COPYRIGHT NOTE: I don't own Xenosaga

COMMENTS: Onto Chapter II, this time with Rubedo and Albedo goodness. Admittedly, this chapter is surprisingly shorter than all the others, but it was originally part of the material you'll later see in Chapter III. Obviously, I cut the chapters in half to make it easier for you readers to read, though I can't say the same applies to later "longer" chapters. I do apologize in advance for the length of this story, but I actually prefer writing long stories like these. (Side note: You may/may not believe this, but I actually once wrote one chapter for another fandom's fanfic that was 50 freakin' pages long! The fanfic hasn't been published yet, and I'm not sure what the heck I'll do with that particular chapter whenever I finally publish it – cut it in 2/3 chapters, obviously, because seriously…who the hell wants to read a 50-page chapter?!). Anyway, since my publications are (at best) once a week, I do try to make the wait worthwhile.

So with all that, I certainly hope you're enjoying this story so far!

PATHOS: Chapter II

Aiselne Nocturnus

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"The Truth"

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"Rubedo? Rubedo!"

Only the last call finally drove the redhead out of his miserable stream of thought, causing Rubedo to blink and lift his head, glancing over his shoulder to his younger brothers. Both Albedo and Nigredo stood behind him, neither doing anything in particular at the moment except staring rather worriedly at the eldest Variant. No longer was Nigredo combing his hair, or Albedo throwing his locker-denting tantrum. Both boys just stood there, each wearing a level of impatience on their faces as they waited for Rubedo to respond.

Rubedo was not particularly fond of the way his brothers stared at him, though this self-consciousness was obviously implanted by Dmitri's earlier lecture, practically insulting Rubedo's pride over his right to mourn. Since then, Rubedo found himself watching his behaviors more closely, in the event his leadership mixed with his emotions. Frankly, while Dmitri was probably happy to see one more Variant form a tighter grip on his human emotions, the whole affair made Rubedo feel uncomfortable. Having Nigredo and Albedo staring at him as though the link master just grew another head did not help matters, either. "What?" Rubedo finally replied, his tone average but with just enough edge to exhibit his irritation and discomfort.

Fortunately, the weird looks on his brothers faces softened rather quickly thereafter, as if Rubedo's voice had the power to do so like Nigredo's. Albedo, in particular, looked relieved, and it did not take long for his lips to curve in a grateful smile. Nigredo, being the more serious and enigmatic brother, was less obvious, but his minute nod proved he was just as relieved as Rubedo's twin.

"We were calling you for over five minutes, Rubedo," Nigredo explained, stealing a glance at Albedo before continuing. "You didn't answer, so we got a little nervous," Albedo especially, Nigredo wanted to add, but that was already obvious by the reassured expression on the middle child's face.

Not intending to worry them so much, Rubedo was quick to apologize, "Sorry. My mind's just been wandering a lot lately." It was not technically a lie. One of the first things Dmitri scolded Rubedo over was how Sakura's death significantly lowered the boy's concentration and cognition in training, due to his mind wandering in and out of focus. Based on feedback from tests, Rubedo's performance was generally dropping on all levels, mental and physical, as the link master had not been eating or sleeping well for three days, either. The whole point of this morning's lecture was for Yuriev to drill some sense into Rubedo to get his act together. Rubedo was, after all, the leader.

Since Albedo and Nigredo had been alongside Rubedo for the past terrible days, they also saw the signs of Rubedo's pain. Three days of poor nutrition, sleep, and cognition clearly took their toll on the link master, rendering Rubedo a miserable shadow of his typically rambunctious self. Just looking at the darkness lining his clouded blue eyes was enough evidence for Nigredo to conclude Rubedo was far from recovery. "Are you sure you're up to this?" the youngest asked, cocking his head slightly for emphasis. "You barely got through yesterday's simulation."

Rubedo could have lived without that particularly 'lovely' reminder. However, it was not Rubedo's fault that their friggen father tossed the U.R.T.V.s back into the Encephalon for another training exercise just two hours after the episode with Juli. Rubedo had no idea how the hell he managed to get through that test, though he credited his survival on the fact that his outright resentment of Dmitri overrode his sorrow. The only thing that kept the leader from breaking down in the Encephalon was Rubedo's constant curses and laments over his father preoccupied him. At least the tirade prevented the tears.

