"Something terrible has happened in Moscow," Duke announced.
"No way!" someone in the back said. "It's not like we all just saw it blow up in the first episode!"
"Look, I was just restating it so I could clarify that it wasn't a nuke," Duke said, glaring at the darkness behind the crowd of Joes.
"Wait…Cobra did that?" Flint asked. "Without a nuke? Why couldn't these people just make it easy and use a nuke?"
"Because it's so much cooler to invent fake technology and completely ignore the perfectly good city-destroying capabilities we have now," Scarlett said.
"But…that makes no sense…"
"The point is that 10 million people are dead, and it's Cobra's fault, so we finally got UN approval to, eh, terminate them," Duke said.
"Finally. It only took them twenty years," Flint muttered.
"If it had been my call, I would have traveled back in time and killed Cobra Commander," Duke said. "But then someone in Legal said that Terminator already took that plot, so we have to be happy with just bombing them back into the Stone Age. Great timing too, considering this is the greatest threat they've ever posed."
"You know, considering the fact that you've been able to keep these terrorists a secret for quite some time indicates that they aren't much of a threat," said the same person in the back. "Look, if they'd actually done anything threatening, the entire world would be all over it. Think UN coalitions, Duke."
"Who are you?" Duke asked.
"I'm the Devil's Advocate," the person in the back replied. "I'm here to say all the snarky things that it would be out of character for other people to say."
"We don't need oversight," Duke said.
The Devil's Advocate just cackled in reply.
"Getting back to business, this must have been planned extensively," Duke said. "It's the only explanation for the fact that they managed to pull this operation off so smoothly."
"Are you sure we weren't just uber-clueless?" Flint asked.
"You know, I considered that," Duke said. "I mean, for Cobra to pull this off, we somehow allowed them to take over the HAARP installation, mess around with an active nuclear missile silo, and take over a mid-sized Midwestern town…no, those were all just honest mistakes."
"Don't forget their greatest crime," Cover Girl said.
"What?" Duke asked.
"Killin' Bazooka," she said.
"Would you like to elaborate on that, Cover Girl?" Duke asked.
"No. My cameo is over," she said.
"Wait a minute…why do we care so much that Bazooka died, but we barely skimmed over the fact that there are 10 million people dead in Russia?" Scarlett asked.
"Because we don't care about civilians, Shana Banana," Duke said. "We just care when one of our own dies. Those 10 million people…they were just collateral damage."
"Oh, Con-Con, you're so comforting," Scarlett said. "Hold me."
"Okay," Duke said. "Hey, guys, I'm going to be, uh, busy for a while. Go harass the support staff so we can figure out what's going on."
Duke and Scarlett made a hasty get away, and the rest of the team descended into the bowels of the Flagg.
"So, do we have any answers?" Flint asked. "We've got to know what's going on!"
"Yeah, well, while you guys were having your little inspirational debriefing, we figured out what happened," the techie said. "Someone made a human sacrifice to the Gods of Fake Technology, and the gods subsequently gifted them with a Particle Cannon and a super-charged HAARP facility."
"Who did they sacrifice?" Flint asked, shocked.
"A diminutive little man, a hold-over from another era. He went by R. Dignity," the techie replied.
"Oh," Flint said. "That's really too bad."
"Wait, you said super-charged HAARP facility?" Gung-Ho asked. "Why couldn't they just use a normal HAARP facility?"
"Because the regular HAARP facility isn't that powerful," the techie said. "Here, I have some quotes directly from the HAARP website that might be handy. I underlined the important stuff."
The techie handed Gung-Ho a printout, and returned to her game of Solitaire. Flint looked down, and began to read.
"How long do the effects of ionospheric heating last?
"Since the ionosphere is, inherently, a turbulent medium that is being both "stirred up" and renewed by the sun, artificially induced effects are quickly obliterated. Depending on the height within the ionosphere where the effect is originally produced, these effects are no longer detectable after times ranging from less than a second to ten minutes.
"A good analogy to this process is dropping a stone into a fast moving stream. The ripples caused by the stone are very quickly lost in the rapidly moving water and, a little farther down the stream, are completely undetectable. A University of Alaska, Geophysical Institute scientist has compared HAARP to an "immersion heater in the Yukon River."
"Can HAARP create a hole in the ionosphere?
"No. Any effects produced by HAARP are miniscule compared with the natural day-night variations that occur in the ionosphere. Several ionospheric layers completely disappear naturally over a whole hemisphere during the evening hours. HAARP can't come close to producing this effect, even in the limited region directly over the site.
"Are these just quotes you made up?" Flint asked.
"Actually, no," the techie said. "They're available to the public at the HAARP website. They're very open about everything. HAARP isn't a classified project, so all their findings and schedules and everything are easily available on the Internet. I just googled it."
Gung-Ho frowned. "Wait. Does HAARP have the capability of heating the entire ionosphere if it's overpowered?"
The techie shrugged. "Well, the HAARP system has a total radiated power capability of 3600 kilowatts. I know that sounds like a lot of energy, but the Flagg probably uses more energy than that just to putt around the Pacific. Besides, you also have to remember that the ionosphere is a huge thing, extending from 50 to 1000 kilometers in height. You could probably calculate the volume of the ionosphere – it would be a gigantic number – and then figure out how much energy it would take to superheat it. I don't think we have that kind of energy-producing capability right now.
"Also, the amount of energy needed to sustain that superheating would be immense. Space is ultimately a very cold place, and energy always strives to reach equilibrium. So, essentially, the ionosphere would need to be pumped full of energy to sustain the superheating. It's the cosmic equivalent of trying to heat the world by leaving your door open," the techie said.
"Then what do we tell Duke?" Gung-Ho asked.
The techie tossed him a flash drive. "I made you a B.S. PowerPoint for just such an occasion," she said. "Have fun."
A/N: There really is a HAARP facility in Gakona, Alaska. The frequently asked questions, from where I took my quotes, can be found at http://www dot haarp dot alaska dot (just put periods in the appropriate places.)