On her way to Ryan's that night, Pam tightly gripped the steering wheel and watched as her windshield wipers slowly brushed back the snow that was gently falling from the sky. The last two months had been a complete blur for her, and she couldn't believe where she was now. Driving forward, softly listening to Christmas music Pam for once didn't have that horrible terrifying overwhelming feeling that had plagued her from the moment she took the first pregnancy test. It was true, she really never saw herself here in her early thirties still working in Scranton in that crazy and somewhat dull dead-end job. That she hadn't been to art school yet or was selling her work for thousands of dollars while married to her true love and not even thinking of children yet. That she broken off her engagement to Roy and had truly shattered any friendship or future with Jim. She had been depressed and simply did the same routine over and over again. Now here she was, pregnant and facing the future really not knowing what to expect.
Since that night in the coffee shop after Ryan had been taken to the hospital she looked at this pregnancy in a new way. Yes it was still unplanned, and very scary…yet she didn't seem so alone anymore. She now looked at Ryan differently. Instead of the young temp who had now taken over Jim's old job and his desk, a co-worker who was hardly a friend and barley said more then twenty words to her a day was now promising never to leave her. They had decided, and knew the second they left the clinic that they were keeping this baby. Ryan told her that they would face this together, be parents and no matter what came their way they would do this for their baby. He agreed that this really wasn't what planned for himself. That much like her he had dreams of a future…and he never expected it to be with her. They went over this slowly and somehow Pam knew just by looking in his eyes he was telling the truth.
They had gone to their families and she had seen a different side of Ryan, a more human side that she was slowly beginning to wonder about and want to see more of. He stood up for her and then really seemed like a person in front of her parents. He was by her side as her mother and father shared their suspire and support. After knowing her parents were also there for her she somehow didn't feel so alone anymore. Yes she was still terrified beyond belief, and had no idea how she would even get by the next few months…yet she knew everything somehow would be okay. She had talked a great deal with her parents and told them that she was indeed keeping the baby. That Ryan and her decided to go ahead with this and that they would raise it together.
"Together like how?"
Her mother had asked over tea less then a week ago. Pam remembered feeling funny by this question before she shrugged.
"Like friends…we're going to be parents to this baby. We still have a lot to go over, but we're doing this together."
"Well are you two going to live together?"
Pam shrugged.
"We haven't gone over that yet."
As far as Pam knew they were still very distant friends and co-workers. They barley knew each other and just happened to sleep together after one drunken night. They had been over a lot and were still trying to figure everything out. It all seemed so confusing. Here they were planning on having this baby together, while they still felt like strangers.
They pretended at work as though everything was normal, yet saw each other nearly every night. They had dinner together and mostly talked. Somehow Ryan made her feel much more relaxed and settled. He knew how overwhelmed she was and slowly went over everything. He told her not to think too far ahead, that it would just make her crazy. As far as they decided on, he would go to her to the doctor's after the new year and then they would take it from there.
There were so many questions, while Pam still couldn't help but feel for once as though maybe fate was going in the right direction as crazy as that sounded. Jim was gone, and so wasn't her past. Here she was turning a whole different path in her life. She had made her choice and both Ryan and her decided they were going to be parents to this baby. She still didn't know if it would work out, or if it would all blow up in her face. She was scared to death at the thought of really being a mother, and that something would go wrong and she would be left alone. But Ryan always made her feel better. He seemed almost excited for this and seemed so different. He made her laugh, was always concerned and seemed to remind her whenever he looked her over with those worried big blue eyes that she was indeed pregnant. Somehow the reality kept hitting her. Inside of her growing was Ryan's baby. Ryan the temp, the guy who started a fire in the office and had dated Kelly. It all seemed so weird. What was everything going to say? What would happen if this got back to Jim? She really didn't know. She found it so funny that the least two people you would expect this to happen to would be them. Now here they were having a baby.
Ryan had been so sweet and supportive. Whenever Pam had a panic attack just by thinking of everything and she couldn't get hold of her mother she called him. Both would text each other through the night making each other feel better. Pam found it funny that Ryan of all people had become a comfort to her. Both saw each other almost every night and talked. Slowly they were beginning to get to know each other. Most of the talk was about the pregnancy as weird as it seemed, but Pam began to slowly get to know the guy she was in fact planning on having a baby with.
She learned he grew up in Pennsylvania and his father had died when he was younger. She knew he was in business school, and had taken this job in the office shortly after finishing college. She learned he was much like every other guy his age. He loved sports, his dog, and taking trips. He told her he used to party a lot once he was in school but was slowing down since he started school. That he took the temp job to finish paying off his loans and that as weird as it sounded liked to read in his spare time.
Pam at first felt uncomfortable sharing things with him but she knew this was just the beginning. She told him her love of art and how she had been dating Roy since high school. That she always dreamed of going to art school and how she loved listening to music. She had to laugh, these were things you learned on the first date, not with someone you were having a baby with.
