Catharsis
By ArtisticRainey
They had been watching…something. It was a program apparently too boring to recollect, never mind to stay awake for. Leonardo's jaw pushed further into his palm as he yawned, his right elbow being forced deeper into the couch arm by proxy. He glanced at the collection of televisions, each advertising some kind of dating service for the over fifties. Thankfully the remote was still in his left hand, and he hit the power button. Each TV switched off in unison. Leo let his hand drop again.
He glanced over at the sleeping form leaning against his left shoulder. Donatello lay limp with his mouth open, an attractive line of drool inching slowly towards Leonardo's bicep. Super. It must have been a really boring program. Leo tried to shift a little in the chair without disturbing his brother too much. Donatello moaned and raised one arm as if to grab something, but it fell back down quickly. Slowly, Leo turned to steady his brother's head in his hands and stood up, gently lowering Donatello onto the couch. The drool planted itself firmly on the cushions.
Don squirmed a little and turned onto his plastron, mumbling something into the chair. Leonardo smiled and walked to the kitchen, flicking on the kettle. He would have a cup of tea before retiring to bed. He knew that he should probably rouse Donatello and get him to go sleep in his bed; a crick in the neck would not be conducive to performing well in training. Now that he was asleep, though, Leo didn't particularly want to wake him. Once asleep, Don hated to be awakened. Not a mere dislike, but a real, burning hate.
Leo reached into one of the cupboards for a cup. The one he chose had a large chip on the rim and was stained even beyond abrasive cleaning. The colour on the outside was beginning to fade. He hummed to himself as he grabbed a tea bag from the correct jar. He dropped it in the cup and leaned against the kitchen counter, drumming his fingers on the old wood.
As the kettle clicked off and steam wound its tendrils through the air Leo heard something loud and abrupt coming from the direction of the couch. He poured water over his tea bag and curled one side of his mouth in a smile. Donatello hadn't talked in his sleep in years. Or at least, Leonardo hadn't noticed in years. He didn't make a habit of dropping into his brother's room in the middle of the night. Which, considering there wasn't a peep coming from either Raphael or Michaelangelo, he was fairly convinced it was.
It was always fun when Donatello talked in his sleep. The usually intelligent turtle would spout reams of nonsense. Leo recalled a particular incident when his brother had told him that white-bearded gnomes were going to fall from the sky and start stealing garden ornaments in order to return them to their home universe. Leonardo spooned the tea bag from his cup and threw it in the garbage. That was a gem.
The best fun was always had when Don would actually respond to questions in his sleep. Once, when asked by Mikey where Klunk was, Don had assured his brother that the cat was at school and was going to do just fine in his SATs. There was no need to worry.
Leo walked back into the living area and sipped his tea. Don had rolled over onto his side and was in full swing now.
"'s really fine, Mike. I don't…no, no, 's fine. They're not real cookies. They're explosives. No, don't… I don't wanna give you a stomach pump. Serves you right. Y'never listen…"
Leo tried to suppress his grin and paused just before he made the turn towards his bedroom. Could he? Should he? After a few moments of deliberation, he turned back and sat down on the coffee table between the couch and the televisions. He took another sip of his tea.
"Don?"
His brother twisted his face in confusion, but didn't answer.
"Donnie? It's me, Leo."
"Hi Leo. 'Sup? You get away from the flesh-eating daisies okay?"
Leo chuckled.
"Yeah, Don. I did. How's Klunk? Did he pass his exams?"
"'s dead. Had to dig a hole an' bury him. Dead."
Leo's brow crinkled.
"How did he die?"
"'Splosion. Mikey ate some of my 'splosive cookies. S'm'own fault. Shouldnda put napalm in snacks. Stupid."
"Maybe not do that again?" Leo asked, shaking his head.
"Just stupid. Always just stupid. Stupid Don's stupid brain. Stupid…"
"You aren't stupid," Leo said. "Didn't you find a way to stop the gnomes stealing people's garden furniture?"
"Wasn' me. Was the Fairy Cowmother. She knew…"
Leo shook his head again.
"You want to come to bed?"
"Only if you don' leave me. I don't like… Alone."
"C'mon, sleepy," Leo said, standing and reaching out to grab one of Don's wrists.
The sleeping turtle complied and stood, and Leo put and arm around his shoulders to support his brother's weight. They walked slowly, but Leo managed to slosh tea over the sides of the cup regardless. He deposited Donatello on his bed and pulled the blanket up to his shoulders.
"Goodnight, sweet prince," Leo said, sticking his tongue out even though Don couldn't see.
"Don't leave…" Don said, reaching out one hand again. "They're…they'll…I can't..."
