Hey people.

Well, Ellie's soaking up some sun in the bahamas (no, not really. Queensland) so the reins are mine.

Oh right, who am i?

Just some deranged girl called Kassy.

And, um, i'm sorry about this chapter. And the length - i just couldnt shut up.

TWAZOID - HOLY BEATCH

After all this excitement – yes, Jesus is considered exciting...uhh – we cut to Bella's boring bedroom. Waking up from an amazing feat – seizuring while sleeping – Bella whinnies in surprise to see Spunkward perving on her.

"I WILL EAT YOUR SOUL!" he says, before jumping out of the open window. Seeing as this movie has a beyond awesome director, we now cut to the school where Bella is staring hauntedly at a marshmallow. Mike Newtooth is asking the horse to go to prom with him.

"You're alive! So let's go to prom? LOVE ME!" he cries, while she munches on Angela's hair distractedly. Of course, when Spunkward comes along, carrying a pineapple – for no apparent reason – she ignores everything else and just stares at him like the deranged horse she is. Still parked in the non parking space, Bella swishes her long tail this way, and that way and contemplates what licking a fish would be like.

Because she's just that interesting.

Disclaimer: Isabella Swan is, in no way, interesting, or ever will be.

"Prom, dancing? BEING INTERESTING? I JUST CAN'T DO THAT!" she neighs, hyperventilating because she has an unattainable amount of confidence. Suddenly, Charlie pops out of nowhere, holding a long rod and rubbing it distractedly. He uses the rod for fishing. INNUENDO!

"Bella, I am a man. And I have a manly job and a manly house. Because I am a man. When I am not working, I go fishing, because fishing is a manly thing to do. So lower your voice. Manly men do not have high voices, because they are men. And you are the daughter of a manly man, because I am a manly man, so therefore, you must be a manly man." He says, chagrin obvious on his manly face. Because he is a man.

Bella chides herself for being so interesting and bobs her head up and down like a little bobble head dog. She continues to munch on Angela's hair. Charlie looks around the school and notices Spunkward trying to sing to a pie, yet failing miserably.

"A real manly man!" he says in his manly voice – because he is a man – while Kate, wearing an I SEE DEAD PEOPLE shirt walks by, talking to her giant armadillo.

Suddenly, Robert Pattinson – dressed in a green plaid shirt, accompanied by his hot hobo boyfriend, Tom Sturd, who is wearing a Team Edward shirt – walks up to Spunkward, asking him why his hair is so large. Bella is instantly transported back to Arizona, where she had her beloved Cacti. Oh, the things she did to that Cacti...

Like giving it water.

And sunlight.

God, what were you dirty people thinking about?

SUDDENLY, Jacob Black pops out of Bella's truck – where he'd been stowed away – wearing a tennis skirt and pink cashmere sweater, holding a banjo, and starts doing a tribal dance, singing a song about the drover's boy.

"MOUSTACHE!" Charlie says to nobody in particular, before flying away on a super moustache with wings. Jessica Skankface comes up to the crowd then, with Jacob still dancing, and addresses horsefa-Bella.

"I like me some petunias." She says skankily in gangster speak, while Spunkward eats the pie he was formerly trying to sing to.

And then a green midget falls out of the sky, doing an Irish dance.

Skipping a boring field trip scene which nobody cares about, we arrive at Bella's house where she drops her school bag. Coordination!

"I talked to your mother on the telephone. She shows emotion in her words."

Bella rolls her eyes and doesn't bother to pick up her bag.

"That's your fault. You shouldn't have told her about the accident." She says in as manly a voice she can manage. Because it's so wrong to tell Bella's mother that she was nearly killed; I'm sure she didn't want to know.

"Bella. I am a man. And because I am a man and do not understand emotion, I must assume that her face is different because she had some kind of surgery."

Bella sighs intelligently and nods, before walking off. Because this scene is just so important.

We arrive back at the school in the cafeteria now, where Jacob black is sitting – even though he doesn't go to this school – inconspicuously touching a jellyfish...in all the wrong places.

Like the tentacles.

You don't touch the tentacles; they sting.

You have a dirty mind.

