"Duke, I don't understand why you think I can conduct an autopsy with an audience," Doc said.
"I can't believe they killed Bazooka," Duke said, ignoring Doc completely. "And without a mark on him. How did they do it? Why did they do it? What does it mean?"
"Seriously, guys. If I'm going to figure out how he died, you have to suit up or leave," Doc said.
"There's something in his mouth," Scarlett said. "Ew. That's, like, so totally gross."
"Duke? Can you even hear me?" Doc asked.
"I…I just don't understand," Duke said. He concentrated for a moment, squinching his eyes closed, then frowned. "Scarlett, hand me those saline drops. I need to get appropriately teary-eyed."
Doc shrugged, and pulled the roll of paper from Bazooka's mouth.
Apparently Bazooka's weed packed a punch, Snake Eyes remarked.
"I don't think it's weed, Snakes. On the other hand, toxicology might not be a bad idea. Unfortunately, toxicology would require you all to leave. Now." Doc waited, but still, no one heard him. Finally, he just left. Obviously, his job was done.
"Look. It's a secret message from Storm Shadow," Scarlett said.
He could have just texted, Snake Eyes said. He grabbed the paper, and shone his super-special-secret flashlight on it. Tommy wanted to meet him on the island…just like always.
"I know what happens next, Snake Eyes," Duke said.
But I haven't even told you anything yet. That means that either you have ESP…or this has happened before, Snake Eyes said. But if Tommy just killed a Joe every time he needed to deliver a message to me, we'd have a lot of dead bodies on our hands…explain yourself.
"The Author is just disgusted by all your unnecessary ninja battles, and made a sort of Freudian slip when they were writing our dialogue," Duke said.
So, I guess I'll just go fight Tommy, Snake Eyes said. Guess how much animation money I'm about to waste!
"And Scarlett, you have to choose. Now," Duke said.
"Just like that?"
"Just like that."
"Oh, okay then. Vanilla," Scarlett replied.
"That's not what I meant," Duke said.
"Picard?" Scarlett asked. "I mean, I always liked Kirk, but really, Q pushed me over the edge-"
"No. It's more important than that," Duke said.
"Oh, I know what you mean," Scarlett said. "Then I pick All State. That way, I know that I'm in good hands."
"Like my hands?" Duke asked.
"You're so silly," Scarlett said, winking ferociously. "Now, what do you really mean?"
"Choose me or Snake Eyes, now."
"I choose both of you!" Scarlett said, smiling infectiously. "Now, let's get down to business on Bazooka – where's Doc?"
"No, Scarlett, pick now," Duke insisted. "The fans want some clear-cut answers."
"But I don't want to choose now," Scarlett said, slightly confused.
"I'm making you," Duke said.
"Why are you forcing me to choose which one of you I want a serious relationship with in the middle of an international crisis?" Scarlett asked. "And, as a matter of fact, why is this your decision? This is my choice alone, and it seems patronizingly sexist to imply that I can't decide whom I want to be romantically entangled with. So, I ask you again…why are you making me choose?"
"Because it's obvious that your indecisive female brain just can't make that decision," Duke said. "I'm not being sexist…I'm your knight in shining armor, saving you from the muddled depths of the inferior female intellect."
Scarlett frowned. "I may be portrayed as a slightly shallow and ditzy character right now, but I'm an independent, intelligent career woman in the real canon. So, Duke, why wouldn't I chafe at your alternately chauvinist or sexual motivations for making me choose between you and Snake Eyes?"
"Because you're a woman who's written by a man," Duke said. "Women written by men tend to be a little more, eh, old-fashioned in their thinking, just like how men written by women tend to be exceptionally sensitive and romantic."
Scarlett considered this for a moment. "So, let me get this straight…I'm supposed to fall into your arms because you're being 'strong and decisive' instead of 'sexist and overbearing'?"
"That's right," Duke said. "So, what's your choice, little girl?"
Scarlett's face adapted an enamored, nay, brainwashed look as she stared at Duke's face. "Oh, all the testosterone has just stolen my tiny and easily-influenced brain," Scarlett murmured, jaw dropping open.
Snake Eyes stared at the scene in disgust. Shana, what are you doing?! he asked. Where's the woman who faked her death in a minefield with me?
"The past is gone, Snake Eyes," Scarlett said, continuing to stare at Duke's face. "That Scarlett went with it."
Snake Eyes turned and walked away, mind focused on the safety of the hypersonic transport. He hoped that there, at least, he could mope in solitude.
A/N: I'm not against Duke/Scarlett pairings. It's simply that their relationship was portrayed in such an unhealthy (?) light in Resolute that I felt a little feminist critique was necessary. I will now get off my soap box.