VII.
"No. That is not going to work for me."
I looked up at him from my perch on the edge of the bed. "What do you mean?"
Eric stared down at my cranberry red lace bra and panty set and shook his head with disapproval.
"That," he said pointing his finger with an up and down swish at my midsection, "was unfair. You should have worn it yesterday when you arrived. But you put it on tonight and I have to talk to someone at 10 pm and now I'm going to end up being late. And it's all going to be your fault, Lover." He had a very mischievous look on his face.
"You could just take them off later, you know."
Later. Right… I couldn't even meet his eyes because I was almost quaking with silent laughter as I tried hurriedly to pull on my black denims. This was my third attempt to get moving since sunset and it was now well after 9 pm. I'd barely gotten to go kiss Bill goodbye between the first and second attempt to get going for the evening. Saying goodbye in the hall, wearing a bathrobe three sizes too big was rather improper, I'd thought. It had certainly seemed rather heavy-handed on Eric's part by having me walk out into the hallway in his huge robe to say goodbye to Bill. (Just in case there had been any residual doubts about the nature of my relationship to Eric or just how his I was?) And now I was seriously doubting I was getting out of the room this time either. First there was the problem getting out of the bed, then the problem getting out of the shower, and now? Problems with getting dressed? A hand belonging to the 'problem' grabbed my denims and prevented me from working them up beyond mid-thigh. I was beginning to think there was more to Eric's desire to have me there when he woke up than just being sure I didn't get all freaked out and run away again or to have the pleasure of waking up next to someone. Waking up with Eric appeared to be a long and involved, a very involved, process.
"No, these are coming off now, Lover. But those may be staying on for another few minutes so that I can fully enjoy them on you."
He pulled the jeans off my legs and tossed them over his shoulder with a chuckle. Then he started pulling off his shirt as he kicked off his shoes. It was a more casual night tonight. Black jeans and a red polo shirt. But the shirt was already off and was now somewhere in the vicinity of my jeans. He picked me up from the edge of the bed and after kissing me roughly, playfully tossed me into the middle of the bed. He left the remainder of his clothes on the floor and climbed onto the bed after me, with an evil grin and fangs that would have been positively frightening if I didn't know who they were attached to. I burst out laughing and tried to slip off the bed but he caught my right ankle and dragged me, while I laughed, along the smooth silk comforter back toward him.
"No escape, Agent Gordon. I'm thinking surrender is your best option here."
"Well, I'm just not the surrendering type."
"Oh really?" An eyebrow raised with doubt. It looked like he thought that was a direct challenge. He pulled my legs around his waist and pulled my hips upward then bent forward and kissed my abdomen. And then he tickled me until I thought I would never catch my breath. He was laughing almost as much as I was, though. He played with the lace straps on my bra as he kissed me and then flipped me over, unhooked the bra and started kissing the space in between my shoulder blades while his hands cupped and played with my breasts. "Any progress on surrendering?" he murmured as I gasped with pleasure. The bra disappeared just like the jeans had.
"MmmNnnnn," I murmered back, as I shook my head 'no' and then I couldn't stop laughing, in anticipation of who knows what he was planning next.
"So damn stubborn," was the chuckling reply as he moved lower down my back kissing me. "I'm thinking about what to say about being late… Luckily, I really don't have to provide much explanation for such things anymore. Everyone has to wait for me now. But still, it should be on your conscience, since she's your friend."
"What do you mean? You're meeting with Amelia?" I kind of froze.
"She's meeting with me about warding all our other properties and businesses. The wards on this building seem to be a success. We're going to expand use of Amelia's services. But, Lover, now she's going to have to wait. And I may have to tell her why we're so late. That it was all your fault. Maybe even hint at details of why it was your fault," he said playfully, running his finger under the edge of my hipster panty well below the small of my back.
"I'm sure Amelia is clever enough to figure out why we're late, Eric. Trust me," I said shivering.
