Discs.: I don't own CM nor its characters!
A/N: Here's another update...
Broken
11. Pain and confusion
As Elle woke up by the ringing of a cell phone she turned around to Morgan, who grabbed the item and answered the call. After he had ended the conversation she asked :
"New case?"
"Yeah, Baltimore has a problem with catching a serial killer..."
"So chances are good that we'll see each other tonight..." Elle said, a hopeful smile on her lips.
"Seems that way..." Morgan replied, then he leaned in and kissed her softly before getting up.
A moment later Elle followed him and went to the kitchen to make some coffee while Morgan was getting dressed.
When Morgan had left Elle let out a sigh and went to take a shower. She had no clue what she should do the entire day. Maybe she should clean her apartment or take care of her laundry...She could also go shopping or go for a run, but not one of these things was really tempting.
The truth was all she wanted to do was getting back to work as soon as anyway possible. But of course she knew that it would still take quite a while before she would get the okay for that by her doctor - and she knew that Hotch won't let her come back for work until her doctor had cleared her for the field.
At the thought of her supervisor Elle remembered what had happened the passed night...
Flashback :
It hadn't taken long for Morgan to fall asleep, but she herself just couldn't find to sleep, no matter how hard she tried. Instead her mind was working overtime and the one thought most present in her head was Hotch.
She still remembered that afternoon when he had kissed her for the first time, still remembered the intensity and passion of his kiss and the way he had looked at her after he had broken away...
Whenever he had touched her, whenever he had kissed her she had felt so much better. Of course she had known that it was wrong, but she couldn't fight against the temptation, 'cause she knew that he was healing her wounds by just being close to her. When he was there she could stop thinking about what had happened, he made her feel safe again...
And all of a sudden she realized that she had unknowingly lied to Morgan when she had told him that what had happened between her and Hotch had meant nothing to her. She had feelings for him, feelings which went far beyond what she was allowed to feel for her married supervisor and were running way too deep for just vanishing on their own with the passing of time.
And this realization made it even more painful for her as she remembered the night when she had last seen him...
'This means nothing at all.' She heard his sharp voice repeating over and over again in her head. Once more tears formed in her eyes and she got up.
After she had entered the bathroom and turned on the light she couldn't fight against the tears any longer so she surrundered.
While she stared at her reflection in the mirror she started wondering how she could have been dumb enough to believe that Hotch actually cared about her.
The longer she looked at her reflection the angrier she became with herself for not seeing all of it coming, for letting Hotch get so close to her. She hated herself for her foolishness - and even more she hated Hotch for what he had done...
As she let her eyes wander over her face and hair she remembered all the times when he had been with her, caressing softly her cheek, letting his fingers slide through her hair and this memory was the final straw - she just couldn't stand this any longer, so she turned around and started searching for a pair of scissors. When she had found one she looked back at the mirror.
End flashback
Suddenly Elle was interrupted in her reverie as her cell phone started ringing.
"Yeah?" Elle answered unwillingly the call.
"Hey, it's me..."
Elle relaxed as she heard Morgan's soft voice.
"What's up?"
"Not much...I just wanted to know how you're doing..."
"I'm horribly bored, but otherwise I'm okay, why?"
"No particular reason...I'm just missing you, that's all."
"Well, that's nice to hear. How's it going with the case?"
"To be honest I don't know...So far we haven't been able to find a link between the victims."
"That's bad..." Elle agreed smiling, then she asked,
"So you won't be able to come over tonight?"
"I dunno...But it's still quite early, so...I'll call you later and tell you whether I can see you tonight or not, okay?"
"Okay..."
A moment later they hung up and Elle realized that she was already feeling much better.
She thought once more about what Morgan had told her the night before. It had taken her by total surprise when he had told her that he had been too scared for telling her about his feelings for her.
