Pam found herself sitting at Ryan's apartment on Christmas eve two weeks later. Sitting there alone with him, the two sat on his sofa with the dim lights of a few candles that sat on the coffee table in front of them. Faintly on his stereo some beautiful Christmas songs were playing. It wasn't the Christmas Pam envisioned for herself this year, but sitting there with him she felt happy enough.
The past two weeks had gone by in a complete blur.
They had both talked to both of their families. Ryan rode up with Pam that Sunday as promised and stuck by her side. He sat with Pam explaining themselves and what they planned on doing. At first the reactions they got were pure shock, finally once everything set in they began to talk.
Pam cried, and even went into the kitchen to talk with her mother for almost a straight hour. There Pam's father simply asked Ryan serious questions on what he planned on doing for his daughter and how serious he was about taking care of a child. Ryan was uncomfortable yet smoothly got through it answering questions honesty. He told him about finishing up school, his degree and masters. The promotion and the somewhat serious plans he had for the future after he had screwed up so badly before. He briefly went over a few past failed relationships and how serious he was about being by Pam's side. Pam's father was understanding enough and comforted his daughter after telling them that if they needed any help whatsoever even money wise they would be more then happy to help their daughter and their grandchild. Pam's mother kept hugging her daughter telling her how wonderful the news was. Pam kept saying how sorry she was but her parents made sure that if Pam ever needed anyone…they were there.
Feeling somewhat comforted a huge weight lifted off her chest. The reality was really starting to set in that she was pregnant.
Nearly a week later they broke the news to Ryan's small family. Their reactions were the same, stunned and shocked. Ryan's brother seemed happy enough and so didn't his stepfather. They hadn't ever met Pam before but were very friendly and congratulated her. They ruffled Ryan's hair telling him how great the news was and how they couldn't believe it. Ryan's mother meanwhile had a different outlook. She was snappy and felt lashing out at Pam. She asked if they had been dating, or if it was a one night stand. She asked Pam flat out if she was on birth control or planning it. At one point Pam was nearly on the verge of tears as Ryan screamed at her. Taking her upstairs Pam heard them arguing. That's when Ryan's stepfather placed his hand on her shoulder and told Pam not to worry. It didn't matter if his wife liked it or not…but this was something special.
When Ryan finally came downstairs he quickly got Pam and told his brother to tell his mother to go straight to hell if she didn't like it. With that he rushed Pam out the door. On the ride back Pam bursts into tears, she blamed herself and told Ryan that his mother hated her. Ryan shook his head telling her if didn't care what his mother thought, she had been controlling his life for far to long. He was finished, she wasn't going to take the only happiness he had left in his life. With that he pulled the car over on the side of the road and put it in park. Killing the engine he stared at her. Pam still had tears rolling down her face. Ryan stared at her before taking one of her hands.
"We're going to make this work Pam, I promise…"
Before she could say anything he was kissing her.
Now here they were two weeks later.
They both had done a lot of talking in these two weeks, mostly after work or on the weekends. Slowly more and more both were learning more about each other. They also talked seriously on what was really going to happen here with a baby coming.
Ryan was up for a promotion next year in New York, which meant he would be leaving. The city had bad memories for Ryan but he knew this was a job offer of a lifetime. He explained to Pam that if he did indeed take it they would be set for life. He told her their baby's collage fund would be safely in the bank all ready saved in their bank by the time their kid turned three. He told her about all the wonderful perks of his job and how much he could take care of them.
But Pam didn't want to leave.
This was her home. Her friends and family were here, she had spent her entire life here. But then again she knew her words all to well, these were the same words she was repeating. It seemed all her life everything was holding her back, even her art. She was to comfortable in this lifestyle. The same thing over and over, no risks…nothing scary.
But how could she even think of that now.
She was in the early months of her pregnancy and the truth was just starting to settle in. Her parents had been down twice to see her so far. They had a long talk with Pam about her options and were very happy to see that she wanted to try and raise it. They were proud that Pam was sure of that one thing…as much as she didn't think she was ready to be a mother, she knew she would have to be. They told her about how they thought she should move back with them, they would help her raise it.
Her mother had also taken her aside alone.