"The gnomes? I don't think they're the vengeful type. You're safe with me, Don," he said.
He turned slowly and paused at the bedroom door. Donatello let his arm drop and turned over in bed to face the wall. Leo shook his head once more, before heading off to his own room. The air was filled with the quiet sounds of his footfalls, and a tiny whimper.
"Don' leave…"
***
"Excellent, Michaelangelo!"
Splinter leaned on his walking stick with both hands as he watched his sons spar in the dojo.
"Donatello, your block was superb."
Leonardo cast a fleeting glance from his own combat with Raphael at the other pair of ninja. They were nothing but a blur of green in his periphery. He used his katana to stop one of Raphael's sai closing in on his leg, and he pivoted on one foot, thrusting the other up towards his brother's face.
"Good, Leonardo!"
Raphael flipped backwards, and the two found themselves staring each other down. After a brief respite, the fight continued. The rest of the practice passed in much the same way. Neither he nor Raphael had been able to inflict any serious attacks on one another. Donatello had gone down once, and Mikey none.
"Today has been a fruitful practice, my sons," Splinter said as they lined up side-by-side in front of him as the session drew to a close. "Together, your strength grows ten-fold each day. I am proud." After a few minutes' silence, Splinter finally said, "you are dismissed."
"Yes, Sensei," the four brothers chorused.
They bowed, and Leonardo gave his master a slight nod. He was, as always, the last to leave. Raphael and Michaelangelo made a bee-line for the couch, and there was an ensuing scuffle over who would gain control of the TV remote. With a gleeful cry, Mikey seized the small plastic rectangle and flicked the televisions on. Raphael groaned as a bright, flashing cartoon lit up the screens. Leonardo chuckled. It was good to be home.
He walked past the scowling Raph and beaming Mike and headed towards the bathroom. He pushed the door open but stopped when he realised he wasn't alone. Donatello was bent over the sink with one tap running and one hand covering his eyes. He then splashed water over his face and turned the tap off. He reached for a nearby towel and turned as he dried off. When he lowered the towel, he jumped back.
"Geez, Leo. I wasn't expecting you there," he said, his face reddening slightly.
"Sorry," Leonardo said, before cocking his head to one side. "You alright?"
"Hmm? Oh, I'm fine," Don said as he hung the towel back on its rail. "Just a little tired. Same as you, I guess."
"Yeah… Are you sure? You look a little pale."
"Yep," Don said. He clapped his brother on the shoulder as he walked past. "Never better."
Leonardo watched as Donatello exited the bathroom and headed in the direction of the living area. He shook of the strange feeling that had enveloped him with a cold suddenness, and closed the bathroom door.
***
The slow slump of a head on his shoulder meant that Donatello had once more fallen asleep. Leonardo turned slightly to get a better look at his brother's face. He looked normal. However, Leo couldn't help but feel that something was different. Maybe not wrong, but definitely different.
For one thing, Don has been falling asleep a lot recently. He wasn't normally one for naps, but Leonardo found his brother curled up on the couch or slumped over his computer desk at least once every few days. He had also been off his food since…well, since Leo had returned, it would seem. It wasn't like his brother was losing weight, but the way he pushed food around his plate with indifference was definitely not usual Don-behaviour. Leo slowly let out a held breath and he furrowed his brow. Strange.
Leo felt the need to shift in the chair lest his left buttock completely lose feeling, but somehow he couldn't bring himself to move. Donatello nuzzled into his shoulder and let out a soft sigh. He really couldn't bring himself to move. Just as long as there was no drool…
The sound of the refrigerator door opening caught his attention, and he cast his glance over his shoulder. Michaelangelo looked over and gave him a thumbs-up.
"Midnight snack, dude. You want anything?"
"No thanks, Mike," Leo said, perhaps softer than was necessary.
Michaelangelo prepared himself a sandwich and came over to the pair of brothers, sitting down on the coffee table as Leo himself had done several nights before. He took a carnivorous bite.
"Mikey, have you noticed anything…different about Donnie, recently?" He asked.
Michaelangelo's chewing slowed slightly, and he gulped down his food.
"Not recently, no," he said slowly.
Leonardo was about to say something more, but Donatello shifted against his shoulder and reached out to grab his forearm.
"Mikey…please, I've told you, don't…"
Leo flexed his arm under his brother's mild grip and pinned Mike with a glare.
"When did this start up again?"
"A while ago," Mike said, and took an even bigger bite.
"Please…don'…don' do it… 'S not food… 'Member Klunk…"
Leonardo raised his free arm up and slowly patted it on Donatello's hand.
"It's okay. Mikey isn't eating anything – stupid," he added, throwing Michaelangelo a grin.
