Disclaimer: I own nothing except for the plot.

Italics is the lyrics. Lyrics are by A Day to Rememer.

Chapter Five: A Shot in the Dark Part Two

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I've lost it. It's been two fucking weeks and I can't seem to regulate my fucking diet! I would only eat two meals and my shrink would just look down upon me and encourage. I can't take much more of it! I want to rip my hair, turn to cocaine, heroin, acid, weed, just any fucking drug that will turn my thoughts away from food and depression, hell even ecstasy! I told Duncan about my problems and to say the least, he's been really helpful but not enough. I'm starting to think...am I good enough? Am I good enough so survive this world, I'm starting to believe my place on Earth is be a failure. Gosh, why can't I seem to make things right?! Today is a day that I dread with a passion...today I see my father or as I call him Giovanni, his name.

He doesn't love me anymore. It's so obvious but I still want the man that I used to know to come back. I miss him...so much. So much that sometimes if I think of him, I would cry to myself to sleep. Call me crazy for wanting a man that's supposed to love you no matter what doesn't anymore. I walked downstairs and hugged my mom goodbye. Ever since the doctor extravaganza, we've been closer and she's apologized for her treatment to me. For that I am most grateful.

I walked out of the door and saw Duncan leaning on his car door and waiting for me. I walked up towards him and smiled.

"Princess."

"Duncan." He leaned in and kissed me, like he normally does and opened the door for me. I got in and put on my seatbelt. He walked to the drivers side and got in and started the car and drove off. On our way there, at a stop light, he looked at me.

"Are you sure you want to go see him? I mean, we could just go somewhere else." He said and continued to drive.

"No...I need to talk to him.... He's so important to me and I just want to talk to him." I said and looked out the window as if telling Duncan that was the end of the discussion and luckily, he got the hint.

Why did this happen to me...I have no idea but it hurts. It's like asking why is the grass green and not getting an answer. Or why do people have to work to make a name for ourselves if we're all one like the bible says? It's cliche. Why settle for the unknown, why don't people seek out the answers that they wanted to know and when they get the chance they turn away and don't even bother. It's a glitch. I'm two people. Courtney, the girl who had everything she wanted...the grades, the friends, the perfect family, house, the boyfriend, everything...but then there's Courtney Barnes...the anorexic teenager who suffers from depression then no one knew about, the person who hides her feelings from the world and acts like everything is okay but everything really isn't. Everything is closing in and she is going insane within the depths of her own mind. So...who am I? Courtney or Courtney Barnes?

Duncan pulled up in the driveway of my fa-- Giovanni's mansion. I looked at Duncan and he looked back.

"Bye." I say and turn to get out the car but not before Duncan says something.

"Why are you even trying?" I turn and look at him.

"The same reason people wonder if life dwells on Mars, or why people walk on the moon, why people even bother to kill when in the end we all die and they put flowers on our gravestones, did they think flowers would make it better? Or bring us back to life?..." My voice was rising. "Duncan who the hell wants flowers when they're dead?!.... " I say shaking my head side to side. "We don't know anything. What is life? Is it wealth, lust, greed, wrath, fulfillment, huh? So many questions and yet there isn't an answer to any of them. Life is cliche." I say as I opened the door and walked out and walked up to the door and run the doorbell. I heard Duncan's car and looked back to see he drove off and when I turned back to the door my-- Giovanni was looking at me and opened the door wider for me to walk in.

"Hi." I say and walk in.

"Yeah..." He says. "Lisa! Courtney is here, we can go out for breakfast now!" He yells upstairs. Lisa is his new wife or my step-mom.

If actions spoke louder than words, you'd have made me deaf by now.

I felt my phone vibrate and looked to see I got a text message from Duncan: I dont know. No one does.

You make it seem so easy to love me for who I really am, am.

Sometimes I wonder why he even thought he was a true criminal...he's so soft.

"Hi Courtney, it's so good to see you again!" Lisa spoke, she wore a pair of capris and a white tunic. I gave her my best smile I could muster even though I blame her for some of my problems.

"You too Lisa." Then their daughter came down and looked at me. I felt a pang of hurt and sadness. This little girl is so loved by the same man I love and call my father, I wonder if the same thing that's happening to me is going to happen to her. She gets love that I crave from Giovanni and she doesn't even see it. Giovanni looked at me.

"Courtney, may I speak with you." I nod once and follow him to the kitchen. "Why are you here?" His bluntness took me aback but then I regained my composure.

"I wanted to talk."

"Well go ahead."

"You hate me. You give me the cold shoulder. You don't even love me anymore. My feelings don't matter to you and I see it. I was in the hospital and I know for a fact they called you and never bothered to even ask me if I was okay. You never once even said to me 'Courtney I just want you to know that I'm glad that you're still in my life.' Nothing. Why? What did I do to you? Did I cause you and mom to get a divorce? Was I too much that you had to start all over again?" I said as tears trickled down my face and his demeanor never changed, he still looked at me with no care in the world.

"No, I don't want to be reminded of my past life...including you. I'm happy here and I love my family."

"But I'm your first born!... How could you forget me, like nothing back home never mattered, like when you used to spin me around never matter, going out to brunch on Sundays never mattered,...like I never mattered. Did I ever matter to you?" I asked trying not to believe him.

"No." His words hurt me. So bad, I wanted to shoot myself. Knowing that your father said you never mattered. I cried harder and ran out. I ran out forgetting my things and ran out of his house and out of his life. I ran down the street not even knowing this neighborhood. I kept running until my legs couldn't run anymore then I would walk. I didn't need a place to go to know.

And now all I know of you is a name.

I stopped to catch my breath. Then Duncan's words echoed in my mind. Why are you even trying?

Because I'm lost...within myself.

Wow its been a while huh? well i hope i did a good job. if people are faving and liking the story, then review! i mean i dont care if you think its garbage if you do then say so. it'll make me feel better that someone is reading it and telling my shit sucks that i need to improve. so please review. goshh.

it's like 1:48 am and i have to go to bed.

G'night Love.