Elle was of course aware of the fact that it must have taken Morgan incredibly much courage to tell her that - after all, he was always the tough guy, always the first to kick in a suspect's door, never afraid of taking a risk while on the job...He was not only a macho but also a daredevil and therefore it was that much harder for him to admit it if he was scared by something, too afraid of losing other people's respect as that he could let his fears show.
One thing she was sure of - Morgan was really in love with her and she wanted nothing more than really giving it a try this time. After all, she deserved happiness and so did he...But nonetheless she had feelings for Hotch - even though she would never admit that.
However, she was determined to give Morgan a chance. And Hotch wasn't loving her anyways, in fact she doubted that he was even caring a single bit about her, so it was pretty unlikely that he would mind her being with Morgan.
A few minutes later she decided to stop thinking about it and turned the TV on to distract herself.
Later that day, 8:40 pm :
Elle woke with a start by the ringing of the door-bell. After a moment she sat unwillingly up and turned off the TV before getting up to open the door.
"Morgan..." Elle said in surprise after opening the door,
"I thought you wanted to call..."
"Well, I changed my mind and decided to surprise you..." Morgan grinned at her,
"I brought some Chinese, figuring you might not be in the mood for cooking - and after all, I have to make sure that you eat enough, right?"
Elle chuckled for a moment, then she smiled at him and stepped aside. After she had closed the door she replied finally :
"That's really thoughtful of you - especially considering that I love Chinese food."
"I know...I hope I didn't wake you..." He gave her a worried glance.
"Not really...I've been watching a movie and fell asleep."
They locked eyes for a few seconds then Elle went to take a seat on the couch. A moment later Morgan sat down next to her, putting the food down onto the coffee-table in front of the couch.
"So, you obviously changed your mind about cutting your hair?"
"Yeah..." They shared a smile.
"That's good - I really like your hair the way it is..." Morgan stated, letting his fingers slide through her hair.
"Thanks...I mean, not only for liking it the way it is but mainly for keeping me from cutting it last night."
"You're very welcome. But we should really start eating before it gets cold."
Elle only nodded her agreement and they started eating.
Meanwhile :
As Hotch opened the front-door of his house he couldn't help but smile. His smile was even widening as he heard Haley coming down the stairs. He walked further into the room, meeting Haley halfway.
After Hotch had pulled her close and kissed her, he asked :
"Is Jack sleeping?"
Haley nodded and replied :
"He just fell asleep ten minutes ago. You're quite early...Is something wrong?"
Hotch smiled.
"No, everything's okay. I just wanted to spend some time with you..."
He kissed her again and Haley returned his smile.
"You're hungry?" They locked eyes.
"A bit...But you don't need to make something for dinner just because of me..."
"Are you sure? It won't be a big deal considering that I haven't eaten dinner yet either."
"Yeah, I think we should simply order something and enjoy the rest of the evening."
"Okay...You have something particular on your mind?"
"How about Italian?"
"Sounds great to me." Haley paused then she offered,
"Why don't you go changing into something more comfortable and get refreshed while I'm ordering something?"
"Great idea..." Hotch gave his wife a grateful smile and kissed her softly, then he released her from his arms and went upstairs.
Twenty minutes later :
After he had gone to see his son and had watched him sleep for a while, Hotch had decided to take a quick shower before changing his clothes.
When he returned to the living-room Haley was sitting on the couch, smiling brightly at him and announced :
"The food should arrive pretty soon."
"Great...So, what would you like to do?" Hotch sat down next to her.
"How about watching a movie?"
"Okay." He agreed, happy about having the time to enjoy the evening with Haley.
"Do you already know what you wanna watch?" Hotch asked after a moment of silence.
"Yeah, in fact I do..." Haley smiled happily at him.
"Are you going to tell me?" Hotch smiled back at her, but before she was able to answer the door-bell rang, announcing that their dinner had arrived.
Haley started laughing and told him :
"Nope, you're gonna open the door and get the food and I search for the DVD..."