I was apprehensive about seeing her. It was a bit of a mood killer, actually. But somehow, Eric just had a special talent for distracting me. He slid his arm under my hips and lifted me up higher and started removing my panties.
"Does the word insatiable have your picture next to it in the Illustrated Webster's Dictionary, Eric?"
He paused for a moment and replied,
"No. I thought you knew? It has a scandalous photo of the two of us. I'm surprised you haven't seen it yet. You had concerns about certain consequences for such racy photos, as I recall. It appears you were so right to worry."
Then he literally bit my ass.
Afterwards, while I was lying there with my head on his shoulder, trying to remember which direction I thought I'd seen my panties fly, Eric murmured,
"Lover, would you please check out of the hotel? We should stay together while you're here. Just tell your boss you're staying here. That agent can safely come here to check on you. We will be gracious with her as your guest. Or you can see her outside the compound at night. I'll send Rasul and Cadel with you but they can give you space. Or if you prefer in the afternoon, with Tucker's people. I want you here, with me. There's no reason for the hotel for the daytime when you could rest here and it's wasting your hard-earned money."
I sighed. The truth was that if I went with how I was feeling right now, and not with the nagging voices in my head, I'd check out of the hotel and stay with Eric. But part of me wanted the safety of at least the idea of that room. Eric seemed to sense my hesitation.
"How about I continue to pay for the room, but you stay here."
"No. No, absolutely not, Eric. That's just wrong. I couldn't do that." I was not having him pay for my vacation, and especially not for my empty room. But then I sighed heavily. I really wanted to stay with Eric. I'd liked waking up next to him. That was something I'd had precious little of in my life. Maybe I should just stop fighting what I felt, and what he wanted, and just try it. It wasn't like I was anticipating that we were going to abruptly stop getting along or anything. The worst that could happen would be that I'd have to get another room. Actually, no, the worst that could happen would be that I would be sorry I hadn't spent more time with him when I went back home to Alexandria. I'd already spent enough time being sorry I hadn't stayed with Eric when he last offered. But of course, it all came at a price. How much worse would it feel when I left and went back to my everyday life?
"Stay with me, Lover," he said softly in my ear. "I like waking next to you. Stay, min älskade... my Lover.
My heart literally fluttered. For once, I ignored the voice in my head, and went with my heart.
"Okay," I said quietly. I felt an internal quaver as I said, "I'll check out of the hotel and stay here with you."
I felt a swell of warmth from him. Then I immediately felt a moment of panic. I was giving in. Giving in to Eric. Giving in to my feelings. My heart promptly started pounding. He raised himself onto his elbow in the bed and turned to look at me, surprised.
"You're afraid, Lover," he whispered to me, looking puzzled. He stroked his hand through my hair. "What are you so afraid of?"
My eyes suddenly just brimmed with tears. What was I so afraid of?
"I don't know. I just…" I breathed in deeply. "Just forget it, Eric. I'm fine." I just closed my eyes and couldn't look at him. How badly had it hurt when Bill left me for Lorena? But the real issue was how badly had it hurt when Bill's interest appeared to wane even before Lorena. And I hadn't really even been sure I loved Bill at the time. But I was very sure I loved Eric. I was not sure at all that he felt the same, no matter what he said. And I had already had a taste of what it was like when he had left to go back to his life after I had taken care of him when he had been cursed by Hallow. Back then I hadn't understood that I was falling in love with him. I'd been unhappy, when he'd left and remembered nothing of those days. And then there was the past three long years of not even looking at another person because there was simply no point. In another week and a half I'd go back to my regular life and yes, it would be much, much worse this time. I was setting myself up for being really unhappy. I didn't want to be unhappy. My heart just pounded.
"You're really afraid of staying here with me, aren't you?" he said. "But why?"
