May

Ryan swore underneath his breath before focusing on Pam. Her beautiful gray eyes stared up at him, waiting and slightly uncomfortable.

"Listen Ryan you don't have…"

"Shhhh, hold on…"

Ryan tried again, sweat rolling down his face as he tried his hardest. Pam waited, laying down in their bed before really seeing how skinny he had gotten in the last couple of months. It seemed funny, he seemed to be growing frailer, while her body was growing. Her nine month pregnant stomach stuck out perfectly against her small frame. Ryan laid on top of her, trying again before Pam gently bit on her bottom lip.

"Listen Ryan, it's getting late. We're tried different positions…maybe tomorrow night."

Ryan looked down at her, his face very drawn and exhausted. Pam hated seeing him like this before she smiled.

"Anyways, she's kicking up a storm, might be better just to relax."

Ryan stare down at her before nodding, gently and carefully he lifted himself off her and settled down beside her. Grabbing the sheets to pull up on herself, Pam looked over at him and smiled.

"Hey, what's wrong?"

Ryan looked annoyed and sighed.

"I haven't been able to do it with you in almost two months…I mean I want to, but I can't…you know, I can't…"

Pam knew this was embarking for him. She knew very much what he meant, the doctors had informed her things like this would start happening as the illness went forward. Pam on the other hand blamed the treatment, deep in her heart she knew it was working and as horrible as Ryan looked now she knew within time it would be worth it.

"Hey it doesn't help I'm getting so huge."

Ryan smiled before kissing her, his hand slid against the curve of her stomach and the baby began moving just by his touch.

"Don't say that, you're beautiful."

Pam smiled through the kiss and thought back on the last couple of months and how much their life's had really changed. Just two weeks ago Jim had come back from Stamford. Pam who was still working sat behind her desk answering phones and had just emailed Ryan who was at the condo resting. The day before he had spent nearly the entire night at the hospital after waking up not being able to see out of his right eye. After a few hours his vision slowly came back but his fingertips felt numb and he also began to vomit what looked to be blood. The doctors kept a close eye on him before letting Pam take him home. By now Pam knew every single doctor and nurse who worked there. They were there at least three or five times out of the week between hospital visits, appointments, blood work, and treatment. Pam had now memorized all of Ryan's mediation. Knew which pill was what and when he should take it. She had bought at least two dozen books on his condition and knew exactly what to do now whenever something went wrong. She knew all the emergency numbers to call and still acted like a cheerleader never giving up hope. She hated the fact he was getting so sick so quickly. The doctor's had said eighteen months but they all hinted that Ryan might not even last that long.

Pam meanwhile didn't want to hear it. The thought of loosing Ryan now, before the baby terrified her. She was now in love with this man and wouldn't leave him for a second. She was always positive and always tried to keep his spirits lifted. She knew what always cheered him up…the baby. He loved talking about it, in fact he always seemed so excited whenever one of her appointments came up. It seemed as though Pam was very invested in Ryan's illness, while Ryan knew everything about Pam's pregnancy. While she bought books about tumors and how to care for sick patients, he bought books about the baby, the pregnancy, and name books. He always laughed and looked in complete wonder whenever they had an ultrasound done. He always made the nurse print out copies of the baby and show them off to everyone. His mother had shown her face only twice since, both Ryan and her had talked in private and she seemed very cold to Pam. She wanted to know exactly what was going on with her son's health and asked Pam before she left if she really did indeed plan on keeping the baby. Pam glared at her and said of course. Since then it was just the two of them.

Ryan had broke the news of his illness just like he told Pam he would. First he talked with Toby and then it spread across the office much like the news of Pam's pregnancy. People were completely stunned and Michael burst out crying before wrapping his arms around Ryan and telling him they were going to beat this thing. Mostly everyone didn't know what to say. They were all in shock. Kelly of course asked Pam a million questions, mostly what she was going to do raising the baby alone if something happened to Ryan. Pam couldn't believe this and snapped back.

"Nothing is going to happen to Ryan! Nothing!"

Everyone now treated Pam as though she was made out of glass. They knew both Ryan and her had a lot going on. Pam of course heard whisperers, but tried to ignore them. Ryan worked up until April when finally he became too sick. He was loosing weight and his visits to the hospital were messing up with his days at work. He next very exhausted most of the time and often threw up now before loosing feeling in one of his arms for a few hours. The doctors said it was best for him to take time off and spend it at home. But Ryan still tried to drive her to work every morning. The days he was too sick to get out of bed Pam would drive herself, always knowing Ryan hated this since he worried about her. He would usually as much as he could come by every day to have lunch with Pam. Everyone treated him different now, even Angela and Dwight. They knew they were looking at a dying man every time he walked in the front door.