"Alright..." Hotch surrendered and got up.
After he had opened the door and paid their food, Hotch took it to the kitchen to put it onto plates and got two knives and forkes, before he carried the filled plates to the living-room. As he reached the couch he put the plates onto the table and asked :
"Do you want some wine?"
"Well, why not?" Haley replied, turning toward him, while she took the DVD out of its case and put it into the DVD-player, before returning to her seat on the couch.
While Haley turned on the TV, Hotch went back to the kitchen to get a bottle of wine and two glasses.
As he re-entered the living-room again he asked :
"So, what are we going to watch?"
"Stephen King's Red Rose" Haley answered.
"Really? Since when are you a fan of horror movies?" He looked surprised at Haley, one ey-brow raised and sat down next to her.
"Well, I won't say that I'm a fan, but we have this DVD now for over a year and haven't watched it once..." Haley shrugged and looked at her husband.
"Okay..."
Around half-past midnight :
"So, how's Elle doing?" Haley asked as they were lying in bed.
Hotch was glad that it was dark and his wife couldn't see his face.
"She's okay...But it's still going to take quite some time before she can start working again." He replied after a moment of thinking.
Hotch had to admit that he had forced himself to not think about her ever since he had made his decision. The sudden thought of her now was paining him, reminding him of what he had done...
He had really no clue of how he was supposed to handle working with her again when she came back.
Once more he got overwhelmed by his regret and guilt, he just couldn't help but missing Elle - even though he kept pushing that fact away he knew that it was the bitter truth.
He was still yearning for her proximity, for feeling her skin against his fingertips, he was still missing the taste of her lips, the scent of her perfume...
"Are you okay?" Haley's voice interrupted his thoughts.
Hotch turned toward his wife and hurried to say :
"I'm fine, I just have a lot on my mind...Don't worry, okay?" He smiled at her and drew her closer.
"If you say so..." Haley gave him a soft kiss, returning his smile.
Back at Elle's place :
While Morgan was watching Elle sleep he realized once more how lucky he was to have a second chance for being with her. And the fact that Elle wasn't in love with Hotch was making it even that much better.
Of course he knew that he should finally get some sleep as well, but it was simply too tempting to keep watching Elle, so he stayed awake, thinking about his relationship with Elle.
As he saw Elle tense up he wished he knew what she was dreaming. A moment later his unspoken question was answered when he heard her mumble quietly :
"Hotch..."
It pained him to hear the distress in her voice and he started wondering once more about how Hotch had been able to hurt Elle so incredibly much. Morgan just couldn't understand his supervisor's behavior, why had Hotch had to have something with Elle? And even more important - why had he had to hurt her like that?
These questions kept spinning through his head, keeping him wide awake.
He could kill Hotch for what he had done...
After a while Morgan got up, realizing how thirsty he was and went to the kitchen.
When he returned to the bedroom, Elle was sitting on the bed crying, her entire body shaking. Morgan hurried to get to Elle, he sat down next to her, pulling her close to him.
"What's the matter?" Morgan asked as Elle's sobs had subsided.
"Just a nightmare..."
Morgan gave her a soft kiss onto her forehead, then he turned the light on and took a closer look at Elle.
"Are you okay?"
"Yeah, I guess..." Elle leaned closer to him and he embraced her again.
"You're sure?" He looked concerned at her.
"I'm sure, Morgan...But thanks a lot for your concern."
After a moment she lifted her head and kissed him softly onto his left cheek.
"How about I get you some water?" They locked eyes for a moment.
"Okay..." A small smile appeared on Elle's face and Morgan got up again.
A few minutes later he returned, a glass of water in his right hand. As he handed Elle the glass she smiled grateful at him and took a sip of water.
"Do you wanna talk about your nightmare?" Morgan gave her a questioning glance.
