Chapter 2: Motorcycles

BPOV

There wasn´t exactly silence on the phone. I could hear that there was some kind of commotion in the background, like when someone calls you from inside a crowded bar. There must have been a bad connection on the other end. I hung up the phone quickly, assuming they would call back later, but afterwards realized I should have just kept on greeting the random blank caller. At least that would have given me a few more seconds to think about what I almost allowed to happen. Jacob looked a whole lot more than disappointed, and rather embarrassed. I knew I wasn´t doing much better on that last regard.

I looked into his eyes for a second, but then was overcome with shame. This was my best friend. The one who I relied on more than ever, sure, but a boyfriend? Everyone thought we looked it. I knew that we were a lot physically closer than most friends would be. It shouldn´t be any surprise that people thought that way. If only I could make him understand that my heart still belonged to another, no matter how tattered it was, but even mentioning my long lost vampire burned me from the inside out.

After another second, I had gotten to my feet and headed in a random direction as if I had something important to do. Even as I walked, I knew it wouldn´t be long for him to figure out that I was just looking for an excuse to get away. Surprisingly, my heart hurt at the thought of sending him such an obvious sign of rejection. I didn´t want to hurt him. How could I? He was my best friend.

I felt a tug on my hand, his hand. It was scorching hot, like always, but it was shaking. I looked back at him, worried that he was losing him temper, but all I saw was the anguish I had been hoping to avoid. From the bottom of my heart, I wanted to reach out and embrace him, to make him laugh, but some border had been crossed between us, and it tore at my insides. Was it really so impossible for a boy and a girl to be friends and nothing else?

"Bella, please," he said imploringly.

I dropped my gaze from him. I felt my cheeks grow hot. It must have been beet red. But I didn´t respond to him. I knew exactly what he was thinking and the idea of confronting it was terrifying.

"Don´t do that," Jacob said, a little more forcefully, "You were going to let me kiss you…"

"No!" I said loudly, and then took a few seconds to calm my voice down, trying to smile a very nonchalant smile, "Don´t be ridiculous."

"Well, you certainly weren´t moving away. Admit it, for a second there you wanted me too."

The thoughts that had been going through my head at the time was nothing like what it should be, and certainly nothing like how it was with Edward. While my feelings for Jacob were very strong, nothing could ever take the place of my vampire. Try as I might to forget about it, at the same time, I was always trying not to. I was terrified of the day when I couldn´t remember the ice cold of his hand against my skin, the velvet of his voice, that crooked smile, or the amber color of his eyes… or was it golden… topaz? Just a few months ago I would have known that answer perfectly, and that was enough to rip a new wound in my chest. I knew that forgetting him would be best for me, but a part of me would never let go of him. Would it have been easier if I still got to see him at school? As long as I could look upon him every now and then, would it be easier for me to move on? If he hadn´t taken every damn picture I had of him, could I live my life knowing I would at least never forget his face?

It was selfish of me to lead Jacob on like this. I knew that, and yet I was desperate for his company. So desperate that I guess I was momentarily willing to let him kiss me, just so I could feel like I wasn´t the worthless, ugly ex-girlfriend. At the very least, I could feel like I was worth having in a man´s life. While I know Edward would have never meant for me to feel this way, what girl doesn´t wonder that dreaded question -What was wrong with me?- when they are dumped by the love of their life. The agony of feeling like you´ll never be happy again.

This was no life for me. What good was it to waste away my life fawning after someone who I would never see again? My chest froze solid at the silent thought that came to mind. I refused to acknowledge it.

I shook my head, "That´s not it, Jake. I just didn´t know what to do. It was kind of a shock."

I knew he wasn´t going to let me go with that. With two hands on either side of my head, he backed me into the wall. I had to admit that I was a little intimidated, but I remembered Edward doing the same thing to me on the side of his car before we went to play baseball, and the pain momentarily blocked out my embarrassment. With a pain this great, I couldn´t have two feelings at once. Jacob looked deep into my eyes, and I wasn´t dazzled like I wanted to be. Yes, I wish it were that easy. If I could only fall in love with him, there would be no more pain.

"Bella, please just hear me out on this, okay?"

"Jake… We´ve already talked about this. You know I can´t do that."

"Yes, you can…" He said with full confidence, "If you only tried."

