Return of the Jedi - A Parody -
Disclaimer - I don't own Star Wars .
Chapter 2 - Jabba's HO's -
C-3PO and R2-D2 were led down a long hall by a green Pig Guard towards the droid torture room .
" Ah , new acquisitions , you are a protocol droid are you not ? " The dark droid asked as other droids were tortured in the background.
" I am C-3PO hu... "
" Yes or no will do . " The droid interrupted.
" Well , yes. "
" How many languages do you speak ? " The droid that sounded like a demonic version of an automated voice message asked.
" I am fluent in over 6 million forms of communication and can readi... "
" Splendid , " He was interrupted again , " We have been without an interpreter since our master became upset at the last protocol droid. "
A white protocol droid stood in the background .
" Hello , I am C-4PO , human ... " C-4PO was quickly torn apart by mechanical arms as it screamed in pain , droids do feel pain after all .
" Take him up to his master chambers and fix him with a restraining bolt . " The dark droid waved his awkward arm at a green pig guard.
R2-D2 was busy serving drinks to half dead droids .
" Hmm , we might have use for you in our masters barge . I think you'll fit in nicely . "
Meanwhile ...In Jabba's chambers ...main room...2 or 3 floors up ...
Sly Snoodles was just finishing her music number , Jabba was pulling on his rope for his green slave girl to come closer , she wouldn't comply so he hit the - fall down the pit - button.
" Bitch . " Jabba muttered as he heard a loud Rancor scream followed by her scream , then the Rancor scream , then her scream again , then the Rancor screamed one last time.
" Master Jabba , is it really necessary to drop all your slave girls down there ? I mean , how many slave girls have you gone through this week , she was pretty good looking , that's a rare thing on Tattooine. " The Worm assistant leaned close to Jabba , Jabba gave it some serious thought but the slave girl screamed again , followed by the Rancor.
" Will you just EAT her already ? " Jabba thumped his tail in anger.
A blast sound could be heard followed by a bounty hunter falling to the ground , he half rolled down the stairs . He flashed twice then vanished , 5 strength points were gained.
Another short bounty hunter walked down the stairs with Chewbacca in tow , he was chained by the neck , impossible to escape . The bounty hunter had long brown hair flowing out of the back of it's helmet.
" I have come for the bounty on Chewbacca , ooops , I mean this Wookiee. " The short bounty hunter said , Chewbacca struggled but the short bounty hunter seemed massively powerful.
" Oh no ! Chewbacca ! I mean , some Wookiee was captured , I love Wookiees ! " C-3PO waved his arms around dramatically.
" At last we have the mighty Chewbacca ! " Jabba was pleased .
" Hey golden ass , bring your sexy thang over here . " Jabba ordered .
" I am here your not-badedness . " 3PO shuffled his way around Jabba's huge frame to stand next to him.
" Tell them I will offer 25000 for the reward . " Jabba said to 3PO but looked straight at the bounty hunter.
" His excellency offers 25 for the reward . " 3PO translated poorly to them.
" 25 ? I want 50 , no less . " The bounty hunter responded.
" 50 , no less . " 3PO turned to Jabba , but was nailed by a forearm , the golden droid fell out of sight .
" 50 ? Do you not understand Huttenese ? I offered 25000 , tell them I will pay 25000 for Chewbacca and not 50 ! Ask them why do I have to pay 50 when I'm offering 25000 ! " Jabba was steamed .
3PO staggered out from behind Jabba with green snot dripping off of him .
" Jabba wants to know why he has to pay 50 ? Because he's holding a thermal detonator !"
C-3PO panicked before the bounty hunter even revealed his detonator , the hunter scrambled around in his pocket until he found it .
" HO HO HO HO HO HO , HA HA HA HA HA HA , HO HO HO HO HO ... "
The bounty hunter and everyone in the room gave the -hurry up - sign to Jabba as the detonator continued to tick away .
" HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO... "
" Today would be nice . " The bounty hunter said as the ticking got faster.
" HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA AH AH AH AH AHH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA AH AHA ...COUGH ! I like this Bounty hunter , my kind of scum . Fearless and in... "
3PO quickly cut in on Jabba's behalf .