"It's the same nightmare I have ever since I got shot..." Elle looked away from him for a moment, then she went on,
"I can't stop dreaming about that day, about how I got home and Garner pointed the gun at me and puller the trigger...I can still feel his hand in the wound..."
Once again tears started running over her face.
"My God, Elle..." Morgan sat back down next to her, lifted his right hand and caressed softly her cheek.
"I'm sorry to hear that you're going through this..."
"It's no big deal...I mean, it's muach harder when I'm alone." Elle paused for a few seconds,
"I can barely sleep when I'm alone at home, well, it's getting easier, but..." She trailed off.
"Well, you have me...You know I'm always there for you." Morgan kissed her softly and added,
"Do you think you'll be able to fall asleep again?"
"I dunno..." Elle looked up, a soft smile on her lips.
"It's already early in the morning, so if you want we could simply get up and go for a run and could have breakfast somewhere after that?"
"That sounds pretty good...But I actually have a better idea..." Elle smirked at him.
"Really? What is it?"
A devious smile crossed Elle's face as she clearified :
"I'm not gonna tell you that..." She paused for a moment waiting for Morgan's protest, as there came none she went on,
"I'll show you..."
Meanwhile :
Hotch woke with a start, bathed in sweat. He wasn't sure what exactly he had dreamed, but it had had to do with Elle.
At the thought of her all the memories flooded back to his concious mind - even though he had tried to get her out of his head...And until this very night it had actually worked pretty good - until Haley had asked him about her.
It still pained him when he thought about how he had treated her, probably adding even more pain to the hurt she had already felt before.
He wished he could turn back time and change what he had done, but unfortunately he couldn't...
Now the big question was - what could he do? After all, they would have to work with each other again. One thing was for sure, he couldn't pay her a visit to talk about what had happened - it was simply still too soon.
Hotch wasn't sure if he could resist the temtation and stick to his resolution if he was alone with her - and how was he supposed to talk with her about it when someone else could hear what they were saying? Well, it was a dilemma he had gotten himself into - he couldn't deny this fact, couldn't blame anybody else but himself, not even Elle, after all, it wasn't her fault that he had fallen for her...
'Wait, Aaron - you're not in love with Elle! What happened between the two of you was just a meaningless fling - a terrible mistake,' Hotch thought, like always when he couldn't muster up the strength to ignore what his heart was telling him.
This very though had become his safety-net - his mantra ahich he was repeating over and over again in his head whenever he thought about his real feelings for Elle. And somehow he actually believed that it worked, well, he tried to believe it, wanted to believe it.
He just had to believe that if he kept telling himself often and long enough that he wasn't in love with Elle, that it had been meaningless and a mistake, his feelings for her would just go away.
Of course he knew that the odds were against him, but but it was the only way to keep his career, his family - his sanity...
Hotch let out a heavy sigh and got up, leaving for Jack's room.
As he looked at his sleeping son Hotch couldn't help but feel once more horrible for what he had done...
At the office, half-past 8 :
When Morgan entered the bullpen he had still a huge grin plastered on his face.
Elle had been right - her idea had really been by far better as his own...
The only problem he was facing now was focusing on the case.
This morning had made him realize another reason for why he had felt so miserable after he had ended their relationship...
Flashback, two and a half hours earlier :
As Morgan locked eyes with Elle he couldn't help but admitting :
"Wow, this was...I actually have no clue about how to put it into words..."
He was still stunned - and still struggled with regaining control over his breath, but nonetheless he added a moment later,
"It was...amazing - and even that is not really getting close to it..."
Elle burst out laughing and he loved the sound, loved the sparkle which was dancing in her eyes - he couldn't remember the last time Elle had been so at ease.
After she had calmed down a bit Elle stated :
"I told you I had a better idea..."
"You did." Morgan agreed and kissed her passionate again.
The last few hours had been like heaven...It had been three hours of the most passionate love-making he had ever had - and he just couldn't get enough.
Elle broke their kiss and told him :
"Not now..."
