XOXO and Other Affectionate Letters
Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto. That copyright belongs to Masashi Kishimoto.
Chapter 2
They were guarding the daimyo in shifts. While all four shinobi were at their posts, only Naruto and Kakashi were truly on duty. Sai and Sasuke were hidden in their designated places, however, they were not expected to be alert and could rest until needed. Coupled with two of Naruto's bunshins—one for each sleeping nin—their posts were sufficiently covered. It was Kakashi and Naruto's job to monitor their posts as well. In four hours their shift would end and the wakeful shinobi would be able to rest while the sleeping ninja would take over the watch.
In the meantime, however, time had come to a screeching halt for one orange-clad ninja.
"No one is attacking," Naruto moaned, leaning his head back into the shadowed corner where he was hidden, awaiting the enemy's arrival.
"Naruto, stay alert," Kakashi's voice came over the radio. "The enemy may come at any time. I don't want you losing focus just because you're bored."
"Yeah, yeah."
One hour passed.
"Nothing's happening."
"Patience, Naruto."
Another hour passed.
"Can I attack him?"
"No."
Two hours later.
"This mission blows."
"Sometimes things turn out like this, Naruto," Kakashi sighed over the radio. "Tell your bunshins to wake up the other two. It's their turn."
"Gotcha." In a motion that was as natural to him as eating ramen, Naruto produced another bunshin. It immediately ran off to tell its brethren to slap the sleeping males awake.
After a couple minutes, the information from his dispersed clones began coming to him. He laughed mischievously at the memory of a clone poking Sai in the face until the artist woke himself up by slapping at the offending hand and ending up smacking himself in the face instead.
Over the radio, an angry voice shouted, "Dobe! You had better sleep with one eye open."
Naruto let out a giddy laugh. "I just saw what happened!" he answered, still processing the fresh wave of information from the bunshin that had awoken Sasuke. "I have a spare pair of pants you can borrow if you wet yours!"
"I did not! Tch! You're such a child," Sasuke snapped back.
Naruto could practically hear the glare.
The jinchuuriki chuckled again, reliving his bunshin's act of putting one of Sasuke's hands in a bowl of water he had procured from who knows where, all the while listening to Sasuke talk in his sleep about things he never talked about while awake—Closet pervert, teme!—and then growing bored of waiting for the slumbering man to be affected by it and opted to just toss the water in his face.
"Man, how out of it were you that I got away with that much before you woke up? Must have been a very interesting dream, eh teme?" He laughed again at the muffled cracking sound from the other end.
"Shut up!"
"Oh ho! Do I hear a blush in your voice, teme?"
"You can't hear a blush, you moron."
"Yours I can."
"Screw y—"
"Okay boys," Kakashi's deep voice interrupted their disagreement. "Naruto, it's lights out for you. And Sasuke, you've got a lot of ground to cover. Sai's covering my end with his ink animals, so you're in charge of your and Naruto's areas."
"Hai."
"Hai."
"Good. Now, we'll regroup in four hours. Get to it."
After an uneventful night—an oddity, considering the nonstop attacks of the previous five nights before they had arrived—Team Seven was preparing for a full day of Harusato and friends. Oh yes. Today the young daimyo decided he would have guests during a time when traffic through the castle ought to be kept to a minimum. The kid was just asking for it.
Brooding in a corner, Sasuke was silently cursing the Godaime for giving them this mission, Harusato for requesting their services instead of having the good sense to just let whoever was attacking him kill him, and The Replacement for not only daring to replace him but for now supposing to replace Sakura, too.
Tch. I guess that's just his thing.
The mission was only a day old, but Sasuke was already sick of it. There wasn't a thing about it that interested him but a whole lot about it that irritated him. At the very least, the dobe usually entertained him, but then again, that was usually because Sakura was beating the crap out of him.
Sakura...
He winced at the memory of his last contact with her. Had his words really merited such a brutal response? Really, what did she hear him say? He had just wanted her to come along. Was that some grave offence?
Reaching into his kunai pouch, Sasuke fished around for a small side pocket hidden there and pulled out three pieces of paper—pictures to be specific. All three were very similar in subject matter. One was a bit blurry, as the 'subject' had just turned around to look curiously at the photographer. The second one was smaller, but higher quality, with the 'subject' standing in front of the hospital, their arm around the blonde girl standing next to them, smiling widely. The other person had been cut out of the photo because he didn't really care for possessing a picture of that annoying, blonde banshee, so the 'subject' was a bit off-centre. The third picture was his favourite and was therefore the most worn. It wasn't anything special, really. The 'subject' wasn't smiling and wasn't even looking at the camera, but was obviously lost in thought and completely open—completely natural. Yes. This was his favourite.
Lost in his own world, Sasuke didn't notice the conniving mental mystery that was Naruto sneaking up on him from around the corner. In a blur of shocking orange and yellow, the jinchuuriki leapt out of hiding and landing right next to his target, his face uncomfortably close as he eyed Sasuke with a mischievous look and shouted in his face, "Whatcha up to, teme?!"
The addressed male jerked suddenly at the intrusion, though he tried to tell himself it wasn't that noticeable.
Judging by Naruto's widening cheeky grin, however, he was simply in denial.
Blue eyes shifted downward, a curious light in them as they landed on what was in his friend's hand. "What are those?"
A river of ice flowed down Sasuke's spine as he realized what the blonde was referring to. With a quick jerk of his hand, the pictures were back in his kunai pouch, but of course the damage had been done.