Turning back around to stare at his hands on his lap, Rubedo sighed deeply. He hated feeling so melancholic, but knew he had better keep himself together for now. Later, alone, Rubedo could do as he pleased, but not now. "I'll be okay," Rubedo unenthusiastically reassured, his voice not even convincing himself, never mind his brothers. However, "I am the leader, after all," though he spoke of leadership as a burden, not an elation. In a perfect world, Rubedo would have told Dmitri to take his damn title of 'leader' and shove it up his father's ass. Alas, U.R.T.V.s lived in anything but a perfect world.

Rubedo never often talked very highly of being the link master. The title was an obligation, not an honor. Albedo could only recall a handful of times when Rubedo spoke of his leadership without some pint of displeasure in his voice. It did not help that the title was something Dmitri taunted Rubedo with in the event the boy slacked off or forgot his place. Albedo had a feeling if Rubedo willed it, he would easily give up his role as leader for living a more 'normal,' simpler life. Hell, Rubedo would probably throw away this entire lifestyle for something better and more fulfilling if given the opportunity.

But Albedo prayed his twin would decline. Even if Rubedo would be happy leaving this life for another, Albedo did not want him to go. In leaving this life, Rubedo would leave his twin, too, and Albedo could not handle such abandonment. The younger twin was still barely coming to the realization that sooner or later, one way or another, that bitch called 'destiny' would take his precious Rubedo away from him. Separation via natural death was hard enough to accept, and Albedo could not bear it if his twin somehow willingly sped up the process.

Which was why these past few days scared the hell out of Albedo. Ever since the news of Sakura's death, Albedo helplessly watched as his other half sank further and further into despair. Last night was the hardest for Albedo, since Rubedo ate nothing at dinner, and eventually left the cafeteria after the millionth nag from Nigredo and Albedo to eat something. Watching his brother deteriorate, and not being able to help him, tore at Albedo's heart.

"Well, now you know how Rubedo and I have felt these past few months, fruitlessly trying to help YOU, Albedo."

Had Nigredo's words not been so powerful, Albedo would have slugged the baby Variant for being so frikken cocky. Albedo did come alarmingly close to striking Nigredo, to the point that the middle child's right fist balled dangerously tight under the dinner table. The fist was so well concealed that Nigredo would not have had a clue until his nose started bleeding profusely. Alas, mere seconds before Albedo launched the attack, his right fist found something more 'pivotal' to accomplish. Instead, the right fist uncurled and struggled alongside the left hand to wipe the tears that relentlessly spilled down Albedo's raw cheeks. The middle Variant could never stand being rejected, especially from Rubedo.

However, Albedo knew he was getting a taste of the same cruel medicine he had been dishing his brothers for the past few months, too. Acknowledging that Nigredo was right was not one of Albedo's strong points, but this one time, Albedo admitted it. Contrary to what his siblings believed concerning his mental disconnection from them these past few months, Albedo was well aware of their efforts to help him. He just chose not to accept their aid, because what he was trying to do was something Albedo did not want Rubedo and Nigredo to unearth. If they ever did know the truth…Albedo did not want to even ponder such a possibility.

But now the tides had changed, and Rubedo was going down the same depressed path his brother traversed, but for entirely different reasons. Never did Albedo dream Sakura's death would affect Rubedo this dramatically. Albedo expected Rubedo to be sad, but being the typically energetic, happy-go-lucky kid Rubedo always behaved, Albedo figured his twin would bounce back to his old self in no time. But now 'Day 3' rolled around and Rubedo did not seem to be improving, and it did not help that he had three days of poor rest and sustenance piled onto him. It was torturous for Albedo, and made him wonder if he should just tell his heartbroken brother the truth.

The truth… It was often a difficult thing to say, but it was always the 'right' thing to say, too. Albedo knew Rubedo deserved the truth, and even Nigredo and Sakura's mother deserved the truth. It did not help that Albedo could not get yesterday's scene with Dr. Mizrahi out of his head. It was that day Albedo realized Rubedo was not going to bounce back to his old self anytime soon. Albedo was almost grateful to discover Juli was leaving, since he figured the topic of Sakura's death would leave along with her mother. Unfortunately, Albedo learned how naive, and ignorant, he was when he first heard his twin's voice crackle while describing their last play date with Sakura. It was so foreign to see Rubedo cry like that, right in front of his two brothers and Dr. Mizrahi, no less. Albedo was the one usually credited with making scenes like these, the one known for turning on his waterworks and Rubedo the one to shut them off. This was not to say Albedo never saw his older brother cry, but never to the lachrymose extent seen in yesterday's episode with Juli.

