One month later.

Ryan's mother had been staying at the apartment ever since that early morning he called her up completely desperate and hitting rock bottom. Pam's parents arrived that same exact day and spent a good portion of the day at the apartment, getting to know Ryan's mother and fussing over Ginger. Ryan's mother played it perfectly cool. She explained she had been going through a very though period in her life and that she regretted not being able to be a big in her son's life for so long. That she missed all ready so much with her granddaughter and wanted to build a better relationship with Pam, most of all after what happened.

Pam's mother took a taxi to the hospital and stayed with Pam for most of the afternoon. Holding her hand and listening to her cry. Ryan meanwhile sat back completely dazed, she suspected shock. Once he left to go speak with the doctor Pam wiped her eyes and looked at her mother.

"Am I bad person?"

"What?"

Pam looked down at herself, laying in the hospital bed and feeling sore.

"I didn't want it."

"The baby?"

Pam shook her head before another tear rolled down her face.

"I kept pretending that I wanted it but I didn't! Now it's gone and Ryan can't even look me in the eye!"

Pam's mother leaned over, comforting her daughter.

"Shhhh, it's all right honey, things like this happen. It isn't anyone's fault."

But deep down inside, Pam felt horrible. She remembered the exact moment she took the pregnancy test and gasped. She had been so careful. Then for a brief second she hoped it might be Jims, by some strange accident. But sitting here now in the hospital she knew it was Ryan's and that the baby was gone, and so wasn't any real reason for her to keep lying to herself. She remembered thinking she had to make this work. That she made her choice and that Ryan was the father of her daughter. When she got preprint again she thought it was a sign to make her stop this sneaking around. To see how lucky she was and that this was her life now. But laying there, feeling exhausted and sore she wished more then anything she could remember what happened. She blacked out and the next thing she knew Ryan was telling her the baby was gone.

Before nightfall, the doctors informed Pam she could go home by tomorrow if she stayed on strict bed rest. Pam's mother went back to the apartment as Pam laid there feeling numb and slightly out of sorts. For the last few months she kept trying to wake up to the reality that this baby was real, just like Ginger and that Ryan and her were going to have it. Now any image of a son had faded. For a brief second she wondered if Jim was worried. Usually she emailed him everyday. Would he know something was wrong? Hating herself for even thinking that Ryan walked into her room, even more distant then before. Pam wondered if her suspicions were true. Was Ryan in over his head? Coming in, he sat down in the plastic chair beside her and shot her a look.

"You're sure you don't wanna hold him?"

Pam felt depressed and slowly shook her head. All she wanted right now was to sleep and block things out.

Ryan sighed, looking down at the floor.

"The doctors took him away…we needed to name him so I used Jasper."

"Jasper Howard, that's pretty."

Ryan said nothing, he simply kept looking at the floor. Pam cleared her throat, scared that he might break down crying.

"Ryan…I'm so sorry…I knew you wanted a son so much…"

Ryan looked at her, his big blue eyes wide.

"Didn't you?"

"What?"

Pam felt caught off guard.

"Didn't you want the baby? I mean for the last couple of months you seemed annoyed anytime I brought it up. I mean you seemed angry whenever you felt sick, rolled your eyes whenever I tried touching you…didn't you want him?"

"Of course I did Ryan…"

Ryan's cell then went off, making Pam bite down on her lip.

Ryan took it out and sighed.

"It's my mom…she's putting Ginger down for the night."

"That was really nice of her to come down, most of all with our history…"

Ryan looked up at her, his eyes angry.

"She's my mother Pam, not some kind of monster."

Before she could say anything he left her. Pam laid there knowing something was wrong.

Pam was released the next day and met the woman who had drove her to tears when she was pregnant with Ginger one winter night. Now she seemed like a very lovely woman who had set eyes. She hugged Pam, saying how sorry she was and how she was going to stay and help out with anything. Pam felt slightly uneasy but welcomed it.

