Discs.: I don't own Criminal Minds nor its characters!!!
A/N: Here's finally an update (I know it took ages - but I think it was worth the wait!)...I'm already busy writing the next chapter, but given the fact that I'm pretty busy writing on my story "Be my escape" it might take a while 'til it's done and uploaded...Anyways hope you're gonna enjoy this!
Broken
8. Confrontations
Hotch woke with a start as he heard someone scream. He sat up and took a look around. It didn't take him long 'til he realised that it had been Elle who had screamed. After a moment he stretched out his left hand and caressed softly her right shoulder.
"Elle...Are you okay?"
She turned slowly around and forced a smile onto her lips.
"It was just a bad dream...I'm okay, really..."
Hotch returned the smile after trying to figure out if she was telling him the truth, then he drew her into an embrace.
"Do you think you'll be able to fall asleep again?" Hotch asked.
"Yeah..." Hotch gave her a tender kiss onto her forehead.
The next morning :
When Hotch woke up again it was already getting light. A smile appeared on his face as he noticed that Elle was awake as well. They sat up and shared a happy glance.
"It's already pretty late, how about you go and take a shower, while I make some coffee?"
"Well, that sounds extremely tempting, but considering that we both got almost no sleep last night and you still need rest, why don't you try to get some more sleep and I'll wake you up after taking a shower?"
"I'm not tired and even if I was, I won't be able to sleep again..." They locked eyes and Elle went on,
"Furthermore I got more than enough rest while I was in hospital - and in case I'm getting tired again I can still go back to bed."
"Alright..." Hotch smiled at her and got up. A moment later Elle got up as well, got dressed and went to make some coffee.
An hour later at Hotch's place :
Hotch tried to be as quiet as possible when he entered his house, not sure if Haley was still sleeping. As if to answer his unspoken question his wife approached him a moment later, Jack on her arm and a smile on her lips.
"You're already up?" Hotch asked surprised.
"Yeah, Jack wok me up around five and I couldn't get him back to sleep, so I thought it would be best to stay up..."
Hotch smiled and took Jack into his arms.
"How about I make breakfast for us and you take the time to play with Jack or something..."
They locked eyes and he replied, after taking a look at his little son :
"Sounds wonderful..."
Around half-past 8 :
Hotch went straight to his office, unwilling to talk with either Gideon nor Morgan. He didn't feel like facing the Spanish inquisition...
After a short while he had to get to the Round Table room for the briefing about their new case, but he could not really concentrate on what he was hearing. All he was able to think about was Elle and the mess he had gotten himself into.
He had no idea about what he should do. Of course he knew that he would lose everything that meant something to him if he kept seeing Elle.
Hotch sighed as he remembered how much damage the behavior of his father had caused - and he had never wanted to be like that...
The next evening :
Hotch was lying in his hotel bed and was once more thinking about what he should do. The case was closed, but given the horrible weather they had to stay longer in Seattle - the city where he had first met Elle...
He sighed and pulled the bed-spread tighter around himself. As he started to feel how tired he was he tried to push his thoughts away to get some sleep.
A few hours later :
When Hotch woke up he felt cold - extremely cold, so he went to take a hot shower to warm himself a little up.
While he was enjoying the warmth of the water which was running over his skin his mind went back to his troubles - he just couldn't stop thinking about all the things which were bothering him.
Later on the plan back to Quantico :
While the others were getting some more sleep Morgan kept watching Hotch. After a while Morgan stated bluntly :
"So you and Elle..."
Hotch stared at his colleague and asked, while wondering how much Morgan might know - could maybe know :
"What do you mean?"
"Oh come on, Hotch - it's so damn obvious that there's something going on between the two of you two...I mean, what other reason would you have for sitting in her living-room, eating Chinese takeout, drinking expensive wine and such things?"
"You're insane - I mean even if there was something between me and Elle - my private-life is non of your business, you got that?!"
"It is my business if your behavior affects our work!" Morgan ignored Hotch's glare and simply went on,
"And it certainly affects work...You're unconcentrated and unable to focus onto the case - if you're actually there in the first place that is!"
Even though they were both getting angry, they tried to keep their voices as low as possible.