Naruto was staring at him as though he had just seen him kill a baby bunny. "You-You... You have inappropriate pictures of Sakura-chan!" he shouted, pointing accusingly.
Sasuke tried to hide his wince at the shrill loudness of Naruto's voice—goodness knew his voice could carry. But he kept his cool and smoothly replied, "I have no comment on that."
"That's like saying you do!" Naruto shouted back, shaking his head at his friend. You think you know a guy...
In a determined attempt at getting his hands on the evidence of Sasuke's guilt, Naruto leapt at the Uchiha with all he had in him, sending the two rivals tumbling to the ground in a painful and humiliating pile. Amid the melee, Sasuke's elbow ended up lodged in Naruto's gut, causing the blonde's ramen breakfast to lurch and roil in his stomach.
"Get off me, dobe!" Sasuke shouted, violently shaking his suddenly motionless assailant. That was, of course, the wrong thing to do in this situation.
"Uohh, don't... Don't... I'm gonna hurl..." he managed to choke out as he swallowed desperately, willing his beloved food to remain where it was.
"All the more reason for you to get the hell off!" Sasuke attempted to roll Naruto away but, from his leverage-less position and with Naruto's apparent two ton weight, it was to no avail. "Did you eat a whale, or something, dobe?!"
"I don't wanna throw up," the jinchuuriki was mumbling pitifully, tears in his eyes. He pressed a hand to his chest, hoping to quell the rising bile, while his other hand immobilized one of Sasuke's arms to lessen the movement the Uchiha could inflict on him—unfortunately for Sasuke, it also prevented him from using a replacement jutsu to escape his current predicament. "I hate throwing up more than anything... It's horrible," Naruto murmured thickly.
"Get off!"
"If I move...it's all gonna spew out like The Exorcist times five!"
"Then make sure you're not facing me when you move," Sasuke snapped irritably. Jeez, this was embarrassing.
"I'm not moving!" Naruto hissed through clenched teeth, eyes desperate. Goodness, the guy looked scared. "I will sit on you all day if it means I won't throw up!"
"The hell you will!" the dark nin growled, resuming his attempts at dislodging the blonde.
"Don't! You teme! Stop! I'm gonna... I'm gonna..." A low moaning sound came out of him as his stomach churned, obviously against Naruto's desire for his ramen to stay where it was.
At this point in time, Sai decided to come see if his comrades were ready. Of course, what he saw was Sasuke flat on his back with Naruto sitting on top of him, teary-eyed and moaning, while Sasuke was jerking desperately beneath him and grabbing at whatever of Naruto he could get his hands on for leverage.
You didn't need psychic powers to know what Sai was thinking.
"I knew it," the artist said, nodding to himself as he stared unabashedly at what he was certain was Dickless and Traitor getting it on.
Sasuke paused in his struggles to glare at The Replacement when he realized what he had said. "Get over here and—"
"Oh, no, no, Sasuke-kun. I will have no part in your 'special time' with Naruto-kun," Sai insisted, waving his hands in dismissal.
The Uchiha's jaw cracked as he gritted his teeth and calmed the swirling red in his eyes. "Get him off of me!" he shouted.
"Don't move so much, teme," Naruto muttered, breathing deeply as another lurch of his gut threatened to send his breakfast up to greet him a second time.
"So, Naruto-kun is the gentle lover, but still tops. Hmm..." Sai commented, before pulling out a notebook and jotting something down.
"That is not what this is!" Sasuke snapped. Turning back to the male on top of him (and he shivered at that thought), he hissed, "Do you have any idea what this looks like?! You're getting off of me right now!"
Naruto managed an insulting look despite being on the verge of vomiting, when he replied, "You know, this wouldn't be nearly so awkward if you weren't such a douche."
"Just move!"
That last outburst upset the delicate balance Naruto's constitution had been resting on. His aggravated stomach heaved as his whole body convulsed, bringing a look of pure despair to his face before bile came spewing out of it. Some residual sense of propriety prompted him to turn his head and lean away from the man he had trapped beneath him, so Sasuke was spared a face full of partly digested ramen and escaped from Naruto's death hold with nothing more than a bruised ego and a few spatters of gastric juices on his arm.
Kakashi appeared just as Naruto was in the midst of heaving and sobbing his woe and Sasuke was shimmying out from under him like a crab running from an octopus. Blinking at them for a few moments, he finally asked, "A little family bonding gone awry?"
The two just groaned as Sai smiled just a tad evilly at their expense.
Judging by Harusato's circle of friends, he wasn't the only basement dweller to worry his noble family about the possibility of its reproductive line ending abruptly due to its heir being more preoccupied with protecting espers and defeating Kefka than they were with interaction with the opposite sex.
Pasty-skinned and possessing a trepid eagerness not unlike a mouse seeking cheese, Hisamatsu Wataru, the youngest guest, who couldn't be a day over fourteen, seemed to hang on every word his companions said, taking everything at face value. Oddly enough, he was the most bearable of the four young males.
His older cousin, Hisamatsu Jinsei, was the embodiment of everything that made 'high society' synonymous with...well, that term is censored. While he was obviously not a basement child like his three companions, he more than compensated for that lack of shortcoming by exhibiting snobbery to the extent that one could fairly give him a sinus exam with just a glance, he stuck his nose up so high at everything.
The third guest could have been Harusato's blood brother. Ochi Takemoto had the same scrawny build, the same inability to execute nonchalance, and the same isolationist tendencies that told you he was more accustomed to choosing responses by pressing 'A' or 'B' on a game controller than he was to real conversations with real people.