On Pam's lunches, they would sit together, laughing, catching up on what was going on in the office, and just feeling good. Phyllis commented once to Meredith that they made a very sweet couple whenever she looked at the two of them, and that it was such a shame that this was happening to the two of them and that Pam would raise the baby alone.

Ryan sometimes came in using a cane, his right leg had been acting up lately and it felt funny whenever he moved. He also wore a baseball cap, the treatments were making his once rich dark thick hair now slowly thin and fall out. His cheekbones were showing now, and each time Pam looked at him her heart broke. She couldn't believe just a few months would do this to someone and change them so much. But Ryan's attitude was always good. He loved thinking about the baby and the second they found out they were having a girl he asked Pam if they could name it Ginger.

"Ginger why Ginger?"

Ryan looked off for a second before smiling, as if he was thinking of something.

"I don't know…I guess I just like the name."

So now they were going to have a little girl named Ginger. Pam would often lay awake most nights in Ryan's arms, feeling her stomach and hoping the baby would look more like Ryan. Most of all his big blue eyes.

But Ryan still stayed strong. In the beginning before things got so bad the two of them moved together into Pam's place. It was funny how quickly they adjusted and couldn't believe how comfortable they were with each other. Nearly every thing they did made each other think it was cute. Both also made love nearly every night before Ryan began to get weaker. This part killed Ryan and partly shamed him. In private he was embarrassed and also knew what the doctors were telling him.

The treatments weren't working, he was getting worse. He knew Pam wouldn't hear any of this and force him to keep fighting until the day he finally dropped. He knew this was her way of dealing with it and that she was only just scared because she loved him so much. Ryan was mostly scared of leaving her alone and maybe not being able to see his daughter be born.

But Jim did walk through the door that day. Of course gossip always traveled fast and Pam had heard that Kevin and him had stayed in contact over the last couple of months. She knew Kevin must of said something about her and Ryan.

She felt slightly nervous, yet couldn't really feel that worried about it. She knew for sure now she wasn't in love with Jim anymore. She loved Ryan now, and she was going to have his baby and prove everyone wrong in making sure he would be okay.

Right away Jim looked at her and smiled.

"Hey Beesly."

Pam smiled looking up at him.

"Hi Jim."

Getting up from her chair she wrapped her arms around him and hugged him tightly. A few seconds later he stood back looking a little awkward and suspired.

"Whoa…is there something different about you."

Pam smiled, putting her hands on her hips, her seven month stomach seemed very large under her blue sweater.

"Hummm, whatever do you mean?"

"It's your hair…yep your hair."

Both laughed before Jim looked at her, still in complete awe before shaking his head.

"I can't believe it…wow seems like I've been gone for years."

Pam smiled looking up at him.

"Yeah, a lot has been going on."

Jim kept looking at Pam's stomach.

"Wow…you and Ryan?"

Pam nodded.

"Yep."

"Sorry, I guess I'm in shock…I never thought…"

"Yeah neither did I."

"Are you two?…"

"We're together yes."

"How far along are you?"

"Seven months, we're having a girl."

Jim smiled still in shock.

"A girl? Wow Pam that's amazing!"

"I know…"

Both locked eyes for a second and Pam could see a tiny hint of sadness in his eyes before he sighed.

"I just can't believe it."

Pam looked at him.

Before she could say anything Michael jumped out of the office.

That day when the two of them finally got a chance to talk Pam learned Jim was dating the new girl Karen. Both sat together in the kitchen slightly catching up. Jim talked about Stamford, and asked questions of the baby. Before they could really get into things Karen came in and re-introduced herself again. Pam sensed she was a nice girl and very right for Jim.

"So where is Ryan? I didn't see him at all today…is he running errands for Michael?"

Pam went to open her mouth to say something when Ryan walked in, using his cane and wearing a baseball cap. He had Pam's lunch with him. Walking in, Pam saw Jim's eyes.

"Hey guys."

"R-Ryan?"

Ryan smiled, his lips now looked an ash gray.

"Hey man what's up good to see you."

Jim eyed Pam and then looked back at Ryan.

"Hey…"

"So how was Stamford?"

Jim fumbled with his words before Pam introduced him to Karen as her 'boyfriend' Ryan joked around a little and seemed in a good mood before giving Pam her lunch.

"Listen my brother is coming over in a little bit…"

"Go, I'm fine. I have plenty to catch up on."

Ryan looked at Jim for a second and noticed he was avoiding eye contact. Smiling he kissed Pam.

"Yeah I think you're right. Listen I'll be here at six."

"Okay, thanks hon."

They kissed again before he left. Pam saw Jim was watching Ryan as he walked out. Just then Karen's phone rang and she left, leaving the two of them alone.