"You act as if it´s so easy. You haven´t felt what I´ve felt."

His lips tightened into a straight line, and I looked away. "Oh, haven´t I?" He asked. I didn´t answer. "Seeing you like this makes me miserable. I want to help you, but I have no idea how."

"You´ve already helped me, Jake," I said warmly, a small smile lingering on my lips, "More than you´ll ever know."

"It´s not enough. You´re still hurting. I see it every day. And forgive me for wondering… why you´d rather be this way than give life another shot."

I glared at him now. Apparently he wasn´t the only one who thought I was a lost cause. Hell, practically everyone who knew me thought that I was a lunatic by now. I would have hoped that Jacob had a little more faith in me. I guess I was wrong. "I´m trying, okay? I am trying!"

"Not hard enough."

"What else can you expect me to do?"

"Just let me try to make you happy." He said with a pitiful voice.

"Jake…" I shook my head helplessly, "You can´t force me to feel this way." He looked so hurt at that statement, and I stumbled to try and make it better, "You know you´re my best friend in the whole world… I wish I could promise you more, but… I´m too broken."

A strange look of both pain and confidence came upon his face. "Then I will fix you."

"This isn´t something you can put back together like one of your motorcycles."

To my everlasting relief, he laughed. The sound of it made my heart feel much less burden upon it. He stepped to the side, making a 180 degree turn and planting his back against the wall as well, but he grabbed my hand, making sure I couldn´t get away.

"I´ve fixed more bikes than I can count," he thought with a smug snort, "Some of them, when they came to me, didn´t even look like motorcycles anymore. Just scrapes of metal. The drivers wore them down until they broke under the pressure. Some people didn´t even make at attempt to save them. They just left them on the side of the road, then went off to buy a new one." I didn´t like the image this metaphor was giving me, that Edward had left me and found someone else. My body was burning stronger than when I was bitten by James. "But I worked on every one of them. I spent all my free time with them, putting them back together, wiping away all the grime and shining them up. I didn´t care about using my money to buy any broken or missing parts. It was never a waste. I was happy to do it."

I sighed and looked at him shyly, perhaps a little too flirtatiously, "So I´m a motorcycle, huh, and you´re just determined to fix me?"

"That´s right."

"And what happens when someone comes by your place, eyeing one particularly special, albeit clumsy motorcycle," he laughed at that, "and decides they want to have it? What do you do then?"

"That depends… First I´d have to be really sure that the new driver would take the upmost care with that clumsy motorcycle. You never know when it´s going to blow a tire."

"Haha," I laughed sarcastically.

"… And then I´d have to figure out if it was what was really best for that bike. If it was really better off getting into all kinds of trouble on the road or better to keep it with me forever… Of course, I´d be secretly wishing that I could keep it forever."

I turned to face him, seeing a very far-off look in his face. There was something so mature about him that was immediately self-conscious about myself. I was already so small compared to him, but even after his massive growth spurt, he always had the face of a boy, especially when he smiled. Right now, the look in his eyes made him look like a wise-learned man. He looked like he had seen to the ends of the earth, and the world had touched him deeply. Where was the boy that I knew now?

"But if he was the right kind of driver, would you let it go?"

When his eyes grayed over, he was still looking at me, but not really. There was something so dark in him, but not in a scary way. He looked genuinely heartbroken, and even I had to admit that it would be wonderful if I could be with him just so I could make sure he never looked that was again.

"Yes," Jacob said, simply, "I would."

I sighed. When I moved away, he let my hand slip out of his, and I walked to the window. It was drizzling outside, no surprise. I remembered him teaching me how to ride a motorcycle, how impossible it was for me to handle such a simple task. I still felt like I was cheating him back then. The only reason I even started all this was to have hallucinations of a certain angry vampire. Still, Jacob had the upmost confidence in me at the time. Edward, or the Edward who I had kept alive in my memories, the one I thought had loved me, would have flipped out, but Jacob had faith. Even driving head first into danger or into the turmoil of heartbreak, a part of me knew that Jacob would never let me lose myself.

Of course, I did lose myself to the danger. The two of us were too stupid to not remember a helmet, and I was luckily to have gotten away like just some stitches. When it came to motorcycles, I really wasn´t the best choice. I smiled at the end, "You could always find a new one."