"Word is someone's out for your head, Matsudaira-san," Jinsei commented offhandedly, eyeing his tea cup with a critical eye. "When I heard the news, I said to myself, 'There is no way he has a hit on him. That would just be too cool, so naturally, it couldn't be true.'"
"Not if it's Matusdaira-san," Wataru piped in, nodding along with his cousin's words.
The elder male hummed, keeping his posture overly stiff as he set his cup back down, an air of self-believed omniscience about him that you just had to roll your eyes at. "Indeed. A shut in like you?!" He cast a raking look at their host, an eyebrow cocked with scepticism. "How could you possibly incur such attention?"
"So, naturally, we decided to pay you a visit, to lay these rumours to rest," Takemoto explained, his voice muffled as he spoke into his chest, not once making eye contact, even though he was among people he had known since childhood. Indeed, his frame seemed to crouch in on itself more when he spoke, as though trying to pull his words back into his throat.
The young daimyo seemed unperturbed by his peers' disbelief, as he continued to calmly brew his tea—the only hobby he entertained that actually held some cultural merit—and answered in an easy voice, "It's true."
"Come now, Matsudaira-san," Jinsei scoffed, wrinkling his face and flicking off some nonexistent dirt from his sleeve. "I can see your nose growing."
"It's not a lie!" Harusato insisted, setting a fresh cup of tea before Takemoto, who seemed to down the beverage like an alcoholic on a binge. "Multiple attempts have been made on my life this past week. Once in this very room."
That statement managed to draw the attention of even the aloof Takemoto. They all stared at Harusato with a mix of curiosity and doubt.
Obviously not convinced, Jinsei rolled his eyes. "You kid."
"I do not. Haven't you noticed how bare this room is?" He gestured at their sparse surroundings, which were notably without any of the usual opulent decor. It was quite plain, actually. Even one of the decorative shoji screens was missing, with a bland, white screen in its place. "They thoroughly ruined it," he explained.
The elder Hisamatsu surveyed the area with the shrewdness of a debt assessor's eye. "I had noticed the sparseness but I did not think it prudent of me to make mention of it," he answered slowly. "Yoshinori-san is selling his estate left, right, and centre, his money's so depleted, you know. You never know who might be next."
Wataru nodded avidly at his cousin's assessment while sipping at his tea like a humming bird would from a feeder.
"Well," Harusato sighed, futzing with his teapot, "poor budgeting is not my problem." He paused and added with a dramatic tone to his voice, "Assassins are."
"Mmhmm." Jinsei watched him with a bored gaze. "If they have been attacking you, how are you still alive? After so many attempts, surely something would have happened to you already."
True to form, the younger Hisamatsu cousin nodded in agreement before he verschlucked on his drink.
"They are probably biding their time, hoping to destroy me mentally before finally claiming my life," the daimyo explained as nonchalant yet self-important as a person of Harutsato's poor acting calibre could manage.
"Ah..." Takemoto cleared his throat, while spinning his empty cup in his restless hands. "Aren't you scared, Matsudaira-san?"
"Not scared, Takemoto-kun," he replied in a boisterous voice. He straightened his posture and assumed an awkward bored expression before he continued. "Merely tired of the game my enemy is playing. My foe is surely a formidable one, indeed. However they will not succeed in undoing one as steadfast as myself." He nodded in agreement with himself, completely devoted to his pretence.
"How are you going to deal with this? They're going to get serious eventually, and your guards obviously aren't equipped to handle them when they do."
"Hm. I wonder..." Harusato hummed slyly, trailing off to draw his audience into his ambiguous plan.
Wataru looked back and forth between the daimyo and his cousin, anxious for an explanation—the kid was such an easy mark for Harusato's stories—but unable to find the courage to speak up when his cousin would not.
"What have you done, Matsudaira-san?" the Ochi heir said, sensing something in his friend's behaviour that perked his publicly-shy otaku side.
Giving a long-suffering sigh, Jinsei asked, "Yes, do tell us what master plan you have concocted to counter your foe?"
Harusato managed to smother the giant grin that had been building on his lips, and schooled his face into an aloof expression. "Simple. I called in some shinobi."
A collection of stares and silent gasps met his words, but he kept his glee at his guests' shock under control.
Jinsei was, of course, the first to deride the daimyo. "Now I definitely know you're lying."
Wataru hummed his agreement, though he continued to stare at their host with bright-eyed interest. Oh, the geek in him had been awakened.
"I'm not," he insisted, shaking his head as he suppressed another smile.
The sceptical male quirked an eyebrow and made a sweeping motion with his arm. "Then, where are they? I don't see them."
"They're shinobi, Jinsei-kun. That's kind of their thing."
"Tch." He frowned. "Well, let's see them, then."
Unable to contain his excitement, as the peculiar otaku complex he shared with their host became fully active, Takemoto shook off his antisocial mantle and began badgering Harusato for information. "Who did you draft? Was it Suna? Or Iwa? Oh! Tell me it was Kumo!"
"Hm. I would never settle for such mediocrity!" Harusato said, over-exaggerating his disdain for the perfectly capable villages his friend had just named. "This is my life on the line, here!"
"Then who?" Takemoto stopped suddenly as a thought hit him. A light of barely-harnessed excitement illuminated his face. "Don't tell me... No way... There is no way you got...Konoha?!" At the other male's Cheshire Cat grin, his eyes nearly popped out of his skull. "Seriously?!"
"Seriously, man, seriously," the young lord replied, smiling all the while.
