Ryan sat in his car an hour after he left the hospital and had taken one of his notebooks from the backseat and was writing down with a black sharpie everything he remembered. At first glance it appeared to be the ramblings of a madman, but to Ryan it seemed like so much more.

Ginger, red hair, blue eyes.

New York? Promotion? = Pam unhappy.

Jim (affair?) emails.

Custody battle?

Drug habit/ mom's help

Split up, visitation rights slowly regained?

Unhappy? Pretending? Alone.

Ryan tried so hard to remember everything that flashed in his head for those few minutes he had blacked out. For him it was nearly eighteen years worth of memories and heartache. In just a split second all the true detail and reality seemed so real and vivid. He could of swore he could recall nearly every detail. That for those few minutes he somehow saw a life…a future for Pam and him. Or perhaps simply just a path…a choice of certain events that would of lead the two of them there. Ryan found it harder now to remember everything, but he knew deep in his heart it was real and meant something.

In his memories of what he saw he had convinced Pam that they could have this baby together, all the meanwhile he was slowly falling in love with her and putting everything on the line for her. Jim had visited while Pam was pregnant and that's when they found out they were expecting a baby girl and named her Ginger. They slowly began falling in love, or at least pretending to and they had the baby. Ryan got that promotion in New York and took Pam and the baby with him, acting as if he was successful maybe that underlining feeling of tension and sense that Pam maybe was unhappy would go away. That he knew in his heart all along she had loved him, yet still loved Jim. The two of them lived there and he pushed the two of them. He worked nonstop and turned into a different person, while Pam was alone. He got hooked on drugs and Pam started an affair with Jim. Ryan tricked her into getting pregnant again in some horrible way of trying to trap her. She lost the baby and Ryan truly knew she no longer loved him…he lost the battle. So his mother, who had hardly any contact with him since Pam and him came forward with the news of the pregnancy decided to help his son for once and get him out of this mess he called a life.

She got him clean and they brought Pam to court, he won custody and divorced her. She moved back home and he raised Ginger alone. Years past and Ryan silently was devastated. Yes, he had gotten clean and changed his work habits. The most important thing to him was his daughter, yet he felt like he was dying on the inside.

Pam and him only talked when they had to and it was always about Ginger. Ryan who was still very much in love with Pam began letting her see Ginger more, and before Jim and her married when Ginger was five he let her get her regular visitation rights back. They lived a simple life, and Ryan raised his little girl into a beautiful teenager…all the while mourning the love he lost.

The last tiny memory he had before it faded away and he found himself eighteen years back where he belonged. Laying in the parking-lot and looking up at the woman who now carried his unborn daughter, who he would marry and love, yet never understand. The same woman who broke his heart yet so many years later told him the truth with her eyes that she had made a mistake.

He remembered that…them sitting on the sofa in his house when Ginger was seventeen and upstairs asleep. Pam was saying something about Jim and her splitting up and her beautiful gray eyes sparked against his blue ones.

Then he woke up.

The images were slowly fading, he knew with his new horrible secret within time, maybe even when he went back to his condo he would forget. That's why he wrote these things down. Somehow he knew it was important. At first he believed this tiny bit of false memories were just his mind freaking out on him. Pam was pregnant and hadn't really talked to him yet about what he was doing, he knew both of them had been loosing sleep over it and had no idea what to do.

Or maybe it was a warning. Something telling him this was Pam and his future if he didn't play his cards right. That he would loose her to Jim if he didn't prove himself. That's what he was going after when he took her to the coffee shop. He carefully spoke to her from his heart and knew right away he wouldn't loose her. And if they did agree on everything that seemed so terrifying, then he would know maybe that was fate trying to help him.

He would take her to her parents to break the news, then his. If his mother didn't like it then he would curse her out. He would for once stand up for himself and tell her that if she didn't like the fact Pam and him were going ahead with this, then he never wanted to see her again. Yes they would do all the things he faintly remembered before. Writing everything down, trying to figure things out, crying, and feeling scared. But somehow deep down inside he knew they would do a good job. That was the one thing in that twisted little vision he had…both Pam and himself had only one thing they had done right.

Being parents to their daughter.

He would do everything different this time. He wouldn't force her into anything and when Jim came back…which he knew in his heart he would one day, he would prove himself to her. That Jim wasn't for her…that he was the one who really loved her and he was the one she had her daughter with. Not Jim.

Those few minutes knocked out had scared him, he wanted to wake sure none of that would happen. He was going to make this work. Pam and him were having this baby, and he would make sure she was happy…and that she would love him.

Sighing, Ryan put down the notebook. Why didn't it make sense? Why had this happened?

Just last night he had finally talked to Pam, both had decided to take this very slowly. They both agreed and promised if they did indeed plan on keeping this baby…they would do it together. That they would go see Pam's parents this weekend and then his family and break the news. After that they would just face things together as scary as they were.

A baby…

Ryan thought, his eyes welled up with tears as he looked out his windshield at the falling snow. Why had this happened to him? Why now? It couldn't…he was making sure things went right this time with Pam. He was going to make sure she loved him, he was going to make sure Jim didn't take her away or that he was stupid enough to throw her aside for his job. He just wanted her…and their baby.

Yes, here he was in his twenties and all ready wanted his future.

What future?

He thought.

Less then an hour ago he found out he would more then likely be dead in eighteen months. That there were tumors in his brain and within time they would slowly bleed out and shut down his body. That all those promises he made to Pam were now broken. That even that horrible future he saw would never happen. He would be dead…and leave Pam alone.

His face crumbled as he began to cry. He never felt so alone in his entire life.