"You know what, Morgan? You are certainly least in the place to comment on that!" Hotch felt how his anger and jealousy were rising again.
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"I know what you did to her..." He trailed off, while trying to to control his emotions.
"Excuse me?!" Morgan was by now getting angry as well.
"I know that you've been seeing each other - I saw you kissing at the office..."
"So what? I mean, it's not like I'm her supervisor - or as if I had a wife and little child..."
"No, you don't, but that wasn't my point - what I meant was that you first cheated on her and then dumped her like garbage!" An angry expression crossed Hotch's face.
At first Morgan didn't react to what his boss had stated, then he rolled his eyes and replied :
"First of all, I seriously doubt that you are in the position to judge on my behavior...I mean, at least I don't play games with her feelings like you're doing...And just for you're knowledge - I didn't cheat on Elle - and it's not like it had been anything serious for her..."
"Oh really? Then why did she cry?" Hotch stared his colleague right into the eyes.
"Well, why don't you ask her that?! But you should keep one thing in mind - you are far too loyal to Haley and far too ambitious concerning your career as that you would give any of these things ever up for Elle...So you should better stop acting as if I'm the one who's hurting her!" Morgan started to get aware of a vague rage he was feeling toward his boss, while he paused for a few seconds before he went on,
"We both know that you will end it the very moment you get the feeling that it could cost you either your job or your family - or even both..." He trailed off, then he added, like an afterthought,
"Oh and just by the way, do you really believe Elle would have went on that trip to Montega Bay with me if I had hurt her?"
Morgan kept looking at Hotch for a little longer then he decided that he was done with the topic, so he took his iPod out of the right pocket of his black leather-jacket and closed his eyes after turning it on.
Hotch just stared at him for a while, trying to calm down. Morgan had no idea of what he was feeling for Elle - he would never understand...
After all, Morgan was nothing but a macho - incapable of having a serious relationship.
Finally Hotch shook his head and decided to stop thinking about it. He was looking forward to getting back home - to being able to see Elle...
A few hours later, at Elle's place :
As hotch got out of his car and went to the front-door he started to get aware of the feeling of complete happiness, which overcame him whenever he was around Elle - especially when the were alone...
The moment she opened the door a smile crept on his face.
"Hey..."Elle smiley back and let him in.
After he had closed door behind him his smile widened and he gave her a soft kiss onto her lips.
"I'm so happy to be finally back..."
They locked eyes for a while then he kissed her once more - this time far more passionate and they went to her bedroom...
Some time later :
Hotch smiled happily while Elle was lying in his arms and started to kiss her again. He wasn't willing to let his sorrows ruin the night, he knew that every moment with her was incredible precious...Haley wasn't waiting for him - he had told her that he had to work, so he was able to enjoy his time with Elle.
But only a moment later his smile vanished as he heard Elle mumble something while he gave her a soft kiss onto her neck. At first he thought he had been mistaken, that his mind was playing tricks on him and he went back to painting her skin with featherlike kisses.
Only a few seconds later he had to face the fact that it hadn't been his imagination running wild, as he heard Elle whispering once more :
"Morgan..."
It was almost inaudible, but he knew he that he wasn't mistaken...So he stopped and lay back, trying to push away the thoughts which were racing through his head.
"Don't stop..."Elle looked at him, a smile on her lips and Hotch realized that she was probably not even aware of what she had said.
"Listen Elle, it's already pretty late, so why don't we try to get some sleep?" Hotch asked.
"Okay..."
Hotch put his arms around her slender form and she rested her head on his bare chest.
Elle fell asleep only a few minutes later, but Hotch couldn't find to sleep...Too many thoughts were racing through his head. He tried to convince himself that what Elle had said, had no meaning...But a few minutes later his doubts were growing as he heard Elle saying :
"God Morgan, thanks for being there tonight..."
She snuggled even closer to him and went on,
"It felt so good to talk with you..."
She paused again and Hotch wondered what she was dreaming. Just as he started to think that she was done talking in her sleep she started :
"Morgan do you really...No, don't go, please stay..."
