling a large hand across his face in frustration. Finally he squared his shoulders, determination and that unique brand of willpower that only he could muster bubbling to the surface, shining out of his tired blue eyes.

"John, you were more then a friend to me okay?...You were...I cared about you...and sometimes I wondered if you..I mean I don't mean to just assume...but sometimes it felt like...Ah damn, I am sorry, this is probably not something you want to hear right now...I just, had to say it...And well, I guess I just did.." He affirmed awkwardly, reaching forward slightly as if to turn off the camera, before visibly pausing in the act to look back down into the camera again, his face close to the lens.

"And, Sheppard? Have a good life...No, before you laugh, I am serious. I think we both know that being alone is something, that in the end, no one really wants...not even me." He finished his voice rough again, the words thick and rushed. "Bye." He added, just before his BDU jacket enveloped the screen and the recording came to an end...