Chapter 16: Beach Bod
DR. COCKROACH PH.D.
I laid out my towel on the public beach and laid back. Insectosaurus was wading into the surf, while the Missing Link was on his favorite perch on the tip of his nose. B.O.B. was egging on two miniscule black crabs who were engaged in a fight to the death.
"All right," Link called. "And now the Missing Link is going to do a swan dive from a very springy nose 350 feet from the surface of the water!"
He bounced up and down on Insectosaurus' nose before executing a flying leap, landing in the water with barely a splash. I applauded Link as he shambled onto the shore.
"Excellent dive," I told him.
"Thanks, Doc," he said. He laid down on his own towel and donned a pair of sunglasses. He looked past me. "Whoa-ho-ho, check it out!"
I followed his gaze, then looked away as quickly as I could, but it was too late. The image of Susan striding forward in a sun-gold two-piece bikini had been branded into my brain, probably permanently.
"Dan Radcliffe in Equus," Link said.
I blinked as my mental image was replaced with the one Link offered. "Well-played," I said. I risked another peek at Susan, who was a few hundred yards away and clearly in no hurry. I looked down at my own swimsuit. There was no denying it was very cool; it was just past knee-length, and was electric blue with a black palm-tree design on the legs. The problem was the milk-white twigs above and below.
"Dear God, I should have worn a poncho," I muttered. "I'm just a scrap of recycled paper with a giant roach head."
B.O.B. put a hand on my shoulder. "You're not a scrap of recycled paper," he said gently.
"You don't know what recycled paper is, do you?" I accused.
"Does it matter? You're a skinny dude with bad complexion. Not paper."
"That's what I meant," I said irritably. "I'm skinny and pale, like recycled paper."
"Oh, give it a rest, Doc," Link said. "After all you've been through with Susan, you're worried what she cares about your beach bod? It's not your worst feature."
"Really?" I said hopefully.
He lifted his shades to get a better look at me. "No, I was wrong, it's your worst feature. But come on! It's Susan. She still wants to date you after all your terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible attempts to make up for the size difference."
"Really? Terrible times four? Thanks a lot."
Susan arrived and laid down on her back. "Hey, guys," she said. "What are you talking about?"
"Oh, Doc was just talking about your rockin' bikini bod, there," Link said. I glared at him, willing my eyes to shoot laser beams.
"Thank you, Doctor," Susan said with a smile. "So, will we be going out again soon?"
"Yes," I said. "I was thinking we could spend a weekend in Rome."
"Oh, that sounds terrific!" Susan said. "You're so romantic, Doctor." She bent down to kiss me. "I could get used to this, you know. Project L might not be necessary."
Link smirked. "Listen, Susan, I'm sure the doc loves you and all, but nobody wants their obituary to say 'died from injuries sustained during bad sex'."
"I didn't mean that," Susan said with clearly forced patience. "You know, whatever happened to heavy petting?" She tapped my head gently. "We're going to be just fine."
"Hey," Link suggested. "If you guys want some long-term alone time, you can borrow the vacation home that Esme got me."
"In New Zealand?" Susan said. "Thank you, Link. That's so sweet."
"Any time," he said. "I don't have much use for a vacation home."