Bella is standing at the lunch line, stroking a piece of corn, when Spunkward walks up to her and whispers in her ear, "Your soul will taste good." She turns around, startled, only to find a giant armadillo krumping behind her. She shrugs and continues to stroke the corn, which is oh-so-strokable. While walking up to her table, Spunkward suddenly steps in front of her, effectively cutting off her path.

"Wanna come to the beach?" she asks him. He shrugs.

"No, not really." Bella narrows her eyes suspiciously.

"I can see what you're trying to put off, but I can see it's just to keep you away from me. It's a mask." He eyes her dubiously.

"No, I just don't like you. You look like a horse." He says simply.

"Why am I so boring?" she asks distractedly, looking for some hay to munch on.

"Because...because...I WILL EAT YOUR SOUL!" He says, magically magic-ing a Dracula cape and flying into the wind. Bella throws an apple at him and it just misses his head, which is excitable enough for Bella. She turns up her iPod so she can hear Katy Perry's Hot & Cold remix through her headphones.

...Meanwhile, somewhere in Australia, a random kangaroo dies.

We cut now to La Push, where everybody is sitting in vans. Because all teenagers drive vans. Unfortunately, Bella's personality truck is missing. Ellie is frolicking somewhere in QLD, having family time. And Kassy is, um, high. You think I'm writing this...sober? Oh, how naive.

Suddenly, the entrancing Quil jumps out of the shadows, his dark curls whipping around his handsome, chiselled face. Um, Embry comes too. As Quil and Embry approach the group, Kate rushes forward – wearing a THE INTERNET IS FOR PORN shirt – and takes Quil aside, to give him a stern talking to.

"Now, Quil." She says, "My friend Kassy, who is beyond awesome, likes you." Quil quirks a quizzical eyebrow and prompts her to go on. "I want...I want you to let her write with you. Because you are Quil and that would be very sexual." Quil's expression turns one of bewilderment and he opens his mouth to speak,

"I will not let that girl write with me! I am no common Quil!" he screams in outrage. Kate's mouth sets into a tight line of determination, and we are momentarily distracted by Carlizzle running past like a fag, screaming in a high pitched voice,

"MR FUZZENSTEIN!" He runs into the sea and, um...Jack sparrow saves him. Happy now, Kate?

Anyway, back to the story.

"If you don't let Kassy write with you," She hisses angrily, "I will tell everybody that you're having it on with Sam Uley!"

Quil gasps in shock.

"NO! THEY MUSN'T KNOW!" he says, astonished. Kate eyes suddenly go very wide and she falls onto the ground, laughing her ass off, while Quil shifts uncomfortably. "I mean...it's not as if we ever use whips and chains, or anything, even if leather does make my perfect ass look extremely good..." he tries to backpedal, but Kate just pats him on the shoulder, and says,

"It's okay, Quil. I was a banana once, too."

When Kate and Quil come back to the group, Bella is trying to munch on Jacobs hair, while the others are going off to surf in the 10 degree ocean water.

Eleanor walks past at that moment, with the hot actor guy that plays Shakespeare in Shakespeare in love. Kristen and Ash run behind her, Kristen screaming "HE'S MINE!" and Ash simply singing the banana phone song.

"Ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, BANANA PHONE!"

Kassy is sitting there, reading an outrageously weird book called twilight, and wondering why Bella was made so boring, when Quil walks over to her and kisses her on the cheek. Kassy looks up in surprise.

"Quil? What's up?" she asks in her extremely awesome voice.

Quil is silent. "If you don't talk to me, Quil...so help me, I'll make you gay in Lost!" Quil stays silent.

"With...with Embry!" Quil blanches, yet remains silent. Mimicking typing on a keyboard, Kassy narrates, "Quil prowled over to Embry with a sensual look in his eyes. 'Are you ready for me, big-'" Suddenly, Jesus appears, doing the chicken dance, making Kassy run off to chase him.

Meanwhile, on the beach, Jacob is talking to Bella about something. "Did you know that I was a wolf?" he asks sexually, skirting around a giant octopus in his path.

"Really? Like, a real wolf?" she asks in her man voice.

"No. A freaking pretend wolf. Gosh!" Bella starts to munch on his hair, so he comes up with a more direct approach.

"Vampires exist." He says simply. Bella replies with a surprised,

"Fuck."

Once again, sorry.

Please review.