I still had my eyes closed and could hardly breathe because my heart and my head were in such turmoil. Eric put his cool hand on my sternum and was just silent, for several minutes, his thumb gently stroking my chest. Finally he said,
"I never got to choose to be with someone I loved. I never had someone choose to be with me because they loved me. When I was human I married my brother's wife when he died. I liked her. But I didn't love her, at least not in the beginning. For sure, never in love with her. And we had no choice in the matter. It was an alliance of families. When Aude died, I looked around for the most practical match. That was right before I was turned. Then in all this time, after I was free from my sire, I chose… but not for love. And no one ever really chose to be with me because they couldn't really choose. When you have almost total control over someone, what kind of choice can she make?"
I lay there with my eyes still closed and said,
"So you 'love me' basically because you can't glamour me?" It was a hollow sense of vindication that Eric just liked that part of me because of the way it affected him. Because I was a challenge and it was flattering to him. But then it wasn't really love that he felt for me at all. No, he didn't really love me, I told myself. Not really.
"No. Well, maybe that is a part of it, yes, but really… No. I love you because you are smart, and you are brave. You have a real sense of honor, of loyalty and you are very brave. I enjoy your humor. Your feistiness. You are beautiful, but many women are beautiful. Beauty does not last, unless you are turned, but even then it is… different, maybe harder edged. Character lasts no matter what. You have character. I like you and that has made it easy to love you. I like few people. But I do also like it that you cannot be glamoured. That is true. If you are with me, it is because you choose to be with me. It is a compliment to have someone truly choose to be with you. But it is more than that. You are interesting and I have never known anyone quite like you. The more I have made you mine, the more I wanted you. I enjoy you. I love you. I want to be with you." He paused, then said quietly, "So I do not understand why you are afraid or how it is that you think I will hurt you."
I wanted to get away from this conversation.
"We should really get up Eric. It's probably after 10. We'll be really late."
"No. We should stay here and work this out now. I asked you long ago if you had a tendency to walk away when things get rocky and I've seen that answer, although I really can't hold leaving Louisiana against you considering what had happened to you. There are other times when you have shown more loyalty and kindness than I could ever have reasonably expected. You have stuck by me many, many times. But you've also wanted to run away from every serious conversation I've ever tried to have with you about us. That habit has caused a lot of problems and I really think we're not going to continue with it." His hand was still on my chest, cool and firm, making it very, very clear that I was not getting up out of this bed. "So tell me, Lover, what is it that you're really afraid of?"
"I told you I don't know," I said with an irritated edge that I couldn't help.
"Sookie, I can tell you do know. What is it? I insist that you tell me what the problem is. Whatever it is. Even if you think it will offend me."
I opened my eyes and saw that he was right above me, eyes glowing and his face looking cool and serious. I looked away, wanting psychological space but he reached up and turned my face back toward him and held it there firmly in his hand so that I could only escape his gaze by closing my eyes or shifting them away from him.
"You're being foolish, Sookie. This is beyond being stubborn. You said the other day that you had thought many times about how things might have been different if you had come to stay with me in Shreveport when Breandan's people were after you. What if you had? What if you had told me you were afraid and you wanted me to protect you? What if you had really talked to me? What if you trusted me? What if, now, you actually tried to make this work?"
I swallowed hard and cast my eyes downward, not meeting his.
"What would you have done if I was with someone else when Bill found me in Alexandria, Eric?"
He jutted his chin out slightly and paused a moment then said,
"If I thought you were happy, I would have left you alone."
"How could you even have known I was happy without talking to me? The bond?"
"The question is pointless. I knew you were not with anyone. Because of the neighbor and because of what Bill learned. And yes, I could feel you were not with anyone because of the bond. I could feel you. I watched you. After Bill had found you, one night I came to Virginia and I watched you through the windows of your apartment. You were so alone. Felt so alone. I went away and thought carefully about what to do. I tried to prevent you from feeling me then, and when I returned, in May. You never trusted the bond. Which is ironic, since if you can't read my mind, it was the surest way to know how I felt about you. But you have always thought it was artificial. Some vampire magic trick. Or just, in general, a trick. You have such serious trust issues, Lover."