Jim was speechless. Pam looked at him.

"I guess we do have a lot to talk about."

For the rest of their lunch break they sat in the back room and talked. Pam went over the last couple of months, dealing with how she found out she was pregnant, how great Ryan had been, his accident, and then how he found out about the tumors. She told him about how both had agreed that they were going to raise this baby before and after they found out how sick Ryan was. That both were living together and how much she had grown to really care for him. She told him about the treatments, and how things were going.

"So the doctor said eighteen months?"

"That's just what they said. He's been doing his treatments and started new medication. He seems to be responding very well to them."

Jim just stared helplessly at his friend, the girl he was once and maybe still in love with.

"You love him don't you?"

Pam looked at Jim before nodding.

"I do."

Since then things had stayed the same. The Stamford branch were adjusting to Michael's style of the office, while Pam sat behind her desk answering phones. She was always thinking about Ryan and lit up whenever he came over for lunch. From afar Jim would watch the two of them and see how horrible Ryan looked. It broke his heart.

Pam and Jim were still the same as friends, as awkward as it was. Pam saw how much Karen cared about him and still laughed whenever he played the same old tricks on Dwight.

Ryan was still going to the hospitals, getting those horrible syringes, and treatments. He was sick most of the time now and his vision was getting worse. Pam knew within time he would have to stop driving. Most nights he would wake up in a cold sweat. Pam would get damp facecloths and rub his thin body down with him while he shook. Whenever he started vomiting real bad she would call an ambulance. He had been taken to the hospital three times all ready in the last few months. But he still always smiled for Pam, he hated that all Pam could talk about was the illness. He wanted to talk about the baby. Behind her back he even went into his savings and made sure what little he had it would all go straight to Pam and his unborn daughter.

So that night as Ryan and her laid side by side, Pam smiled gently leaning down and kissing him. Her hands went up and slowly began clutching onto him as their mouths opened and closed. That's when she pulled her hand back and a huge chunk of Ryan's hair was in it. Pam looked stunned while Ryan laughed and ran his own hand through his hair, more hair fell out before he sighed.

"I should really just shave it."

Pam made a face before shaking her head.

"Don't, I love your hair."

"You mean what's left of it."

"Ryan…"

Ryan grinned.

"Sorry."

The rest of the night they sat up in bed watching TV. Pam brought in a huge glass of milk and was in the middle of breaking up graham crackers in it before eating the mush with a spoon. Ryan, who was chewing on ice chips eyed her and made a face.

"That's disgusting."

Pam started laughing, nearly choking.

"It's good!"

"You have the weirdest cravings…"

"It's good I swear! Try some."

Pam held out a spoon with the brown mush on it. Ryan eyed it for a second before tasting it. Pam smiled.

"Well?"

Ryan looked at her before shrugging.

"You're going to make our baby fat."

Pam started cracking up before hitting him with a pillow. Both started laughing before Pam quickly put her glass and spoon on the nightstand. Both began a pillow fight before Pam rolled over on top of Ryan and started ticking him.

"Be careful the baby!"

Ryan laughed as Pam's beautiful red hair hung in her face. Laughing she tickled him even more.

"Oh no! You're not using that on me!"

Ryan kept laughing before both settled down, Pam sat on Ryan as he looked up at her from their bed now with all it's pillows on the ground. Both caught their breaths before Pam smiled down at him.

"Marry me?"

Ryan looked as though he hadn't heard right. He raised an eyebrow.

"What?"

"Marry me."

"Are you serious?"

Pam smiled before gently touching his chest.

"Of course I am. I love you."

"Pam I'm…"

"Don't…come on, look me in the eye and tell me you don't love me."

Ryan smiled up at her before Pam leaned down and kissed him.

The next day while Pam slept in bed, Ryan got his coat on and snuck out before eight. Driving, Ryan looked at all the beautiful full blossom trees and clear blue sky. Smiling, he thought back at last night and how Pam had proposed. He loved her so much it hurt, somehow he knew this was the way their life's were supposed to go. Yet, Ryan didn't really know how to feel about it. He didn't want to put Pam's hopes up. He knew he was dying, he could feel it. Marrying her and then making her a widow wasn't exactly what he wanted to do. He just wanted to make sure her and his baby would be okay.

So he found the right house, parked and rang the bell.

A few minutes later a very sleepy looking Jim answered the door.

"Ryan?"

Ryan looked at him, hands stuffed in his pockets and a baseball cap covering his falling out hair.

"Jim can I talk to you? It's important."

Jim looked at him, now fully awake.

"Yeah sure…is anything wrong?"

"No…but I have to have you make me a promise."

With that Jim let Ryan inside.