"WHY?!"

He cried out before beating the steering wheel.

It wasn't fair.

A half an hour later Ryan walked through the condo's front door to find Pam sitting on the couch with his dog watching the weather. Right away she looked up and Ryan could of almost died. She was so beautiful.

"Hi."

She said, looking slightly embarrassed.

Ryan smiled setting down his keys.

"Hey."

"What did you forget at the hospital?"

"Oh…my watch, took forever to find it. They misplaced it in some lost and found box five floors up…lucky nobody took it."

Ryan threw off his coat and it landed on a chair he had near the door which mostly served for holding his coats or gym clothes he took off the second he came through the door. Right away he sat beside her with two brown paper bags and began taking things out.

"Coffee for me, and tea for you."

Pam smiled sitting up.

"Thanks."

"Got bagels…here…"

Ryan began fishing through the bag before Pam sat there, looking around the empty condo.

"Are we really doing this Ryan?"

Ryan looked over at her.

"Yeah…we are."

"Are you scared?"

"Yeah."

Ryan smiled at her before she smiled back.

Just then Pam's face seemed very pale, she sat there for a second before Ryan looked at her.

"You okay?"

"Ummm, yeah just….oh God!"

Pam slapped her hand over her mouth and got up in a hurry, racing down the hall Ryan heard the bathroom door open and then the sounds of her throwing up. Sitting there for a second Ryan felt helpless.

How am I going to tell her?

Ryan got himself up and hurried down the hall to find Pam in the bathroom hung over the toilet and dry heaving. Ryan quickly rolled up his sleeves and sat beside her, holding back her hair and rubbing her back.

She threw again.

"Shhhh, it's all right."

Pam spit before wiping her mouth and looking at him before weakly smiling.

"This has been happening a lot this week, bet my nerves don't help."

"Say how does those bagels sound now?"

Ryan grinned before Pam playfully hit his arm.

"Do you think I'll be a good mother?"

Ryan stared at her for a moment and really didn't know what to say. Instead he smiled and brushing back some of her hair.

"Of course you will Pam…you're perfect."

Pam snorted.

"Far from it."

"No, believe me…you are."

Pam smiled looking at Ryan's eyes as he hit that horrible secret. He was all ready so in love with her and couldn't stand to ruin this moment. Instead he kept his mouth shut and pretended.

The next weekend past and both of them had informed their families on their plans. Pam's parents had a reaction Ryan expected. They were shocked at first and then very supported. Ryan had a horrible thought that she was lucky to have family like this to be behind her no matter what.

Even when your friend/co-worker who got you pregnant and promises to take care of you dies a few months later leaving you alone.

Ryan pushed that thought away.

His mother had the reaction he knew she would have and it ended in a screaming match, in which he wouldn't let Pam run to the car this time. He wanted to let her know he didn't care what his family thought…he was doing what he wanted. His mother called the two of them every name in the book and Ryan so badly wanted to tell her what was really going on right in hr face. Instead he simply stood up for Pam and told his mother to go to Hell if she didn't like the idea of being a grandmother. They left together that snowy night and were greeted by Ryan's brother in the driveway who was grinning ear to ear.

"It's about time someone stuck up to her like that."

Both Ryan and Pam burst out laughing.

At work Michael fussed over Ryan that Monday he came back, asking him if his head hurt and if he was okay. Ryan simply brushed it off, feeling uncomfortable as always and went about his boring little work day. Sitting at his work desk he kept looking up at Pam and seeing her smile. Smiling back he felt his heart swell up. He was beyond lucky and both Pam and him had a secret. Something so scary and so wonderful both hadn't wrapped their heads around it. Yet…there was a cloud over everything.

Ryan was hiding another thing, something Pam didn't know about.

But everything began going as it should have. The holidays were coming and both Ryan and Pam agreed that this was their business and that only family should know first just to be careful. Anyways both weren't really that excited to let everyone in the office know they slept together and were now expecting a baby. Pam cringed and joked about the things Michael would say.

They acted at work as though everything was normal. They decided to wait at least until after New Years to let everyone in on their plans.

What plans? Ryan kept asking himself. None of these things Pam and him discussed what seemed like every night and worried over would matter. He knew he would have to tell her within time. But until then he just pretended and tried his hardest to be happy.

They stared at each other and caught a few glanced and winks at work sitting at their desks. Dwight didn't seem to notice. Ryan and Pam would message each other back and forth and Pam covered her morning sickness perfectly. She always got up excusing herself and slowly went to the ladies' room making sure nobody was inside. When she came back out her skin looked lighter, yet seemed perfectly put together and calm. Ryan would always watch her carefully before messaging her if she was okay. The replies were always the same, saying she was fine and just felt a little sick. She would always joke and tease him making him laugh, and somehow taking his worries away from him for a few hours.

They wouldn't sit together at lunch or anything and walked to their cars separate. They knew someone was always watching there.

But once they left Ryan visited Pam five times out of the week, he would come over with dinner and they would just talk. Pam planned on going to the doctors right after New Years. They had done all the mapping and planning out. Writing down salaries, five year plans, and pros and cons. Somehow as they planned this all out Ryan sat back feeling horrible.

He hated being alone in his condo, he would just lay awake for hours thinking about it. Knowing how this would ruin everything. He hated himself for it.

So he would always visit Pam, coming over with cracks and ginger ail for her morning sickness. Talking with her and making her laugh. Within just a few weeks they had formed a special bond.

They were really doing this.

Finally Ryan invited Pam to spend Christmas Eve over his place. He told her he had something very important to tell her.