It was all the more proof of how devastated Sakura's death left Rubedo, and it twisted another knife in Albedo's heart just watching Rubedo. The whole time, Albedo envied Dr. Mizrahi, though not necessarily in a spiteful sense. Essentially, Albedo just wanted to be the one to comfort Rubedo. The younger brother wanted hold him, and more importantly tell Rubedo how sorry he was: sorry for not realizing the extent of Rubedo's pain, and dominantly sorry for not telling him the truth in the first place. Alas, there was no room for Albedo within Juli and Rubedo's embrace. Thus, the younger twin stood idle next to Nigredo and watched the tragic scene through purple eyes filled with guilty tears.

Albedo's conscience kept probing him as obnoxiously as an insect insistently buzzing around him, never flying away no matter how many times he attempted to shoo it. Like Rubedo, for the past few days, Albedo could not boast a good night's sleep, either. Every night was the same; he would watch Rubedo toss and turn. The older boy was fortunate to get a few hours of sleep, rest usually induced via exhaustion of either restlessly demolishing his bed or quietly crying himself to sleep. Being unable to help Rubedo rewarded Albedo with a few nights of sleep credited to sobbing, too. But dominantly, the major reason Albedo could not sleep was because of a little something called the truth.

It was driving Albedo insane. So many times Albedo just wanted to scream it at the top of his lungs for the whole damn universe to hear. Of course, Albedo could care less about what the universe knew, for he just cared about Rubedo. Alas, there in laid the problem, because Albedo knew if he told Rubedo the truth…

He'd hate me! Albedo's mind would constantly tell him, threatening him with the rejection he feared so direly. He'd think YOU killed Sakura and he'd HATE you and LEAVE you FOREVER!! That was not something Albedo was wiling to risk. Essentially, Albedo could only pick one of two options:

1.) Never tell anyone anything. Everyone, even Rubedo, would eventually get over Sakura's death and move on, and Albedo would be safe. All Albedo would have to do was live with the nagging guilt for the rest of his immortal life. Perhaps it was only fair.

Or…

2.) Tell Rubedo that Sakura did not kill herself. Tell Rubedo the whole 'suicide' thing was a fib Albedo concocted to hide the truth. Tell Rubedo how Sakura actually sacrificed herself to save Albedo's life. Tell Rubedo Albedo really did not hate Sakura, but had just been selfishly jealous the whole time. Tell Rubedo she gallantly accepted the attack by U-DO and spared Albedo from the fatal hit. Tell Rubedo the girl he loved was dead on his twin brother's account! Tell Rubedo it was all Albedo's fault! Tell Rubedo he had every right to hate his brother and leave Albedo…

Tell Rubedo!

Albedo was not brave enough. Whether it was the right thing to do or not, he could not bring himself to tell Rubedo the truth about Sakura Mizrahi's death. Odds were, Rubedo would not be happy about Albedo's deception, nor would anyone else close to Sakura. They would all leave Albedo, punishing him by abandoning him and leaving the white-haired boy alone for all eternity. The thought alone stung his violet eyes with oncoming tears, leaving Albedo with one choice.

Never tell Rubedo. Never tell anyone. Albedo was willing to endure an eternity of maddening guilt instead of losing his loved ones sooner than destiny planed. At least when Rubedo and Nigredo finally did die and leave him behind, Albedo would have the companionship of guilt. Such was not comforting, but Albedo willingly accepted it.

So in the meantime, Albedo blinked back his tears and painfully watched his twin suffer through the past three days. Knowing he was indirectly the cause of such pain made Albedo feel his guilt multiply, but he kept his mouth shut. He did not hate Sakura as much as he originally thought, but he still did not value her enough to think she was worth losing Rubedo. That still did not mean Albedo considered her 'completely' valueless, for Sakura must have meant something to leave Rubedo in such an uncommonly broken state. Would Rubedo shed as many tears if Albedo died? Albedo instantly chastised himself for pondering such a stupid question. As if you'll ever know. People don't mourn the deaths of those who can't die! Albedo genuinely abhorred his regenerative powers…his immortality…his curse. He hated it all.