Suddenly Hotch started asking himself if it had really been meaningless what had been between her and Morgan. After all, Elle wasn't a person who would cry about something that meant nothing to her...Had he maybe been wrong when he had assumed that she was feeling the same way for him as he for her? But if he had really been wrong, why didn't she just turn him down? Was she simply searching for comfort after what had happened to her - and he had been there?
After another while he couldn't take it anymore, it was so completely pointless to think so much about it...So he got up, dressed and left...
At Hotch's home :
As he opened quietly the front-door he hoped that Haley was deep asleep. He didn't have the energy to pretend that he was okay - 'cause he certainly wasn't...But when he entered the bedroom he found Haley still awake, reading.
He sat down next to her on the bed. Haley put the book on the nightstand, smiled at her husband and stated :
"I'm glad that you're finally home..."
Only a few seconds passed before he leaned in and gave her a tender kiss.
"Why are you still up, honey?" They locked eyes,
"I hope you were not waiting for me..."
He stretched out his right hand and caressed softly her cheek.
"Well, not exactly...I simply couldn't sleep - I was wondering how you're doing...I mean, sure you're called and told me you had to work but..."
"What is it?"
"It's ridiculous, really..." Haley smirked.
"Come on Haley...Why don't you just tell me?"
After a moment she rolled her eyes and replied :
"Okay...But I told you it's totally ridiculous..." She paused and looked him straight into the eyes, then she went on,
"Well, you changed so much in the last time - and I do not mean the last few weeks, or months...I mean ever since Elle has joined your team you changed - especially after she got shot. And there are moments when I even think that...that you have feelings for her..."
Haley went silent for a while, wondering if she should tell him all about her worries. When Hotch drew her for a moment into an embrace she knew the answer...
"I know it's ridicolous, but I just can't stop wondering if you're having an affair with her..."
"Haley, you know I would never do that to you...I mean, what does actually make you think that?"
While he was saying these words he caressed once more tenderly her face, brushing a strand of hair behind her ear, while his mind was racing...
"I'm not blind nor am I stupid, Aaron...Do you think I didn't notice the way you looked and smiled at her when she was here? And that night when you had that nightmare - I heard you talking in your sleep...But most of all - I can smell her perfume on you..." Haley was close to tears.
"Look at me Haley, please...I could never hurt you - especially not like that! Elle is only a good friend, believe me...I have to admit that I have paid her a short visit earlier to check on her, I gave her a hug - but that's it...I mean, there are certain lines I would never overstep, Haley, I would never cheat on you - especially not with a woman on my team, okay?"
"I know how stupid it sounds, I mean, I don't want to think about you like this...I wish I could simply believe you - but you changed so much..."
By now Haley was crying and it was tearing him apart...
"God Haley, I'm sorry for putting you through this, believe me...However, one thing is for sure - I love you and Jack...I won't be able to live without you..."
He pulled her close again and whispered soothing words to her, while stroking softly her back. After her sobs had subsided he put some space between them and said :
"Listen honey, I'm going to change clothes and then we get some sleep, okay?"
She only nodded, so he got up and went to the adjoining bathroom to change. When he reentered the room, Haley had already laid back and observed him as he was turning off the lights and finally lying down next to her. He put his arms around her and kissed her softly, first onto her forehead then onto her lips. They locked eyes and she snuggled as close to him as possible, then she whispered quietly :
"I love you, Aaron..."
"I know, and I love you too...But we should really get some sleep now..."
The next morning :
Hotch woke up by chilly feeling. He was shivering even though his entire body was covered in sweat and he was wrapped up in the warm cocoon of his bed-spread. The moment he got up he felt a flash of dizziness, but he simply ignored it and went to take a shower. A frustrated sigh escaped his mouth as he realized that even the hot water wasn't capable of making him feel warm today, so he gave it up and got ready for work before he went downstairs and was immediately greeted by his wife and the scent of freshly brewed coffee.
After giving her a soft kiss he sat down at the dining-table and took a sip of his coffee. He made a painful grimace while trying to shake the doomed feeling that he was coming down with something...
But Hotch decided to push this thought away - just like so many others in the last time...
"Are you okay, Aaron?" Haley looked concerned at her husband.
"Yeah, but I think I might caught a cold or something..." He smiled warmly at her,
"Don't worry, I'm okay..."
