Chapter 5: The First Assault

THE MISSING LINK

"Okay," the director said. "Take twenty-four, and action!"

"Hi there!" B.O.B. said. "I'm Benzoate Ostylezene Bicarbonate."

"And I'm the Missing Link," I said.

"And we're here to talk about acne!" B.O.B. said.

"Cut, cut, cut," the director said.

"With a bit of acne cream, you can look just like me!" B.O.B. continued.

"No, no, no!" the director snapped. "It's a global warming awareness advertisement! Read the teleprompter, B.O.B."

"B.O.B.," I muttered out of the corner of my mouth, "if we have to do so much as one more take after this, so help me, I will freeze you, shred you, and sell you in little cups to passing strangers for 25 cents telling them you're blueberry snow cones!"

He nailed the very next take. You gotta know how to give guys the proper motivation.

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

B.O.B. and I drove home from the TV studio. Insecto was taking a tour of Yellowstone, and Doc and Susan were at home working on their gettin'-it-on machine. Which meant an hour-long drive alone with B.O.B. At least it was a Lamborghini Diablo. Can you spell "chick magnet"? I know I can. Even with B.O.B. counteracting some of the action by riding shotgun, it was still a bitchin' ride. Pleasantly, he managed to keep his mouth shut until we got to the open road.

"Hey, Link," he said seriously. "You guys never got around to setting up that lunch you promised. With the cake and the candy and the balloons. You know? Remember? The lunch? You guys told me…"

"Oh, that," I said. "We kind of assumed you'd forgotten about that."

He didn't answer, and when I turned to look at him, he was shuddering. "You okay, B.O.B.?" I said, concerned.

"That was weird," he said. "There was a kind of tickly feeling in my belly. It just came at me out of the blue…"

I felt a lurch on the back of the car and glanced in the rearview mirror. A young girl in a gray shroud and shades had jumped onto the back of my car.

"Oh, crap, this must be Jane," I said. "Hey! Twerp! Get off my car."

"We have no quarrel with you, Mr. Link," she whispered. "But B.O.B. here poses a threat to our secret. Stand aside."

"So I've heard," I said. "You're welcome to try, just don't hurt my car, all right?"

B.O.B. looked terrified at my apparent betrayal. "You're indestructible," I reminded him.

"Oh, that's right," he said, relaxing.

Jane glared at B.O.B., and he shuddered lightly again. I laughed, remembering what Edward had warned me about; what most people would consider total agony was nothing but a minor itch to B.O.B., if that. Jane turned her gaze to me and my smile vanished. Nearly a second later, my entire world caught fire. I writhed and lost control of the car.

"Kill me!" I screamed.

The pain ended, and I felt that someone must have taken me up on my request. Then I looked around, and it occurred to me that the afterworld probably wasn't covered in a blue haze that was impossible to breathe through. B.O.B. had swallowed me to protect me from the pain. He spat me out onto the back of the car, and I punched Jane in the face. She tumbled onto the road, and I went back to driving, breaking the speed limit as I tore out of there. I dialed Insectosaurus' cell phone and got his voice mail.

"Insecto, it's Link," I said. "You probably won't make it in time, but I wanted to let you know the Volturi have come." In the sideview mirror, I saw that Jane was running after the car, gaining steadily. "Call me back ASAP, pal. If I don't answer, it means I'm in big trouble. See ya."

I hung up right as Jane caught the car.

"Eat her, B.O.B.," I said. "Keep her inside you until we get home." He enveloped her. She struggled, but couldn't escape. "I'll call Ed." I dialed.

"Yes?"

"Ed, it's Link. We've got Jane here. We're keeping her prisoner for now. What should we do?"

"Ooh, they won't like that," Edward muttered. "Alice has gone to Italy to try to persuade them that B.O.B.'s no threat. Don't cause Jane any permanent harm, and just to be safe don't piss her off too much either. The Volturi understand self-defense, but Jane is their favorite big gun."

"You're weaving a tangled web here," I heard Bella say. "We may have to overthrow the government for this one."

"Really, don't worry about it," I said. "We can take care of ourselves. We're big monsters."

"Nessie wants us to help you," Edward said simply.

"Ah," I said. "Well, I guess you'll have to then." When the other monsters and I had met Renesmee, we had all fallen in love with her immediately, which apparently was the typical reaction to her. If she had asked for my head as a Christmas centerpiece, I would have given it to her, so it went without saying that her parents would help us at her request. My phone buzzed. "I'll talk to you later, Ed, I've got Insecto on the other line."

"No problem," he said. "My family should be at your house within the hour, I've called them. I will be there by nightfall."

"Cool." I switched lines. "Hey, Insecto."

"SCREECH," I heard him say. From that screech, images appeared in my mind that perfectly conveyed his meaning to me, which my subconscious translated into words. No one had ever been able to figure out why that worked for me but nobody else that Insectosaurus had ever spoken to.

"No, we're fine. B.O.B.'s got Jane in his belly, and the Cullens are helping us out the best they can."

"SCREECH."

"No sign of Alec," I said. "Maybe they split up."

"SCREECH."

"You're right. We'll keep an eye out. Where are you at?"

"SCREECH."

"Okay, I'll see you tonight. Bye." I hung up. "You still got her, B.O.B.?"

"That or the stuffed pigeons are coming back up."

I laughed appreciatively. He'd never eaten stuffed pigeons in his life, but you had to give him credit for attempted wit whenever it came up.