"No way!"
"Yes way."
"Who did you get?" Wataru asked, unable to control his awakened otaku complex any longer. There were ninja here! The subject of all his obsessions, the one thing he had in common with the few friends he had, and he would finally get to see some real live shinobi! His timidity would have to sit this one out.
Takemoto was just as avid as Wataru to have that question answered. "Was it Team Kurenai?!" he cried, leaning forward in askance, all signs of the usually reserved Ochi male completely absent. "Tell me it was Team Eight!"
"Was it Team Asuma?!" Wataru interjected, fidgeting in the agony of not knowing. "No! Please say it was Team Gai!"
Harusato had to chuckle at his friends' reactions. He had known they would freak. It was the one binding part of their relationship—the thing that had made it possible for these unsociable boys to become familiar with each other: their absolute obsession with all things shinobi.
"Uh-uh," he shook his head.
Wataru pulled a face. "Well, then, did you get a crappy genin—"
"No. And let's not insult the genin teams. All the greats start out as such."
The other two nodded in agreement, while Jinsei rolled his eyes at what he considered a sad, sad example of what happens when mothers eat mercury-tainted sushi while pregnant.
"Ooh! I know!" Wataru shouted, practically bouncing in his seat as countless exciting possibilities flew through his mind. "You got a really awesome jounin, didn't you?"
"Indeed, I did," Harusato replied, nodding. "In fact, I got two. Two jounin and two genin. But don't let that fool you. They are no ordinary genin." He let out an enigmatic chuckle, but refrained from divulging anything more.
Takemoto frowned. "Two jounin and two genin? That's kind of weird, isn't it?"
"Not really. Not when it's them." The daimyo let out another low laugh, barely containing that unfortunate 'yiggle' he was sadly known for emitting when overly-excited.
"So?! Can we see them?!"
"Yeah, yeah! We want to see!"
"Indeed," Jinsei drawled. He crossed his arms and looked at their host challengingly. "Let us see your mighty saviours."
"Of course. Just try to control your urge to squeal like little girls," Harusato lectured, giving them all a stern look that failed miserably due to the boyish grin splitting his lower face.
Something tells me you've already done that, all three thought to themselves.
"Ah, shinobi-san? Shinobi-san, could you come here, please," he called out, putting on a show of being accustomed to such. "I'm not sure which one of you is nearest me, otherwise I would use your name, but—"
A blur of motion interrupted Harusato, signalling the arrival of the loudmouthed ninja himself.
"Is there a problem?" Naruto asked, his voice just a little less boisterous than was per his usual. Being the closest one to the daimyo, Naruto could hear everything transpiring within the room the four young nobles occupied. He had known this was coming long before Team Seven had even been mentioned in their conversation and had been mentally banging his head against the wall as he suffered through their idle prattle, awaiting his inevitable summons.
Harusato was, of course, oblivious to his guard's intense disdain for his situation and continued on. "I would like you to call the rest of your team here. It's very important, you see."
"Look, Matsudaira-...whatever," Naruto shook his head as the honorific escaped him. "We're kind of working right now, so—"
"Oh, it won't take but a moment!" he insisted, waving off the jinchuuriki's words. "After all, you are guarding me. With all four of you in the same room as me, I'll be safe as ever, and you'll certainly still be doing your duty."
The blonde was obviously reluctant to acquiesce to his client's request. He cast a cursory look over the room's other occupants and cringed as the same fan-boy glow that had beamed from Harusato's face when they first arrived yesterday was now shining forth from not one, but two other people before him. The third guest was not similarly taken with his presence, he noted, but the stuck up way he was looking down on him was only marginally better.
It was obvious the young lord just wanted to show off his shiny, new bodyguards to his geeky friends. But it was also obvious that Harusato was not going to take no for an answer and the faster way of dealing with this would be to just do as he asked, even if it did chafe Naruto to do so.
Giving a quiet sigh, he pressed the contact button on his radio and spoke, "Hey guys. I need you to come to ground zero for a bit."
"'Ground zero'?" Wataru repeated quietly, still watching Naruto with unblinking eyes. "What does that mean, Matsudaira-san?"
"Hmm!" Harusato chuckled. "Of course, 'ground zero' is like 'point zero' or 'zero, zero'. It is the beginning point; the most important place."
"Ohhh..."
Naruto rolled his eyes as he overheard the nobles' exchange. In reality, they had opted to dub the daimyo's position 'ground zero' as a passive expression of their feelings toward him. That is, 'ground zero' was the disaster zone; the place no one wanted to be.
Over the radio, Kakashi replied, "Is there something wrong?"
"Yeah. You could say that, alright."
A few moments later, the entire team was gathered before the four young nobles, three of them confused as to why their comrade would summon them to such a docile scene. The blank-faced Naruto simply shrugged at them and answered their unspoken questions with, "It's easier this way."
Before any of them could demand some elaboration on that statement, strange sounds came from the seated youths before whom they stood. Turning to the small group, the familiar wave of uncomfortable stares and uber-feminine giggles hit them and the situation became all-too clear to the shinobi.
"Naruto..." Kakashi sighed.
"I said it was easier this way, dattebayo," the blonde repeated.
Wataru was making strange squeaking sounds, as he attempted to give words to what he was seeing, but never thought would be possible. "Ha... Hatak... Hatake Kakashi? Then you must be...Uzumaki... and Uchiha..."