"Can't…can't keep 'im safe…all th' time…"
"You don't have to."
Don snuggled a little further into Leo's shoulder and squeezed his arm. Michaelangelo finally swallowed his mouthful and set his eyes on Donatello's sleeping form.
"He has a lot of nightmares," he said.
Leonardo's face pulled into a scowl.
"He does?"
"Yeah. I think that's why he sleeps so much during the day. As well as…"
Leo raised an eyeridge at his brother and circled his free hand around.
"As well as?"
Mikey sighed and set his sandwich down beside him. He leant forward and set one hand on Donatello's shoulder.
"Hey, Donnie. Where's Leo?"
"'S gone. Always gone."
"How do you feel about him?"
"Hate 'im. Hate that he left…left me."
Leonardo's jaw fell, and he stared at Mikey. His brother's face crumpled up like paper in fire, and he withdrew his hand.
"He took it real hard when you said you weren't coming back, Leo," he said. "Like, it was hard enough when you were gone for a reason, but after… He kinda felt, I dunno, like…he had to be you as well. Had to try and keep us all in line and be the leader. And Raph kept disappearing and coming back all bruised and cut. Donnie had to fix him up every time. And eventually…"
Leo nodded his head.
"Eventually?"
"Donnie…Donnie's sick, bro. He's got, like, depression."
"Depression?" Leo felt like he could only parrot words back.
"Yeah. He's pretty sure that's what it is. The only thing is, we can't get hold of the meds he needs, so… He hasn't been as bad since you got back. But it wasn't the quick fix I had hoped it would be. Though he knew that."
"I…had no idea," Leo said when he found his voice again.
"Yeah, neither did I, until I found him in the bathroom, like, holding a knife."
"Holding a knife?" Leo asked, jostling the sleeping turtle on his shoulder.
"Hey, hey, watch it," Michaelangelo said, reaching out a steadying hand to Don's arm. "Yeah. He had a knife. Was holding it to his wrist. He saw me in the mirror and just kind of…lost it. Collapsed into a ball on the floor and didn't stop crying for like, an hour. I was so scared. Like, it was so not Don."
Leonardo swallowed the lump that had formed in his throat.
"I can't believe Don would consider hurting himself."
"I don't think he ever actually did anything, bro," Mike said. "I checked his arms from time to time when he was asleep. Never any cuts or scars. I mean, it would be kinda hard to hide…"
"Wow," Leonardo said, looking back down at Don. "That's…awful, Mike."
"Yeah."
The brothers sat in silence for a while. Mike started to eat his sandwich again.
"I never meant…" Leo couldn't finish the sentence.
"I know. He does, too. But it doesn't change things. Doesn't make things better."
"How hard is it to get this medication he needs?"
Mike spoke around a new bite of sandwich.
"We haven't been able to find it anywhere on the net, and Don wouldn't trust it anyway. We've considered having April go and tell the doctor she's depressed to get the meds, but he might give her something that wouldn't help Don."
"It would be better than nothing," Leo said.
"Yeah… I think it's come to that. Like I said, I'd hoped he'd get better once you did come back, but it hasn't been enough."
Leo shifted a little so that he could place and arm across Donatello's shoulders. The sleeping turtle sighed again.
"I'm sorry, Mike," Leo said, looking his brother in the eye. "You shouldn't have had to deal with this alone."
Mikey laughed softly.
"Raph helped a little, once he found out." Mike sobered, and shook his head. "He's terrified you're going to leave again, deep down. I think if you did, he'd like… Explode."
Leo dropped his gaze and shook his head.
"I won't. Help me get him to bed?"
Mikey wiped his lips and stood.
"Sure."
"Donnie? Want to go to bed?"
"'M in bed."
"Well…want to come to my bed?"
"'S always empty. Leo…he's never home."
"I'm home now."
Mike bent down and slipped his arm around Donatello's back. Together, he and Leonardo helped Don to his feet. The brothers made their slow way to Donatello's room and laid him down on the bed.
"Goodnight, Don," Mikey said quietly. "We'll all be here in the morning."
"'S'okay. I…"
"Goodnight, Donnie."
"'Night…"
Leo and Mike retreated from the room. Mike leaned the door over, but didn't close it tightly.
"Maybe I should talk to him?" Leo asked.
Mike's mouth immediately went to form the negative, but he stopped and thought for a moment.
"That might be an idea. I dunno."
They stood listening to the soft breathing of their brother for a few moments, before Leo smiled softly at Mike.
"We should get some rest."
"Yeah. Goodnight."
"Night."
Leonardo crossed the corridor to push his own bedroom door open, but stopped as Mike called to him.