He smiled too, but it was a little dry, "No. Most bikes are quite stable. I don´t think bikes like that come by very often. It doesn´t matter if it´s a little shaky. Every bike has its own personality, after all. Very few can appreciate the ones who don´t run smoothly. I kinda like ´em rough."

Yep. That was me. Rough, indeed. A real bad ass. I laughed quietly.

He was beside me again, looking out at the changing weather. The rain had gotten heavier. I shook my head, not taking my eyes away from the outside world, "Which is why no one else would ever buy me. To shaky on the road for someone to ride."

Jacob was suddenly laughing out loud, a huge laugh, and I wondered what in the world I had said. A moment later, he answered my thoughts, "Oh, Bella. You just haven´t been ridden hard enough."

I groaned and cringed at his childish, but also amusing pun. "Wow, Jake. Did you think up that one all by yourself?"

"I´ve been saving it since the 7th grade. About time I used it."

"I´m sorry I asked," but I giggled all the same.

A few more moments passed in silence. Alice wandered back into the room, looking just as bouncy as ever. At least I had that. No matter what the history between her brother and I, Alice was a good friend. I knew she would always care about me. I was looking forward to spending some time with her.

"Hey, Alice. Should we get started on tonight´s torture?"

While she wrinkled her nose, she smiled wickedly. God only knew what girly things were running through her head. I had a feeling there was a lot of makeup and pink in my future, but she knew that way more than I. "I´ll begin getting things set up."

I sighed in quiet dismay. Not my favorite activity, but it was worth it to spend time with Alice.

Jacob smirked, "Girling it up tonight, or does this include any actual Halloween-themed torture?"

Alice hissed at him, and then gracefully disappeared up the staircase.

"Be nice," I murmured.

I made a move to follow Alice, but Jacob stopped me with another pull to the arm. "Wait… before I go…"

Damnit! I was really hoping this was over with. My cheeks flushed again as I looked back at him. Gone was the face of my dear friend. It was now the face of someone who wanted to be so much more. "Listen… I was told once that the first step in love is friendship, and so is the last… It´s the middle that´s left."

I swallowed hard. I couldn´t even dare to hope. I needed him in my life so badly. Turning him away time and time again was unbearably hard. I wanted to love him. I wanted to fill this hole in my heart. Every night was agony. I had become so accustomed to arms being wrapped around me in my sleep that not even these months could take away the anticipation of an embrace when I opened my eyes.

"Jake…" I started.

"No, please," he shook his head, "Don´t turn me away again. I know that I can´t force you to feel this way, but if you have a little time, if you can see what I have to offer you, things could get better for you. Bella… I would do anything for you. You know that, don´t you?"

My eyes started watering, and before I could stop it, I was crying. "Yes," my sob was a broken whisper.

He took my face in his hands and wiped away my tears with his thumbs. I wasn´t healed by the gesture, but the gaping wound in my chest did close off. I looked deep into his eyes and saw that he was saying only the truth. And it felt good. When I was with him, I was loved.

Tainted as it was, the desire to be with him was overwhelming, and before I could stop myself, I raised myself up as high as I could, coaxed his head downwards, and kissed him.

By the time I had realized what I´d done, it was too late. His hands were already supporting my face against his. It wasn´t a very intense kiss, and I knew he was trying to be gently with me. I didn´t know if the pounding in my heart was out of fear or love, but I gave myself over to him. I did my best to push Edward out of my mind, to experience this new feeling of warm lips instead of cold ones. So I forced myself to do what had to be done, I returned the pressure of his kiss. It was enough for a few moments to be enveloped by the heat of his body, but the cure was only temporary. Edward´s face was still at the forefront of my mind, and I had to let go before I broke down.

When I pulled away, he let me go, but he was smiling. It was an amazing smile, almost comparable to that of my ex-boyfriend, and I was relieved to see it. The words tumbled from my mouth, but for the first time, they were the truth, "I´ll think about it, okay?"

He rubbed the back of my head affectionately, and looked into my eyes like he wanted to stay even longer. Instead, he took me up in an embrace, your everyday friendly one. "Thank you." He whispered.

I sighed, my breath creating waves on his plaid shirt. Too soon, we pulled apart. "I´m running late. We´re still making the rounds looking for Victoria." When he saw me cringe, he rubbed my arms, "Don´t worry. She won´t get near you." He promised.

