The Return of the Jedi - A Parody -
Author's note - May contain sexuality and mature themes , or it may not , who knows ?
Chapter 3 - Luke vs the Rancor -
" Yeaargg ! Yeaargg ! " Chewbacca screamed at the loud siren inside the holding cell . Poor Chewie . But enough about Chewbacca ...
A cloaked figure made his way down the entrance towards the green pig guards .
" Hello there kind friend , my name is Jim ... " before the green pig guard could continue Luke force choked him and his buddy to the opposite wall .
Bib Fortuna the worm head appeared from the doorway to Jabba's chambers .
" No , no you cannot be here ! " He pointed to the returning Jedi , who is not a Jedi yet but will be when he confronts Vader , so he's technically a non-Jedi , we'll just call him Luke until then.
" You will take me to your master now. " Luke said from under the hood waving his hand.
" I will take you to your master now . " Bib seemed hypnotised.
" No , not MY master , YOUR master . " Luke waved again.
" I will take YOU to YOUR master NOW ! " Bib still seemed out of it.
" YOU will walk THAT way and I'll follow YOU , how about that eh ? " Luke was getting steamed .
They walked walkingly into Jabba's chambers , Bib whispered something into Jabba's ear and his master woke up wide eyed . Luke noticed a very hot slave girl waking up with a golden bikini in front of Jabba .
" Whoa . She is one hot ...wait a second ! Leia ? What are you doing sleeping comfortably in front of Jabba the Hutt ? "
" Ahh , it's that guy , what's his name again ? " Jabba asked 3PO.
" Luke Skywalker . " CPO responded .
" Yessss , Skywalker . HO HO HO HO HO , let's just skip all this talk and go straight to the action scenes shall we ? " Jabba said in Huttenese but Luke still needed 3PO's translation for some odd reason .
" Yes , lets . " Luke used the force to pull away the nearest Bounty Hunter's blaster , but Luke struggled with the blaster as a pair of pants were still attached to it.
Jabba hit the button and Luke fell down the pit along with the nearest green pig guard .
" HO HO HO HO HO HO HO JEDI SOMETHING OR OTHER HO HO HO ! "
" Oooof ! " Luke landed with a thud on the dirt floor inside the pit , the green pig guard tried frantically to escape out a small window.
Luke looked on in horror as the large wall rose to reveal a huge Rancor beast , the Rancor clutched his huge claws and screamed ...
" Roar. "
" Hold on a second , you can do better than that . " Luke smiled .
" Sorry ol chap , " The Rancor responded , " How about this then ... "
" ROOOOOOAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRR ! "
" Not bad , I'm actually terrified right now. " Luke shuttered and tried to find a hiding spot .
" What are we gonna do man ? We have to think of something ! " The green pig guard pleadings with Luke to save him . Luke heroically stuck a bone in the pig guards mouth so he couldn't talk anymore .
The Rancor beast reached down and flipped the guard in his mouth , he chewed the guard many times making a bone crunching sound . Crunch ! Crunch ! Crunch !
" Do you know how much fat is in one serving of those guards ? " Luke asked the troubled looking Rancor beast .
" I never really thought of that mate , I HAVE been gaining weight recently . " The beast responded clawing at his own belly.
" It's been nice talking to you . " Luke strolled under the legs of the beast and tried to calmly escape the door marked EXIT .
" Wait a second , you never told me how much fat was in one of those guards ! " The Rancor beast walked towards Luke with an angry expression.
The Rancor beast picked up Luke in his huge hand , he put Luke inside his mouth and started to chew , Luke was folded in half and crushed instantly. CRUNCH ! SNAP !
- The End -
No , that's not what happened . The Rancor beast walked under the spikes sticking out of the ceiling where the wall rose up , Luke noticed this and picked up a rock , he saw the switch several feet away , it was his one shot at survival , he threw the rock , the rock missed and fell to the ground , Luke walked over and picked up the rock . He gave it another try , he missed again.
The Rancor beast violently stepped on Luke crushing him instantly .
- The End -
No wait , that's not it either. Luke picked up the rock , and the rock said " Know your damn role and shut your mouth ! " He hurled the rock and it hit the switch , the wall fell and crushed the Rancor beast's skull .
" I'm , I'm sorry ! " Luke wailed as a single tear rolled down his cheek .
" That's alright mate . ( Cough ) It doesn't hurt that much . Just , (Cough ) tell ...(cough) tell...Jabba ...I...still...love ...him. " The Rancor beast expired .
To be continued ... sniff .
Author's Note : What is the plural form of Plead and how could you use it in a sentence ?