" The great Jabba offers 35 ! " He yelled as green snot dripped off of his fingers.
" I'll take it ! JEEZ , what a moron ! " The hunter turned off the detonator.
" He agrees ! " 3PO was elated.
Boba Fett gave the fearless and inventive bounty hunter a nod , the fearless and inventive bounty hunter gave Boba the finger in response .
" HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO ... "
" There , he's at it again . Somebody take that pipe off of him . " 3PO gave the order and Chewbacca was hauled away with dirty looks spread towards 3PO.
" Make sure you play high pitch alarms in his chambers , he hates that. " 3PO continued.
A nearby guard looked on , he hauled his face mask down a little to reveal Lando Calrissian , the face mask abruptly broke off in his hand , he looked at it for a moment then tossed it aside.
The night falls ...
The fearless and inventive bounty hunter snuck his way through Jabba's chambers as everyone was asleep.
" Snore ! " They snored in unison.
The bounty hunter made his way to Han Solo who was hanging on the wall , still frozen in carbonite .
He opened a small panel next to Han Solo's frozen body . A small beeping noise could be heard as the small display came to life.
" PLEASE ENTER YOUR FIVE DIGIT CODE NOW ! " The loud female computer voice asked from the display.
The hunter quickly looked around to see if anyone heard that , more snoring . That was a close one dammit !
The hunter quickly entered the five digit code .
" CARBONITE INDUSTRIES NOW OFFERS A 29 PERCENT SAVINGS VOUCHER ON ALL SMUGGLER FREEZE CHAMBERS ! WOULD YOU LIKE TO ... "
The Bounty Hunter smashed the display cutting off the loud automated female voice .
A small cutting noise could be heard , Han Solo started to burn his way out of the cabonite and it was eaten away thanks to the five digit code . Han fell flat on his face with a loud thud !
" Crap . " The hunter said , " Didn't think it would be that quick , sorry , I wasn't ready."
" Relax , for a moment , " The hunter lifted Han to a sitting position , " You are free of the carbonite , you have hibernation sickness ( sniff ) you ( sniff ) oh my god , (sniff ) you stink to high hell . "
" I can't see . " Han said , blindingly .
" Your eyesight will return in time . " The hunter said.
" Where am I ? " Han asked looking around , he couldn't see anything , he was still blind , but it would return in time.
" Your in Jabba's Pub and Resort . " The hunter responded , Han felt the crude mask of the bounty hunters then quickly recoiled his hand.
" Who are you ? "
The Bounty Hunter took his mask off revealing Princess Leia ! ( shock and surprise ! )
" Someone who loves you . " She said whipping her long brown hair everywhere .
" LUKE ! " Han screamed and grabbed Leia's face to kiss her .
" Luke ? You moron , it's me , Leia , you know , the woman who said - I love you - in Empire Strikes Back ? "
" Oh ya , the girl , I knew it was you , I was just... "
" I have to get you out of here. " The bounty hunter a.k.a Princess Leia picked up the sweat soaked Han to his feet.
" HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO ! "
" What's so funny Leia ? " Han asked .
" That wasn't me . " She responded .
" HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO ! "
" Well , who is it then , Santa Clause ? Leia , stop (BLEEP) in around ! " Han thought she had lost her mind.
" Maybe if we ignore it , it will just go away . " Leia tried to continue on with Han.
" HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO ! "
" It certainly sounds a lot like you laughing Leia . " Han accused .
" YOU NERF HERDER , IT'S NOT ME , NOW COME ON ! " She screamed .
" HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO ! "
" OH , HO HO YOURSELF JABBA ! " Leia screamed at the closed curtain .
" Jabba ? Did you say Jabba ? Wait , I know that laugh now ! " Han raised his finger in the air and he waved it like he just didn't care.
" Ya , remember when I mentioned we were in his pad you smelly ass clown ! " Leia was really mad but all the screaming seemed to wake up Jabba , who was laughing in his sleep.
What will happen next ? Will Luke Skywalker show up and kick ass ! Find out next time !