But Albedo certainly did not hate Rubedo. The red-haired Variant was Albedo's other half; the part he often wished had never been separated from him in the first place. There were dreams, rare but warm, Albedo would have where him and his twin were still conjoined, and he felt more secure in those fantasies than he did in reality. Rubedo would always be just a glance away, and Albedo would never have to fear looking over his shoulder and seeing nothingness. But eventually, Albedo would awaken from those blissful chimeras, look over his shoulder, and find the very thing he dreaded. And then he would cry out, startling Rubedo from his own dreams, and Nigredo would usually get caught in the screaming wake-up call, too. Unable to stand the raving loneliness, Albedo would run to his twin's bed and bury himself in Rubedo's arms, a feeble attempt at trying to undo their physical detachment. Rubedo would just hold his wailing brother, innocently thinking Albedo merely awoke from a terrible nightmare…when in fact the middle child had such a wonderful dream.

A dream that would never come true.

Albedo had to remind himself to stop thinking anymore about the depressing subject. Like it or not, he was not going to tell anyone about Sakura, nor would he and Rubedo ever be one again. There was no use in dwelling on the painful topics, especially right now, lest he start crying again, which Albedo did not want prior to a training exercise. Dmitri always frowned upon Albedo whenever the child entered or exited a test in tears. Albedo was in no mood for another one of his father's "pull yourself together! You're a Variant for God's sake" lectures. Following Yuriev's advice for once, Albedo swallowed any potential tears and returned his attention to what truly, and always, mattered most to him: Rubedo.

"Hey," Albedo started, faintly brightening his voice in an attempt to lift his twin's spirits. "Maybe when this PATHOS thing is over, we could do something fun, Rubedo," he offered, exchanging a nod with an agreeing Nigredo. Outside Sakura's domain, it had been a while since the three of them did anything 'fun,' since the past few months had been pretty melancholic. Granted, there were limited 'fun' things U.R.T.V.s could do around the institute, but the Variant boys usually found some entertainment to preoccupy themselves. "We haven't visited the gymnasium just for fun lately." Usually, the gym was used for training purposes to ensure the U.R.T.V.s were in shape for tests in the Encephalon. However, when the gym was not used for specific training, it was freely open for the kids to relinquish pent-up energy, without having them romp around the institute. The best part was it had a large swimming pool that was a joint favorite for the Variant males, and was a godsend on hot, artificial summer afternoons. "We should go swimming again, Rubedo."

The offer sounded good, but Rubedo was not in the mood. Usually, he would actually be the first person to suggest a swim, since Rubedo highly enjoyed it. Swimming was an excellent way to relax or just have fun, especially after a hectic day. He, Albedo, and Nigredo would often race, splash around, or take bets and dares on who was brave enough to dive to the bottom of the ten-foot pool. The gymnasium swimming pool was, and probably would always be, the closest U.R.T.V.s would ever get to visiting a beach-like setting. The only time Rubedo visited a 'beach' was in Sakura's subconscious domain, and at the time, he and his brothers were busy fighting infected U.R.T.V.s. None of them ever got around to actually 'spending a day' at a beach, whether the beach was real or a figment of Sakura's subconscious...

…Rubedo was getting depressed all over again. Although some jovial recreation might do him some good, the link master was just not in the mood today. "I'll pass, thanks," the redhead dejectedly answered, never turning around to notice the disappointed faces on his brothers. "You and Nigredo should go and have fun."

Albedo did not like that suggestion, or anything that meant he would not be alongside his twin for that matter. It did not help that Albedo considered spending 'alone time' with Nigredo to be as invigorating as watching Gaignun lick himself clean and then hack up a hairball. Nigredo was just too damn boring for Albedo's taste, especially when compared to Rubedo's fiery enthusiasm. Plus the fact, Albedo truly wanted Rubedo to tag along, mainly because a lighthearted change in setting would work wonders for the disheartened leader.