"Are you saying you do think it's my fault that I was kidnapped and tortured because I wouldn't go stay with you?" I said crossing back to what he had said moments before.
"No. Of course not. It was your grandfather's fault for not making sure that I knew how serious the situation was when he knew you were mine. And ultimately his fault for not protecting you better himself. Why he left you alone in that house I will never understand. He could have left Dillon with you. Or Claude. He could have moved you elsewhere to safeguard you. It was my fault for not insisting you stay with me, although I did not want to do anything to coerce you since you were so resistant to almost anything I suggested. It was, perhaps, my fault for not having told you then, that night I was with you, that I loved you. Clearly. In English. Perhaps then you would have come with me. But I wanted you to say you loved me and you would not admit it, even though I knew you did. You, with your appreciation," he said acidly. He shook his head and snorted. "I thought perhaps you hated loving me. You were resentful of me, of the bond. You were so cold. So defensive that night. I was confused by your manner, which was so different from what I had remembered. I thought we would have time to work things out, but everything fell apart. Well, we are two proud and stubborn people and we have paid a heavy price for our pride and stubbornness. You especially so. And then you threw away almost everything. What if I hadn't found you? Hmm? What then, Lover? Were you so happy on your own, totally alone? You were merely getting by. Only half alive inside, so shut down to your emotions. And if you were really honest, you would admit it. Neither one of us has been happy with our choices made in those days. So let's work it out now, once and for all."
I was just silent.
"Tell me, Lover. Tell me what you are afraid of or what it is that bothers you. What is the problem?"
His hand still held my face. His eyes seemed to rivet mine to his. I felt him almost trying to mentally pull it out of me. I looked up at him and ground my teeth softly as he continued pulling on my mind, even though he knew I hated that and that it really wouldn't work. He was just showing me that he wouldn't let it drop. Finally, I just gave in and said,
"Bill got bored with me, Eric. He was already bored well before he returned to Lorena. You're so exotic and old. You've already seen everything there is to see. And I see myself as just an amusement to you. A challenge and an amusement. I don't even have to worry about the growing old part or any of the rational concerns of such a relationship if it were real. You say you love me. But you'll get tired of me soon enough. I just don't see any chance, really any chance at all, that this will end happily. At least not for me. I meant what I said the other day. I'll just end up brokenhearted. I never loved Bill. At least not the way I love you. You want to talk about someone who's bound becoming a stupid fucking Renfield? Well, I don't even need the bond. I already remember how bad I felt before the bond when you left. There'll be nothing left of me if I let myself stay with you. I was ruined for humans long before I met any of you because of my telepathy. But loving you will just ruin me for everyone and everything else when it's over. It will just bleed the colors and the life away from me. I already have three years of proof that I'll end up totally alone and it will be so much worse if I stay for any extended time with you. I don't even want to know how long this time is going to leave me sad when I go home. And part of me just hates myself for coming here at all, because I really don't want to be unhappy. But that's exactly what I think I'm going to be."
He waited to see if I was done. When I said no more, he nodded his head, looking at me with a faint smile. He kissed me gently. He released his hold on my face, stroking my cheek as he did so, and sat up.
"This is better," he said, still nodding. "This I can deal with." His smile broadened.
He bounced off the bed and tossed me my panties and then walked around the bed to hand me my bra and jeans. He picked up his clothes from the floor and started dressing. Then he pulled me to the edge of the bed and turned me around to hook my bra. He knew I used the middle hook on this bra not the inner one the way I did on the other one, I noticed, surprised. He brushed aside my hair and kissed the nape of my neck. Then he handed me the top I had left on top of my bag. I pulled it over my head and then pulled on my jeans as I jumped down from the bed. He was already dressed again. I slipped on my flats. I walked around the bed and brushed quickly through my hair as I glanced at my makeup in the full-length mirror on the bathroom door. It wasn't looking so fresh anymore but I looked okay and fairly unsmudged. Thank goodness I hadn't used mascara. Eric stood next to me and took my brush from my hand and brushed through his hair briefly. Finally, I couldn't resist any longer. I turned to look at him.