"Were you two sleeping together."
"God no…Ryan has just worked in the office all this time, I mean we're sort of friends but we're not that close."
"Know much about him?"
Pam shrugged.
"Enough, he's had his case of problems but hey…who hasn't? He's smart…I mean he's serious about really taking care of me I guess…I just never thought…"
"Are you attractive to him?"
Pam was caught off guard, it took her a few seconds.
"Ummm, well I don't know I really haven't thought about it…"
"Just once?"
Pam slowly nodded.
"Halloween…I was drinking…"
Pam put her head down, slightly ashamed before her mother waved her hand.
"So you two were just co-workers and friends…sort of?"
Pam nodded.
"Was he close with Jim?"
Pam blinked.
"What?"
"Never mind…what's important is how serious he is about being a father."
Pam took a deep breath before her mother placed her hand of her cheek and smiled.
"My little baby…"
Pam tried to feel comforted but her entire world was spinning out of control.
It still felt so funny to think that Pam was really pregnant. She had called up and was due at the doctor's right after New Year's. She had some morning sickness, but seemed to be able to hide everything at work. Ryan acted as though everything was normal and both pretended to act as if nothing had happed. Pam felt nervous about telling everyone at work, but Ryan simply shrugged. He told her if he got that promotion they wouldn't even have to worry about telling anyone at all.
"But their my friends."
Pam said flatly, with that Ryan looked down and seemed hurt.
At the Christmas party Pam felt as though Meredith was on to her when she noticed she wasn't drinking. She called Ryan afterwards telling him and he told her not to panic. This was between them and nobody had to know, most of all this early.
Pam understood both had a lot to figure out. The question her mother asked her kept repeating over and over again in her mind.
"Are you attractive to him?"
Pam always thought Ryan was cute, but her mind had always been focused on the day dream with Jim. In fact most of the time Ryan was just background noise. One thing she had always found very striking about him was his eyes.
Now here she was pregnant with his child and anytime they were around each other she found herself studying him. This was going to be the father of her child.
They called each other every night during those two weeks, Pam began to find it comforting right before bed whenever she began to worry. His voice was smoothing to her and he often made her laugh or feel better. He had a great outlook on things.
It still felt weird whenever they talked about "The baby"
Ryan agreed and both joked about how they always liked kids and someday planned on having them, yet never thought it would be now or with one of them. Ryan acted the same at work, but whenever he dropped by with dinner for her, or helped shovel out the walkway from her apartment, he seemed to mean well and Pam had developed them somewhat oddly getting closer. The holidays were coming but it didn't seem like that.
It seemed so strange that in less then seven months there would be a baby.
It terrified them.
Ryan had invited her over on Christmas eve for dinner. Earlier that day he had stopped by with some ginger ale and crackers. Both had talked briefly and before he left Pam kissed him on the cheek goodbye. He paused for a moment and then smiled. Afterwards Pam wanted to slap herself. What had she been thinking? She was embarrassed she had been so forward. Mumbling away she blamed her hormones.
Now here they were sitting together.
He stares at her before she smiled, somehow it didn't seem awkward at all. The two have just finished dinner and are enjoying sitting together in the dim candle light.
"I got something for you."
Ryan reached behind some pillows on the couch.
"Ryan you didn't have to…"
She feels strange saying this, now he's the one being forward. Before they didn't even exchange Christmas cards, now their trading gifts because he knocked her up? The thought crossed Pam's mind and she almost giggled before Ryan smiled.
"It's okay…here."
Pam warmly smiles before seeing a small wrapped box. Pam smiles taking it, her eyes meet his.
"Open it."
Pam quickly tore the paper away before looking at a plain velvet box, something you might see a necklace kept in. Pam paused for a second before opening it.
Right away she gasped, Ryan gave a nervous unsure smile.
"Do you like it?"
Pam's slim flingers lifted up a beautiful silver rattle. Looking at it she almost could of cried. It wasn't until now that she found this pregnancy really something to be happy about instead of a problem or something that's wrecked her life. Looking at it and then at Ryan she knew it really meant it.
"Oh Ryan…"
She was speechless.
That's when Ryan's hand slipped into hers, his eyes serious.
