Return of the Jedi - A Parody - --------
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Chapter 12 - There's something about Vader -
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The Death Star sat alone in space, but he would be soon joined by friends that he didn't want.
" It's too damn lonely out here. " The Death Star said to himself.
The Rebel fleet appeared out of nowhere, zooming towards the Death Star. Lando started to flick switches and dials, making the noises himself.
" Click, bleep. " Lando said.
" Hummana hummana. " His copilot jestured with both alien hands.
" All wings, report in. " Lando announced.
" Red leader, standing by. "
" Gray leader, standing by. "
" Green leader, standing by. "
" Red leader, standing by. "
" We know about you already, Red leader. " Lando was annoyed by Red leader's attention grabbing schemes.
" Gay leader, standing by. Sisters! "
" What the hell ? " Lando checked the leader board.
" Lock S-foils in attack positions. " Wedge ordered.
" Umm, I can't find my S-foils. "
" Green leader, press the blue button near your left foot. " Wedge helped Green leader.
" My S-foils are locked in retreat positions. "
" You guys really suck, did you pay attention during the simulations? " Wedge was angered.
Lando watched the Death Star grow on his viewscreen, he thought back to a time when he depended on Han to turn off a sheild generator on his casino so customers could enter without getting zapped. Fifteen of his customers died before Han could shut down the shield.
" Pull up! All craft, pull up! " Lando screamed into his comlink.
" What the hell, Lando? " Ackbar checked in.
" The shield is still on! " Lando screamed again.
Ackbar sighed and ordered his helmsman to turn the giant ship around again, the whole process took five to ten minutes at a time. He texted his buddies back home, then started to play on-line poker. He noticed one of the poker players going all in right at the start of the game....
" It's a trap! " Ackbar screamed into his monitor.
The Rebels didn't notice the thousands of fighters behind them, the fight was on.
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Inside the throne room.....
" Come boy, see the destruction of your little friends. " The Emperor jestured with his old, white hands at the round viewport. Far in the distance, the space battle was furious.
Luke was having trouble holding his anger in check.
" Let me tell you a story, young boy. " The Emperor leaned back and cracked a slight smile as he dove into the tale.
" Back when I was very , very young. I battled millions and millions of other sperm in my epic quest to reach the egg, on this long and trecherous journey I made a friend I'll call SAM. Sam was my best friend on this journey, when we finally made it to the end of our journey, I killed ......."
" Could we skip ahead a few hundred years please. " Luke almost screamed, then eyed his lightsaber on the arm rest of the throne.
" Yes, " The Emperor sat up a little, then continued, " I was on a long quest in the gang filled regions of Tatooine when I was sixteen, I witnessed a gang related crime. Two Hutt killed a merchant right in an alley, they were high power Hutt's, one would never think they could do this kind of act. I ran home and told my mother and she got scared and said your moving with your aunte and uncle in Bel-Air. I whistled for a cab and when it came near, the license plate said Fresh and it had a dice in the mirror, if anything I could say that this cab was rare...."
" COULD WE PLEASE STOP WASTING TIME !! " Luke punched the wall.
" Yes, boy. Yes. " The Emperor sat back and cracked a small smile.
" Perhaps you are right. I pulled up to the house about seven or eight and yelled to the cabbie, yo homme smell ya later ! Looked at my kingdom , I was finally there..... "
Luke reached out with the force and grabbed his lightsaber from the arm of the throne, he intended to strike the old man down to nothing. WHAMPH!!!!! The blue lightsaber cut through The Emperor in an angled slice, cutting through him like a hunting knife through warm butter.
Kooooo-Paaaaaa!!! " Wait! I wasn't ready ! " Vader announced, fumbling through his cloak for his lightsaber.
The End
Not yet..........
That didn't really happen.........
Vader was quick enough and blocked Luke's strike as The ( now alive ) Emperor laughed in his cackling way. The lightsaber duel would begin .
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On the moon...........
Some fighting broke out.
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On 35th Street ..............
" Marsha! Could you bring me those files on the Donaldson case. " Jim yelled over the Raggae music blaring throughout the office. He hated Bring your own stupid ass music Fridays.