"So how are you planning to 'deal' with it?"
He turned to me with a twitching smile.
"I am going to prove you spectacularly wrong. And Lover, I am going to marry you legally. I know what want. I will not change my mind. But I will change yours. If I don't talk you into it now, I will the next time, or the time after that. You will believe me. If I waited three years just to see you again, you ought to have a better estimate of my determination. But no matter. You will see. Just try not to lose us too much more time together. That would be something you really should regret. Shall we? We're really approaching embarrassingly late. It's almost 11 pm. On the bright side, all of your worries about seeing Amelia ought to look like, what is the expression… small potatoes? after this little discussion, right?" He winked at me.
He seemed pretty happy as we walked out into his library. Just before we got to the door to go out into the hall, he swooped down and picked me up. He kissed me then said, with a merry smile,
"So delightfully wrong."
He kissed me again. Then he laughed, put me back down on my feet and took up my hand as we went downstairs to see Amelia.
Amelia and Pam were chatting in Pam's office while they watered and tended to Pam's orchids near the window that was no longer blacked out. As we entered they turned to look at us, then back to each other and erupted into laughter.
"We were thinking of calling for help soon. It's good to see that you are both still viable," said Pam wryly.
Amelia stood looking at me. She still looked the same, with her short, chestnut hair, bright blue eyes and tall, graceful frame. But she looked at me and shook her head.
"I really might not have recognized you. Pam's right."
I stood there for a moment feeling awkward and then she strode across the room and hugged me.
I met her eyes and said,
"I'm glad to see you, Amelia."
Then I had to turn my face away. All I could see in my mind's eye was Tray as he died. Protecting me, fighting because of me. Someone she'd grown to love, that good man, dead because of me. I still felt so guilty about it all.
Amelia stroked my arm gently and said, "I'm really glad to see you, too. I've missed you." Her eyes teared up and then she hugged me again.
"My goodness, now they are both leaking. Honestly, it's enough having Sookie crying all the time, but if you're going to start Amelia, I may actually have to send someone out to purchase tissues, which is simply ridiculous for a vampire's office. You both are so much trouble."
Pam walked over and took Eric's arm and led him out of the office, murmuring "I really can't fathom the need for such emotional displays but let's leave them to it for a while. Stefan has business for you and that Area 2 moron Henderson is back with apologies, fear and trembling."
Amelia and I sat down on Pam's couch and had a heart to heart talk. About everything that had happened that awful night three and a half years before and all the things we couldn't say then. About broken hearts and spirits and friendship that survives great heartache. We were still friends. She had never really blamed me for Tray's death as I had blamed, and still blamed, myself. She told me that he had wanted to protect me. That he had died a good death, and that in spite of her immense sorrow over it, that he would have been proud to die fighting for someone he held in high regard. I tried to fight the feeling that I was held in far higher regard by everyone than I deserved to be. I looked back on that time and did not like myself. I didn't like the choices I had made and the consequences of those choices. I would always feel that I had put Tray in harm's way without his fully understanding what he had agreed to do in guarding me. And that I should have forced him to see Dr. Ludwig for treatment of his poisoning. There were so many things I felt I should have done differently about those days. Amelia told me that I needed to let it go. As I sat there holding her hand, I suddenly realized that after my conversation with Eric the previous night, in which I talked about Tray, that he must have asked for her to come to meet with him in part so that she and I would talk, as well. Talking to her, talking about that time, just seemed to release something in me. I still felt terrible about Tray's death, but it felt less sharp.
After an hour we went looking for Eric and Pam. Amelia stayed talking business with Eric while Pam and I sat discussing books, music, fashion. As if she could see that I was very on the edge emotionally, Pam tried to cheer me up in her very dry humored way. She got me to laugh a bit in the end with her cutting comments about the various vampire reality TV style shows.