"It's for the baby…"
Pam stared down at it, glittering in the dim light of the living room. Finally her eyes went down to their hands laced together and she felt terrified. Jim hadn't been gone that long, things had ended so badly between the two of them, and then calling off the wedding with Roy…
Ryan leaned in to kiss her but Pam pulled away, shaking her head.
"Ryan no…"
Ryan looked at her hurt before his hand squeezed hers.
"Pam…"
"No…I'm sorry Ryan, but between calling the wedding off with Roy, and then things with Jim…"
Her words broke off, she remembered vaguely telling Ryan Halloween night about what had happened between Jim and her before he left. She remembered crying her heart out and telling him how confused she was. Now Jim was gone, working far away…and she was still here.
Right away she began thinking of what everyone in the office would think, she couldn't even begin to think of the horrible things Michael and Dwight would say. She could see the disproving looks from Angela and how awful Kelly would treat her. News always traveled fast…Roy would find out and then Jim…somehow.
Thinking of what they would say she felt her stomach toss, she thought she had to throw up. Ryan's concerned eyes studied her before his hand broke away from hers and gently touched the side of her face.
"You look sick…what's wrong?"
Pam shrugged still looking down at the rattle. She could see he had brought it at Tiffany's. Sitting on the couch, she then took a deep breath trying her hardest to hold back tears.
"What are we going to tell everyone?"
Ryan shrugged back.
"What we told our families that's all."
"And what's that?"
"That this was unexpected…but we're doing it together, it's something we decided on."
"I know that…it's just how your family feels, and then Michael and Dwight…and oh God Kelly…"
Ryan shook his head.
"None of that matters, I broke things off with Kelly long ago…she had to finally see we're not meant for each other and that I'm serious about you…"
"You mean the baby?"
Pam moved slightly away feeling nervous, Ryan shook his head.
"I mean both of you…Pam nobody else matters…"
"I know but you know how they are…and how much we're going to have to put up with…"
Ryan shook his head.
"Listen, I'll be up for that promotion…none of this matters Pam…"
Pam dropped her eyes again looking at the rattle, somehow things just didn't seem right.
"You're thinking about Roy and Jim?"
Pam was caught off guard by this comment, it felt as though Ryan could almost read her mind.
"Huh?"
"Roy and Jim…worried about them?"
Pam sighed, she really felt like crying now.
"It's just…I never thought my life would be so messed up at thirty…"
"Please Pam…take a chance on me…I promise I'll do everything for you and the baby…"
"Why the change of heart? You never struck me as a man who wanted to be a father…not somebody who has so much ahead for them in the future…"
Ryan's eyes looked embarrassed before he took a deep breath and tried to smile.
"I guess I've always had feeling for you Pam, never really got the nerve or the chance to say anything…"
Pam didn't see that coming at all, she watched Ryan's eyes drop and really saw he meant it. Biting on her bottom lip she thought of how much her life was really going to change. Scared to death of everything and what people would think…she looked at him and felt this strange sense of comfort. She knew he was just as scared and knew if there was anyone who really knew how terrified she was…it was Ryan.
Thinking about how long she had known him it really didn't add up. He had been working here for only a few years and had started off as just a temp. Now here they were…two co-workers.
Pushing away any thoughts of Jim, the man this past summer she truly believed would come back and save her. The man she had dreamed about really marrying or having children with.
Now all those dreams were shattered.
She was pregnant, but it was with Ryan.
What a horrible, awful mistake. She thought deeply inside her. Finally she took a deep breath and choked away the tears. Smiling she thanked him for the rattle. Before she could say another thing he looked at her with serious eyes.
"I understand a lot is happening fast and that we should only focus on the baby…but…I think I might be falling in love with you Pam."
Pam was stunned, yet remembered when he fell on the ice how scared she had been. She remembered telling herself that she was the father of her unborn child. That somehow this weird feeling had overwhelmed her…something she thought should have been love.
But was it?
Leaning in close she kissed him, his hands went around her gently and then one dropped to her flat stomach. His hand rested there as their mouths opened and closed. All the meanwhile Pam pretended it was Jim she was kissing…and that it was his baby inside her instead of Ryan's.