"Okay..." Morgan smirked at her, then he wanted to know :
"So, what's next on your agenda?"
While getting up and going to her closet, Elle replied :
"How about some talking?"
"Sounds good..."
Morgan got up as well, picking up his boxers and his t-shirt and put both on. Meanwhile Elle put on a pair pf light grey sweat-shorts and a pink cami, then she sat back down on the bed and a moment later Morgan followed.
"What do you wanna talk about, Elle?"
"Why were you scared to tell me about your feelings?" Elle gave hime a serious glance.
And he started repeating the reasons he had already mentioned before, but he also talked about other reasons, told her about his best kept secret...
Morgan had decided that if Elle was willing and capable of confiding in him, he should trust her to the same extent. After all, if he really wanted it to work this time, he needed not only to be there for Elle, expecting her to let her guards down - no, he had to do the same thing, opening up to her instead of acting all macho like he usually did.
He simply couldn't make this an oneway thing, because in case he only demanded Elle to tell him all about her deepest fears and secrets without confiding in her in return he'd destroy their relationship again - and that was the one thing he wanted the least.
So he told her about his troubled teenager time, about his football coach at the youth center who had molested him...
Elle remained silent while he was talking. When he was finished she just stretched out her right hand intertwining her fingers with the ones of his left hand.
They locked eyes and Morgan was surprised to see tears running over her face. He drew Elle into a tight embrace and it wasn't 'til then that he realized that he was crying as well, but he didn't mind at all...
End flashback
"You're a half hour late." Hotch's angry voice interrupted Morgan's thoughts as he entered the conference-room.
"Sorry..."
"Can we now finally start the briefing?"
Morgan didn't care about Hotch's bad mood - after all, it wasn't his duty to make sure that his supervisor was all cheerful at work.
He was way too relieved by the fact that he had finally talked with someone about the one thing that had bothered him the most as that he cared about Hotch's little outburst. It had simply felt too good to talk with Elle as that hotch's behavior could affect him.
He had missed talking with her like that, he knew that she wasn't judging him, she wasn't thinking less highly of him because of what he told her.
After Hotch had ended the briefing, giving them their assignments, Morgan went to work on his task.
While he and JJ were on their way to questionthe sister of one of the victims, who had just returned home from a business-trip, Morgan thought once more about how lucky he was to have Elle.
Morgan knew that if he didn't run this time and confided in her it was going to work, well, as long as Hotch didn't change his mind.
He just didn't want to feel the way he had after breaking up with Elle ever agin, he had felt horrible.
Elle was like his own personal brand of heroine - he just couldn't get enough of her, yet she gave him so much more than he could ever have expected...
In retrospect she had given him by far more tha he could take at that time and this got him scared, but he felt, he knew that he could handle it, he was no longer scared to give it a serious try...
Meanwhile :
As Elle returned home from her little run she was still full of energy and started wondering once more what she should do with all her time.
After a moment of thinking she decided to take a shower and change clothes first before she kept wondering about what to do.
When she sat down on the couch, a mug of coffee in her hands, she started thinking once again about what Morgan had told her that morning. What she had heard was still making her incredibly sad, but she was glad that Morgan trusted her enough to tell her his deepest secret.
For a moment she wondered if this had been the reason why he had joined the FBI and later the BAU.
Elle took another sip of her coffee and got up to turn the stereo on, getting tired of the silence surrounding her.
The thought that she had to stay at home for at least another seven weeks before returning to work was not only totally annoying but also incredibly upsetting to her. She just couldn't stand this any longer - being stuck at home with nothing to do was simply boring her to death.
Elle missed her work, missed doing something useful, she even missed the UnSubs to a certain extent...
But suddenly she realized that the one thing she was missing the most was in fact Hotch and not work itself. She simply missed him so much, missed their late-night talks on the plane when they were on their way back home from a case, but most of all she missed those very rare occasions when Hotch showed his breathtaking smile...
