Disclaimer: I own nothing except for the plot.
Stuff with quotation marks and in italics are her thoughts and just plain italics are lyrics.
Chapter Two: Chelsea Smile
***
I woke up to my alram playing one of my favorite songs. It's a good song I think, it has a lot of meaning behind the song and not just some garbage that poeple listen to today. I sat up straight and rubbed my eyes to cure all my sleep away. I look at the clock and it reads 7:30 a.m. great. I throw my legs off my bed, stand up straight and head for the door out of pink princess room. As I walk in the hallway to go to the bathroom I hear my mom crying...again. I think it's better for me to not talk to her today and maybe I might just eat breakfast today. I walk in the bathroom and take a good look at myself. In word to discribe me would be hiddeous. My brown locks of hair that once used to be to my upper back are now at the end of my neck, it's in a choppy style that I think is fine for me right now, I'm too stressed to even worry about hair.
I don't know how I let myself go like many other things. My eyes hag little bags under them of course no one else notices them but me being me...I do. I also noticed I lost weight. God, sometimes pulling the trigger to the Land of the Nod would be glory, but I don't and try and pull myself through this war I call a life.
I tun on the water to the sink and cup my hands under the downfall and splash my face. I know I'm awake now. My slender hands trace the features of my face and I frown in shame. This is what I've done to myself...why?
As I finish what I had to do in the bathroom, I walk back into my room and look into my closet. I grab the first pair of pants and shirt I see not really caring what they look like. I take of my Mickey Mouse pajama set and slip on my shirt and pants. I head to the body mirror and look at what I have on. My reflection was a slender girl wearing Hollister pants and shirt. It looked perfectly fine to me. I grabbed my brush and walk to the kitchen while brushing my mocha maine. I see my mom fixing breakfast and looking a little drained. I try my best to be silent and look in the refrigerator.
"Courtney, don't you see I'm making breakfast?" She questions coldly.
"Sorry mom, I just want to grab a quick juice so I can be on my way." I say in the best happy-go-lucky voice I could muster despiting my groggy mood I'm in.
"God Courtney! Why do you do this to me?! Huh?!" This...this is makes me hate myself. I lower my head.
"Mom, I'm not all that hungry anyways." I say and walk out the door "forgetting" my juice. As I exit the door I sigh inwardly and see Duncan outside his car leaning on the passenger side. If I was my old self I would smile and melt, now I just stay quiet and give him a slight smile.
"Hey Princess." He says as he leans in when I reach him. I turn my head slightly to the side burt further enough to block dodge his kiss.
"Not today Duncan. Can you just take me to school, please?"
He cocks his head to the side and looks at me questioningly then really looks at me like somethings wrong with me. One side of me is screaming yes please find out and the other is yelling no. He moves away and opens the door for me to get in and I do. He shuts the door and walks oveer to the drivers seat, sits down, closes the door, starts the engine, and drives off. I look out the window and begin to drift off. Duncan nudges me slightly.
"Okay Courtney, what the hell is wrong?"
"Nothing." I say, it's becoming easier and easier to say that word as the days go by.
"Liar." I snap to him and give him my fierces glare.
"There is nothing wrong with me! The only thing that is wrong with me is you right now!" I yell letting the anger from this morning earlier events out on him.
"I know there is something wrong, so why can't you tell me?! Do you not trust me?!" I scoff and look back out the window. Well there goes lunch. I fiddle with one of the hair ties that I have on my wrist and close my eyes.
"God if this is some wicked joke, I really do not feel like playing a role in it."
Five minutes went by and we were at school. I got out the car and walked out of the school parking lot and into the school leavign Duncan behind. I saw Bridgette and walked to her smiling as if my events with my mom and Duncan never happened.
"Hey Bridgette!" I yell as I catch up with her.
"Oh, hey Court!" She says and hugs me and I hug her back. I saw Duncan from the corner of my eye with a look of confusion and bewilderment. I dismissed it and focused more on Bridgette. "Ugh, I hate biology! She gives us tests like every week!" She yells in exasperation. I snicker and smile.
"The you would really hate honors biology." I say as we walk to the commons or also known as the cafeteria but commons is a better name.
I walked passed LeShawna who just said hi and I smiled back. If someone knew I do this eveyday they would think I act for a living and not hiding my problem from the world.
Amy says she's alone.
Says the world doesn't even know.
About the pain she hides inside.
Says happiness is just a lie.
Whenever something good happens to me, it's bitter sweet. I can't ever enjoy anything anymore. This burden inside me is distroying it. You'd think it was a tape worm eating all the happiness and joy that I once had, but it's not.
Smell the roses throw the down.
Just whisper don't make a sound.
Don't want the world to know the truth.
You've been broken and abused....
"Court." Bridgette says waving her hands in front of my face getting me out of dreamland.
"Huh?"
"Gwen wants to know if you and Duncan want to come to the movies with me, Geoff, Gwen, and Trent."
"Uh sure." I say still not really paying attention to the blonde. She smiles and runs off to Gwen. I still stand here not really caring that I look retarted.
"What if mom never changes back to her old self? Does this mean that I'm going to stay the way I am? Hurting myself and those around me? I'm causing a self inflected harm and it's plauging my dreams, my mind, and me. I don't know if there is a cure to this but...I think I need it now or else I'm going to die."
I snap out of dreamland at the word die. It's too strong like the word love. I haven't told Duncan that I love him yet, it's too strong to play with and use nilly willy. What happens when I really do find my true love and I claim I love every boyfriend I went out with...wouldn't that be weird. Shouldn't love be unconditional and unchangable and yet you claim that you love the boyfriend that you have right now and the previous. It's not fair and I don't want to hurt an innocent person just because I think I love someone.
Duncan. Do I really know he loves me? Probably not, he's probably like all the other girls that always tell their boyfriend they love them and the next week they're over. I know I'm not loved. Even the Holy One above us all doesn't love me. If he loved me why would he let me hurt myslef every single day. Every day I hurt and he doesn't do a single thing about it.
This is abuse and it's caused by me.
By you....
And no one knows...or cares. I see Bridgette heading towards me and I think it's time to put that fake smile on my face.
I hope these people know, the only way I'll really smile if you cut me ear to ear.*
Ah another chapter in two days :) I feel accomplished. Im so sorry if there're typos, Im not perfect and I tried my best.
Ermm...The lyrics today are by Flyleaf and the song is called Amy Says, it's very beautiful.
* That particualr part is also known as a Chelsea Smile also another inference to Bring Me the Horizon and the song is called Chelsea Smile which I also do not own. A Chelsea Smile is a tyep of punishment where the British would tourture the victims by cutting them ear to ear giving them a permenant smile hence the name Chelsea Smile.
Uhmm someone did guess one of Courtney's problems and one of them is depression if you haven't noticed. I also gave out two that I think are pretty bold. If you guess it I'll dedicate the chapter where she tells everyone what her problem is which will be a very long chapter by the way.
Well this kid has to go.
Ta-ta.