But things seemed worse when her parents left a day later.

Pam was on bed rest and Ryan took the rest of the week off. He let her have the bed to herself and slept on the couch. Ryan's mother brought in her meals and helped her around. She barely saw Ginger and felt more then alone laying there in the big bedroom all alone. She wanted to talk with Ryan so badly now yet couldn't find the strength. Days past and Ryan's mother helped out with everything. Gladys came every day as usual and helped with Ginger, who Pam seemed better whenever one of them brought her in. She laid in bed with Ginger, touching her little hands and feeling her heart sink. She loved her daughter more then anything and knew as much as she regretted the pregnancy…she would of loved her son just as well.

Ryan's mother cleaned up the apartment and took Ginger out to the park. Pam slept most days, taking medication that the doctor gave and tried to regain her strength. She used her laptop as an escape and emailed Jim telling him everything. He messaged back right away telling her he wanted to come, but she said no. She needed time alone right now to think. So days past, and she began feeling as though she was being locked up. She had too much time to just lay there and think. Most nights she found herself crying herself to sleep. One night she woke Ryan's mother who appeared in her bathrobe.

"Everything okay sweetheart?"

Pam still found this odd, Ryan's mother seemed far too much of a stranger.

"Ryan…could you get him please."

Pam noticed it was a little after two.

"He's fast asleep on the couch, long day at work and hasn't been feeling very well."

"Could you wake him anyways?"

Ryan's mother shot her a look.

"Pam dear, he needs his rest…like you he's been through a lot. Today he spread the baby's ashes…did you know that?"

Pam was speechless. Since it happened nearly two weeks ago Ryan and her had barley even talked. He was always working and came home late. They saw each other for a few minutes and then he would leave her alone in the room. His eyes always angry and hurt.

"What?"

Ryan's mother nodded.

"He made the arrangements and didn't want to bother you with them since you were resting…he scattered them in Central Park."

Pam couldn't believe he would do it without her.

"He did what?"

"Pam, I think he was trying to spare you. I mean…your poor body has been through so much."

"The doctor said I've had more then enough rest now, in fact I want to start getting up and moving around…"

"We'll talk about this tomorrow, get some sleep dear."

"But…"

Before she could say anything Ryan's mother shut the door. Sitting up in bed Pam's heart sank. Looking around the darkness of the bedroom she saw the dim glow of the skyscrapers outside. Eyeing her laptop that was charging on her desk she sighed. It seemed to be her only contact and she wanted Jim right now more then anything. She also wanted Ryan's mother out…she was giving her the creeps. Waiting a half an hour later she slowly got out of bed and shuffled across the plush white carpet and out to the hall. She saw the guest room's door was closed. Glancing in at the nursery she saw Ginger was fast asleep. Sighing she rubbed her arms. She wanted to hold her. Instead she walked into the dark living room and found Ryan.

He was wearing a T-shirt and sweats, he laid on the sofa past out. His cell phone on the table beside him. His face looked as though he was dreaming and his beard was coming in fuller now. Feeling her heart ache, Pam went over to him very slowly, making sure not to wake him. Gently kneeling down she stared at him and reached over and brushed some of his dark hair away from his face. He looked so different now. Feeling tears come in her eyes, she wished more then anything she couldn't be like this. That she let her heart love Ryan as much as she wanted to. Instead she saw a man who had done everything for her and had given her that beautiful baby in the next room. Thinking of the baby she lost and never saw, she fought back tears.

"Jasper…"

She whispered. Taking one of Ryan's hands, she gently kissed it before putting it against her face. Somehow that felt much better.

"I'm so sorry Ryan."

She said before getting up. Once she was back in her bedroom Ryan opened his eyes and felt a tear of his own roll down his face.

The next two weeks went by very quickly. Pam was up and going now and after a visit to the doctor she seemed perfectly fine. A little over tried and stressed but fine. Hoping she could find a chance to talk with Ryan, she tried to keep herself busy and away from his mother as much as possible.

