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Angry and Confused
Chapter 9
"Do you not see?"
We trudged back to Jacob's house in silence. Jacob must have wanted to be far from me because Quil walked between us. At first, I had been happy that I would be able to hand out with the Alice Cullen, but I soon grew sad, almost regretting my choice. After ten minuets of defining silence, I grew angry.
Why was he acting this way? Did Jacob Black honestly believe that his former friend would hurt me? Bella Swan now Cullen? The character that I new could not hurt a fly, unless it was beneath her when she fell on her own face.
When we entered the house both Billy and Quil must have felt the tension because Quil muttered a quick goodbye as Billy rolled to the T.V. and turned the volume up.
I made my way to my bedroom, already deciding that I would cry without an audience. I quickly shed off my lemon sweater, leaving on my pink tank-top. Thought it was cold outside I felt heated with resentment.
A single tear rolled down my flushed red cheek as I savagely kicked off my soaked converse. I turned around to throw the sneakers into my closet but stopped mid-throw when I caught Jacob in my doorway, his fingers gripping the doorframe and his eyes on me.
It was all my fault wasn't it? Those puppy-dog brown eyes looked at me with sadness. That one mixed up glance sent all of my tears spilling over.
I was no longer crying silently as I had been before. Instead a sob burst free. My hands went involuntarily to my face to cover the tears, as if that would help. As if that hid them away so that he would not see that I was crying for him.
Jacob's eyes grew wide and frantic as he quickly rushed over to me and began brushing away every tear that strayed from my eyes. "No! Please…Stop...I…" Jacob searched for the words that would make me stop. I would have if I could, for him, but they were flowing freely now.
"I'm sorry."
My sobs stopped abruptly. "Sorry?" It was what I thought I had wanted to hear but when the words came out of his mouth they did not help. "For what? You have not done anything wrong. I just hurt you for my own selfish reasons!" I pushed him forcefully on the shoulders so that he could not touch me. The power in me could not move him but the shock did. "And you are saying sorry?" I thrust my clenched fists down to my side.
"What else am I supposed to do?" He was confused, as was I.
"Nothing!" My hands flew back to my face and my knees sunk to the ground. When I spoke again my voice was small. "It is me, all me," I averred, shaking my head.
Jacob's voice did not soften as he began to feed off my angry aura. "Stop blaming yourself for everything. No one likes a martyr and it is not your fault!"
"Then who's is it?" I questioned harshly.
Jacob slowly got down onto the floor, exactly across from me, taking my hands. "No ones, fate is just trying to be funny," he whispered.
"Cruel joke."
Then we were quiet. He rubbed the top of my hands lightly with his thumb while his other four fingers touched my palm. I watched at first but, after awhile, I could not. How could he be so kind? Cruel joke indeed.
I do not know what my mind was thinking but it pulled out a question that I never should have asked and did not want the answer to.
"Do you still love her?" The question was a whisper and oh so wrong.
There must have been something in that old, unwritten imprinting law that made him tell me the truth because I don't think he would have told me on his own accord.
"Yes."
I chocked back a sob and stuttered, "How is that…po…possible?" I did not mean for the words to come out sharply but they cut him like a knife.
"Like I said, fates."
"You can't blame everything on some unknown power."
"It is better than blaming you."
I sighed. "Look I… need to go for a walk," I decided.
Jacob looked up at me as I rose from the floor. "Wait!" he called as he himself got up. Even though I could not see his face (my eyes were on my own feet) I could tell that his eyes were pleading with me, for his voice portrayed that emotion.
"Don't you see?" he went on when I did not answer. "I need you more, she is just still there. Just as Leah will always be a part of Sam's life, Bella will always be a part of my past but you are my Emily, Ginny. Please, be as understanding as she was."
I looked up at him as the regret and anguish began to well back up within me. "Of course." I plastered on a smile that could not convince a stranger. "I just need to go for a walk, ok?"
Jacob nodded stiffly as I left the house with my lemon sweater and my feet bare.