"It's Team Kakashi! Team Seven!" Takemoto exclaimed, leaning forward on his hands to stare bug-eyed at the vision before him. His gaze turned to Sai where all his enthusiasm froze as a frown of confusion lessened the wideness of his eyes. "Who the hell are you?"
"Idiot! That's Sai," Wataru hissed, as though trying to discreetly correct his friend's error, despite the fact that everyone in the room could hear him quite clearly. "A former ROOT Black Ops member. He stepped in while Uchiha Sasuke was defected."
The shinobi felt considerable disconcert weigh upon them as they listened to these young shut-ins discuss information about their team that they should not know about. What sort of massive information leak had Konoha had, that basement dwellers like these kids could have come across such sensitive information?
"Oh, right," Takemoto nodded. Then his head snapped up and a flaming blush ignited upon his face as he said, "Where's Haruno Sakura-san? The...ahem...medic?"
The three twittering teens all giggled shrilly, as blushes overtook each of their faces.
Deep frowns and dangerous eyes showed themselves on two of the ninja's faces, while the other two kept their faces blank, though one was definitely not amused.
"Unfortunately, she did not accompany them," Harusato explained with a sigh.
"Aw," both Takemoto and Wataru complained.
"I know. I was sorely disappointed. But still, it's pretty awesome, am I right?!"
"Yeah!"
"This is what dancing monkeys at the circus must feel like," Naruto muttered in Sasuke's ear. He paused, clearly in thought. "I'm suddenly hungry for bananas. How about you?"
A heavy look from his friend was answer enough.
"Okay. Jeez. No need to be so vulgar, teme."
"What's the punishment for killing your own client?" Sasuke suddenly asked, his unreadable eyes trained on said client as he chattered away with his creepy little friends.
Naruto shrugged, rubbing the back of his neck. "I don't know." After a few moments of intense pondering, he added, "Well, you'd definitely go to jail, that's for sure."
"Hn. I've already been there. It's not that bad."
Hearing this, Sai turned to Sasuke and said, "Really? With your delicate features, I figured prison must have been hell for you."
The Uchiha levelled the artist with a narrow look. "With your constant talk of dicks, you would quickly be the favourite inmate on the block."
Naruto laughed at that, pointing mockingly at the blank-faced male. "Ha! Sai would be a prison bi—"
"I don't know why you're laughing, Naruto-kun," Sai interrupted, watching the blonde with an emotionless face that was obviously hiding some evil ploy. "They really like your type in there."
"What's that?!"
"No dick and a big mouth," Sai finished with his Cheez-Whiz © smile.
"Ah! Shut up, Sai!" Naruto shouted, glaring at the still-smiling man.
Sasuke smirked—his version of a laugh.
Seeing this, Naruto let out a feral sound and growled, "You too, teme! You act all tough, but I bet you were crying yourself to sleep every night, because you dropped the soap!"
He laughed at his own joke while Sai leaned over and said, "Doesn't he know you were in solitary confinement for your entire sentence?"
"He does, it's just never registered in his mind what that means," Sasuke muttered back, rolling his eyes at the snickering jinchuuriki.
Giving the Uchiha a falsely inquisitive look, Naruto said, "Got any prison tats, teme? Maybe a heart that says 'Big Daddy X Sasucandy Forever'? I'm sure it won't destroy your chances for getting a girl. I mean, Sakura-chan is just so obviously the type of girl who has a fetish for prison tats given by your cell block lover."
Sai looked at him with a confused expression upon his face. "Despite Sakura-san's strange habits, I do not believe she would like such, Naruto-kun."
Naruto blanched at the other male's ineptitude."Uh... It's called 'sarcasm', Sai. Please borrow a book about it from the library to learn about it."
The corner of Sasuke's lips quirked ever so slightly. "Hn. Naruto just learned about it last week and he wants to know if it's really as confusing as he thinks it is."
"Teme!" the orange-clad ninja shouted, glaring at his rival. "You know, when I'm Hokage—"
"There'll be a rainbow over every house and a smile on every face. The world will bow to its knees and sing kum-ba-ya around a campfire while you cure the sick by baptizing them in vats of ramen. We get it," Sasuke interjected, voice and mannerisms overflowing with sarcasm.
Naruto stared at the dark-haired male for a few long moments, not saying a word. Finally, he said, "...No. When I'm Hokage, it's going to be illegal for you to be a smartass. And...there will be singing of kum-ba-ya around a campfire. It builds morale!"
"Hey, hey?!" Wataru was calling out to them again. "Do you-Do you have shuriken and kunai?!"
"Oh! Can you hit that painting in the eyes?!" Takemoto shouted, pointing at one of the few decorations the room still possessed.
Sai stared intently at the item in question. "You want me to put holes in that expensive piece of art?"
"Yes!"
"As an artist, I cannot do that," he shook his head, clear disapproval upon his usually blank features.
Not to be deterred from their entertainment, the young otaku turned to the next ninja in line.
"Then, Uchiha Sasuke-san," they all giggled quietly behind their hands, as they did every time they said one of their names. "Can you, like, burn it with some secret Uchiha clan jutsu?!"
The addressed male stared at them with pure disdain and blandly replied, "Why stop there? I can burn the whole house down, too. Preferably with you still inside."
"See?! I told you he was cool!" Harusato squealed, while the other two nodded along, staring on with shining eyes.
"Tch!"
"Calm down, teme," Naruto spoke lowly, seeing the various twitches in his companion's face that spoke of barely suppressed rage. "This is the closest to emotional fulfillment they'll ever get," he explained. "Just let them have their moment."