Both talked, and began making each other laugh and felt more and more comfortable with each other. She found Ryan very easy to talk to and easy going. She also began to notice how in some strange way how cute he was. She knew these feelings were stupid and not right to have now of all times, but she couldn't help it. He wasn't Roy, or Jim…he was different.
Soon she began to feel butterflies whenever she looked at him during one of Michael's many stupid meetings, or whenever they sat in their apartments or condos laughing and watching TV and talking. She found his dark hair and striking blue eyes attractive while she hid her true feelings from her mother who had asked. She told him she didn't know how she felt and that she didn't want to look at him that way. They were focusing on this baby, not them. Still, they were having a baby together after all and she had slept with him. Much for the life of her she couldn't remember.
Each time she looked at her flat stomach she couldn't believe it.
Ryan and her were having a baby.
Thinking of the day before, how both of them had made separate excuses to miss out on the Christmas party, both had gone back to Pam's place and had dinner. That's when Pam felt funny from the smell of the food and started throwing up. While she was doing so Ryan held her hair, rubbing her back before he kissed the back of her neck. Pam remembered feeling funny, and how she couldn't help but smile. She waited for him to do it again but he didn't. He simply kept rubbing her back before she finished. Turning she tried to smile at him feeling slightly awkward before Ryan just stared at her.
"What?"
"Nothing."
Ryan smiled.
Taking her hand the two of them finished dinner.
Now here she was driving to his house.
Was this really happening?
Pulling into the small parking area, Pam put the car in park and sat there for a moment or so. Watching the snow fall everywhere, she spotted Ryan's blue car parked a few spaced away. Taking a heavy breath she clutched her coat closed, grabbed her purse and got out.
Reaching his floor, Pam smoothed down her hair before ringing the bell. She had agreed to spend the holiday with her parents tomorrow. Standing there for a second, shifting from foot to foot she really wondered if this was what it was going to be like for now on. That's when Ryan answered the door smiling.
"Hey."
Once inside and settled, Ryan brought her into his empty living room and brought her a nice hot cup of tea. Dressed in jeans and a dark shirt Ryan looked slightly tired, circles were under each of his eyes and he looked as though something was bothering him.
"So I take it Michael sent you enough texts to last you for the next year?"
Pam asked smiling as he sat down beside her. His small fireplace was going and Pam felt a warn sense of comfort sitting here. There were no decorations nor tree, yet it seemed all very welcoming and nice. Ryan rolled his eyes before he showed her his cell.
"Yeah, sent me an email just this morning. I guess the Christmas party wasn't what he dreamed up. My 'I'm visiting my family' thing worked and so didn't your 'I have the flu.' but I guess Oscar and Toby bailed and Dwight caught them at Poor Richard's later that night."
Pam smiled.
"Busted."
"Yeah I guess Meredith got drunk and tried doing a strip tease for everyone…Angela walked out while Creed started taking photos."
Pam began cracking up with him before he offered her something to eat.
An hour later both finished their meals, which Ryan had cooked himself. He admitted he really wasn't the greatest cook in the world and mostly ordered take out. Feeling full and relaxed Pam told him it was great. Washing the dishes and going back to the living room they mostly talked about past holidays they had and some of their best memories of Christmas morning as a kid. They joked about last year's office party, and then Ryan asked how she was feeling.
"Better, felt a little car sick on the way over but I'm good."
Ryan smiled.
"That's good."
Both sat there talking a while longer before Pam cleared her throat, she never felt so nervous before in her entire life.
"Listen…Ryan, I have to tell you something…it's important and I want you to hear me out."
Ryan sat beside her on the couch before dropping his eyes.
"Pam…"
"No, I need to say this. The last month has been crazy and between us now deciding we're going to do this and how fast things are going I just need to let you know something."
"Pam I…"
"Shhh, please just let me say it."
Ryan sat there, his eyes serious.
"Okay."
Pam stared down at her hands before looking up at him nervous.
"Ryan, a lot has happened…but in some strange way for the first time in my life I feel certain that I'm doing the right thing. I'm terrified but…I'm glad we're doing this, and I'm glad it's with you."
Ryan looked as though he wanted to say something but listened as she went on. Taking a deep breath Pam felt her heart begin to pound in her chest.
"I didn't love Roy…and I thought I loved Jim, but by the time I finally saw that he was gone. I know I can't wait forever and if he's moved on with his life…I should move on with mine."
"Are you sure about that?"
Pam raised an eyebrow and looked confused.
"What?"
"What if tomorrow Jim came back…would everything change?"
Pam thought about this for second before shaking her head.
"No…it wouldn't."
Ryan looked as though he knew better but let her go on.
"You're a great person Ryan, and I'm finally seeing that now. I know you're serious about what you're saying and I know as hard as it's going to be, we'll make good parents for this baby. I know this wasn't what we originally wanted, not even in a million years…but sitting here tonight I don't know, doesn't it feel right? Us?"
Pam leaned forward, closing her eyes before gently kissing Ryan on the lips. The kiss lasted only a few seconds but it was tender and passionate. Both opened their eyes before sitting back. Ryan looked at her, his eyes filled with sorrow.
"I'm dying Pam."