"Aw come' on, Rubedo," Albedo tried to coerce, at least attempting to get his twin to turn around and face him. When Rubedo refused, Albedo strode closer to the backless bench, and sat down directly behind his brother, back to back. For a brief moment, Albedo felt himself drift away from the original topic, realizing he unintentionally mimicked his beloved dreams. Just as they were, and as Albedo believed the twins should be, he and his other half were once more attached to the back. It felt so good and intoxicating, and he wondered if Rubedo felt identical. Being like this, Albedo could feel the beating of the other half of his heart, the piece left in Rubedo, and joined with his own heart, Albedo felt complete. It was bliss.

Rubedo…do you feel the same?

But just before Albedo got too lost in the fantasy, he felt Rubedo shift, slouching forward and propping himself with his elbows on his thighs. Their backs were only partially connected now, inconveniently below the chest, disabling Albedo from feeling his heart in Rubedo anymore. Saddened, Albedo snapped back to reality, regretfully letting his euphoria pass before anything emotional resulted from his disappointment. Peering over his shoulder, Albedo's face fell at the sight of his disheartened other half. For however brief their 'reconnection' was, it was long enough for Albedo to feel his old heart, and Rubedo's own heart, which was hurting so deeply Albedo momentarily felt the reverberations in the right side of his own chest. The pain quickly passed, vanishing forever, though Albedo knew the same could not be said inside Rubedo.

Rubedo…

"You really should try and get a change of scenery, Rubedo," Nigredo finally interjected, trying his luck at persuasion, seeing how Albedo was not succeeding. Although he was less obvious than Albedo, Nigredo was just as concerned over Rubedo's physical and mental state. Rubedo had not shut himself off the mental link like his twin often did, and based on Rubedo's mental waves, Nigredo was getting nervous. The link master was far from unstable, but Nigredo was not entirely worried about Rubedo's sanity, per se. Nigredo did not want to see his red-haired brother, and best friend, go down the same mentally disturbed path Albedo seemed to take since the afternoon he unearthed his immortality. This worried Nigredo, but still not as much as something…else.

Something else…that might take full advantage of Rubedo's weak mental state.

Nigredo did not want matters to come to that.

"Attention U.R.T.V. Variant unit numbers 666 through 669," a monotone voice announced over the intercom, cueing the three boys to perk up at their call. "Please report to Diving Lab #3 for PATHOS analysis. Repeat, U.R.T.V. Variants 666 through 669 report to Diving Lab #3 for PATHOS analysis."

"And here we go again with this damn PATHOS thing," Albedo grumbled, rolling his eyes at the inconvenient timing. He had better things to do than waste his time with his father's stupid PATHOS test! Albedo much rather focus his energy on helping Rubedo. Alas, all three Variants knew if they did not promptly leave for Lab #3, they would hear about it later from their father. It was never in the children's best interest to make Dmitri call them twice. Regardless if it was not their father actually voicing the announcement, it was definitely Dmitri who issued the order to the announcer.

Knowing they had better get moving, Rubedo took a deep breath before pulling himself up, fully detached from his twin brother. "Well, let's go," he said unenthusiastically as he sluggishly headed for the locker room exit, motioning with a hand for Albedo and Nigredo to follow. The redhead's attitude was certainly no incentive for anyone to do as he said, but the younger Variants nonetheless did so, exchanging worried glances. Rubedo's demeanor was certainly not going to impress their father, and Albedo and Nigredo had a feeling it would be a miracle if Rubedo got through today's analysis.

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TO BE CONTINUED

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A/N: Like I said before, this story will kinda' squeak the border on twincest implications, though I don't consider this fanfic a full-blown Rubedo/Albedo yaoi story like others online. Nevertheless, I'm quite fond of the twins' bond (well, I'm obsessed with it, actually), thus this story is going to have several "close" segments between the two. More is ahead in Chapter III, when some of the mysteries behind PATHOS will finally be revealed.

So, how good/bad did I do in this chapter? Lemmie know in a review, please. I'm also interested in hearing any impressions on the semi-Rubedo/Albedo-ness throughout this story. Are you (like me) who thinks it's more "brotherly love," or does it lean closer to yaoi? Most reviewers seem to agree with the first rather than the latter, but I have no problem if anybody considers this story yaoi, either. I love hearing people's different interpretations!