"I don't want to bring them any fulfillment of any kind," Sasuke hissed back.
"It's just—"
"Rasengan!" Takemoto shouted, drawing everyone's attention. The three excited teens were all staring at Naruto now, faces aglow like cherubim, only much, much more creepy. "Uzumaki Naruto-san," here they giggled again, while their fourth companion rolled his eyes at his friends' embarrassing actions. "Perhaps you could use that technique on this marble statue, here?!" He pointed at a stone statue in the corner that was as tall as a standing man, highly detailed, and obviously old.
Naruto cringed uncomfortably. "Uh, guys, that looks expensive..."
"It is!" Harusato assured him. "Now, can you do it?!"
"And Hatake Kakashi-san!" (Insert another round of prepubescent giggles.) "I've always wondered what Chidori would do to a piñata!"
"A piñata?" the Copy-nin repeated, face blank. His students couldn't tell if he was humouring them or passively mocking them. Curse that mask!
"Well, really I wondered what it would do to a hamster in a metal box," Takemoto explained, "but apparently that would be inhumane, so I settled on a piñata. And some Jiffy Pop, if you have time."
A brainwave seemed to plough into Wataru at that moment, because he began bouncing in his seat and squealed, "Ooh! Both you, Hatake Kakashi-san," (girlish giggles), "and Uchiha Sasuke-san," (more girlish giggles), "should use Chidori and we'll finally be able to put to rest the argument of whose is stronger!"
"..."
"..."
"..."
There was a long moment of perfect silence, wherein the three otaku stared up at their obsessions-come-true with eyes that could have been bedazzled with costume jewellery, they sparkled so gaudily, and the four shinobi stared back at them with unreadable expressions with one thought running across their minds: We are so getting extra hazard pay for this one.
After a few more moments, Kakashi broke the silence as he slowly spoke, "We're going to go re-establish a perimeter for you and your guests' safety, Matsudaira-sama. I must ask that you please refrain from calling us from our posts unless you feel you are in danger and require our protection."
"Of course!" the daimyo laughed, waving them off as though it were he who decided to put an end to their little interlude and not the senior ninja. "Go on, then! Go do your shinobi work, Team Kakashi!" There was, of course, another round of stifled giggles at the sound of their team name, to which the four shinobi had to shake their heads.
What a bunch of freaks.
Outside the room where the four young nobles continued to chatter and squeal over their tea, Team Kakashi shook out the mildly violated sensation that had assailed them in the presence of the giggling teenagers. What was wrong with today's youth?
"What's with the creepy little girl-giggles every time they say our names?" Naruto spoke up, frowning back at the slightly open door where a round of high pitched laughs had been going for twenty straight seconds. He shook his head as his face wrinkled slightly at the sound. "I mean, that's more scarring than Kakashi-sensei's dirty man-giggles, dattebayo."
Standing nearest to the door, ever on guard, Sai was obviously perplexed by something, as his eyebrows drew closer together as his mind beeped and processed—as all computers must—all that he had experienced in the room next to him. "They know an awful lot about us," he commented evenly, casting a calm look at his superior. "They really shouldn't have that much information on us."
"No, indeed," Kakashi nodded, standing back a few paces, as he was clearly mulling things over. None of it sat right with him. Not one bit of it.
"What about how they keep saying our full names?" Sasuke muttered, sending a hard look in the direction they had come from. "Bloody annoying..." He stuffed his hands deeper in his pockets as they fisted at the memory.
A trademark, foxy grin curved Naruto's lips as he slyly commented, "But not annoying in a good way, huh, Sasuke-kuunnn?"
The Uchiha jerked suddenly, head snapping up in a flash to stare at the other male in as close to open surprise as the former nuke-nin's face could be coaxed into displaying. "Dobe!?"
"Ha ha!" the blonde laughed. "What? You didn't know you talk in your sleep? 'Cause you do! A lot."
He laughed again, and Sasuke realized he was referring to the events of the previous night, when one of his bunshins had woken Sasuke up for watch duty. A cold vortex seemed to form within Sasuke's abdomen, as the full weight of what Naruto was saying settled upon his chest. Something had been amusing the prankster immensely last night, and now Sasuke knew what.
I knew hormones were the Devil's tool...
"And considering that," Naruto continued, watching his friend's reaction with perfectly veiled scrutiny, "you should be happy Sakura-chan didn't come along. Somehow, I doubt she would appreciate comments on her posterior, legs, and 'chestal area'," he made air commas here, "even if you did mean them as compliments." He finished with a cheeky grin, one that said he was the one running the show now and he knew it.
Sasuke gritted his teeth, his jaw as a stone line along his face as he stared down the blonde who just kept rambling on.
"Though, now, thanks to you, I know that her butt really is 'as firm as it looks.'"
"Dobe!"
"And apparently her 'breasts are bigger than they loo—'"
"Shut up, usuratonkachi!" Sasuke shouted, his cheeks heated well past burning. "Shut up now!"
"You should be telling yourself to shut up, teme-chan," Naruto replied cajolingly. "I'm only quoting you." He blinked innocently at the blushing, dark-haired male before him. When he wanted to be conniving, Naruto really had no tells.
"You do not need to repeat what I said while I was unconscious and not in control of my actions," Sasuke gritted out, voice rough as he tried to keep everything within him on an even keel. Goodness, this was mortifying.