"Why don't you stay at home and go to see a doctor?"
"I can't stay at home...the team is already one agent down, so..."
"Alright...Just don't overdo it, okay? And in case you feel worse come home...I don't want to lose you because you were unconcentrated and got shot..."
"I'm gonna be fine...Trust me..." Hotch smirked at his wife, got up and ready to leave.
Instead of kissing Haley goodbye he simply drew her into an embrace and let the fingers of his right slide through her hair, while he told her that he was going to call her later...
At the office :
Hotch's mood was already bad as he entered the building...It was raining traffic had been a mess and given this fact he was late...
He hated being late, whenever one of the agents on his team wasn't on time he scolded them, but how could he make them stick to the rules, if he himself wasn't doing so either?
An angry expression crossed his face as he started sneezing - again and hurried to get to his own office, feeling how the noise in the bullpen was making his headaches even worse. After almost five minutes of sneezing Hotch took in a deep breath and closed his eyes for a moment.
Just as he was starting to relax a bit he was interrupted by a knock against his office-door, he let out a heavy sigh and forced himself to say :
"Yeah?"
The door opened and JJ entered the room, files in hands...He sighed once more and asked :
"New case?"
JJ only nodded, then she wanted to know when the briefing was supposed to start - and finally left. Hotch stared for a moment at the files in front of him...
He had hoped it would be a quiet day, so he could catch up on some paperwork - but apperantly it wasn't his lucky day...
After another moment he finally took a look through the files of the new case, but he barely got the meaning of what he was reading. Eventually he had to leave his office for the briefing.
He had to stop for a moment as another wave of sneezes broke free. When he had finally taken a seat at the round table he forced himself to focus onto the things his colleagues were saying.
But after only a few minutes he started coughing - and lost track of what was said. The others paused and Gideon asked :
"You're okay?"
Hotch felt the eyes of his colleagues resting on him, but given the fact that he couldn't stop coughing he simply signalled his colleagues that he was okay by nodding his head. But the very same moment he regretted it as the throbbing pain in his skull was increasing rapidly.
As he was finally done with coughing he pointed out :
"It's just a cold..."
"You're calling that a cold? You should certainly be at home, getting some rest instead of working..." Gideon stated looking at Hotch like he was a little child.
"I'm fine, you got that?" Hotch glared at his friend and simply ignored the worried faces of his colleagues,
"Could we get back to the case now?!"
By now Hotch's mood was at a complete low - his head and throat were hurting and he simply couldn't focus onto the task at hand. Hotch knew that the others were right - he should go home, but he won't let other people tell him what he should do...
He was going to hold on a few more hours - even if he was only sitting in his office pretending he was busy while in reality he was thinking about his problems...Then he would pack up his stuff as well as the pile of paperwork and go home...
And tomorrow he would call in sick...Maybe spending some time with Jack and Haley was all he needed for making a decision 'cause he knew that he had to come to terms about what he wanted...
Later that day :
The case was already solved after only a few hours when the UnSub turned himself in. The rest of the day was quiet and Hotch was feeling completely healthy again...Still he took most of his paperwork with him when he left for home - just in case...
Against better knowledge he didn't drive home immediately, instead he found himself parking in the street where Elle was living. He pulled a face at the thought of having to walk through the pouring rain up to Elle's door. But after the crappy day he had he just had to see her - he needed her so goddamn much...
And this fact made him angry - everything that bothered him was piling up and by now it was just getting too much.
Meanwhile :
Elle was sitting in the living-room and thought about Hotch...In fact she was actually not sure what she should think about him...On the one hand she got the impression that he really cared about her, but on the other hand there were moments when she thought he might just feel guilty for what happened to her. Furthermore he was...
She was interrupted in her train of thought by someone knocking against the front-door. At first she was like paralyzed, and even though she realized only a few seconds later that it could be Hotch she decided to pretend she wasn't hearing anything.
But the hammering sound was too annoying to be ignored, so she got up, at the seventh knock she was at the door and opened it. Just like she had suspected it was Hotch, yet she was surprised by his visit...
Flashback :
Elle awoke with a scream...It had been the very same nightmare which haunted her ever since she woke up at the hospital. After she had calmed down a bit she turned toward Hotch, who she had probably woken up - but he wasn't there.