When Amelia left around 3 am, Eric sent an escort with her. We'd made plans to get together after I'd seen Nnenna Freelon the following night together with Pam and Eric. She was eager to have me meet her beau, Bertram. Pam said she'd join us because she was curious to meet him, too.
After Amelia left I sat reading in Eric's office while he worked. I started sensing that he was increasingly edgy about something. Finally, around 4 am, he told me I really should go check out of my hotel since it would be dawn in less than two hours. The way he sat there, waiting for my response, he looked as if he was poised for an argument, if necessary. I bit my lip. I had told him I'd stay here. I reminded myself that at the moment I'd agreed, I'd felt that it would make me happy to stay with Eric. It would be hard to take back my agreement to leave the hotel without hurting his feelings I realized.
Eric sent Stefan with me to the hotel. The hotel staff looked at me pretty oddly about my checking out, days early, at 4:30 am in the morning, in the company of the tall vampire, but asked few questions. Somehow, I managed to avoid any cancellation charges. Stefan dealt with most of it and had a very wry look on his face as we left. I got the definite feeling that he had glamoured the desk clerk into something but when I asked he just chuckled and took all my bags.
As we walked I asked Stefan where he was from. He was Swedish, he told me, and was about 300 years old. He had known Eric since the early 1700's and had been pleased to come and work for him. It was interesting to me that Eric appeared to have gathered together a collection of vampires who were largely, until very recently, European. I knew that Markus, Cadel and Andor had all recently come from Europe, as well. I commented that it surprised me that so many European vampires would want to move to Louisiana. He quipped that America was famous for fast food. Dining in Europe was much more formal. I laughed and asked him if that meant Americans were 'easy'. He turned to me laughing out loud and nodded with a playful grin, saying that I got his humor. Then he said that he was glad for the chance to work in the US. He enjoyed working for Eric and it was putting his skills to better use since the job situation in Europe was always a frustration for vampires. There was a lot of unemployment in Europe he said, and few guaranteed rights for vampires in the European Union. He said Scandinavia was more liberal but that it was really difficult to live there year round because of the short nights in the summer. Moving to the US, and the South, was ideal to him. Now that I was a bit more used to Stefan I could see why Eric probably liked him. Stefan had a sense of humor much like Eric's, and he clearly had a practical, business-oriented mind. I had an odd feeling from him, though, as if there was something more to it all. While he was considerably friendlier to me now, he still seemed reserved. I understood that and didn't ask more.
After we got back to the compound I sat in Eric's office again and sent Sara Weiss a text message telling her I had shifted accommodations and that she could come and check on me in the evening if she wished or that I could go out to meet with her and that I was going to see Nnenna Freelon at 9:30 pm the following evening. I told her if she was worried that she should run it by Manny.
Eric was low-key about my staying with him. I guess he could sense that the less fuss he made, the calmer I'd be about it. He told me that he had notified Bennett Tucker that the protection he'd arranged was being switched to a sort of on call status. He didn't say much else but I'd felt a pleased warmth from him when Stefan told him he'd left my bags outside Eric's rooms and then departed for the night. I suddenly kind of wondered what the other vampires had thought that I wasn't staying with him before. I wasn't going to ask, though. Pam came in discussed the plans for the following night. She was in rare form after finding out that I was now officially staying in the compound. Eric glared at her when she made a very ribald remark about the benefits of having the feisty redhead locked into his bedroom at long last. She promptly said goodnight and left but made a funny face at me when he wasn't looking. I continued to read while Eric continued to work.
In bed later, I leaned back against his chest as he wrapped himself around me. It was already close to dawn when we'd come back up to the room and I could hardly even keep my eyes open. His arm hung heavily across my side and his hand rested on my arm. We were quiet for a while and then I broke the silence.
"What did you think I was going to tell you earlier tonight?" I murmured.
"That you wanted children. That you hated the fact that I'm a vampire. Something that I couldn't fix. More about how you hate the bond. Or that you hate the all political bullshit in my life."