Sai was watching on with the expression of an abandoned doll, obviously processing but not computing. And then there was Kakashi. Sitting there reading as though he were on vacation, rather than on a high-ranking mission to protect a very important person with his students arguing two feet away from him. Sasuke knew he was listening very intently to everything. And it wasn't just Naruto's embarrassing revelations of Sasuke's sleeptalking; he was still listening in on the daimyo and his guests, scanning the surroundings for unusual sounds, all the things all good shinobi did at all times on a mission. Even while they argued, he and Naruto were doing the same thing, as was Sai. Even so, he dearly wished the Copy-nin would focus solely on all those other things right now and spare him the nerve-nuking experience of another person witnessing his humiliation. (Sai did not count, in Sasuke's mind. The android wouldn't even understand a third of what was being said and Sasuke would make darn sure that he didn't get answers for the little bit he comprehended enough to ask questions about.)
Naruto was clearly enjoying his moment of glory, lording over his rival with one of the best kinds of power to possess—the power to inflict abject humiliation. "They say your true self comes out in your dreams," he countered, allowing himself a smug smirk of his own at the obvious implications of his words.
The Uchiha's face flickered with a pale smirk. "That would explain why Sakura is such a violent sleeper and why you chew on everything within two feet of you."
"I do not!"
He sighed as the smirk on his face grew. "Why do you think you always wake up with holes in your pillow and scraps missing from your blanket? Hell, I've seen you chewing on Sakura's arm before."
The jinchuuriki frowned, scratching the back of his head. "I don't remember that."
"She hit you pretty hard on the head, in her sleep."
"Oh," he hummed, looking off in thought. After a moment, he shook his head and his attention returned. "But back on topic. You are a pervert."
Sasuke nearly swallowed his tongue as his neck and face tensed. The accursed blush swept up his visage again, serving to further embarrass him. "Tch! So says the disciple of a porn writer and creator of the most perverted jutsu in history," he spat, turning his face away in disgust.
Naruto held up his hands in a show of virtue. "Hey, I don't have inappropriate pictures of an innocent, unsuspecting girl and then have nasty dreams about her."
"Oh, I'm sure you don't." He rolled his dark eyes dubiously.
After a moment's pause, Naruto shrugged his assent and amended, "Well, okay. But I don't have inappropriate pictures of anyone!"
"They're not inappropriate!" Sasuke snapped back, shaking his head vehemently. Oh, that blush was giving him third degree burns, he swore. "There is nothing questionable about their subject matter."
"The fact that you have them is 'questionable'," the blonde commented bluntly, staring Sasuke in the face with a look that was clearly unmoved. "And then you go and have nasty dreams about her yet, too, and still deny being a pervert? Puh-leez!"
"It was not 'nasty'," the dark nin insisted, grasping for words now. "It was...perfectly tasteful."
Naruto snorted. "Oh yeah. 'Cause you can dream-grope a girl 'tastefully'. They think that's real classy."
There was a moment of hesitation before the Uchiha quietly muttered, "Just...keep this to yourself, dobe. I...have enough trouble as it is."
Blonde brows rose slightly on the Uzumaki's tanned face as he took in the sight of his friend's uncomfortable form. "Well, it's not like I'm going to tell her, teme," he drawled, rubbing the back of his neck.
Some small corner of Sasuke's soul almost began to feel warmth again at those words. But then he just had to keep speaking.
"I mean, blackmail material on you is so hard to come by, there's no way I'd just tell her about the illicit pictures and scandalous dreams," Naruto continued, a devious smile lighting his boyish face. "I'm going to make you my little doggy-go-fetch with this."
A short moment of dead silence hung between the two as one pair of bright blue, smiling eyes stared back at a pair of dark, narrowed, decidedly homicidal eyes.
"Naruto."
"Sasuke."
"You are a horrible person."
"I know!" the other male laughed. "Isn't it great?! Everyone thinks you're the evil one! But it's really me! It's my ultimate prank, really."
"You cannot do this to me," Sasuke said lowly, those eyes never lessening their glare.
Pausing, as though to ponder his rival's words, Naruto put a hand to his chin and looked off into the distance for a moment, before he turned back to him and said, "Mm... Yes I can."
"No."
"Yes."
"You're going to do this to me now?" Sasuke snapped, nearly incredulous at the situation at hand. "Now? When I am—" he stopped abruptly, not willing to complete that line of thought. "No."
"I can't do this to you now, when you are finally trying to come up with a plan for how you'll make your move on Sakura-chan?" Naruto supplemented with a wily smirk. "Is that what you were trying to say there, teme?"
"...You know how..."
"Difficult it is for you to ask a girl out?" he finished again, leaning forward to catch the brooding man's eye directly. "That's what you were going for, I'm sure. Apparently, it's also difficult for you to talk about how difficult it is for you to ask a girl out. And, yes, I do know how difficult it is for you. This will teach you to procrastinate when pursuing love." He ended with a sigh and a shake of his head, like an exasperated parent who was at a loss as to what to do with a wayward child.
Sasuke's face pinched just a bit more at that. "Dobe. If you do this—"
Naruto interrupted him with a breezy assurance of, "I'm not going to 'do this' as long as you don't displease me." He grinned brightly. "Now, don't you wish you had just sucked it up and asked her out? You wouldn't be in this situation if you had. I mean, if you were together, I could have still told her about your filthy, filthy preoccupation with her 'hidden assets', but it wouldn't make as big a difference as it would if I told her now, when you are decidedly not together. Different circumstances make for very different reactions to the same information." A heavy sigh swept through Naruto as he shook his head in faux-pity. "And it could have all been avoided with a simple request for a date."
"Like it's that easy," the other male muttered with a scowl.
