He's Having My Baby
PART 6

It had been a very long-ass day and Alice was upstairs in her room talking on the phone with her best friend Kim. With her free hand, she reached over to stroke Dinah laying lazily on the bed with her, and she stared ahead with a worriless, lazy expression. "Yeah, I sure loved that coat at the mall too. But I'm just gonna have to save up for it. I asked my mom and dad and they still need to come up with something I can do to earn it..." she explains, as if it's a real pain that she isn't just getting the money. She giggles at whatever it is Kim says and continues to listen.

A moment later, her smile drops. "I thought I told you already. I had plans." As she listens, she starts to glare at the other end of the room. "What do you mean 'that's not good enough'? We've been through this a million times." "...Friends sometimes have to do things that are secret, okay?! Real friends understand that and butt out!!" "... Look, Kim... Some important things are going on right now and I really don't have time for you to be giving me the drill on the usual bullshit. I don't have to explain where I am to you 24/7." "You know what?! Forget it! I was thinking one day I would tell you under the insane assumption that you wouldn't take me to the nearest psyche ward, but now I'm not so sure!"

She hangs up the phone and starts yelling at the nearby cat. "God! What a bitch!"

Dinah mews indifferently.

"Am I not allowed to keep some aspects of my life personal?! Nooooo, not according to Kim. Because she obviously tells me everything in the world, like how she crashed Christina's party without inviting me, and made out with Patrick behind the bushes in the playground. You know how I discovered that, Dinah?! Huh?!" The cat pauses a moment and then tries to jump off the bed but is caught mid-leap. Alice cuddles it violently. "That's right. I found out from Dana a whole 3 months later!"

"But enough about that. I have bigger fish to fry...like the Hatter's baby shower! Aren't these invitations divine?" she asked the cat as she shoved the handcrafted invitations in her face. Dinah blinked and reached out to paw at them. Alice giggled and set her back down on her bedspread. Then she frowned briefly. "Of course, it was really awkward having to explain to Ms. Mittermeyer about why I was making so many baby shower invitations with a pregnant man on the front. I just told her that it was a statement about our patriarchal society. She really liked that."

At this point Dinah was rolling around on her back and sort of clawing at the air.

With a determined air she tossed the invitations at her mirror and they miraculously disappeared through the glass threshold to Wonderland.

The Queen was in the middle of sampling a pitcher of lemonade when a glittery invitation landed smack-dab in front of her. "What is this fuckery?" she bellowed as she picked up the offending piece of paper. She unfolded it and skimmed it. Her eyebrows seemed to recede completely into her forehead. "RABBIT!" she screeched as if her hair was on fire. In a jiffy came the neurotic White Rabbit, skates and all with his own invitation clutched in his nervous paws.

"Yes, Your Highness?"

"What the hell is this?" she asked as she shook the invitation at him. The rabbit stiffened.

"I'm...I'm sure I don't know," he responded, nose a-quiver.

Dissatisfied with his answer, she jerked her head back towards the letter and skimmed it again, then squinted at the fun curly letters. Her lips mimed "baby shower".

"Is this some kind of joke?!"

Rabbit skated to her other side and stroked the fur below his chin a little. "N-n... why ever would you think such a thing?"

"Because! You know the Hatter and Hare. They're always coming up with ridiculous bullshit."

"Yes, but.. as you can see..." He tried, pointing to the end of the letter. "It's from Alice. Alice would never lie." She paused once more to read everything on the letter that she possibly could and then glanced up at the sky. I-I-It wasn't even exasperation at this point. She was genuinely perplexed with the world around her. Rabbit caught her by the arm and tried to lead her towards her thrown. Eventually she was seated, with the letter on her lap. Rabbit was tidying up a table nearby. "RABBIT!"

He fell over his work area and speedily replied, "yYYyyesss?!!"

"Bring me the telephone. I want to call Alice and ask if this is authentic."

"Uhhh... but Your Majesty..." He swayed towards her. "You can't." She widened her eyes at him. "I MEAN.... it's... impossible... Alice isn't in Wonderland... and... and..."

"Oh hurumph."

"But... but... I'm sure she plans to visit soon-"

"No! I've got a better idea. Bring the Hatter here. He has some explaining to do."

Rabbit looked like he wasn't so sure that was a good idea. "...I.... alright." He returned his attention to his feather duster and continued to pat the Queen's stuff with it.

"I MEANT NOW." The Queen impatiently had to explain. He picked himself back up from the floor on which he fell and took a deep breath.

"Of course..."

He swayed out the courtyard.

When Rabbit reached the gate of 1602 Teapot Terrace, Hare was sitting out by himself looking drained with a cup of tea in hand. "Hare!" He called to him. Usually Hare would've come hurrying up to let Rabbit in, but he really didn't look inspired to take his reclined feet off the table today. Eventually Rabbit was standing next to him as he stirred and sipped listlessly. "Are you... feeling alright?" Hare paused to think about the question put in front of him.

"... Not really." There was silence for a few seconds. "No." He repeated to drive the point home.

"...Well where's Hatter?"

"He's... inside. Taking a nap."

"Oh, well, I-"

"I told him oysters wouldn't taste good in an omelet but he insisted. A couple hours later I was sprucing up the place and he got sick from the smell of Windex. I paid $4.75 a pound for those godamn oysters and now it's straight down the toilet. Literally. ......I may as well have tossed my life savings down that toilet... ahgheoghgh..." He began to weep even before his face met his palms. His shoulders shook as he moaned to no one in particular.

"...I-I-It's not about the oysters, is it?" The White Rabbit exhaled shortly.

"No."

Meanwhile, the Tweedles swaggered by, twin invitations in their hands. "Hey," Tweedle Dum piped up. Hare and Rabbit acknowledged them.

Tweedle Dee offered his invitation to Hare. "Why is Hatter celebrating becoming a fatass again?" Hare took a brief respite from his self-pity and cautiously took the invitation from Tweedle Dee's hand. He stared at it for a bit before his face scrunched up into disbelief.

"Oh, God."

As if on cue, Hatter strolled leisurely up to the impromptu party of four. "Hare, I thought I asked you to—What the hell is that?" he asked, indicating the piece of paper Hare held in his hands limply. Before Hare could answer Hatter snatched it away and stared at it. As soon as he was finished his lips were so squished together it seemed like they were in danger of bursting. "Oh, my God! I didn't think she was serious!"

Rabbit decided this was a really good time to bring up his true reason for being there. "Um...H-Hatter, the....Queen... requests...well, demands, actually, your presence."

Hatter frowned. "What for?"

"Incidentally, she wants to know why you sent these out."

"I didn't. I think that was pretty well-implied when I said 'Oh, my God! I didn't think she was serious!'. I'm just as surprised as she is!"

Hare scoffed at that. "Hatter, you know she really wanted to make this baby shower happen."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa!" Tweedle Dum interjected. "Baby shower? What?"

"You mean, you're not having a party because you're fat again?" Tweedle Dee asked sounding positively dumbfounded. Hatter looked quite offended at the implication of his size, even though it looked like he was smuggling many kilos of heroin over the border.

"No! I'm having a baby, you fuck-knuckle!" he retorted as if that were more dignified than being obese. The Fates were clearly against the Hatter that day because the Queen happened to be walking towards them just in time to hear his confession.