It was 4:00 AM and a moonless night, pitch black in all aspects, though wispy, pale clouds drifted across the inky sky with a languid grace. Not a star was to be seen, but artificial light filtered shakily from street lamps, behind closed curtains; it was abundant in each corner of the city. Everyone in the Dorm was sleeping, some uneasily, some with sound and peaceful snores. Everyone, except for one person.
Faster, faster, faster. Kanda swayed with his violin as he soared through every single song he could remember, that he'd ever learned, with a manic intensity. His eyes closed, he barely felt the soreness of his aching left shoulder or his chin. Beads of sweat dripped from his brow and his hair waved wildly in the air, long since undone, but he wasn't aware of them either. For him, time had stopped in place.
Exhaustion finally took its toll, and Kanda fell to the floor with a soft thump, panting. Immediately, the voices he'd sought so long to overcome rang loud and clear in his head.
"Useless. That fucking kid is useless. What good is the little bastard to us if he doesn't learn his songs real quick? He's already fucking nine, damn it! He's got to become a prodigy, win all the prizes, competitions. He's got to become a genius." A deep voice shook Kanda, and he wrapped his arms around himself protectively, curling into a fetal position.
"Pathetic! Pathetic! Pathetic! An entire month spent on that one piece? Who does that motherfucker think he is? Get him over here, will you? We'd better discipline him again." The shrill quality of the crowing brought on a whole new wave of nausea over the samurai. His stomach churned as he shivered and bile crept up his throat.
"Get over here! Kanda! Didn't you hear me, fucker? Tch, there you are."
"You're not working hard enough!"
"You're not playing good enough!"
"You're not learning fast enough!"
"Why can't you do anything right?"
"Worthless!"
"Worthless!"
"He's absolutely-"
"Worthless…" Whimpered Kanda, eyes clenched closed.
The darkness hadn't saved him in time.
The following morning, Allen woke up at 6:30, taking time to put on a carefully cleaned shirt and pants. One preferably without food stains. School didn't start until 8:00, but he figured waking up and arriving early wasn't going to hurt. Plus, he'd heard from Lavi that BOSM offered free breakfast in the cafeteria, and he sure wasn't going to miss out on that.
But speaking of meals, Allen was still puzzled and perturbed at Lavi's cryptic hints of Kanda's screwed up life. And though the white-haired teen had only known the rabbit and the samurai for a short amount of time, the fact the Kanda had called Lavi by his name last night was a sure signal that something was wrong. Allen sighed. He wouldn't lie to himself; he truly did regret ruining Kanda's financial plans for the month, and was worried.
Allen left and locked his room. He moved along to 413, right next to him, and pressed the doorbell. Abruptly, the door swung violently open and revealed a fully dressed Lavi with his cello case standing anxiously there. "Yuu-chan?"
"N-no, Lavi. It's me." Allen was shocked. Was Kanda's behavior so frightening? It hadn't seemed that bad. Then again, he wasn't completely sure.
"Oh, hey there Moyashi!" Lavi smiled, and Allen noticed bags under his eyes. "Um, let's go get Yuu-chan for breakfast, alright?"
"Yes." Allen was very ill at ease now. The two moved down a floor and buzzed room 313. No answer. They knocked loudly. No answer. Lavi began yelling. No answer. Allen even kicked several times. No. Answer.
"What's with all of you making so much noise in the morning?"
Allen and Lavi were approached by a very tall man with white and black striped hair dressed in punk clothing. He stepped closer.
"Nothing much. We can't get our friend to open up, and we're not sure if he's alright." Allen paused, and then gulped, waiting for edgy person's reaction.
"That's excellent! Friends ought to be looking after friends, you know. And you say he's not answering?" The man beamed, looking much gentler than before.
"Yes. Do you have any idea what we coul-" Before Lavi finished, the man had raised one combat boot encased leg and delivered a blow so powerful the door of 313 caved in.
"The name's Krory. Arystar Krory."
Lavi and Allen opened and closed their mouths like fishes out of water. They regained their wits, however, and rushed into Kanda's room. Please no dead body, prayed Allen, crossing his fingers. Krory came in as well.
The room was empty.
"Fuck. Where do you think he is?" Lavi pondered. "Let's check at school. If he's not in the cafeteria, then we have to call the police."