"It is that easy! You just say, 'Hey Sakura. Do you want to go for a walk?' And then on the walk, you say, 'Would you like to get some ramen?' And before you even knew you were doing it—BAM! You're on a date! Easier than pie! Because, as it turns out, pie actually isn't that easy." He looked thoughtful for a moment, recalling an unfortunate incident in his now-destroyed kitchen a few months back. "I miss my old wall colour," he mumbled to himself.
"It's not as simple as that," Sasuke insisted, ignoring Naruto's remembrance of his pie debacle. "Sakura is not as approachable as she used to be. I usually offend her when I talk to her."
"Oh, come on."
"You were at her place yesterday. You saw what she did to me."
Naruto blanched at that. "Teme, I felt what she did to you." A frown creased his face as he looked down and mumbled, "They're still not hanging quite right..."
"Ugh." Sasuke shook his head at the comment and continued. "Anyway, it's not as easy as just talking to her."
"Yes it is."
"No it's not."
"It is."
"It's not." Sasuke's frown became less irritated and more melancholic, as he shed some of his usual reticence and sought a way to better convey just how insurmountable his dilemma was. "She's... She's in a box, Naruto. In a box," he finally said, his voice holding a tone of defeat in it that was almost alien coming from Sasuke. "And it says in bright red letters, 'DO NOT TOUCH'."
Naruto was frozen in confusion, as his face screwed up in query and his brain ticked away, trying to figure out what he had just heard. Turning to his right, while keeping a questioning eye on his friend, he spoke quietly to Kakashi, "Is... Is he trying to be metaphorical?"
Looking up lazily, the greyhead eyed the man in question with an unreadable look. "It's difficult for people like Sasuke, Naruto," he explained slowly. "It cuts something deep and intrinsic to their being, in here," he tapped his chest, "to speak in metaphor."
"Oh..." the blonde grunted his understanding. Then another thought sprang to life in the well of wonder known as Naruto's mind, and he went on to ask, "So... Is it 'DO NOT TOUCH' as in he shouldn't get close to her emotionally, or 'DO NOT TOUCH' as in do not touch...intimately?"
The older man stared back at his student for a few moments, taking in his wide, expectant eyes and honest face. Yep. He was serious. "It's a metaphor, Naruto," Kakashi stressed, in an effort to get him to understand. "So, I'm fairly certain it's not the more obvious and vulgar meaning you suggested."
"So we're talking about them not getting it on, then?" he clarified, nodding to himself.
"Do you ever listen to what other people say, or do you just make up your own dialogue in your head for kicks?"
"But he said 'touch'—"
"It's a metaphor!" Kakashi repeated yet again, staring Naruto dead in the eye in hopes of conveying his point more clearly. "He's talking about not being able to touch her emotionally. He can't have a relationship with her."
Naruto nodded along slowly with what his sensei was saying, face set and clearly pondering. Clearly the internal processes of thought were not running as smoothly as the outer processes would lead one to believe because his response was thus: "...Like...a sexual relationship?"
He's a special, special boy. He's very special. He can't help it. It's not his fault.
"Your mind only runs on one path, doesn't it?" Kakashi sighed, watching on with mild pity. "And that path is also known as 'the gutter.'"
"What are you talking about?" the blonde replied, rearing at the thought of someone doubting his crazy-awesome mind skills. "I think on multiple levels all the time, dattebayo! I figured out Sasuke-teme was speaking in metaphor about how his sex life is dead and will never be resurrected. If that's not deep thinking, I don't know what is."
The Copy-nin hummed to himself, "No, indeed you don't."
Having heard most of the not-so private conversation, Sasuke was kicking himself for ever getting himself into such a mess. "I don't know why I'm talking to you about this. You know less than I do about how to handle Sakura."
That brought Naruto's attention zooming back to his rival/best friend. Raising a finger he replied, "In my defence, she is in her own class when it comes to temper and violent reactions."
"That's what I've been saying," Sasuke said, finally seeing some common ground in their situations. "That's why I can't get through to her."
"No, no. You have to come up with something different," the blue-eyed man insisted, waving a dismissing hand. "That's my reason for why she beats me up for talking. You can't have the same excuse as me."
Sasuke couldn't help the deep frown of confusion that crinkled his face in uncomfortable ways. "Why the hell not?! It's a valid reason for both of us."
Rolling his eyes, Naruto drawled, "Have a little imagination, Sasuke-teme. Come up with something new."
"Technically, I did say it first. And I'm not making a new excuse when this one is the reason to begin with!" He was practically seething by this point, irritated by Naruto's retarded challenge, frustrated with his personal situation that had sparked this whole embarrassing fiasco, and ticked with this bloody mission in general.
From his post a few feet away, Kakashi commented thoughtfully, "It's conversations like this that fully illustrate just why you two anger Sakura when you talk to her. You're both stubborn, quick to anger, and easily caught up by insignificant issues."
"Oh, like we're going to take advice from someone whose life partner is porn," Sasuke snapped, unable to stop the sharp words from venting his aggravation.
A mildly disheartened sigh slid out of Kakashi's lungs. "You try to do a good thing and you get thanked with a slap in the face," he murmured to himself. "This is why parents hit their children."
"What?"
"Hm? What? Oh, I would never hit you, my children," he assured with a waving hand and an awkward laugh.
Both Naruto and Sasuke were frowning at him strangely now.
"What?" they repeated.
Ignoring their question, he instead ordered, "Go to your posts! We have a freak show to protect."