Gladys kept coming over and she found excuses to take Ginger out. The two went to lunch together and took Ginger shopping. While they were together they both talked about how creepy Ryan's mother made them feel and how they both didn't trust her. Gladys one day brought up a good point.

"When is she leaving?"

Ryan meanwhile was working all the time. Pam suspected it was because he was trying to thrown himself into it and forget about the pain. Anything he had bought for the baby was now gone and Pam knew more then likely he had thrown everything out, even the sonogram photos.

Pam hated the apartment now since Ryan's mother was always there. Cleaning and breathing down her neck with those cold eyes of hers. Pam hated talking to her and felt weird whenever she was around.

Emailing Jim twice a day she told him it was too hard to meet up with him with Ryan's mother around. But that she did miss him and was working on getting her out as soon as she could. Jim's messages were always worried and very sweet. Yet each time she read them she felt awful.

When she did see Ryan he was exhausted and seemed to be getting over a pretty bad flu in which he made the excuse to stay away from her. Whenever he was at the apartment he was fussing over Ginger, which was the only time he did seem truly happy or talking with his mother.

Each night he came to bed late and seemed to pass out within minutes. When Pam woke up he was all ready gone for work and was always welcomed to breakfast by Ryan's mother.

Finally one night Pam caught Ryan when he got into bed and shook his shoulder. Ryan turned his eyes annoyed.

"What?"

"Ryan, we haven't spoken more then twenty words to each other in weeks…are you okay?"

"I'm fine Pam I'm just tried."

"You've been working too much."

"Yeah…maybe, it's been a lot lately."

"You should take a break, most of all after what happened…you're running yourself down."

"That's easy to say Pam but I have a lot of work to get done."

"I'm sure everyone would understand…take some time off, just you me and Ginger."

Ryan just stared at her.

"Is there something you wanted to say Pam?"

Pam looked across at him in the same bed they had been sleeping in for what seemed like years. The same bed they once used to make love in and hold each other in. The same bed their dead son was made in.

Pam gulped before moving closer.

"You're mad at be aren't you?"

"What?"

"Because of the baby…"

"Pam don't…"

"You haven't even kissed me. I know something is bothering you."

"Pam like I said it's just been a lot…I'm hurting, and I'm sure you are too. Just let me get some sleep."

"Ryan something is wrong. Please…"

Ryan moved away from her touch as Pam sighed.

"Maybe once your mother leaves we can finally talk…just the two of us."

"Pam go to bed, it's late."

Pam fought back tears before she reached over.

"Talk to me Ryan…"

"Goodnight Pam."

Ryan then turned over, his back facing her. Pam laid there, crying and Ryan didn't even turn. They stayed like that until morning.

This was the same morning Pam woke up and her life yet again was never the same. She found Ryan's side neatly made and voices coming from the other room. Getting up, Pam put her contacts in before putting on her robe and going out into the hallway. All ready she was getting ready for Ryan's mother to glare at her from across the kitchen table.

Instead she found Ryan, his mother, and a man wearing a three piece suit sitting in the living room. Pam stopped dead in her tracks, confused and embarrassed.

"Oh I'm sorry…"

"Pam could you sit down."

Pam stopped, looking at Ryan and seeing no help there.

"What?"

Ryan's mother made a fake smile and repeated herself.

"Could you sit down, this is my lawyer Ben Anderson…Ryan and I need to talk with you."

Pam stood there.

"What's this all about?"

"Please Pam, sit down."

Pam looked around, confused.

"Where's Ginger?"

"I had Gladys take her to the park…please sit down."

Pam looked and saw Ryan wasn't even looking at her. Slowly she entered the room and sat down.

"What's this about?"

Ben the lawyer sat forward before handing Pam a set of papers.

"You're husband is filing for divorce and is seeking dull custody of your daughter."