She stretched out her left hand and let it slide over the spot where Hotch had been lying, before she had fallen asleep. Even though she barely touched the fabric she could tell that he was already gone for hours, probably he had left short after she had fallen asleep.
Elle felt how her eyes welled up with unshed tears, but she won't allow them to break free. After all she had known the deal - this was a meaningless fling, a release for the stress of their job, the hurt, disgust, sorrow...
Sure he had never said anything concerning this one, but it wasn't necessary...They were nothing but friends - if that...Did he care about her? - Most definitely, his team was like a second family to him, so that was no surprise. He had been a lot at the hospital, but he hadn't been there for her...
Hotch had been there, because he felt like it had been his fault what had happened to her...He had needed to make sure that she was going to be okay, so he stayed...
End flashback
"Why are you here?" She didn't even bother trying to hide her conflicted emotions, 'cause she knew that he would see right through the lie - right through her...
He tried to lock eyes with her, but she refused, so he let his head drop and asked quietly :
"Can I come in?"
Only then she realized that he was completely soaked and she stepped aside, letting him in.
He immediately closed and locked the door as fast as he probably could.
"You didn't answer my question, why are you here?"
She noticed once more his appearance, he seemed tired and also angry and desperate; he wasn't wearing a suit jacket, maybe so it won't get soaked; his tie was loosened; his hair was just as wet the rest of him, it was tousled, probably because of the wind...
It wasn't the Hotch she thought she knew who was standing in front of her. This Hotch lacked the strength which was normally kinda radiating from him...
Instead of giving her an answer he kissed her harsh, pushing her forcibly against the wall. He broke the kiss for a moment and stated firmly :
"This means nothing!" He didn't bother to mention the topic of birth-control, knowing perfectly well that she was on the pill.
She nodded in understanding and he kissed her again, this time even harsher and more passionate. Elle took off his tie and tugged impatiently at his shirt while he lifted her top and pulled it over her head.
As she unbuttoned his shirt a few buttons popped away and fell on the ground. Hotch glared at her for a moment then he gave her another unforgiving kiss. Elle simply ignored the grimy expression on his face and pulled off his shirt, before she unbuckled his belt and pulled his suit-pants and boxers off as well.
Meanwhile Hotch was struggling to open her bra, breaking a clasp and tearing the thin fabric, when he had finally got it open he let the ruined material fall to the ground and hurried to open her tight jeans and pulling it down along with her panties.
A moment later he lifted her up and entered her roughly, unwilling to wait any longer, she wrapped her legs around his waist. As he bit her neck Elle leaned her head back, allowing him better access. When Hotch felt Elle's finger-nails start scraping the skin on his shoulders he grabbed her wrists, pressing her hands against the wall and stated firmly :
"No marks! Haley is not supposed to find out about this!"
They locked eyes and shared another inexorable kiss. Hotch thought back to what had happened to Elle - what he let happen to her and the anger returned.
He pushed Elle even closer to the wall, if that was actually even possible, which caused her head to hit it hard, but they were both too lost in the moment as that they'd have noticed.
They didn't exchange any kind gestures, or soft lingering touches. Nor did they exchange any words of love, both knowing that they won't be received well. When they came, they didn't exclaim each others names.
As Hotch pulled out and let her down, Elle didn't look at him, knowing exactly that she won't find a smile or any comfort.
They got dressed in perfect silence, when they were done Hotch turned toward her once more. He closed the space between them in no time and gave her one last harsh kiss, before he repeated once more in a firm voice :
"This means nothing at all!"
And with that he was gone.
After the door had closed Elle crouched down to pick up her ruined bra and went to dump it into the trash-can. She felt her tears threatening to break free again, but she fought them back successfully for another time - at least for a moment...
In the end her emotions got the best of her and she broke down into tears.
It wasn't like it had been that different than the times before, yet it had been the first time he had been so rough toward her and actually made clear that it meant nothing - that she meant nothing to him.
This time it had been all about him - about his needs, before this time he had always given her the impression that he at least cared a little bit about her...
But apparently she had been mistaken...
Tbc
A/N: Hope you liked it! Please take the time to review!