"Whatever you say to him, Leo," Mike said, "don't tell him I told you about the depression. He's kinda…touchy about it sometimes."
"Understood."
Leo bid goodnight to his brother for the final time, and lay down on his bed. Man… I never would have guessed. He thought on what exactly he should say to Don for some time before sleep finally came.
***
As he had hoped, Leonardo was paired up with Donatello in the morning's practice. As they sparred, Leo took the opportunity to look for tiny changes in his brother's performance. It makes sense now. The slightest slip of an elbow or a misplaced foot. He managed to take his brother down several times.
After practice, Raphael and Michaelangelo once again raced for the remote, the former winning this time. Donatello disappeared off towards the bedrooms, and Leonardo took in a deep breath. He followed.
He knocked softly on Donatello's door and waited for the quiet, "Come in." He did so, and watched as Don lowered himself onto his bed.
"What can I do you for, Leo?" He asked, closing his eyes and rubbing his face. "And before you ask, I'm just a little tired."
Leo shook his head and smiled, and crossed the room to sit down on Don's swivel chair.
"I wasn't going to ask that, but good to know," he said. "No, I came because…I think I owe you an apology."
Don let his hand drop and he blinked several times.
"An apology? For what? Taking me down a bazillion times? It was my own fault – Master Splinter said so."
"No, not for that. For…" Leo swallowed and brought a hand up to rub the back of his neck. "For being gone for so long."
Don chuckled, but it wasn't full of mirth.
"You did what you had to do."
"Well, I just –" Leo sighed again. There was no point in walking on eggshells. "Look, I'm not going to lie. Mikey told me about you. That you took things hard and that…you're sick."
Donatello's eyes flickered with hurt and his cheeks rose in a flush.
"Well…I…I mean…"
"I just wanted you to know that I'm here for you, now. And that I'm sorry I left you for so long.
"I just…it's…"
Tears welled up in Donatello's eyes, and Leonardo's heart broke that little bit more.
"Go on, Don. Say what you need to say."
"I just…" Don dropped his chin to his plastron. Several tears fell on his hands. "I hated you Leo. Hated you."
Leonardo shuddered at the word, but said nothing.
"You left us, and that was fine. But then you didn't come back when you should have. It was hard enough before, but I got by knowing that each day was a day closer to you coming back and sorting out this…mess. But then you didn't. And I didn't know when you'd be back. And…I hated you for it."
"I'm sorry, Don. I never knew…I didn't think."
"I know you didn't," Don snapped, but he then raised his head again. "I know you had your reasons… But that didn't make things easier here, for us…for me. I turned into such an asshole. Trying to be you, and trying to be Raph, and me, and…"
Don's shoulders jerked, and more tears fell.
"I'm sorry, Don."
Leo reached out and placed his hands on Don's shoulders.
"I won't leave like that again. I see now that…my place is definitely here."
Inside, a dam broke. Each word tugged a little more at the loosening concrete, until finally a hole was punched through. Don collapsed into himself with a choking gasp, dissolving under the weight of…everything.
Leonardo slid his arms down and around Donatello's shell as his brother fell apart, drowning in deep, thick gulps and sobs. He cooed soothingly and hugged tighter even as his brother's arms slackened, simply exhausted as hoards of feelings washed over him in a maelstrom.
"I'm sorry," Don managed to force out.
Leonardo simply shushed his brother and brought a hand up to rub the back of Don's head. He held on until Don's eyes had run dry, and he pulled out of the hug to grasp both of Donatello's arms.
"I'm sorry."
Don dropped his head momentarily, but brought his eyes up to meet Leo's again.
"We'll get the meds you need, Don. You'll be just fine."
"Yeah, I know," Donatello answered, but the words were hollow.
"I mean it."
"I know you do."
"Well, I order you to believe me."
Leo stuck his tongue out of the side of his mouth and grinned. Don couldn't help but laugh.
"I guess. I just…I don't want to be dealing with this."
"I can understand," Leo said. "But we'll get through this. We're a family now. A whole family. And we'll help you every step of the way."
Don gave him a sad smile.
"Thanks."
"Now, c'mon," Leo said, rising and holding out a hand to help Donatello up. "I think I'm in the mood for some cheese on toast and I need you to make sure I don't burn it."
Don smiled with more joy this time and took his brother's hand.
"Sure thing. Just don't put the cheese in the toaster this time, Leo. You're supposed to use the grill."
"And that's exactly what I need you for."
Leo put an arm around his brother's shoulders and led him out of the bedroom.
"That's what I need you for too, Leo."
Leo grinned and butted his head into the side of Don's.
"Yep. And I'm always going to be here for you. Always."