I nodded, but still couldn´t bring myself to look at him. He must have known I was embarrassed, because he laughed at me again and flicked my ear. He smiled again when I shied away from the ticklish feeling, "Take care of yourself, sweetheart."

Clearly my very recent lapse in control had made him smug. Still, he was glowing, and seeing him that way was enough for now. Once I figured out where to go with this, I only hoped he would continue to smile that way, no matter what the outcome.

He was out the door, and I was running to my room, trying to keep the blush down. When I made it through the door, I was expecting Alice to be her cheerful self, but she was sitting crosslegged on my head, staring at nothing. It wasn´t the same look she had when she was having a vision, but she looked deep in thought. I blushed harder when I considered that she had likely heard or seen the impromptu kiss downstairs.

To drive this awkwardness away, I tried to put on a smile, "So, where´s all the makeup?"

It took her a moment to respond, and then she seemed to shake out of her trance, just like she did when she was having a vision. "Oh… Yes…"

She was quiet as she started pulling out objects from her enormous box of girlie goodies. It wasn´t like her at all. I gnawed on my lip. She couldn´t possibly be upset with me, could she?

As she did my hair and applied the makeup, she smiled, but it wasn´t a full smile. It looked so forced. Vampires had to be brilliant actors to get along in the human world without getting caught, so it must have been something very important. I wrung my fingers together.

"Alice…" Her eyes finally looked directly into mine, for the first time in 15 minutes. "Are you upset with me?"

It took her a few seconds, "No, of course not." But the lapse of time made me think otherwise.

"This isn´t… You didn´t see…?"

Alice cringed, but kept on her plastic smile. "Sorry, I… peaked down the stairs again to see if you were coming."

I wondered momentarily if she was able to see me blush under the light rouge she had dusted onto my cheeks. The idea that she had seen me kiss him was really upsetting. What a silly thing to feel! I was no longer in a relationship with her brother, at his request, so why would it matter?

When she had finished putting my hair up in some crazy but beautiful hairdo, she smiled in satisfaction and something else. It sounded tired, but I knew that couldn´t be the case. She eyed me intensely, like she was admiring a work of art but trying to understand its meaning at the same time. In the end, she nodded. "You look beautiful."

I blushed more, ducked my head down and smiled shyly. The dress-up would come to no good use, but surprisingly I felt more human with Alice than with any other female. I felt a whole lot younger too. I knew Alice had never had these experiences, so if anything, this was her way of living out those lost years.

I finally gathered the courage to ask, "Are you mad that I… did that?"

I thought at first that I would have to explain what I was talking about, but she immediately knew. "No. I´ll admit, I´m a little worried about you hanging out with a werewolf, but… I´m happy for you. You deserve to be happy."

Why did she have to look so broken when she said that? She looked like she had lost a precious loved one. I wondered if that was me. Had she been thrilled at the idea of having me as a sister in the future? Had she been expecting Edward to change me into one of them, and looking forward to it? Maybe in some way, I was betraying her, betraying that dream of hers. However, it was worthless. There was no point in eternity without Edward. There was barely a point in this life without him. It was all I could do to lean on Jake for support.

"Promise me you´ll be careful. Werewolves are known for their temper." She advised.

"I know, but Jacob would never hurt me."

"Don´t be too sure, Bella. Just don´t get him mad… ever."

I nodded. I didn´t want to upset Jacob anyway. Jacob always looked out for me, so I would do my best to look out for him. If I had any hope of having a… relationship… with him, then I would do my best to make him happy.

Wow. I was already considering a future with him. This was nothing like what it was with Edward. I had never been so terrified. This felt wrong in so many ways, and yet I felt like I was backed into a corner. Jake was my constant. Even Alice would eventually have to leave me. I would never be abandoned my Jake, and I had already been abandoned by too many people. I couldn´t take anymore. Still, would I ever feel for him what I did for Edward? Could my heart ever open up to him like I wanted it to?

The night passed slowly. Pedicures, manicures, popcorn and a movie. Your typical pajama party. Of course, Alice wouldn´t be going to sleep. She told me that she would stay on the lookout for Victoria, and make a trip to the old house. When I settled down to sleep, she was still and quiet on the floor at the foot of my bed. Her body was turned away from mine, but I could see a partial outline of her face in the light of the moon coming through my window. She still looked so tense.