Allen froze. The police? The police? No. They couldn't come. Those bastards in uniform simply could not come to the Dorm! No. No more parasites infesting the place Allen was growing to love. Not again, at least. Not after what they did to Ma-
"Allen! Hey, wake up!" Lavi was waving his hand in front of Allen's face, bewildered. "C'mon, don't tell me you're flaking on me, too?"
"N-not at all," said Allen.
"Let us go to our breakfasting spot." Declared Krory. "I, for one, am starving!"
They set out and found their destination with ease, for BOSM was only five or six blocks from the Dorm. Allen and Lavi broke out into a run with Krory loping behind them and slammed open the doors to the cafeteria.
"Kanda?!" "Yuu-chan?!"
The samurai was sitting at a table in the corner with Lenalee and Miranda. His eyebrows twitched and he proclaimed with a graceful regality fit for a prince, "Dude. What the fuck?"
Lavi needed no more assurance that Kanda was back to normal. Upon seeing that his beloved Yuu-chan was well and alive, he grabbed Allen by the sleeve and bounded up to where Lenalee was. Introductions were made once again for Allen's sake.
"Hey Lenalee! How's it going?" Lavi grinned foolishly while grabbing a chair and a bowl of cereal. Allen had disappeared to fill his "stomach." The rabbit had overcome his imminent bashfulness when with his crush.
"It's great, Lavi. Kanda-kun was just having breakfast with us." Lavi felt a small tick inside of him with the addition of "kun" to the samurai's name, but he crushed it down.
"He hasn't been spouting vulgarities, has he? Or has he been saying slanderous things about me?? OH, NO!"
Lenalee and even Miranda laughed at this, and Miranda's eyes occasionally flitted around to meet Lavi's. When they once made eye-contact, the curly-haired woman gave a little "meep!" and went to get more orange juice.
Dear me, Miranda thought, what's happened? I can't seem to stay calm around Lavi at all. She was about to reach for the pitcher of juice when another hand extended as well. Their fingers met. Miranda looked up to see Krory standing right by her.
"M-Mister Krory? Is that you?" Miranda stuttered happily (if such a thing is possible), "It's been a long time since I've s-seen you."
"Y-y-y-y-y-y-y-yes." Krory, apparently, had a greater speech impediment than Miranda. He swallowed dryly, "We studied music at the s-s-s-s-same center, right?"
"Oh, yes!" Gushed (Good lord!) Miranda. She had loosened up considerably. "Talking with you back then was always so much fun. Oh, what's this?"
Lavi was motioning over to her. "Could you get me some more cereal?" He called. Miranda broke out into fresh perspiration.
"S-sorry, Mister K-K-Krory. It was lovely meeting you again!" Miranda scuttled off with a box of Lucky Charms, leaving Krory still holding the pitcher of orange juice, still in a daze.
"Hey, you gonna drink the OJ?" A generic classmate asked generically.
Krory jumped, dropped the orange juice all over said generic classmate's totally generic shoes, and then proceeded to run like hell. But it's not like the generic classmate could do anything other than generic to Krory. Oh. In that case, that's very bad indeed.
Meanwhile, Lavi had finished his breakfast and was chatting animatedly with Lenalee and Miranda, making them giggle. Allen had consumed three bowls of oatmeal which filled him up. He continued to sit at the table only for the sake of watching Kanda.
The samurai picked at a slice of toast moodily, barely sipping a cup of black coffee. Allen noticed his face was drawn and the color of fresh sheets. Also, he was wearing a turtleneck sweater that didn't quite cover the bruise on the left side of his chin. He had been practicing after all.
The samurai noticed Allen observing him, and suddenly he placed his hand over his heart, unsure of why he felt so panicked. There wasn't anything he wanted to hide. Nothing at all. The skin he'd tattooed years ago felt crawly, as if covered in vile insects. Wait a minute... Why had he gotten that tattoo in the first place? He'd never especially liked anything to do with piercing or body art. So why... I can't remember.
"Kanda, why aren't you eating?" Allen locked eyes with him.
"I can't tell you." That I can't get these strange, hazy memories, these voices, out of my head; they are making me feel so horrible I threw up twice in the morning.
"Why are you so pale today?"
"I can't tell you." That I'm afraid to eat anything right now because I'll feel sick again and I might vomit; I'll make everyone think I'm weak and useless.
"Why do you play the violin?"
Kanda closed his eyes briefly. "I can't tell you."
That it's my legal drug, what keeps me alive, but at the same time it's the one thing that's ruining my life.