I chuckled softly. "That I hated the fact that you're a vampire? You have got to be kidding, Eric. It would be a little late for that one, wouldn't it?"
"Considering all the bullshit I have heard come out of your lovely mouth about the bond, frankly, nothing would have surprised me. If I had more sense, I'd be insulted by your doubting my feelings for you, considering our history. But luckily for you I'm not taking it personally. It says volumes about what you've been through is the way I'm looking at that one," he murmured. Then he paused and said quietly, "Maybe I was afraid you would never forgive me for not having been able to rescue you from the fairies."
I was silent for a while and then said,
"You did what you could do, Eric. You paid a terrible price for what you were able to do, too. What happened to me was not your fault. You protected me plenty of other times. I guess... It took a while to understand things. I won't lie and say that I wasn't blaming you back then for somehow having let me down or something. But it was unfair. Totally unfair. Then I switched to blaming myself for so many things. I guess that one isn't quite right either. But you had offered to protect me by having me stay with you. I didn't want what you offered because I wasn't ready to admit I needed more protection, or what it implied about you and me. Anyway, I do hate the politics. I really do. It frightens me. But that's just you. It's who you are." I was silent for a while and then said, "So my thinking that you're going to get bored with me and totally break my heart is just an easy fix to you?"
He kissed the back of my head then I felt him start to go limp in that odd way before he stiffened up a bit.
"Ja… min älskade… du har så fel..." he murmured softly. And then he was gone.
What he was saying? Was it Swedish? Norse? Part of it I recognized from earlier... My Lover... His arm was heavy around me. For some reason, in spite of my qualms about staying with him, in spite of my fears about what I would feel like when I left in a week and a half, I felt happy. Maybe I needed my head examined. After more than three years on my own, in only five weeks time I had gotten myself in deeper than I'd ever been with Eric. It was like he was an unstoppable force. And yet I was happy. Lying here, basically almost locked into his arms. And if I was honest with myself, when Eric was literally out cold as he right now, the happiness I felt was mine alone. When he was dead, or resting, or however you wanted to consider it, I couldn't feel anything from him. What I felt was really just what I felt, what I felt for him. No bond and I was still happy.
I thought about his text message from the day before. Getting a grip on me, indeed, I thought to myself. He'd gotten what he'd wanted with his grip on me. Me, staying here, with him. What else did Eric want? I wondered. I thought about what he had said earlier that night. That I was so wrong. Was I? One part of me wanted to trust his words, his reassurance. The other part, well... I was too sleepy to think or worry about any of it.
I finally fell asleep and didn't wake up until a bit after 4 pm in the afternoon. The room was pitch black, but Eric had moved a lamp to the nightstand on my side of the bed so I could turn on the light when I awoke, to make it easier to move around the room. In spite of the fact that he had 'fallen asleep' on his side, with his arm around me, I guess I had managed to move out from under his arm while I slept. He wasn't really rigid or anything. I picked up his hand and looked at it. The ends of his long fingers, and his fingernails, looked almost as they should be. The skin tone had evened out a bit more, too. I could still see the line demarking old skin from new skin but it was much less distinct than it had been even five weeks ago. But I guess it was pretty hard to tell now what had happened unless you really knew. I didn't feel like I was any closer to getting over what had happened to him because of me, though. I looked at his face and combed my fingers through his hair, pushing it back off his face. His skin was so white, and cool to the touch. I kissed him, and got up out of the bed. I put on my pajamas and then, after gauging the distance, turned off the light and went out into the library.
I had some fruit, checked my email, called my answering machine and talked to Rosie by leaving a message. I made plans to see Sara at 9 pm, read for a while and then spent some time organizing the poetry shelves in Eric's library. At 7:30 pm, I went back into the bedroom, stumbled to the bathroom. I brushed my teeth. Then I climbed back into bed, snuggled up to Eric and dozed until sunset.