After a while she got up again and went to get finally her laundry done.
So she went to the bathroom and started throwing her dirty clothes into the washing-machine, trying to get Hotch off of her mind. However, a moment later Elle stopped as she realized that she was holding one of his shirts in her hands.
It took her several seconds to fully overcome the surprise caused by her sudden discovery. The truth was she had totally forgotten that it was even there...
She couldn't help but smile as she realized that it was still having his scent on it.
After a moment of hesitation Elle straightened up and left for her bedroom, the shirt in her hands, unable to bring herself to washing it. Instead she decided to put it into her closet.
A short time later she sat down on her bed, reflecting on what had happened between her and Hotch, once more getting aware of her indeed very strong feelings for him.
She couldn't deny that she wished he would call or even visit her.
Of course she was happy with Morgan, but it just wasn't the same...
Sure, Morgan was incredibly nice and most of all she knew he loved her, but Elle got more and more aware that she had to face the fact that her heart belonged to Hotch and not to Morgan - no matter how much she wished it was differently.
But it didn't really matter, after all, Hotch wasn't feeling the same - she wasn't even sure if he cared at all about her.
Yet she wanted him so goddamn much, she longed for his touch, his kiss, yearned for him to hold her in his arms - she just wished he was there...
Elle sighed frustrated, knowing that it was pointless to hope for the impossible to happen.
Hotch didn't want her, he loved Haley and Jack, he couldn't risk losing them nor his career, she knew that and also didn't want him to lose the two things which meant the most to him.
Tears started running over her face, all the pain she had been hiding from herself all this time, swollowing it down and not wanting to admit to herself that it was even there, breaking free all of a sudden.
Only a few minutes later her body was shaking violently due to her sobs.
Elle knew she should be happy that she was with Morgan, that he was so much better for her than Hotch could ever be - at least when she thought rationally about it, but she simply didn't love Morgan as much as she loved Hotch.
However, she had to at least give him - and their relationship - a chance, after all, Morgan was deeply in love with her, he simply didn't deserve that she broke his heart.
And he was the right guy, wasn't he?
But on the other hand, even if Morgan was the right one, it wasn't fair to lead him on, knowing that her feelings for him were not as strong as his feelings for her, now was it?
'Why am I even thinking that much about it? Hotch doesn't love me - Morgan does, and there's no reason for me to not be with him. Well, except of my feelings for Hotch that is...' Elle thought sadly to herself.
Back at the BAU :
Hotch had gone right backto his office after the briefing, not in the mood for spending more time with his colleagues than necessary.
All he wanted was getting out of the office and see Elle, but he couldn't do that - and of course he knew that, still he kept wondering what she was doing, he just couldn't help missing her...
He knew he should stop thinking about her, but it was an impossibility - and he couldn't change anything about it.
It wasn't like he wasn't grateful for having a great wife like Haley and an adorable son, but he knew that it was no longer the way it used to be before he got to know Elle - before she had started working with the BAU.
He let out an exhausted sigh, why had everything to be so complicated?
Sometimes he started wondering if Haley was sensing anything about what was bothering him, if she was actually aware of the fact that something had changed between them.
Of course he wished it could simply be the way it had used to be, but somehow he knew that it was impossible to go back to that. And maybe that was a good thing, after all, ever since he had decided to simply ignore his feelings for Elle, he had started spending more time at home.
He had started trying to be more present as both a husband and father, using the time to actually enjoy being with Haley, talking with her, watching a movie with her like at the passed evening...
The time he had had to spend at home when he had been sick had sortta opened his eyes about what he was having and that he didn't want lose that.
Hotch simply knew that he just couldn't do this to Haley and Jack, he couldn't destroy his marriage becuase of Elle. And his feelings for her would just go away with the passing of time, or so he at least hoped...
Tbc
A/N: Hope you liked it! Sorry for any remaining mistakes! Please REVIEW!