It took me a long time to drift off. I stared out the window, at the moon, remembering what had happened with Jacob. I would have to force myself. I would force myself to love him, somehow. When I could fully appreciate how much he had given me, how much I could give him, falling in love with him would be easy. He was such a wonderful boy. How hard could it be? Why had I even fallen for Edward?

Now that was an interesting question. Why did I fall for Edward? I didn´t truly know him very well, but I had been dazzled by him. The crush I had on him was instant, based solely on how beautiful he looked, as it always is in the beginning. Our attempt at friendship didn´t bring about love, but my affections for him did grow. The mystery of him did draw me in, for even if I didn´t know him, I had sensed adventure in him. Finding out what he was should have scared me off, but I felt no change in my heart. Then the night at Port Angeles came to mind, when he saved me from that group of surly men, went on a "date" with me to a restaurant, and drove me home. I learned so much about him, and I knew that he was a good person, in spite of his beliefs that he was a monster. Again, my affections for him only grew, but I couldn´t put a name to the feeling that was building. It wasn´t until we said goodnight, when I turned to find him so close to me, looking as though he would kiss me, that I understood what was happening. What had it been? What was that deciding factor that gave my heart away to him? Or was it even possible to narrow it down to a single thing? After all, I loved everything about him. Whether it was his looks, his manners, his smile, his protectiveness, his passion… everything about him had been perfect.

My heart was twisting itself into a knot again. Where was he now? Had he found someone else to dazzle? Every girl who met him was left breathless. Had he ever found himself with another ordinary girl like me, or someone more beautiful and matched to him? It hurt so badly to think about it. It was best for me not to know where he was, but it was better to know than to live like this, as though he had dropped off the face of the planet. At the very least, I needed to know that he was okay, even if the truth hurt.

"Alice?" I murmured after 30 minutes.

"Yeah?" She answered quietly.

It took me a while to gather my courage again. "Where is Edward now?"

Saying his name out loud sent such a wave of pain through my body that I was lucky to have been lying down in a ball, or I would have hunched over, and she would have been instantly aware of the pain it caused me. Many seconds passed, but when she answered, it was simple, "He´s in South America… Brazil, I think."

I could see it, though I knew nothing of Brazil other than what I had seen in pictures of organizations to save the rainforest and some old cartoon characters who were no doubt way outdated. I imagined him on a sunny beach, oddly enough, and in spite of his shimmer no one was shocked. I imagined him just like any other tourist, enjoying the food, dance, ancient ruins… I bet he would find some very exotic "food" to enjoy. Already, I was aching to be there with him. I could be anywhere in the world, as long as I was with him. Anything Brazil or the rest of the world had to offer meant little to me if he was by my side, so it was fair to say that I´d be a rather pitiful tourist. My time would not be wasted though. Everything about him called to me.

"That sounds nice," I said. It was true enough.

I was surprised to see Alice´s body stiffen. Her body was already hard as rock, and breathing was just a habit, but as she inhaled her body suddenly shuddered into stone. I couldn´t see enough of her face to figure out what she was thinking, but a few seconds later, she softened up again, turning her face completely into the darkness and out of my view. "Sure." I didn´t want to ask if I had offended her again. Somehow, I was sure I had. "Go to sleep, Bella."

"Will you be back in the morning?"

Her voice was warm again, "I´ll be back long before you wake up. Sleep well."

I obeyed, and slipped off into dreams of sandy beaches and tropical trees, warm water and ice cold arms around me…

To be continued…

Just so we´re clear, this is 100% EDWARDXBELLA. To be honest, I can´t stand Jacob. I mean… when a girl tells you she doesn´t want to be your girlfriend, she means no. It´s just disgusting that he keeps pushing himself on her, even when Edward comes back. And people complain that Edward is creepy? And Bella´s relationship with him was always kind of screwed up, being unbelievably dependent on the attention of one person in order to forget another. Little red flags going up everywhere. Anyways, I am trying hard to keep him in character, because a part of me would really like to portray him the way I see him in the stories, but at least for now, he still needs to maintain some redeeming qualities.

Much love, luv, and lurv! Please review so I know this is worth continuing ;)