He's Having My Baby
Part 2
When each caught sight of the other, they shared a similar uncomfortable face, uncertain how best to confront the situation.
"You don't think... that... that..." Hare began.
"No. No of course not. I mean it's not for certain. ...It could've been a number a people."
"What?!"
The doctor just stood there and listened.
"I..."
"You..." Hare swished his arms around, desperate to hear words he maybe already knew.
"Well you know how I am."
Hare turned his face in a direction Hatter couldn't see so well and gulped. "Yeah, of course... you're right... it... could've been a number of people... like you said..."
"Well! Good luck!" The doctor interjected. Hatter and Hare just stared at him looking a mixture of lazy and pissed.
"But."
"Hey, if you want to sleep with everyone in Wonderland, I can't do anything about it. I'm just a doctor."
* * *
The scenes cuts to a view of the hospital hallway. Hare emerges from a door and waits for Hatter, who wobbles out with both hands holding his belly. They sigh when they realize they have to find Alice.
"She's gonna wanna know the verdict, Hatter."
"Well no shit," Hatter replied, dropping his mouth into a pouty frown.
"... Maybe we should just tell everyone you're dying... you know.. until you're sure who the father is."
"Or the mother."
"Y-..yes..."
They reached the lobby and quickly spotted Alice sitting with a magazine next to a small potted flower with a heart-shaped "get well" balloon. Hatter frowned even more. He pulled Hare off to the side before they reached her. "Look. Just tell her I have AIDS."
"But Hatter... that's a sexually transmitted disease. It's going to come back to you rolling in Wonderlandian hay anyway."
"Okay fine, cancer."
"What kind?"
"There are kinds?"
Hare grimaces. "Why don't you let me handle it, Mr. Beachball."
They came up to Alice and stopped, their shadows looming over her magazine. She slapped it closed and smiled hopefully at Hatter. "Well what did the doctor say?" Hare inhaled sharply as if he were just about to inform Alice that he had accidentally ran over her cat.
"Well, it's like this..."
Alice lifted her hand as if to say "go on".
"It's...gas. That's what it is," Hare said finally. Her face scrunched up in disbelief.
"Gas? Are you sure?"
"Yes, that's all it is," Hatter piped up. "Now if you'll excuse us, Alice, we have a little trip to take to Wonderland Pharmacy." He did a jogging motion as if to emphasize their need to skedaddle.
"Okay. I hope you feel better, Mr. Hatter," she called after them as they fled the scene.
* * *
After about half a mile they stopped to catch their breaths. Hatter stared directly at Hare. "Gas? Really? What the fuck was that?"
"Oh, and your AIDS and generic cancer stories would've been sooo convincing," the Hare flapped his hands in annoyance. He didn't need this shit. "I mean, I-I-I-I would've loved to see you explain to little Alice as to how you contracted HIV," Hare continued mockingly.
Hatter elbowed him in the side. "Shut up! Those were the only diseases I could think of on short notice that didn't sound like total bullshit!"
Passersby were beginning to stare at the odd couple but they didn't appear to notice or care. "Well, now that we've lied to a little girl you realize we're going to have to convince everyone else also. Obviously we need to get rid of the baby," Hare started reasonably.
"Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Where do you get off telling me to get rid of my baby?!" Hatter put his hands on his hips, utterly pissed at his friend and possible baby....daddy...thing. "Besides, I don't know of any abortion clinics in Wonderland, do you?"
Hare hesitated. "I could push you down the stairs. Or, actually, now would be a good time to develop an alcohol problem."
"Um. No. Listen, we're in deep shit here. We're up to our eyeballs. We just need to put our heads together and make an informed decision, especially with the baby coming—" Hatter stopped mid sentence and looked down to his round little friend. "Hare..."
"What?" Hare answered, instinctively placing his hands on Hatter's shoulders.
"I don't wanna have the baby before I know whose it is!" He whined.
"Ohhh, Hatter. Well... we just need to round up who exactly has been sleeping with you and ... oh hell... I don't know... call up Maury?"
"But... but... I really don't wanna talk about who I've been sleeping with."
They reached Hatter's house and quickly entered, approaching the stairs to sit in the attic, but Hatter didn't appear to be making it. Hare carefully lead him to a seat where they were and he breathed laboriously. When Hare had reached the window, he took a sour gulp and gathered his thoughts.
".... Are you too afraid to tell even me?" He asked, still with his back turned.
"Well..." Hatter began, figuring now was a better time than never. "It... it's not a lot of people.. It's... mainly you," he explained, figuring it'd prepare him for the names to come. "And Tweedle Dee... a couple of times..." Hare whipped around.
"YOU WHAT?!" He screeched, his face flushed with pink. Hatter darted his eyes around. "I knew it," Hare whispered to himself.
"And Dum..."
At this point, Hare rose his hands and tangled them in his hair as he continued to pace before the window.
"A few hot Wonderland women... you know... and men. …But I promise. Not caterpillar. I don't even think that's possible." Hare's pacing slowed and stopped. He clenched his fists and tried to count to ten inside his head. "But Rabbit..." Hatter began. Hare slowly turned in his direction, mouth trembling. "ONCE. ONCE!!!!" He struck his index finger at him for emphasis.
"H-Hatter... How could you?"
"I was curious! I'll never go back, I promise! He's terrible at it. Not to mention furry." Hare gasped. "I MEAN I LIKE FURRY. But not that much." Hare bit his lip and crossed his arms. "Cute furry... like you know, maybe a pair of ears..." He immediately stopped with the mushy stuff once he realized he was doing it.
Hare didn't seem to have appreciated the comment as much as Hatter hoped he would. Instead, he hovered near the door.
"I... think I should give you your space."
"Oh come on, don't be like this."
"It's your baby and you have some things to think about, obviously."
"But... Hare... we always think together."
"N-not about stuff like this."
"But-"
"I'll try to handle the questions I'm bound to get from everyone else and you just rest. Y-you need it." He twitched his nose a little and lowered his head as he seeped out the front door.
"Wait!" Hatter hollered. Hare turned around to stare at him, unblinking. "Okay, first of all, we really have never had any other experience that could possibly compare to this, so you can shove that," Hatter paused to put on a retarded expression and voice, "'N-not about stuff like this.'" Hare raised his gloved hand in objection but Hatter went on, with a more solemn tone. "Besides, I honestly think, or, at least, I'm pretty sure, that you're the father."
Hare was gobsmacked. "What?"
"It's well known that you hares have a 41-42 day gestation period. How else could I have gotten pregnant this fast?"
"B-but...wouldn't the fact that you're a human affect that?"
Hatter rolled his eyes. "Well, duh! But still, there's no other logical explanation."
An awkward pause passed over them. "Hatter, there's really no logical explanation for you being pregnant. You're a man," Hare pointed out as if this wasn't readily apparent.
"How true that is. However, I kind of fucking am, so there goes that argument. Captain Obvious."
"If your shitty mood is any indication," Hare retorted, liking this less and less by the second.
"Oh, I'm sorry, Hare. Next time we'll get you knocked up and you can see what a barrel of laughs it is!" Hatter squished his lips together and looked down sadly at his stomach. "How is the little bastard supposed to get out anyway?"
"With a wire hanger," Hare muttered. Hatter glared at him.
"My God, what if he's born with your ears? Or your teeth? I hope those genes are recessive."
"Better born with my genes than your dipshittery!"
Just then they noticed Alice who had wandered up to the door behind Hare. She seemed very confused, but neither gave her a proper welcoming; they just stared.
"You guys left me at the hospital," she finally remarked.
Hatter blinked a whole mess of times and switched the legs he was crossing. "...I-it's not that long of a walk."
"It is for a little girl without any directions!"
"Well, young Alice, you're the one that comes here all the time."
As the quarrel escalated, Hare looked like a snake had slithered up his pants. Eventually the two were silent, waiting for him to pick a side.
"I-I need some tea if I'm gonna deal with this any longer."
He dashed past her and went for the teapots. Alice watched him in his desperate search of the table and looked back to Hatter. "...What's the matter with him?"